DH working from home ALL the time; feeling absolutely drained by him

[Gotitthanks]

That sounds horrible but hear me out. DH is disabled. It’s fairly recent and we’re all still adjusting I dare say.

Work has adjusted to him working from home permanently. Because of his disability he has to sit in a specially adapted chair. There’s no room for it in any of the bedrooms upstairs so he’s in the lounge.

Since he’s sleeping badly at night he is working when he can. He was working until 8 o clock last night. We have young children and I am sick to death of having a husband who is there in all but name.

I know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL without sounding an arse but truth is I’m sick of the sight of him!

Have you told him how it is for you? Speak to him and let him know. Hes not a mind reader.

Its my understanding that people who are bereaved can get support from some hospice services or other sources eg MacMillan. I certainly was offered a couple of things when my husband died. I am not talking about the kind of "therapy sessions" that you seem to be envisaging.
Depression is not bereavement and the treatment will depend very much on what has precipitated the depression....assuming there even is depression.
In this case, there seems to be a lot to disentangle. The mental and emotional effects that a family member's becoming disabled can precipitate, some practical problem solving, a whole load if non judgemental listening by someone who has experience of all this stuff. Are you saying that this should wait a year or that medication is a pre requisite?

Hi @Gotitthanks I think you've explained your problem really clearly and it sounds really tough.

You've said a lot about what your DH does, but not why he does it or what he has said when you've questioned him. He has clearly found a safe space with his work where he feels that he can be productive, albeit only at certain times of day and located in your lounge, which is a big issue for the family.

Sorry if you have tried this, but could you say to him quite firmly that 4pm to 6pm needs to be family time and between these hours he could help out by helping your DCs with homework or playing a game or doing something else that he is physically capable of, that would help you, and would make the children feel connected to him? After 6pm (or 7pm) he can go back to work, but make clear how much that would help the family.

The reason I suggest this is I wonder if he is struggling to find his role in the household now he is disabled. You are clearly doing an amazing job with the children and maybe he is trying to define himself as a worker/provider. Maybe he would welcome the opportunity to take on more of the parenting if it was made clear to him what he needs to do that is something he is capable of.

I know this also puts more mental load on you @Gotitthanks but it sounds like currently you are both lovely people working really hard but there is a disconnect that is creating friction. I really hope you are able to find a new balance that works for all of your family.

So when and where do you work?

What would be your ideal compromise?

Hi OP,

This sounds like a hugely stressful, difficult situation for all of you and there is going to be no magic suggestion which will make things better, everything sounds hard.

a couple of things came to mind as I read your posts.

• you can’t move him from the lounge. This seems non-negotiable for many reasons. However I think you still need to set a boundary around him working in the lounge at family time. You said that his work is incredibly supportive and he doesn’t have to work all this time. Between you try and reach a compromise.
• when you are caring for someone, especially if you are also looking after young children there really ain’t much time for you at all. I’d encourage you to accept as much help as possible and to be as ‘selfish’ as you can be. Caring is so draining and it’s so easy, because you have sympathy for the person you are caring for to put yourself last. In the long run though it can lead to your own health issues which is no good to anyone. Like the airport rule goes - put your own mask on first.

sorry there’s nothing anyone can say or do to make this situation any easier. I so hope that the condition can improve and family life becomes a little more enjoyable again in future. Xxx

He has become disabled. He has made sure he keeps his job. Due to disturbed sleep - caused by said disability - he sometimes works until 8pm to make sure he keeps his job presumably and because he can still contribute to the family by providing income. Since walking hurts, I'm assuming you aren't expecting him to put a wash on or take his children for a kick about in the park....so he is doing what he can.

You are not a single parent. Parenting alone and being a single parent are very different, believe me. Single parents are not 2 income households - or households where one person brings in more economically and the other contributes more to domestic chores. Clue is in the name.

As someone who is a single parent, works full time and is disabled, I'd say you need to catch yourself on.

I'm afraid as others have said, while his disability impacts you, it doesn't impact you as much as it impacts him.

Mercifully I have medication which keeps my disability mostly under control. But being in constant pain, walking hurting, not being able to sleep because of pain - I know what that is like. And I worked too.

It's harder than parenting a couple of kids as a fully healthy person, believe me.
I get that it's hard for you, and you are upset. But you need to talk to a therapist - and try to come to a compromise and also please please try to find empathy for him. Until you have been in relentless pain for weeks and months combined with the fear that you will never get better, you have no idea what it is like. And it's lonely and hard. And you fear losing everyone and everything because of becoming a burden. Please please do t make him feel a burden as he sits in the living room working and making money for the family. He could have taken to his bed depressed. I never did that either but believe me, it's not easy to choose to fight day on day out, forever.

Also, he is working till 8pm - that's not that unusual anyway. He's not making loud phone calls at 2:30am waking up the whole house.
YABVU

Why do you think this? If a man was single handedly parenting his children and caring for his wife who is now seriously disabled, but able to work, her work are very flexible but she chooses to work the main hours the children are around and ignores them… the man would have my sympathy. He is not so disabled he can’t do some work, he needs to remember he has children and ignoring them while present is profoundly difficult for them to understand and can be quite damaging. The op also has to make up for all the love and support they are cut off from by watching their dad engage with work but ignore them, it’s a big ask.

OK, garden office is out for now. How about turn it into a little space for you and the kids when he's working at 8pm or you just want a break? At least in the summer when it's warm enough. Is it big enough to hang out in? And no, I'd not leave the kids there overnight either as a bedroom, more of a den for you and the children when you need a little time away.

I hope your husband 'comes back' to you soon emotionally. You've all been through it, am very sorry.

I have only read your posts OP so I’m sorry if this is repeating anything.

1: access to work - the change to permanent homeworking & his disability will mean this will help him. Long wait for help so apply as soon as.

2: occ therapy referral, either through the drs or his employers, they will suggest practical mobility/work aids that will help him

3: keep on at the drs re his pain meds to ensure he is getting all the help.

4: self refer to the LA & see what support/modifications they can help with.

I saw you get annoyed re the garden cos he can’t get out there but you can. Can you make it a playroom/chill out area for you & the kids even if just temporary so you can have some space.

It’s really hard on you both, this is life changing and the chronic pain, sounds like hubby is potentially a little depressed (no surprise) and might need some support there. Its awful being in pain 24/7 and I have so much sympathy for you all. Right now it sounds like you need a little safe space for yourself and so if you can use the garden room do it, even if you just stick in a bean bag, some toys and twinkly lights

You're being unfair. She IS parenting alone. In addition, OP is also caring for him. DH has nothing to do with the children, in fact he's actually damaging his children's development by ignoring them. OP has no space for herself. He's always there, but not.

Someone's it's easier to parent ones kids alone, than with someone who adds to the load rather than shares it. Any number of divorced women will arrest to that.

So stop being defensive about OP calling herself a single parent. There's no need to be pedantic about the term. She is as alone and lonely as many single parents and her life i and her children's is probably more restricted than a single parent, due to her caring responsibilities for her DH.

Can you not talk to him about it?

Say, DH, I think it would be beneficial for the whole family if you just do the bare minimum as your work has said they would be happy for you to do, as I am finding it very difficult to adjust to all this with you sitting in the family space at 8pm ignoring everyone.

Disabled people are people. He hasn’t just become untouchable because he’s having a hard time - you clearly are too!

Can he speak to occupational health and explain the situation - that he doesn’t physically have a space to work while the kids are around? Occupational health were brilliant when my husband was ill, there was a lot of emotional support and recognition that it impacted the whole family.

The ignoring the kids needs to stop immediately and if it doesn’t then you should seriously consider removing them from the situation.

Garage conversion?

I have no advice. I just wanted to send you love, hugs and strength. I honestly can’t imagine how difficult life is for you currently. I hope and pray things get easier. ❤️💪

Get quotes to turn the garden office into a proper work space. - paved pathway, reverse cycle heating/cooling, disabled toilet, sink with kettle and toaster, desk and special chair space, and a single bed.

Then DH can go to work (ignoring the family) and come home from work being greeted by kids and you at end of day.

It might take a while for DH to get back to accomplishing work tasks in reasonable times.

DH would normally ghost you while he is at work. Don't be offended. It can only improve.

As he gains strength and skills you will feel more comfortable in asserting your needs as a family.

Ask for defined work hours.

Ask for regular interaction with the children - a story time twice a day, watching kids kick balls, makes the family breakfast and meals on weekends etc.

Communicate that you miss DH's company.
Ask what he can cope with - a movie night ...

You absolutely don’t need to put those feelings aside. You need to have those feelings validated because they’re certainly reasonable. Obviously you can’t share them with him but you’re not suggesting doing that so that’s not an issue.

I really feel for you OP, it sounds like a really lonely place for you right now. And for it to happen overnight seems even worse as you’ve had no time to adjust.

It must be confusing too as part of you seems to want him to not be around for some of the time so you can have some space. And then part of you wants him to engage in family life but that’s not possible either because work has become his anchor. I suppose he is struggling with feelings of inadequacy as he can’t be the husband and father he once was but at least he can work so it’s some degree of normality/pride.

And I think you get that but that doesn’t help you to deal with all the responsibilities that have been dumped on you and the loss of the husband you had because he’s not the same. And you need to be able to adjust to the new reality and grieve for your past life, While you have said you don’t think family therapy wouldn’t help and you couldn’t afford it anyway, I do think maybe some sessions of personal therapy by someone who would support you might help or failing that speak to the Samaritans, or Calm or find an organisation which supports carers which is really what you have become, at least for the time being.

Be kind to yourself as you’re keeping the show on the road and get any support you can. You deserve it. If you feel better in yourself then you’ll be able to support your husband better.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I'm the one with disabilities in our relationship and when I first got poorly, I did really cling to work as a lift-raft as it was the only time I ever felt 'normal' and it didn't matter that my body wasn't working.
I did, however, see a therapist (GP referred me) as mentally dealing with how drastically my life changed was really tough.

You say you have a big garden: could you both perhaps seek building an extension on the back of the house to put in an office?

However, this would be on the understanding that there are 'cut off' hours. It's absolutely not ok for him to leave you completely to everything else. There are definitely things he could do, despite being disabled and parenting/supporting kids with homework/ reading etc is one of them.

Can you talk to him and express that you understand how life has flipped upside down for him but working every hour under the sun isn't working for you as a family. Explore options for an office together and maybe seek a therapist for him to explore how he is managing his new way of life and why he us throwing himself into his work?

I dont know what you think a camping toilet is, its not a bucket that wobbles all over the place, they are cassette toilets which are the same height as a home toilet, which are set square and solid on the ground, which flush and you use paper down them, perfectly useable as I have bowel and bladder issues and this is what we used to use as I wasnt able to get to campsite toilets

However OP says the garden thing is out so its a moot point.

And what has he said when you've had this conversation with him?

I wonder why I haven’t done this, when I’m run ragged doing everything, we’re still reeling and he’s seriously low? Can’t think, bizarre isn’t it?

But I think you do need to have the conversation. There needs to be a compromise. I’d tell him that the living space needs to be a family room eg between 4 and 7. He surely can’t think that he can just have it as a work space wherever he wants to work?

And he needs to be told that while it’s good he can focus on work he is still a parent and he must engage in some ways with his DC.

There is no point at all. Even prior to this if you ever tried to discuss a general issue with DH it was impossible as he’ll just focus on the minutiae of something (so with Tuesday and working until 8 in the evening it would be ‘yeah well I had to do this because this was so important’ rather than taking on board it is a general sort of problem rather than something that’s a one off.

If he is able to work while in pain he can do some things with his DC. He needs to be challenged to think about this.

I am so sorry. it does sound awful,