Unemployed husband

[OctoberCarrot]

My husband was made unemployed nearly 6 months ago. He’s basically dossed around since then with a bare minimum of job hunting.

I sorted a mortgage holiday for three months to buy some time but he was always aware he just had to have a job by august 1st due to our financial commitments. Thats now nearly here, he’s no job and he’s looking at me like what’s my problem. We won’t be able to pay our mortgage school fees and utilities. We not over extended and I earn well but it’ll be practically impossible without his salary.

He doesn’t seem to get it. I’ve just lost the rag and he’s telling me to calm down.

Yes it has been a long and sad tale unfortunately.

Why are you still with him

Oh op. If you sell a joint rental property what is to stop him just taking his share of the money and it not going on fees?

it is beyond time to get away from this man. Safely and with as little impact to the children as possible. But get ways from him.

He could literally go to an employment agency today & start work almost immediately. What is stopping him?

Is he depressed? Do you think he might have ADHD?

Don't make financial decisions now that will screw you over later. Has he even signed on so that he gets NI credits & jobseekers?

He’s getting job seekers etc. I definitely think he has ADHD.

He mentioned today going through finances and getting a repayment plan for his mum. I said no way am I paying a penny back until you’re 6 months in a job.

6 months tomorrow and I’d say he’s applied for 6 jobs.

6 job applications in 6 months.

WTF

Whats his explanation, justification……. I mean excuse…?!!

Of course men have to work and women do too.

Sometimes women don’t work for a while, in my experience (with family and friends) it’s because her wages are normally lesser of the two and barely cover the childcare.

Even if she is on decent money, and stays working, she usually just breaks even when she pays for the childcare. That’s when it is sometimes decided that she becomes a SAHM for a while. It’s better for everyone. It’s maths and it’s a joint decision too.

men losing their job because they are lazy and welching on agreements is not the same at all. Plus someone who can’t hold down a job is not going to be able to run a house and care for children as that’s an even harder job and is 24hours a day, and doesn’t get huge praise from everyone either.

If he can’t hold down a job, is lazy and ignores reality, makes decisions without consulting his partner and can’t be honest or work hard, he is not going to be a good SAH parent.

No excuse just excuses scout how hard it is…

@3luckystars Why would "she" be expected to pay for the childcare? Surely the child or children belong to both parents?
I totally disagree that being a SAHP is harder than working a full-time job and yes - I've done both.

He doesn’t want a job. He had a job and pretty much made sure he lost it by not performing. Now he’s not looking for a job.
Why he doesn’t want a job I do not know. Maybe he thinks you and his mum will just sort out the money problems - that’s what is happening anyway.

Had he always been like this? Have you always had to explain life and his responsibilities to him?

I could not live with this. My dh has been out of work (through no fault of his own) and the stress of not earning money almost killed him. He did everything in his power to get more work. Luckily he got new contracts quickly and he earns very well but he has also got more qualifications (while working) so that if it ever was to happen again he’s in the best position possible.

Well I will have to disagree with that. I think being a SAHM is a really hard job and I’m not cut out for it. No way could I do it, not for any money.

I meant her wages just cover the childcare costs. You are of course correct and both parents should be paying for childcare.

@3luckystars What about a SAHM to children in school though?

Ok well it’s clear you’ve lost respect for him and so the relationship isn’t going to work.

so what’s the plan?

FFS, I cannot imagine the mentality of someone who reads a thread by a woman who is clearly distressed and thinks "here's my chance to make a poor menz post". I'm sorry, but its utterly pathetic. Stay at home parents are mutually agreed, irrelevant of sex.

@Naunet I don't think they are always. But anyway, the OP should definitely leave the marriage if it is not working for her.
The only thing I would say is it may go 50/50 with the children and that isn't easy at all.

You can think whatever nonsense you like, but this thread isn't about what you think. Go find all the examples of women deciding to quit her job and become a SAHM against her husbands wishes and even through the family cant afford it, and being supported on here and then start your own thread showing all your examples.

This thread is about supporting OP, not how unfair you think life is for men.

OP did this man put his hands around your throat?

@Naunet Why do you think women might not post threads like that on here do you think?
But anyway, I've said she should leave if she's not happy. Life is too short. But at the same time understand that there is very much a possibility of 50/50 shared care of any children which can be incredibly difficult.

I work in tech sales and was unexpectedly laid off in January. Luckily that’s a “good” time to be searching as teams change in the New Year, headcount is approved based on last year’s results etc. but it still took me until mid June to get a new role. Final count was 38 applications, 15 went to hiring mgr interview, 10 to next stage, 1 to offer. That was each day, every day. At the start, there were some scattergun, panicky applications but they obviously went no where. After a deep breath, I became much more targeted and specific in both company, role and my fit - which takes a lot of time. He needs to treat it as a proper sale campaign - ID possible companies he could work for, target their Sales mgmt through LI and any other channels, recruitment consultants etc. leverage AI to job match/ tailor CVs. Unfortunately, the market is in a different stage now - with holidays and so on, plus teams in place. Even with 100% focus, he could well be easily looking at another 4 to 6 months before he lands something. Also, while LI “apply” looks great as activity, it generates little to no result. I’d also get him to look at his LI settings - you can set a config that shows you to recruiters as being available but doesn’t trigger the Open to Work banner. He will need a premium LI account and poss Sales Nav, so about £100/ mth. If he can setup an email domain to get a company email, he can then also get access to Lusha or similar for contact details, about £40/ mth.

Thanks I will ask him to check LI. I found LI really useful when I was looking a few years ago.

For those asking, what am I going to do? Nothing much at the moment as financially we can barely survive in one house but this has been my wake up call for certain.

I get so fed up of being both home maker and doing the house hold drudge and work and was hoping he would be working by September so we could get some structure back in the house in terms of housekeeper etc.

He has also suggested I go on holidays next week without him so he can focus on job hunting. Like fuck that.... I mind his kids whilst he continues to do nothing. No chance. I need a proper break.

It sounds like you are almost threatening with the 50/50 thing?
I think you will find that, if done correctly, it works out rather well for Mothers who can have equal downtime/time to dedicate to work. They end up with time to themselves that they never had before the split, it can open up a whole new world!

@FoldItIn Have you had personal experience of 50/50? I have - for many years. My kids were just 3 and 6 when court ruled - now 16 and 19 (so out of CAO).
But if you have and found it easy I'd be interested to hear what parts you liked/didn't like?
The part I think I found really hard is not speaking to them when they were so small for 7 days straight, especially say when they were ill/going for a hospital appt etc.
I'm not saying it was wrong to leave (an abusive marriage in my case), but just that I don't think I understood how hard it would be to be without my little ones for such long periods.

I think you misread what I wrote. if done correctly.
Your situation sounds very different, you didn't get to speak to your children for seven days?? Even if taken ill/hospital appointment?
I'm sorry you went through that but please, do not use your experience to 'threaten' other women into staying in unhappy relationships.
We can leave for whatever reason we want, when done properly, 50/50 can work for the kids (most importantly), Mum and Dad.

I think the OP is doing the right thing right now, but I would be off if in 6 months, things weren't any different.
He doesn't just get to do nothing, he should at the very least be covering most of the house and kid stuff. He isn't a good man. Men who do nothing in the house full stop whether working or not are not good men.

@FoldItIn The issue comes with 50/50 arises when one party doesn't co-parent effectively. Obviously there is nothing the other parent can do to change this behaviour, especially I would guess in instances in which one of the two parties may not have wished for the divorce to happen in the first place.
Clearly you have made coparenting work for you and I applaud you for that, but it isn't always the way it works out.
As I say, I am not saying for one second to stay, but coparenting with a non-cooperative, or even obstructive, coparent is incredibly tough. On everyone.

Well he returned home and left us on holiday. It was so peaceful without him. He did nothing whilst at home on his own. All the small household jobs that need to be done or even apply for a fucking job. He now brings nothing to our life,

Still banging on about a repayment plan for his mum. As if. He can pay her back when he’s got a bloody job.