I am so angry with and feel so hurt by my partner.

[SoAngryAboutThis]

I'm just so angry about this that I can't work out how to address it.

I have had the worst 18 months of my professional life and it culminated with me leaving my much loved employment two days ago. I'm not going to go into detail about that because I'm not looking for opinions or advice on that.

And it would be instantly recognisable to other colleagues and stakeholders if i did. Suffice to say that I'm devastated about what and in the way things have been done. And I'm not alone in that. It is not something I deserved or have caused in any way.

This isn't just 'a job'. It is something I've done for 20+ years, it's not just what I do, it's a core part of who I am. Even if I never stepped foot in that environment again, it's still how I would describe myself or at least would until I choose I no longer want to describe myself in that way.

My partner knows this. He has listened, he has supported not just me but my colleagues too (I'm not the only person who has been targeted), I couldn't have got through the last 18 months without him. Frankly, it's been traumatic.

On Friday (my last day at work), he and I went out with a couple of colleagues (who have become very valued friends). I saw my partner talking to someone we both vaguely know. I mean so vaguely that we recognise him to say hello and briefly pass the time of day with but neither of us could remember his name and I don't imagine he remembers ours either - just a face we recognise in the crowd.

I overheard him mention the name of my previous employer.

When he came back to sit with us, I asked what had been said and he glibly replied, "Oh I just told him you used to be a _ but they let you go,"

Used to be a _? Let me go? I was lied about, disregarded, undervalued, overlooked and sidelined for 18 months because my face no longer fit. I was sent to A&E with a suspected heart attack earlier this year through stress. I've cried and felt a sense of loss akin to when my marriage ended.

And he's minimised it to I used to be be a _. I didn't used to be anything. I still am.

I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends. He did apologise and then said, "It's OK, he wasn't even really listening."

That does NOT make it OK.

I am still so angry. I'm angry that he said it, I'm angry that he minimised it in that way. I'm angry that he shared my personal information with a stranger. Angry that he gave this incredibly painful and personal part of me and my life to someone else who didn't even care that he was hearing it and on my last day when he knew how upset I was. And it's also made me feel that I don't want to share personal things with him. How can I give him anything of myself when he treats it with such little care?

He doesn't treat me with little care and it doesn't reflect what he thinks or feels about me but to be so careless with his words...

I need to speak with him but I need to get it clear in my head what I'm going to say and to process the anger here so that I can communicate it effectively.

I am also aware that some of my anger is related to.the situation but I just feel so betrayed by him. I've been made to feel that I don't matter at work for the last 18 months and this has just compounded it.

My husband told his friend I like Taylor Swift. I am in the process of divorcing him, obviously.

Thank you.

My continued employment had become untenable. I was disregarded, dismissed and undervalued. Other people were given credit and recognition for my work publicly.

I set something up that had become really successful and when it was showcased on my last day, my part in it wasn't even acknowledged.

My boss hadn't actually spoken to me for weeks and, on my last day, walked past me and didn't even acknowledge I was there. I didn't work for a faceless organisation where people can go about their work anonymously or are unknown to their bosses.

In the end, I made the decision to leave to protect my physical and mental health and I am heartbroken by it.

I wasn't fired and I wasn't made redundant but, equally, I wasn't left with a real choice.

Even in last few days I was supporting colleagues who were also reeling about management decisions that were negatively impacting them. Because that's what its like.

And I am still a _.

So it wasn't a case of just not going into detail, what he said wasn't accurate.

Ignore - saw the post about food preferences after

Thank you x

Yes this.

@SoAngryAboutThis Either forgive him or leave him because if you can’t forgive him then your relationship is doomed anyway. All that anger at your dp will be enough for him to walk if you’re determined to keep hold of it.

The bastard! Take him for all he’s worth

Bloody hell OP, you’re really determined to blow up your life here.

Listen, we all get it. We understand why it bothered you, but it’s not the real issue is it. If you’re not careful you’ll be posting in 6 months that your husband has walked out. Next week one of your friends will say the wrong thing and you’ll cut them off.

I’ve been in a similar place to you (I suspect). I understand. Your husband isn’t your enemy.

I understand how you feel. I think he was an unsympathetic twit. He reduced your trauma to a piece of gossip.

I do take your point about “she was” vs “she is” as characterizations Op but interestingly different people think about it differently. I was an anthropologist professionally then became a therapist. I consider myself both! I will always be an anthropologist. Even though I don’t do it professionally anymore.

Meanwhile my DH just retired and he never describes himself with reference to his previous work. He “used to be a computer scientist” he might say. Its not his identity just a fact about his employment history.

This. Thank you.

Just wanted to wish you the best OP it sounds like it’s been a really difficult time.

Sacked in the outside world usually implies you've done something to deserve it though.

Forgive him OP and have a good long chat with him about how awful you’re feeling because that’s where all this is coming from. You need comfort from him right now, not a fight 💖

@Zapx Being a qualified teacher is a really strong professional identity. (I always smile when people say 'I'm a qualified teacher' because it shows that it really means something to them.)

The training period is tough. There's a very strong vocation element which encourages people to go into teaching in the first place and to stick the first few hard years. It's difficult to be a good teacher without feeling that it's part of who you are. I'm sure some people without a strong sense of mission are good teachers, but it's against the grain of the dominant professional culture.

It's also socially-encouraged outside education to treat it as a vocation, to think of what the children need, pull out the stops to give them an enriching childhood, inspire them, show them the way to their futures (etc etc etc).

You have to be 'on' all the time in the classroom - you can't have quiet admin days just when you need to. It's also not flexible, so stress builds up throughout term.

You don't have the same workforce model of contractors, where it's more typical to be fluid. There are schools which are so good and where it's so rewarding to work that people just don't leave.

To suddenly be treated as a 'cost' or 'liability' simply because you're more experienced, perhaps good at constructive challenge, feels extremely unfair.

It's tough for people to be trained into thinking it's not just another job, and that it's wrong to think so; and then to be told that it's their own fault and foolishness for believing that it's a vocation.

This!

This is excellent.
OP, does it help?

I think you are taking your hurt and frustration out on your partner, if it was someone you barely know he’s not going to go into minute detail, the other person doesn’t need to know and probably wasn’t remotely interested.

It was a very foolish thing to say. If it's normal for him then I would question how well you're suited. At the same time, I agree with everyone saying that your reaction is completely understandable but also very much coming from the place you're in right now. The fact that he did apologise, if it was sincere, makes him not a dick which is good.

A thousand times! 🤣

You are reading too much into this.
Your partner wasn’t going to go into detail.

I used to teach but was bullied out of it. I wouldn’t still call myself a teacher as I no longer do it.

To be honest, I should have done it when he reminded me to tell the waiter I’m allergic to cauliflower. The swine.

How miserable must you be to come on, read a post where someone is in pain and then choose to put the boot in?

Truly vicious!

You are stressed. But really you wouldn't have wanted your partner to go into great detail about your difficult time surely. Especially when he was talking to somebody you both hardly knew. He probably did the right thing to minimise it. You wouldn't want folk thinking oh poor poor you what a terribly tough time. No,

Oh goodness, I would definitely try to let go of your anger towards him. Who cares if he phrased one comment badly when by the sounds of it he’s a man who loves you and is sticking by you through thick and thin, so he’s not perfect, no one is but in the list of crimes one could commit in a relationship this is so far down the list. You’ve been through a terrible time but that doesn’t mean you get to police what he says and does.