Unemployed husband

[OctoberCarrot]

My husband was made unemployed nearly 6 months ago. He’s basically dossed around since then with a bare minimum of job hunting.

I sorted a mortgage holiday for three months to buy some time but he was always aware he just had to have a job by august 1st due to our financial commitments. Thats now nearly here, he’s no job and he’s looking at me like what’s my problem. We won’t be able to pay our mortgage school fees and utilities. We not over extended and I earn well but it’ll be practically impossible without his salary.

He doesn’t seem to get it. I’ve just lost the rag and he’s telling me to calm down.

He’s been dismissed for not performing at work. This means he’s been coasting along doing the bare minimum and his employer has had enough. But why do you think he would be any different to that at home? Big decisions coming up for you now.

So he lost his job due to the fact of his poor performance, he has spent the last 6 months doing fuck all and he knew that come August 1st you will no longer be able to pay the mortgage and school fees / bills. He doesnt have a plan and has now buggered off for "a drive". He has made no effort to get back into work.

You sadly cannot afford private education anymore, you will need to give a terms notice to the school and get the ball rolling on a move to a state school. Is it worth talking to the bursar to outline the circumstances and see whether they can offer any financial assistance for the autumn term.

Talk to the mortgage lender and see if they can give you any extension on the payment break.

He needs to get a job as soon as possible, any job to bring in some income. He now does not have the luxury of being choosy about employment. He needs it telling straight, either he sorts himself out, steps up and starts pulling his weight or you dump and divorce him.

He sounds like a lazy bellend who needs a reality check.

@OctoberCarrot
Is he doing anything constructive whilst at home all day? Housework?

Sounds like it’s time for a divorce OP.

Generally when someone is a SAHP, its discussed, finances are looked at and its decided as a couple. It's not usually a parent loses their job and goes fuck it I will stay home now! So why on earth you are comparing one to the other I do not know.

Its not a man vs woman thing here, its a household where 2 incomes are required and the person who lost their job seems oblivious to that and has done nothing in 6 months to change that!

If you’re honest and say about your circumstances they might negotiate with you but either way even if you have to pay until Christmas
pull them out
in a state school

then negotiate with them a payment plan

house on the market

cancel any un-necessary subscriptions

when house is sold divide up the cash and start again - on your own, without this cock lodger of a waste of space!

@holidayhelpneeded1 Still feel the responses would be very different if a woman wanted to give up work in order to look after the kids/home.
Hence why I asked if the DH is contributing in this way at all.
Or literally doing nothing.

Yes you’re right I feel he’s pretty useless. Still is.

thanks for sharing your experience, it would be great if he realised what he needs to do. There is an advertised job with a former colleague and I’ve pleased he apply.

I'm just so annoyed that his inaction has put us in this situation and he’s now panicked.

I think being a stay at home parent is a family decision whether it’s mum or dad.

You are trying to create an issue about sex that just isnt there. 1 person cannot unilaterally decide to stop working without an agreement as a couple and that goes for being a man or a woman. I feel like you are trying to create something that just isnt there.

This isnt a man wanting to be a SAHP because financially they cant afford to so you keep banging on about this is derailing the thread with an issue that doesnt exist. He isnt asking to be a SAHP he just hasnt been arsed to find a job, the two arent the same!

Being a SAHP is a joint decision and should only be the case if both spouses have agreed and are ok with it. In this case he has put you in an untenable position. He was sacked due to poor performance and has jeopardised your ability to pay your mortgage and bills and has done nothing in the last 6 months to find work. Hes not sounding like a reliable partner.

@OctoberCarrot Useless as in he does nothing at home either?

How will he react when you tell him his inactivity means you now need to sell up?

We went through similar and the anger is real. After laying out all the options but having no buy in or action from DH I informed him I would now be making decisions alone that I considered would the best/most protective for myself and kids and he could come along for the ride or sort himself out. Funnily enough our deadline was also 1 August a year ago.

my DH did finally get some interviews lined up but the process was all too late and none of them came to anything despite some getting to the final stage. I put my plan into action and we had to relocate to our home country as my salary alone was not enough to cover expenses beyond that point.

Sit down and work through what you see your options being. Inform him but then just get on with it.

We are about a year on and finally in a better place. Reality set in for DH on the day the mover arrived and packed the stuff into our container. Looking back he now says he was just in a state of shock and couldn’t bring himself to face the reality and gravity of the situation. To be fair he was actually suffering from
burnout and basically had a mental breakdown where he couldn’t really engage with daily life.

My advice would be to work through what you see your options being. Inform him and give him the option to be involved but then just get on with it. Speak to your bank about the situation. Some can offer additional hardship support. Strip all of your expenses back to absolute bare minimum and work out how long your salary plus any savings will last. Check any investments to see if they can be cashed in and look at items that can be sold if necessary.

Its scary, and frustrating and the anger is real when the other partner refuses to engage with a situation they have largely contributed to.

He won't change.

Get a divorce.

Nothing worse than an albatross round your neck in life with kids in your house.

Sorry you are going through this OP. Been there....

If a woman came on here and said she wanted to give up work to stay at home but her husband said they simply could not afford that option and she said fuck it i am not working, she would have her ass handed to her. For two reasons:

1. financial irresponsibility towards the costs of running their house
2. for putting herself in a vulnerable position, which mumsnet again typically doesn't like women to do.

But if you can find a thread where this happened, the household bills could not be met but the thread supported her desire not to work, please do post that link.

Thanks for the insight.

He wanted a sit down today to discuss options. I told him he needs to go to his mum this morning and borrow the school fees. She has the money. Explain exactly what what you haven’t done and what you need. I can afford all the other bills. That loan is between him and his mum and will make him accountable to her. He can then explain to her when he can’t pay her back.

Loads of delivery driver jobs are (like Amazon) are very easy to get and have an immediate start. Would that be an option while he finds something else? You can actually earn ok money from them.

Surprise surprise he spent all afternoon in his mums but she wasn’t there so he didn’t get to ask her. She’s away from tomorrow morning into Tuesday so definitely Wednesday morning. Like fucking hell he really is utterly useless. I’m going to have to go and ask her aren’t I?

Is there some reason he cant ring or text her...I suspect you've had to put up with a lot of weaponised incompetence and laziness from him..he made this problem so he can sort it out..doing it for him wont teach him that as of now you are done with his laziness and uselessness.

Yes, I think this is the key point.

Go to his mum, tell her everything she’s raised!

When do the school fees need paying? Is it august 1st? He needs to take any job really. Getting into debt is a bad option

August 1st. He won’t have a job and be paid by then. He should get a job. It shouldn’t be such a problem. Him not applying got jobs is the problem. I’m hoping his debt to his mum will be a greater motivation.

What happens when he doesnt pay?

Put the house on the market and file for divorce.
Do not go begging to his mum, make him do that if it needs doing.
maybe seeing the for sale sign on his family’s home will give him a kick up the bum so you don’t actually need to sell.