Unemployed husband

[OctoberCarrot]

My husband was made unemployed nearly 6 months ago. He’s basically dossed around since then with a bare minimum of job hunting.

I sorted a mortgage holiday for three months to buy some time but he was always aware he just had to have a job by august 1st due to our financial commitments. Thats now nearly here, he’s no job and he’s looking at me like what’s my problem. We won’t be able to pay our mortgage school fees and utilities. We not over extended and I earn well but it’ll be practically impossible without his salary.

He doesn’t seem to get it. I’ve just lost the rag and he’s telling me to calm down.

My H did this regularly over the 20 years we were married always at the worst possible times.
He didnt do anything in the house or garden either.
Everything was on me and I was exhausted with it.
In the end I divorced him. I just couldnt take any more.

And I also lost all respect for him.

Put the house on the market.

This

Don't borrow the money from his mum; you don't want to owe her.
Let him but make it clear it's a solo debt between him and his mum.

I'd file for divorce; you can always withdraw it down the line, but go for a financial separation now...

Let me guess.. this isn't the first time he's shown a complete lack of awareness, iniative, and planning?

There are currently shortages of bus drivers and train drivers. That could be worth looking into.

So did mine. In exactly the same time frame. I lost all respect for him too, divorced him, and am much happier for it.

He went to speak to her, but wasn’t there? So he stayed all afternoon at her house on his own?

She’s not back till Wednesday? Why will you have to go and speak to her, not him?

Is she somewhere without a phone-can’t he ring her?

This is an interesting perspective with good advice I think.
If your husband is having some sort of breakdown and is paralysed into inaction, you need to take control of the situation. Put the house on the market and file for divorce, it might be the shock he needs.
If he is just a lazy useless weight around your neck, this won't change any thing from his end, but at least you won't be paralysed by him anymore and you will have started the ball rolling on building a new life.
Do you love him? Do you actually want to be with him?

Edited out duplicate post!

He wants to sit down with his Mum which I understand, I think she will be surprised but hopefully supportive. There are a few nosy and interfering siblings which I think is making him try and approach it the right way.

It is paralysis that is stopping him but I keep explaining that he just needs to get on with it.

Divorce won't help the situation as honestly I can't pay for the stuff with him in the same house it is not going to be sorted by divorcing.

I don't really see how darling mummy to the rescue will solve your problem long term. He's been content to let you support him for months, I think you're overestimating the shame factor.

She isn't going to solve it long term I know that but we need a fix within 2 weeks. Having to shame himself in front of his Mum will hopefully be the kick up the ass. Those fees paid give me a 12 month breather where I can action a house sale etc.

Op it sounds awful, I was irritated by all the ltb because I was unemployed a few years ago and you do become slightly delusional- you apply for a few and wait and don’t realise you need to get on and apply for absolutely everything. Saying that I think
i I remember commenting on an old post of yours saying if someone calls someone useless they’re basically done with the relationship- I’d hate to think of dh saying I was useless (even if I was!!!). Hope ye both gigure things out one way or another

So tears this morning like a petulant toddler. What else can we do? Is there not something else? There are no jobs to apply for.

I am just so tired of it all.

Let us see if he does actually manage to approach his mum today. Between work I will be trying to come up with a Plan B.

OP, I really feel for you. What on earth does be mean by 'is there not something else?' - like what? Yes just get any job you can, honestly surely he needs to wake up soon.
Buy yourself some time with the mum school fee loan and have a serious rethink.

I know you’re in a financial crisis but I really don’t think to rely on his mum to pay for school fees is a feasible option. You defo need a plan B. Sounds like he was managed out and that can really effect confidence and ego. He also seems abit lost maybe he should take something on at a lower salary till he builds his confidence again. I totally understand your frustration but in the same breath he sounds abit broken.

I do think he is lost and just cannot see the woods from the trees. I do feel for him in that regard but he has also stuck his head in the sand for too long. I send daily emails with suggestions and I am not even sure if he is applying for them.

The loan will just buy us time, in fact a whole year of time. I have shares that I can sell but I don't think me bailing him/us out is the answer to our problems but I know it is there on the back burner.

So he claims there are no jobs to apply for - really?!!

Has he considered lowering his entitlement expectations and applying for more junior roles?

Yes I know, anything just anything as I said to him even just apply. He seems to be incapable of applying. It is so frustrating.

Think he may need to go to the doctors, does his old job/union having a free counselling service he can use. It sounds like he is stuck in flight-fight mode. I know it doesn’t solve your immediate problems but he needs to get on on track again. Has he lost motivation in other areas of his life also?

I think I need to encourage that. He doesn't have a lot of confidence and he was knocked for six when he lost his job. He procrastinates a lot and just can't get his shit together in lots of aspects of his life. Also we obviously have a lot of issues so I am not the woman he needs but we are where we are at the moment and he just needs to get on with it.

I wouldn’t say you aren’t the women he needs in his life. You’re in a hard place and up against it. He could do with a plan to figure out what type of work is best suited to him and what kind of employer he needs. I have been in a similar positions to you husband and it’s tough. I now work for local government and it’s world away from corporate environments, don’t get me wrong we have immense workload probably more than corporate to be fair but they too some degree care about well being. So I would highly recommend council/government jobs, although pay isn’t always the greatest they want you to succeed and mainly positive.

Also he needs to do things that ‘fill his cup’ so to speak so things he used to enjoy before kids and the daily grind. If he enjoyed walking or any kind of exercise , force himself to get back into it in small doses and builds up confidence and dopamine. It’s a process but he needs to realise his job isn’t his worth.

Thankfully she has agreed to lend us the money. He had a good chat with his Mum. I am so relieved I feel like jumping for joy. I might just do that on the way home.