Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

Don't ruin their futures, yada yada, yada; yet the emotional burden, that lasts a lifetime, causing countless harms to the victim is completely ignored.

My stance would be that you already did him a huge favour by not reporting him to the Police for assault and if he really had matured, as they say, then he would be on your doorstep with apologies.

He's not.

I'd repeat that until the message is understood.

That's not all the family tho is it?
I'm sure most of them don't want to take sides and just want everyone to get along.
And what about the children in the family who she's missing out on seeing none of this business is anything to do with them.

Easy to say just forget about the lot of them but very hard to do in real life which is why I would go along but ignore the twat.

X

I feel very sad for you. It must be very difficult navigating your familial relationships if they are all telling you to just let it go. That's obviously not easily done, nor should you be demanded to do so.
If your nephew has actually turned his life around to some extent and is more mature, is there a possibility that you could initiate a discussion with him (not necessarily f2f, but over email or text perhaps) to explain how his actions impacted you and how it's continuing to impact your relationship with not only him but the entire family? You perhaps could in that exchange explain that you'd like to have a relationship with him again, but don't feel you can with this incident still hurting you. If he's not forthcoming with what you feel is an acceptable apology, you might be able to ask him for that. Otherwise, I can't see your situation improving at all.

The nephew isn't a"twat," though. He committed assault. The family, wanting everyone to get along are wishful and ignorant at best, but are actually dismissive and enabling the behaviour.

Wow! His behaviour is utterly vile. I would’ve reported him to the police.

If it was all hormones and the poor sausage couldn’t help it, why did they throw him out then?
Hypocrisy comes to mind!

I’d actually report him to the police now. Sod the fall out. The little git needs to realise actions have consequences. Teenage hormones my foot.

Appalling behaviour from the nephew and even worse from his parents. I would disown my child if they dared hit my sibling and thought they could just forget about it. That kind of behaviour would be nipped in the bud and he would have serious consequences. Can’t believe they think it is fine and he is a kid. I thought we were talking about a 5 year old not a 17 year old. If he thinks he can get away with that behaviour what hope do future partners etc have. It is one thing if he was just rude, completely different since he hit you. That is never ok.

if he is such a decent young man now. He would obviously know that OP is avoiding family functions and the reason why.

At 23 he would clearly know that he owes his aunt an apology for assaulting her.

my mind boggles at how people are minimising this. I can’t even imagine someone having the gall to do this to their aunt.

Until he does that - divided the family falls.

You seem to assume that OP is refusing to be in the same room as him through choice. Maybe you could consider that she may have a rather huge aversion to the nephew.

People don't always do things to 'prove a point'.

It sounds as though the person getting hurt by refusing to move on is you.

If you still feel unsafe in his presence then of course you should continue to refuse to see him. If its about an apology then perhaps you should reconsider.

Have you tried forgiving him - for your sake, not for his? If you could, it might make it easier for you to decide what, if anything, to do next. Doesn't mean you have to see him.

I'm so so sorry this has happened to you. You have every right to be angry and let down and sad.

Whilst your nephew may have been an immature teen, at 17 yrs, he should know that physical assault is not OK. It certainly doesn't excuse your sister's and BIL who should know better.

Unfortunately in difficult events, people would rather bury their heads in the sand, ignore, shrug off any responsibility and instead put pressure on the person not to say anything, and to forgive and move on.

My guess is that you have probably done this before many times in order to keep peace, and now that you are refusing to, they don't like it - and that is the problem with your extended family.

Stand your ground. You did nothing wrong. It was not unreasonable to expect an apology. It is not unreasonable to expect an acknowledgement of his behaviour. Instead, you have got the classic narcissistic behaviour of DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim, offender). Sadly, narcissists will never apologise much less acknowledge.

In your shoes, I would:

a) Give up waiting for an apology or a 'Damascus' type moment
b) Continue not seeing your nephew, sister and BIL - well done for holding your boundary so far
c) If the rest of your family put pressure on, say "You know my reasons and my feelings. I won't be engaging with X, Y and Z. Please respect that."
d) Ask yourself: Is your extended family and their lack of support, in a time where you really needed them, something you are genuinely comfortable with?? Are you really happy with that sort of a relationship?

I’d report him and I’d make sure his partner knew he had assaulted you. A crime is still a crime even though years have passed! I sympathize, we have a similar family split and it has and will continue to ruin numerous family occasions. Won’t go into details but suffice to say, we have the usual people who don’t want to get involved, don’t want to give an opinion, think it should just be smoothed over - all in denial. You’re made to feel guilt for having a totally normal, human response and behaving accordingly. The ultimate in gaslighting and minimization. It can be very hard not to feel betrayed by people you thought you could count on.

OP, don't let family members gaslight you into thinking you're the problem here. Yiur feelings are legit and you have every right to feel upset after an assault by a 17 (who is now 23). He hasn't matured into a decent human. My 17 yo wouldn't assault anyone. If he's matured he should apologise.

No, not okay.

You have my sympathy, I’ve a nephew that’s threatened violence since early teens. Never actually carried out his threats but he’s in his 30s now and still doing it. I’ve quietly cut contact after the last lot of threats last year as I wouldn’t tolerate that behaviour from anyone else in my life and I’m waiting for the fallout from my sister next time I host a larger family event and don’t invite him. His parents never held him to account for his threats of violence when he was younger so he just continued.
if we wouldn’t tolerate the behaviour from a stranger we absolutely shouldn’t tolerate it from a family member.

in these kind of circumstances "not taking a side" IS taking a side. "just wanting everyone to get along" IS taking a side.

where did you get that bunch of toot from? And his family have already said that he never apologises which they seem to think is ok.

My god, how awful!! Of your uncle, and your parents.

If someone did that to one of my kids (or me) I think I'd knock them out!

Can't believe this. My son is a teenager. Much younger than 17. He absolutely knows hitting anyone is wrong and never done. The nephew sounds very scary in fact. I would say even psychopathic. To just throw someones keys away like that is abusive in itself. Even without the hitting.

But then, if he had matured then he would apologise.

i have an aunt who physically assaulted me and things have never been the same, I cut her off for a while but for my mums sake, I go to family events but I don’t say anything to his aunt apart from hi and that’s only if I have to. I’m civil but won’t forget what she did. My aunt has apologised but I’m not interested, she’s always had a problem with me , even when I was a child.

“If he had matured, then he would apologise”.

I think not, as his parents have set a shocking example.

It's in the OP "I simply refuse to be in the same room as him"

That's a myth. Many of us do, however, recognise that there's an inherent power imbalance in a sex act where one person penetrates the other and can leave the penetrated person pregnant.

"move on" always means "I am sick of hearing about this now"

It is never about your feelings or comfort but theirs.