Family expect me to move on after nephew's unforgivable behaviour

[letmebetheone]

We have a big family split and I'm being made to feel responsible for upsetting everyone.

About 5 years ago my nephew did something to me which was unforgiveable. My sister and brother in law spoilt him from being small and he did not get disciplined at all which in turn made their lives hell when he reached his teens.

I had always been very close to him growing up but as he got older he really went off the rails. Sadly he was allowed to get away with any behaviour and when he did what he did to me I got no back up from sis and BIL .
I was so distressed that I wanted to report what he had done to the Police but I was stopped by sis as she wanted it sweeping under the carpet and was making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked for an apology from him but sis said 'You will be lucky, he apologises to no-one'.
He then called round at my house and I thought he was coming to apologise but instead when I opened the door he hurled a torrent of abuse at me and called me the most awful names.

I tackled my sis and BIL about it but instead of agreeing that he was out of order they made excuses for his behaviour.

Long story short, I just could not get past the way he was allowed to get away with what he had done especially as I agreed to not go to the Police and my sis and bil would not give me any back up. It was just 'The way he is' 'His age' etc etc.

So I fell out with sis and bil and refused to see nephew again.

But I am from a big family, 3 brothers and 4 sisters and it has had a knock on affect at every family occasion because I simply refuse to be in the same room as him. I really thought that as time went on he would mature, realise he should not have done what he did and perhaps eventually apologise.
However its now got to the stage where everyone is saying I should let it go as its making it difficult for everyone else.

Everyone else is fine with him and think I am over reacting but they were not there at the time. They all think I should get over it and as my youngest brother said 'Be the adult'. My nephew is now 23.

Im feeling like the bad guy and finding it difficult to cope with it. I admit I feel really bitter but on the one hand I hate it becoming a family divide but on the other I cant let it go.

Your DSis and BIL let their DC have his own way with no consequences for years, so it's no surprise he became a monster of a teenager, even they couldn't excuse it anymore and made him leave. Now he's older and doing better they want to forget what a shoddy job they did as parents, your refusal to see him is a constant reminder of not only that but what an unpleasant person their DS became.
He may have matured but he's never said sorry because he is still that spoilt child, he was used to having his own way and you refusing to give him his own way enraged him, maybe he still thinks what he did wasn't that bad.

This is the second thread in as many days where people have been apologising and making excuses for violent men. Every single apologist has bloody hands. Do better.

Someone once told me
”you should never be expected to be the bigger person when you didn’t create the discomfort in the first place”

the end

Lots of parents I suspect, shit ones. I had even worse done to me by a family member and have been told to “let it go” it’s inconvenient for people so they’d rather pretend it didn’t happen.

Do not let your family bully you into socialising with some one who physically abused you op. They only want your compliance so they they can put this to bed and pretend it never happened. Oh look letmebetheone's come to our party so it couldn't have been that bad and it's now all forgotten. Your perfectly natural stance on this reminds them every time you don't attend that they are both shit parents with a violent son.

It's actually sexist behaviour as well as everything else - you are expected to put up with it, get over it and let everybody else feel ok about it so they don't have to tackle a young man about his appalling behaviour - everyone is happy except you and you're the one who ends up being excluded. I would talk to everyone individually and say that you are incredibly hurt and mystified as to how this has been allowed to go on so long and how they would react if it was their wife/daughter/mother who had been assaulted, sworn at and never had a single apology while they all pretend nothing has happened. Appalling.

Don’t back down, OP. What he did was despicable and unforgivable. You are being totally rational here and the rest of the family needs to grow the fuck up.

Have read all your updates but not TFT. I would urge you to report to police even if years have gone by. My only question is whether the rest of the family are aware of the détail of the assault, and also the level of support you were providing the fucker at the time. If not, I would make sure they were given this vital info

Physical assault is never acceptable. If from a 5 year old having a tantrum, accept they are behaving badly and move on but a 17 year old knows better. You should have reported it at the time OP.

No more Facebook, as you've said. It's not great even without something like this to seethe over. However, I don't know if I could allow this to prevent me from having relationships with the rest of my family (beyond your horrible nephew and his parents).

As outraging as the situation was (and still is), I can see why your other siblings don't want to get involved or be seen to be taking sides, especially given that it's been five years and Shithead Nephew is now behaving himself. I'm not saying you should have to brush it all under the carpet, and he absolutely should have apologised—but I'd be damned if I'd cut myself off from my entire family because of a few shitty people in the group. It's your choice, though, and I understand that it's not an easy problem to negotiate.

Your family members who tried to excuse his behaviour by saying he was only a child are ridiculous. A 17-year-old boy can have the strength of an adult male and be just as intimidating. It's not like a toddler having a tantrum—or even a ten-year-old throwing a punch. And if he's now such a mature young man that his parents are proud of him, he ought to be capable of making an extremely belated apology. (I'd find it hard to give a shit or take it seriously at this point, if I'm honest, but I guess it could smooth things over a bit if he would at least pretend to see that he was in the wrong.)

my dh used to fight alot when he young yes he was an idiot. one thing he never did was hit a woman. Once you do that i think it's in you to do it again whatever age

I'm so sorry you went through this OP.
They aren't ever going to apologise properly to you so the ball is in your court as to whether you want to try to re establish a relationship or not.
All I can say is that in our family (and most families, I imagine) we would be supporting you and not the aggressor.

You should have reported the attack to the police as soon as it happened.

17 isn’t that young to behave so badly - he should have known better, he’s wasn’t a toddler.
I’d find it impossible to forgive him or his dumb facilitating parents.
If your family are too lily livered to support you I’d keep them at arms length too. Although I suppose you could ask everyone to yours without the horrible nephew and his equally awful parents.
Don’t be fooled by Facebook there’s a good chance he’s still a poor excuse for a human - Facebook is not a true reflection of most people’s lives.

Absolutely he should have apologised, but he's not going to - and so I think you have to decide whether to move forward with acceptance of the situation in order to keep in contact with your family, or to continue to stand your ground and lose those relationships. His parents will no doubt have been through what you experienced, and probably for a longer period - to them, things have improved and moved on, and it sounds like your family is letting bygones be bygones - meanwhile you're looking (rightly) for an acknowledgment and apology that just isn't forthcoming. It may come one day - hopefully it will as he matures further, but at the moment it's a difficult choice for you to make.

I would do this.

Why should you miss out on family stuff because of him.
Hold your head up high - go to the next do and ignore him.
If anyone asks just respond (insert name) who?

X

He physically assaulted you. That should néver be forgotten. I don't care whether the family consider him a "nice guy" now, that behavior is part of his history he ís not a níce guy.

Don't listen to "forgive and forget" @letmebetheone
You are not "holding a grudge".

Your family are enablers and assholes.
They should be pressuring nephew, sis and BiL and ostracizing them.
Sorry, I would still file the report, even at this late date. Why protect him at your own expense? Why?????
Internalized misogyny, that's why.
Educate yourself, get therapy, file a police report and move on from your family. It will be freeing to do this and find your self-respect.

In the same situation Op. Treated abusively by my golden child brother who i had been very good to. He was backed up by my father and mother. I had actually done nothing wrong. Family closed ranks on me. I'm still in shock.

I have distanced myself from them over the past year. I'm actually avoiding my elderly parents. And I am praying I can create my own family, forget them all and let them at it.

It also wasnt one isolated incident but a pattern. The gaslighting is the worst.

I would blame his shithead parents more than him. They have enabled his behaviour.

Why should she spend time with family who didn't support her though? I would tell her to build her own life away from them.

Interesting that you feel its internalized misogyny. How sad.

I'm in the same boat with something awful and humiliating my older brother did to me. Father backed him up, as did my mother and other brother. Shitheads.

Where does the misogyny come from?

My experience (as a secondary school teacher) is that teenage boys who commit acts of violence against women go on to be - at best - misogynists and - at worst - violent miscreants.

The fact that the family seems to be brushing it all under the carpet does not bode well.

Because boys and men are still prioritized and girls and women are still socialized to nurture them.

Yes, its absolutely shit. So degrading.

I would run a mile from all of them. The whole family dynamic is toxic. They will get their come uppances.

A teenage boy who punched me in the stomach pretended that it was an accident in the aftermath. In his 20s, he was boasting about the assault.

He's supposedly an upstanding citizen now.

This.