Unemployed husband

[OctoberCarrot]

My husband was made unemployed nearly 6 months ago. He’s basically dossed around since then with a bare minimum of job hunting.

I sorted a mortgage holiday for three months to buy some time but he was always aware he just had to have a job by august 1st due to our financial commitments. Thats now nearly here, he’s no job and he’s looking at me like what’s my problem. We won’t be able to pay our mortgage school fees and utilities. We not over extended and I earn well but it’ll be practically impossible without his salary.

He doesn’t seem to get it. I’ve just lost the rag and he’s telling me to calm down.

Good news in medium term but think you may be papering over the cracks

So that is one weight off your mind.
Is it possible he will use the loan to decide it is no longer urgent that he looks for a job?

So sorry you have a deadbeat H. Ducks in a row time (?slowly). There are lots of jobs out there just with no kudos: delivery drivers, dustmen, bus drivers, taxis, hospital porters, warehouse operatives, cleaners etc. The list is endless, but probably not what he was thinking of/hoping for. Not necessarily full-time but could be a variety of part-time.

It’s only papering the cracks but he won’t loose face in front of his mother. I also feel she’ll make him accountable. He’s all guff now about job hunting plan etc etc. tbh I’ve enough on my plate I don’t need the details or spoof just the actions.

Shiiit though @OctoberCarrot now you have the loan he will think it's all sorted and he can sit back further. This will happen. Is he ashamed that he had to ask his Mum? I would be worried if not... cos he can sink lower, trust me. * *

Very very ashamed. He’s a lot of siblings and it won’t get out now but will if he doesn’t pay it back. He explained to his mum it was school fees but I know he’s gearing up to pay off some of his debt with it which I won’t allow. I’ll actually go to his mum myself and tell her what he’s done.

Yes, make sure it goes on the school fees the cheeky sod.
What are you going to do? I can't imagine how frustrating it is, you can't force him to get a job. I'd start looking for him and sending him them, you can't go on like this.

That sounds incredibly frustrating, I also think you need to start planning for life without him. Are you in a highly paid role to continue with school fees or was it him carrying the financial weight?

how much is she lending you-how long will that pay for school fees for and when will she want it back??

I would be giving notice on the private school and getting kids into state for January. Unless he get a well paid job, you’ll be forever chasing your tails.

It’s the full years fees repayable in 2 years so. Real lifeline.

As it’s for school fees OP, what years are your DCs in?

I think you need to face some serious issues as well as your DH. He’s not got a job in 6 months. He’s now got a year to play with and there’s a good chance in a years time he still won’t have a job.

You need to plan your life around yours being the only serious income. (Either still married or as a single mother).

You can’t afford the fees, so my original question stands, what school years are your dcs and how movable are they? If they are primary aged, then unless about to go into year 6, I’d look at moving to state schools now. obviously if you have a child about to go into year 11, get through that and move for 6th form.

This also might need to be combined with a house move, either because you can’t afford your mortgage alone (even without school fees) or because you want to move to an area with better state options.

For whatever reason he’s shut down, the fact is he has and now you have to be the only grown up.

Sounds really tough op. Has he applied for many jobs? What kind of thing is he looking for

Sounds as if the private schooling is a bad idea, and you should have dealt with that earlier. You’ll still be commited to one terms fees but better than selling the house.

Going on at him has not so far worked. So you need to adopt a different approach.

He is feeling as though his whole life is falling apart. His job, identity and now his family he must feel he is going to lose.

He does need to try to find a job. Of course.
He fears more rejection.

Try a softer approach no matter how furious you are. The angry approach has not worked.

We’ve a rental property with enough equity to cover the remainder of the children’s school fees until uni. That will be sold.

You’re right on approach - it’s not working and I need to change that. He also needs to actually search and apply.

It is a very depressing scenario.

Ok good, so if you are determined to keep the kids in those schools, get the rental on the market.

can you afford the rest of the family costs without him earning? if so, a more gentle chat. You’ll sell the rental and that’s going to be ring fenced for fees, you can cover the mortgage and bills, but he needs to be honest about what debts he’s got, and that’s all you need him to earn, enough to cover that. Does he want to think about a new career pivot to something less stressful? If you can cover all the dull stuff, he needs to cover holidays and fun money. The pressure is right off for a set amount to earn but he needs to do something.

His solution is to borrow from his mother, so he doesn't need to find an actual solution?

Why was he under performing? Does he have history of that? I was always a top performer at work but following some big life events I ended up burnt out, probably distressed, and struggling to do the basics. It isn't always laziness. For me I just didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with much at all.

So mum will cough up the school fees so around £7/8k a term so £20/24k per child age /year depending - you say kids - so guessing 2+ so she’s lending up to £50k is that a fair guess

you say he may pay debt off. What debt does he have and yes I would make sure that loan goes to the school

if he doesn’t have a job in 6mths you need to think about taking kids out

or selling rental and paying fees out of that

I'd give the school notice, personally, as you're probably on the hook for the upcoming term's fees but then pull them. You can't afford it. And now you've accepted a large loan from his mother to cover them. You're married; that loan is yours too in the grand scheme of things.

Apply for a state school now and start looking at the options there.

Rental property has a lot of equity so will cover school fees. I know where I could move them to but I am reluctant.

I can cover the other household bills.

He is in sales and started a new sales role and the boss was unhappy with clients he brought to the table even though he was upfront about it at interview stage.

It is just the doing nothing, not applying, not doing basic household maintenance or the bare minimum and I feel I am still bearing the brunt of planning, tidying, washing, ironing etc.

He doesn't bring an income so what is he actually bringing except childcare which teens don't really need,

I think they're both wasting potential but that's just my opinion and what attracts me to someone

Why do you stay with him?

i couldn’t be with a man like this.

But you are still wrong.

Ok so the DCs are teens, makes sense you are less keen to consider moving them out of their current private schools.

I do think you need to have a chat along the lines of “we are giving notice on the rental property to the tenants, selling it and the money is going to be ring fenced for school fees. I can cover everything else so you don’t have to make a set amount but you need to do something. Be it paid or unpaid voluntary work or back to education to do a Masters /retrain for a new career, but doing nothing is not an option. I’ll support you, you can go down to earn just minimum wage if it’s something you want to do, but I won’t support you to do nothing. This is an opportunity, not a disaster.”

He tried to strangle her in 2014. She had his finger-prints on her neck.

He's worse than lazy and useless. He is a violent thug.