Unemployed husband

[OctoberCarrot]

My husband was made unemployed nearly 6 months ago. He’s basically dossed around since then with a bare minimum of job hunting.

I sorted a mortgage holiday for three months to buy some time but he was always aware he just had to have a job by august 1st due to our financial commitments. Thats now nearly here, he’s no job and he’s looking at me like what’s my problem. We won’t be able to pay our mortgage school fees and utilities. We not over extended and I earn well but it’ll be practically impossible without his salary.

He doesn’t seem to get it. I’ve just lost the rag and he’s telling me to calm down.

Divorce won't help the situation as honestly I can't pay for the stuff with him in the same house it is not going to be sorted by divorcing.

When you say "it is not going to be sorted", you mean that divorcing won't keep you in your current lifestyle. No, it won't. But that is not the point of divorce.

So you want to maintain a certain lifestyle, with a big house and DC in private school, but you can only do this if DH is working.
But he is not working.
So you are considering selling a rental property, and your shares, and have already borrowed from his mother, to keep DC in private school and prop up this unsustainable standard of living.

What happens when the rental is sold and the shares sold, and you can't pay his DM back, and DH still hasn't got a job, or only has a low-paid job, and he still has other debts (the ones which he wanted to use the money from his DM to pay off) ?
At what point do you accept the inevitability of pulling DC out of private school?

Or, if it is your number one priority to keep them in their school, are you going to sell the home you live in and downsize (after selling everything else)?
So you will be heading into retirement with no assets, a smaller house, and a far more modest life.

The bottom line is that you can't force DH to step up and give you the lifestyle you want. Trying to force him is just making you angry.
It would be better for your own sanity and emotional wellbeing if you accept that he is just a dead weight who contributes nothing, and that it is solely down to you to provide whatever education and lifestyle you can afford for your DC.
When you reach this calm acceptance, you will be ready to divorce him.

OP - it sounds like you’ve made the decision to divorce, and also to keep your DCs in private school, so I think you need to be canny about the timing to protect your DCs.

Get the rental house sold. Then see if the school will let you prepay fees through until end of year 11. (Because 6th form is often dependent on them getting certain grades at gcse they might not allow pre-paying beyond that). So your money has been spent.

You said you can afford the other bills alone, not the fees and other bills, so at that point you might need to sell the family home to move to something smaller so you can release the equity to pay him his share.

not ideal but seems the best way to get what you need but do not talk divorce before the rental is sold, otherwise you might be faced with him offering that he’ll take the rental, you keep the family home and then you’ve got to work out how to get the school fees paid.

I really feel for you, OP. And also feel furious on your behalf!

But i do agree with @StandingDeskDisco . This man is never going to step up. He’s a grown man and he should. It’s not fair or right you are the only parent taking responsibility for your children. But I think the reality is he won’t. It’s often hard to accept reality when it is so intrinsically inequitable but often the quicker you do, the less painful it is.

If you stay married, he’s just going to scrounge off you and not contribute to family life in other ways (noting the micro dinners). If you divorce him, you lose his dead weight and he may have to pay something towards the children. Certainly, I think the best chance of him getting a job is being cast adrift financially.

I think the key here is if you do (or could) still love him. If you do, then speak to him frankly and give him a timescale. If you dont, then just walk away now. You deserve a different life. Dont stay for financial reasons when the reality is youre the sole provider now. Be the sole provider in a peaceful home without a man you dont love sharing your bed.

I totally understand your anger, I have been there. Except my situation went on for years! Don’t let that happen. I kept thinking it would get better.

He finally got a job a few months ago but he now lost it again. I am on antidepressants because I was so angry and it was making me feel very dark and that life was hopeless. He’s also useless around the house and sits around all day while I work a very stressful job, and he ignores my lists of errands and job suggestions. I even employ a cleaner! His ONLY saving grace is that he is an ok dad and genuinely loves the kids.

I ended up having to take my children out of private school and we sold our house and moved into a smaller place as a rental. I borrowed money off my parents as he wouldn’t speak to his mother, who blames me for his depression.

I made all these arrangements myself and he just sat there staring into space. It’s beyond infuriating.

I have no advice for you because I know that sometimes it’s really not possible to leave even if you really want to. I just want you to know that you’re not alone.

The not understanding does sound like depression. I told my husband that we were separating, I moved into my own room, told him I wanted to make moves to permanently separate, drew up a separation agreement, told his family and he said ' but what are we going to have for dinner?!' I want him to move out but I can't see how he can. I don't think he has capacity and he owns half of our house, so I can't make him leave. He's on loads of meds and I suspect he is telling his support worker some rubbish and is just entrenched in this now. I told him yet again he has to get his act together while we are away. I will never forgive him for putting my kids through this. DC2 is so angry at him. I want to spend weekends with friends/ family to get away but I'll have to take him with me rather than leave him with his dad even though he's 15. @Dinosaur76 are you still in the same position?

The best thing about being on my own with kids last week is that I know I can do it. Honestly with savvy financial planning I could probably manage the school fees as well but I was not anticipating paying everything solo in 2026 so started on the backfoot.

I think I am just so angry and fed up that I am bearing the brunt of absolutely everything all the time. He can't even put the kids to bed or get them to go to bed without me being disturbed.

I always wanted to fairy tale and hoped for so long it would get better but the never ending unemployment has made me see him for what he really is.

Also to add to it all, no one knows so I can't even rant to people. I want to keep up appearances - I know stupid but there you go. I am going to start telling people as I need the support.

@pragmatismuniversalsentimentalist Yeah I get that. OP will have to drop the luxuries such as private school. Unfair but can't see the alternative 😞

@OctoberCarrot How old are the kids if they need getting to bed?

They’re teens but would stay up all night if they weren’t chaperoned.

File for divorce. Rid yourself.

I’ve just arrived home, he hasn’t been at home for hours, there’s no food in the house and the kids are starving. What a piece of shit.

He's showing you he doesn't care about anyone but himself ... I'm sorry

Send him to his mother's. I think I'd have a hard job not physically kicking him out the door.

A desire to keep up appearances is completely understandable. Our partners are to some extent extensions of ourselves and they do reflect on us (something I think those who constantly moan about their partners to others are really missing. They can end up undermining their own reputations in the process.)

However, there comes a time when sticking by someone, constantly covering for them and trying to pretend it is all perfect becomes poisonous and undermines your own integrity and wellbeing. There also comes a time when we need support from others - practical, emotional, financial, whatever - and can end up isolated if we keep pretending.

I would also suggest that it's easy to feel that having chosen a partner who turns out to not be what we hoped is somehow our own failure and reflects poorly on us. However, people change, and our own needs and situations change. Sometimes someone was genuinely right for us at one point and then proves not to be later on. It doesn't make us (or necessarily them) a bad person or someone with bad judgement. It just reflects the complexities of life. It's too easy to fall into the 'sunk costs' fallacy - like the gambler who keeps thinking 'I've invested this much so surely I have to make it pay off, even if it means investing more and more and more', we can become imprisoned by hope and keep throwing good money after bad.

Send him to his mother’s. You shouldn’t be dealing with him in this state.

I’m sorry you are going through a shit time op.

My then husband lost his job at the start of the pandemic. Our children were 5 and 2 at the time. I upped my hours at work, I was wfh full time, but having to be at home with him full time was a huge eye opener. He still expected me to take the majority care of the children, wanting me to look after them all day then work when they went to bed. He’d text me while I was working asking me to stop and make dinner. He even used me as an excuse as to why he couldn’t answer his mum’s texts! “I’m too busy with the kids and cadburyegg is working all the time”! Financially it was tight - I remember my mum buying my ds2 a winter coat whilst my husband spent money on gadgets - BUT it was doable. He did get another job after about 8 months but I’d had enough by then and told him to leave. He’s now pretty much a deadbeat who doesn’t work or contribute towards his kids but seems to have found another woman who puts up with his bullshit.

You have some hard choices ahead and it’s more complicated for you with older children and school fees but when the time is right, don’t hesitate to do what you need to do.

@OctoberCarrot What's making you stay? Also, your kids will do just fine in a good state school.

If you sell the rental home and put that money into a fund for the kids school fees, can you cover the rest of the bills? The bills will be cheaper since you will have one less child to feed and coddle. If you can do that, dump him back to his mother and let her try raising him again. He's a user and sounds pretty dang worthless.

Yes the sale of the apartment would cover it.

TBH I am still perplexed that after nearly 7 months he is non plussed about the fact that he doesn't have a job and now has his mum rescuing him.

Is private school that important?
by the looks of it you are going to end up divorced with a lot of expenses and limited funds/pension. Why deplete what you have for school by selling the rental house? Unless you plan to pay all of it upfront as school fees (not sure that’s a good idea either)
If it were truly a temporary problem I’d agree that you hang in for stability but this appears to be a long term issue which is about to change trajectory.

Sounds like he's promised his Mum that repayments will start soon without agreeing that with you first...

Honestly I’d stick it out to keep the kids in school as it is equally important to them. It won’t affect my long term future. I have a good pension I’ve been paying into nearly 30 years. Surprisingly my husband has no pension. Well not surprising as he’s shit at most things.

I guess he might have but of course I won’t be contributing to until I’ve recouped all the additional expenses of the last 7 months above and beyond day to day expenses.

The only thing with divorce is that he is going to get half or some of your pension, but that is no reason to not do it. Why has he never paid into a pension? It sounds like he has always leaned on you & expected you to support him. Better to rip off the plaster now, than him take even more from you later.

I’m in a similar position OP, the stress is something else I actually worry I’m going to have a heart attack sometimes. It’s horrible and you have my massive sympathies.