I am so angry with and feel so hurt by my partner.

[SoAngryAboutThis]

I'm just so angry about this that I can't work out how to address it.

I have had the worst 18 months of my professional life and it culminated with me leaving my much loved employment two days ago. I'm not going to go into detail about that because I'm not looking for opinions or advice on that.

And it would be instantly recognisable to other colleagues and stakeholders if i did. Suffice to say that I'm devastated about what and in the way things have been done. And I'm not alone in that. It is not something I deserved or have caused in any way.

This isn't just 'a job'. It is something I've done for 20+ years, it's not just what I do, it's a core part of who I am. Even if I never stepped foot in that environment again, it's still how I would describe myself or at least would until I choose I no longer want to describe myself in that way.

My partner knows this. He has listened, he has supported not just me but my colleagues too (I'm not the only person who has been targeted), I couldn't have got through the last 18 months without him. Frankly, it's been traumatic.

On Friday (my last day at work), he and I went out with a couple of colleagues (who have become very valued friends). I saw my partner talking to someone we both vaguely know. I mean so vaguely that we recognise him to say hello and briefly pass the time of day with but neither of us could remember his name and I don't imagine he remembers ours either - just a face we recognise in the crowd.

I overheard him mention the name of my previous employer.

When he came back to sit with us, I asked what had been said and he glibly replied, "Oh I just told him you used to be a _ but they let you go,"

Used to be a _? Let me go? I was lied about, disregarded, undervalued, overlooked and sidelined for 18 months because my face no longer fit. I was sent to A&E with a suspected heart attack earlier this year through stress. I've cried and felt a sense of loss akin to when my marriage ended.

And he's minimised it to I used to be be a _. I didn't used to be anything. I still am.

I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends. He did apologise and then said, "It's OK, he wasn't even really listening."

That does NOT make it OK.

I am still so angry. I'm angry that he said it, I'm angry that he minimised it in that way. I'm angry that he shared my personal information with a stranger. Angry that he gave this incredibly painful and personal part of me and my life to someone else who didn't even care that he was hearing it and on my last day when he knew how upset I was. And it's also made me feel that I don't want to share personal things with him. How can I give him anything of myself when he treats it with such little care?

He doesn't treat me with little care and it doesn't reflect what he thinks or feels about me but to be so careless with his words...

I need to speak with him but I need to get it clear in my head what I'm going to say and to process the anger here so that I can communicate it effectively.

I am also aware that some of my anger is related to.the situation but I just feel so betrayed by him. I've been made to feel that I don't matter at work for the last 18 months and this has just compounded it.

That's quite the leap, especially given the OP has gone to lengths to describe the support he's given her.

If I was your DP I'd be binning you off.

I have worked with so many burned out, despairing teachers that it made absolute sense when I read this is what your line of work was.

Please seek some support because you will really need it after what you’ve been through, your GP can refer you for talking therapies.

Please also don’t take it out on your DP. He hasn’t lived and breathed it like you have.

People don't always act in the way we expect or want them to. They don't necessarily hold the same things sacred and therefore can speak out of turn. But it was clearly not malicious or said with any ill intent which I think you need to recognise.

We can't control what other people say and do, we can only control our reactions to it. I think pp are right to say this isn't something you should be blowing up your primary source of support for.

If you can calm down enough to have a conversation about why it upset you and DH can agree to not say anything else out of turn about it going forward then you really should leave it at that.

Oh for heavens sakes, he's been supportive to the Op and her colleague for 18 months and one comment not only eradicates all of that but suggests he's happy about it. Rubbish.

That's the thing though. It wasn't even a simplified version of the truth. It was a misrepresentation on both counts.

So not only was it not a response to a question but it wasn't true.

I did consider that, but saying 'let go' really does not mean 'managed out' to most people, it means sacked. And to be honest she left of her own volition, so she could keep her head held high.. so boiling it all down to saying she was 'let go' is just a punch in the stomach. He would be more accurate if he said 'she left'.. it was just a short and to the point.

He just shorthanded it. I'm sure the other person didn't want to hear your life story.

Let it go and have a Prosecco.

Read your first post again, where you say you couldn’t have got through it without him. Then think twice about making him the villain in your story.

He could have done something that was more in line with your preferences, yes. But I think it's not an unreasonable mistake. You're feeling these preferences very strongly, so they seem obvious to you, but I entirely get how it was less obvious to your partner. Given everything you've said I really can't think for a moment he set out to hurt you. Your level of anger at an unintentional error seems disproportionate.

Fucking hell, leave the poor guy alone. The fact he spoke about it to the acquaintance isn’t great, but it’s not that big of a deal. You’re upset about it work but projecting it onto this new situation

You are like a dog with a bone, over the teeniest of things. And this is about someone you love, so I can't imagine how ruthless you are with strangers. Were you like this at work? Have you considered that maybe work "let you go" for a good reason? You don't seem to be able to think outside the box if it doesn't totally align with your own view. There's no give and take, no compromise, it's all "my way or the highway".

Managed out in teaching pretty much does mean sacked though. They’ve got rid of you, even if ultimately you resigned your position. It happens a lot in schools, especially if you are UPS.

I would be pissed off and I shall completely cut off a friend, never mind a partner, if he divulged any information about me - even my food preferences. Not on. He is free to blabber about himself, end of. He is not free (and nobody is free) to talk about other people's circumstances. What happened to basic, elementary manners?

Unfortunately op it is often the thought that men in particular (namalt) need specific instructions, its just too much to expect them to work things out on their own.

It will be obvious to the vast majority of people that "you know ive had a shit time, please dont tell randoms I lost my job, its a sore subject as it is" really doesnt need to be said.

When this thread started I felt really sorry for OP. As it has developed my sympathy has entirely shifted to her DH. She’s being totally intractable and a massive self centred drama queen. Ignoring all the common sense responses and feeling hard done by over DH saying something clumsy. Poor dude.

In Trauma work there is a concept of circles of need/support. The person at the center of the bulls eye of circles is in the most need and they get the most support. Each person around them dumps support in but doesn’t stress the wounded person at the center with their issues or needs.

So if I am in the hospital my dh offers me support and if he needs support he turns out to people farther away. He dumps his problems on his brother, say, and shows me nothing but support.

But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t still have a life independent of my needs. He can be hurting, or sad, or tired or hungry. Just because he is priorizing my needs w/r/t things while we bith agree I am in crisis doesn’t mean he has stopped having needs.

My point here is that OP has been in crisis for 18 months and for her this leaving party was like an even bigger part if the crisis. Like the amputation after the car wreck. It wasn’t over it was still devastating.

Her DP has been centering her and supporting her for 18 months. But unbeknownst to her he continued to have a life/needs/interactions with others that did not center her, did not obsessively take her thoughts/needs/experiences into account. After all he bought food and ate it, slept and worked, without being overwhelmed by her job situation. This was appropriate and necessary. For him to support you and not demand too much from you he has to have compartmentalized and pushed his iwn needs out.

So comes the pub event and he has a casual conversation with an acquaintance outside of OP’s presence. Whether he said the right thing in her eyes or not he is perfectly entitled to do so. Her experience is hers and his is his. He gave a precis of the situation to his acquaintance (dumping out, not troubling OP) and then returned to her side to continue supporting her.

I think all this rage and anger arises out of OP’s sudden realization that life for everyone goes on even though she is still in crisis. She has discovered that her DP isn’t her twin who identifies so completely that he never has a feeling/thought/act that isn’t 100 percent about her.

that is an illusion born of 18 months of pretty good caregiving by her partner. If she can’t tolerate the fact that he has relationships/contacts/needs that aren’t identical to hers and subordinate to hers then her relationship can never go back to a healthy balance. She will continue to behave as though her needs take priority over his. In the long run that is not sustainable and it’s certainly not equitable.

OP, you are not unhinged at all.

You have been through a hugely stressful upheaval that has caused you huge upset and impacted your health.

I can understand that you feel if your partner really got how serious this has been, and the huge negative impact this has had on someone he supposedly really cares about, he wouldn't dream of using it, completely unprompted to a pissed randomer as casual conversation.
WTF?

I totally get it.

I have had two friends whom have also come through something similar in the past 5 years, and the idea that their husbands would casually use it for small talk is unfathomable to me.

Yes you are upset, and emotions are definitely heightened.
Take your time to think and process.

But if you come to the conclusion that he has very poor emotional intelligence, is a bit of a big mouth idiot, I wouldn't blame you.

I am also a private person, so on that point alone I would be appalled at my husband offering up MY business as unasked for small talk.

Sometimes it is the small things that can give us the ick.

I am so sorry for all that has happened.
It really knocked both of my friends in their mid 50's......but they have both come back stronger, as you will.
Be kind to yourself.

Hi OP, your pain is palpable.

I'm sorry to hear how tough you have found the last 18 months.

One question l don't think you have answered is whether you have sought help from a therapist, or would be willing to do so?

I think it could really help you work through your feelings and find a way of diminishing your anger and hurt.

Try to let go of the blame towards your DH, as it won't help either of you.

Wishing you well.

He spoke out of turn. He didn't need to say anything, but sometimes when we're in situations that make us slightly uncomfortable (like trying to have a conversation with someone we barely know and probably regretting it) things come out of our mouths that wouldn't if we'd have had the time to think things through in advance.

I understand why you're angry, and why you will be for a long time. And I understand why you want as few people as possible to know anything about what's happened.

But does it matter that a stranger has the wrong impression of the situation? It doesn't make anything worse, I don't think it's worth adding to your burden by dwelling on this.

Yes, I too would dump my husband if he dared to tell anyone I am vegetarian and don’t like eggs

OP - sending moral support.

People don't understand what education is like. I heard a story a few months ago of a long-term temporary teacher being invited to re-apply for their job and not securing it. The school is under financial pressure with falling numbers. They are a superb teacher. It wasn't that they were managed out because they weren't good enough. They had less security than the other staff and were the easiest to prune. Really horrible and, yes, toxic.

Pay-scales are less fixed than they used to be but schools are getting very creative at keeping workforce costs down.

People outside teaching don't have a clue what the management culture can be like or the pressures - and also that while there can be major shortages nationally, there can also be huge competition for specific jobs in specific locations.

You're still a qualified teacher and fingers crossed you will find a great post very soon, in a much better school - you will be shocked at how good it feels to work somewhere with a positive culture.

And I agree that it would be good if he described you as a teacher rather than a former teacher. A solicitor or accountant taking a career break would still be described by their profession.

I don't think this thread is getting anyone anywhere. There is a lot of good advice on here, but I think that you are too traumatised by your experience at work to either take it on board or to view your partners mis-step rationally - that's understandable. I think you need counselling OP, and I mean that kindly, as you sound almost hysterical. The root cause of this is your job and I think it's going to take time and some help to get through it, and from a qualified therapist. You are right in the thick of the most horrible part of it all right now, so I would try not to make any snap decisions or judgements until you are in a better place. I really do hope that you are able to find fulfillment and happiness in the next stage of your life, I know it's very difficult not to carry something like this with you. I think in your partners position I would be very hurt by your anger, given that he has done all he can to support you for a long time. We are all humans and make mistakes, or mis-speak sometimes, I'm sure he would take it back now if he could. We all say clumsy things in the moment sometimes, and afterwards wish we could undo it.

You're blaming the wrong person. Unfair.

I really don’t get the “OP WAS a ” vs “OP IS a ”. Can someone explain the nuance to me? I’ve just left a job as a software developer. So I WAS a software developer. I also still am I suppose in that I could get that job again but if someone said I WAS one I don’t think I’d come close to this reaction?