Unemployed husband

[OctoberCarrot]

My husband was made unemployed nearly 6 months ago. He’s basically dossed around since then with a bare minimum of job hunting.

I sorted a mortgage holiday for three months to buy some time but he was always aware he just had to have a job by august 1st due to our financial commitments. Thats now nearly here, he’s no job and he’s looking at me like what’s my problem. We won’t be able to pay our mortgage school fees and utilities. We not over extended and I earn well but it’ll be practically impossible without his salary.

He doesn’t seem to get it. I’ve just lost the rag and he’s telling me to calm down.

You need to outlay the consequences.

• Sell the house - put it on the market on 1 August
• Pull the kid(s) out of school (holidays will give you time to get into state)

That's all you can do to stay afloat - if he's not intelligent enough to be able to envisage the impacts of his behaviour then you need to make them real to him.

Amazon driver (or any other courier jobs) can be got really easily very quickly- usually almost immediate start. Can he do one of those for now?

He can borrow money from his mother I’m sure. He’s wondering why I’m so upset and angry when I told him time and time again that the 1st August was D Day.

As pointed out he can literally do any other job.

I nearly can’t breathe with anger.

Don’t blame you - he’s an idiot.

@OctoberCarrot Is he a SAHD?

Well he’s currently a SAHD but should not be he should be earning money and contributing. He’s had 6 months I’ve told him time and time again that I didn’t think he was doing enough to get a job. I was nagging unsupportive blah blah blah. I’m shaking with anger and could literally scream. And what’s worse he looks like poor me this is a surprise. Idiot.

@OctoberCarrot I understand. But would we say this about a SAHM?

He isnt a sahd. He is unemployed. A sahp is a mutual decision.

Why did he lose his job?

@LizandDerekGoals I don't actually think it is always. I do think people look at SAHMs and SAHDs very differently.

He lost it as he was wasn’t performing. He can’t be a SAHD just like I can’t be a SAHM. We’ve made financial choices for our family that require us both to work. I’m just so angry that he’s now perplexed that shit is going to hit the fan and that I’m so angry. He could have actioned a number of solutions within last three months but didn’t. It’s very unlike him as he’s very financially conscious. I’m surprised and annoyed in equal measure.

Most fee paying schools require a full terms notice so its likely they will be contracted until xmas.

@OctoberCarrot The reality is - and you need to make this clear to him - that if he doesn't work it will have to be the case that your lifestyle changes, that your kids can't attend private school etc. Surely he knows this? What does he say about it?

Has he got savings you don’t know about? How does he envisage he pay his normal share of the bills into your joint account in August? Is he literally going to stop paying into it?

Fair enough, not the world I live in.

I actually don’t know what he planned. I’ve asked him. He’s gone for a drive.

What age is he? If this is all unlike him, Is he depressed? A brain disease??

If not then he needs to contact a local employment agency & get ANY job.

Does he have access to money, is he spending?

Irrelevant.

Are you on the same thread as us. Its desperate times OP has a mortgage to pay and school fees.....

Can you go and stay with a family member for a couple of nights OP? Id be annoyed too.

@Parcelpass What I'm saying is if it was the wife who was choosing to be a SAHM I think the responses would be different e.g. she is raising the kids.
But we always seem to expect men to work?
But I get where OP is coming from. She needs to have a frank and honest conversation with her DH. If he isn't able/willing to work then they will have to cut their cloth. State school not private etc.

Huge sympathies, OP. I had a version of this - DH went into liquidation and hung around doing jobs around the house for 10 months. He was very stressed by winding up his business and I was prepared to support the family on my own to give him a bit of a break and rethink, but not for months on end with no income. Eventually I gave an ultimatum and he got a job being a drivers mate in a delivery lorry fleet. He hated that enough for it to be a sufficient kick to get him to sort a proper job out, which he now has, and he and I are happier as a result. But that was a year that nearly finished us off. I hope your DH's drive clears his head and he comes out of whatever denial cloud he's been living in.

*edited for clarity

If this is the tip of a substantial iceberg you are probably done, so would you consider pulling the plug and file for divorce? All this anger is very unhealthy, and if he can’t be arsed to pull himself together, you might be better off solo - even if it means a drop in living standards.

You posted in 2023 and 2024 about in your words “useless”
husband. Why did you expect
anything to change?

He is avoiding the conversation.

@OctoberCarrot ive had the same situation, it was awful and so stressful with the added pressure of no substantial cuts to outgoings that would’ve made much difference.
My husband was burnt out and depressed after an extremely shitty work situation that ended in redundancy and we’d agreed he could have 3 months out of work for some time to himself but would need to be back in work by month 4 at the very latest. He didn’t and it wasn’t until I broke down and laid it all out to him by month 5 (he was very much burying his head in the sand) that’s he took some action. We had to borrow money from parents to pay the mortgage for 2 months as my salary alone couldn’t cover it and the redundancy money was gone by then but he got a job relatively quickly once he realised the severity of the situation.

I’ve never felt so helpless and frustrated at the same time. This was a few years ago when jobs were slightly easier to come by so I can only hope your husband will come around and have a good outcome quickly.