DH told a lot of people I was SA and I had no idea (TW)

[Anon8761]

Hi all this is just following on from this thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5554153-dh-friends-want-to-discuss-me-i-want-to-be-there-aibu-tw?page=1

Thank you for your support there 💐

I don't know if I'm supposed to summarize the above thread? If so I will try. Sorry.

I don't know if my marriage can actually recover from this and it's confusing as DH is very sorry, right now but won't attend therapy and won't give me a decent apology. Instead he's said he'd cook us steak tonight and I want to throw his stupid pack of steak in his face! Steak isn't going to solve this is it?

I'm in this anger stage.
Past the shock.
Just furious.
Until I panic and think maybe I'm overreacting
Because maybe he did mean well and maybe I should be greatful for him 'protecting me'.... then I swing back to anger.

Can I ask, genuinely, if you were me, would this be marriage ending?

Honestly if your DH was at all a man, he would have taken B aside and given him a bloody good hiding!
And what’s more he should have told the rest of the group that’s exactly what he was going to do, then the misogynistic idiots could have made a choice, stick with your DH or the pervert B.

It shows how weak and self serving your DH is that he wants to regroup with his mates rather than supporting his wife.
He owes you an abject apology.

I would be making plans to take the bastard to the cleaners. As a result of such total disrespect, I couldn't stay.

OP's husband is really lacking in the ability to be insightful and understand how significant the confidence breach was in addition to his friend's appalling behaviour.
He seems like a bit of a frat boy, hasn't grown up, still living life too intimately with his friends and his loyalty to them is apparent. In fact, loyalty to them seems to be greater to the guts than his wife. A steak dinner is not an apology. It's not date night. 🤦‍♀️
I agree with OP that the marriage might be dead. It would be for me due to the betrayal alone. I'd also be looking at dh in a different way based on who his friends have shown themselves to be as dh cannot be much different and has likely just hid a misogynistic side.

Given what we’ve learned in recent years (Gisele Pelicot, online rape academies etc) I think that there are some pretty appalling attitudes to rape among the male population - they either get off on it, think it’s funny, or just don’t care. And I think these attitudes are far more prevalent than we might previously have thought. More and more, we’re seeing that we women need to protect ourselves and each other, because the men sure as fuck won’t help us.

OP, I think you need to discuss your next steps with a therapist, given the absolute mindfuck your husband has just thrown at you. You need time and space to work through this without him telling you what HE wants. Fuck what he wants.

I’d love to know how his mum responded to being told about your trauma. If my son told me his partner had been SAd, my first question would be “Does she know you’re telling me this?”, followed by ripping him a new one if it transpired that he was telling me without partner’s knowledge/consent.

Your husband is the lowest of the low. Firstly he betrayed you. Secondly how he said he was glad his friend was there so he could look out for you. This might sound nice but to me he sees you as weak someone that needs protecting. You were there with your friends you didn’t need to be protected. Thirdly he shouldn’t give a fuck whether his friends are mates with this friend or not. His loyalty is with you that’s it it’s non negotiable. Lastly wake up, don’t facilitate them being able to talk about you. If they want to talk about you and the situation then they will anyway. But I honestly don’t think any of these men are the nice safe people your husband thinks they are including your husband and I would fear your putting yourself in danger by being in any of their presence. Pack his bags, throw him out change the locks. I couldn’t even be in the same room as him. You deserve better.!

So sorry this has happened to you OP.

I think men do not 'get it'.

Ask him this. If he was raped by a male would he want all his friends discussing it.

Every time he told someone he violated you, and every time his friends discussed it was another violation.

I don't think I would ever get over this disrespect.

As for steak - why does he think that will help?

The initial betrayal of telling loads of people would be difficult to get over, but wouldn't necessarily be marriage ending, IF he was mortified that it had made you vulnerable to the attentions of CreepyWeirdoMate, recognised that he'd fucked up incredibly badly, and agreed to go to counselling with you. How he's handled it all has just made things worse, and your anger and upset is absolutely justified. If he's very sorry, why won't he do what's necessary to make things right?

I think the trust has bene broken to badly for a relationship to survive. You wouldn’t be able to be open with him about anything ever again without fearing it would be shared. His “friends” behaviour towards you is also just shocking, he did it because he has zero respect for you or your DH (which your Dh knows, he’s trying to save a friendship with a man who mocked your abuse and who most normal people would find gross). He used your abuse as gossip, to make himself interesting.

I just couldn’t, it would be the end for me.

I’m so sorry. The original thread started appallingly and just got worse. It sounds as if the husband uses this trauma to show off, to attract attention from others and make himself special in some way. It also sounds as if he has no respect for OP’s privacy- what about her other boundaries!? It’s really quite sinister. Given he’s mates with a man who clearly gets off on the idea of SA/rape, and says his other friends were making horrible comments about women, I would worry that that is who he is, too.

@Anon8761 can I just say I am in awe of your strength. I am really sorry you are having to deal with this, but it’s clear that you will deal with it and won’t be broken by it.

Nonsense. She's a stay at home parent. Oh look, you bought the husband's spiel.

Oh OP. 😢YANBU!!

I didn't see you first thread but just read your parts of it. What he has done is awful.

I have a little of a similar experience. I've had a relative do this to me. They've told ALL of our family, their friends, their work colleagues and supervisor, etc. For this person I know it's because everything in their life is all about them. Everything. Even other people's trauma. So they only truly view it through their thoughts and feelings about it and just don't ever naturally consider how other people are feeling. [eyeroll] I know that anyone I bump into that knows this relative, is looking at me knowing the most traumatic, private experience of my life, and probably thinking about it. It's horrible.

I have also had exes do similar, sharing other very private information with their friends and family. Again it's for the same reasons. They are now exes.

I suspect your husband is a similar type of person. It's all about him isn't it. Dickhead.

Would a few therapy sessions purely to talk about this issue on your own be helpful maybe? I know it would be for me, to help me untangle everything and decide how I feel, what I want to do etc.

It's really shitty on top of the already shitty things he's done, to say horrible things about your mental and physical health, work history etc, refuse couple's counselling AND try and go back to business as usual. 😡

I've added the gif, just as some light humour as it's nice and colourful. You are right to be hurt and angry OP. Oh and well done for calling out the friend group.

This is one of those threads where I feel shell shocked on your behalf OP.

How on earth can he think he had any right at all to share this horrific experience with anyone!!! It was absolutely not his story to tell.

I’m so sorry your husband, the man who is supposed to cherish you, turned your horror into his gossip. Ignorant fucker. And then to dismiss and gaslight you into thinking it isn’t an issue.

Appalling. Yes, he’d be gone in my eyes. I’d never get over the betrayal of trust.

Yes in my opinion your marriage has already ended- there has been a serious and fundamental breach of trust on his side that he can't or won't accept it- so you are facing the fact that if you eat the steak and forgive him , it will happen again.He likes telling people about your history , it makes him feel interesting and special-he's not going to stop, he doesn't want to lose you because he can't tell his friends/acquaintances / anyone that will listen about his wife's experiences if you split up- he will still tell people though, I suspect.

Good grief, the more you write the worse it gets!

You are on the wrong trajectory completely. Stop it.

She has. He called her mental, deflected and refused marriage counselling.

It is up to the OP if she decides that this is marriage ending. But the ‘just tell him how you feel’ stage is long gone.

The OP mentions in her original thread that she has PTSD, struggles in certain situations and has flashbacks - these can be helped by trauma therapy but it can also be made worse by it, depending on the knowledge of the therapist - that was really my point (although she doesn't mention it in this post).

Her partner sounds immature and at least a bit as if he is using her trauma for his own advantage in certain circumstances - that's destructive behaviour for her to be dealing with but relationships are complicated and I guess my thinking is that by addressing her own underlying trauma symptoms (since PTSD can be extremely debilitating) and gaining some stability over the PTSD/trauma symptoms, she might be able to address these issues in her relationship with more clarity/in her own way.

But yes, I get that PTSD was not mentioned in this thread so it might seem unconnected.

I posted on the last thread that I'd had a similar experience to that of OP. I was 15 when I was raped by two men - no drugs involved. I was also a victim of child abuse.

I have absolutely refused to allow myself to be defined by this history. It drove my professional ambitions as I was determined I wasn't going to be brought low by those losers. I'm now an academic. They're still losers. OP, you've engaged in therapy, raised a family, and made a fulfiling life for yourself. You're not reducible to your trauma, but given your husband's actions and those of the abhorrent 'B', this must be how you've been left feeling. It's truly despicable.

My husband finds my history uncomfortable even to talk about. In the past this has hurt, especially before my cPTSD was diagnosed and I was living with some of this entirely in my present and unable fully to move on from it. (This is what flashbacks do, in the form I had these). He has, however, supported me through two years of therapy and has tried to listen, although he doesn't necessarily know what to say. The thought that he could define himself in relation to my trauma, share it with friends, tell his mother, his boss, and play the knight in shining armour role to something I have tried valiantly for years to leave behind, would horrify me. Imagine after all these years suddenly discovering your husband was not the man you thought it was - and THIS is who he really is?

My heart breaks for you, OP, but do know that your decision as to what to do about your marriage is yours alone. You'll be in shock. EMDR does help. It's a long, painful process but the best hope for the treatment of trauma. However, this could very well have retraumatised you, and with EMDR you do need to seek further therapy if this happens. You're not under pressure to make any immediate decisions.

Look after yourself first and I hope you're able to seek support from others. You deserve better than this.

💐

The OP's original thread mentions her trauma symptoms but yes I get it, from just reading her more recent post it would appear to be a very bad response but she is free to dismiss it of course.

The suggestion for therapy, here and with some other posters, is not really to get OP to "heal" (as people have pointed out, she isn't looking for advice on that, she's had therapy, she's looking for advice on her husband's terrible behaviour).

It's because these posters are trying to make out that OP would have to be damaged and mentally ill to consider ending her marriage over this, and that if she could cure her insanity, she would of course want to stay married to this guy.

Perhaps she will decide to try to work through it, but she absolutely would not be ill or crazy if she decided not to (it's fucking horrible) and the solution isn't for her to fix herself. I can't tell if they realise how unbelievably offensive and ignorant they're being but it doesn't matter; self aware or not, they're talking dangerous shit.

Nonsense. It has just happened, emotions are raw, and everyone needs to calm down and take a beat before they make life changing decisions (mostly detrimental if the rest of the marriage is fine). He messed up and does not understand how much, so is not taking it seriously. If he loves her, he will come around. Not everything needs to be done with performative outrage. Rather than going off in a strop, take a deep breath and confront the problems in your marriage.

It's been 72hrs plus....
Plus did you read what he said to her????

How long does it take to work it out?

There also comes a point (for me anyway) where its just too late.... if not already closed....The door of forgiveness is rapidly closing due to his total inability to critically reflect on his actions, release the impact and make amends/ reparations.

I really feel you for OP she has her.trust violation and is being horribly let down by this mam.

I apologise it certainly wasn't my intention to suggest - I don't believe for a minute the poster is defective in any way, I think she sounds traumatised. I was just noticing the OP's mentioning her trauma symptoms in the post she links to and trying to be helpful about that. Maybe I got caught up in giving helpful advice rather than listening to what she is asking so you are right to point this out.

I want to tell you how amazing and strong you are. Think about all the opinions people are giving you but give yourself time to sort things out in your own mind. Whether to end the relationship is your choice and yours alone. I hope you can feel the support and care everyone here feels for you.

Are you the OP’s MIL?

How dare you. You should be ashamed of yourself.

OP is a warrior and a survivor. To suggest that the piss-weasel of a husband is her “carer” is beyond insulting.

I assume if you had ever actually been a carer for a disabled, ill or life-limited relative - as I was - then you wouldn’t be spouting such utter bollocks.

Likewise, if you understood what a mutually supportive, loving, healthy marriage looks like then you wouldn’t be typing drivel. It’s not a good look.

And stop suggesting counselling as a way forward - most people these days are aware that counselling is a complete non-starter when one of the parties is abusive in any way. Counselling makes people vulnerable and is a therapeutic ‘safe space’ for people to talk. There is no safe space or safety when your supposed life partner is an emotionally abusive, possibly narcissistic cock-womble.

I commented on your previous post and from the initial post stated for me this would be marriage ending. Your subsequent updates have only re-enforced more strongly my initial reaction. I agree with a previous poster who stated he had violated you again. Twice actually, once by telling everyone and secondly by dismissing your completely appropriate reaction to his behaviour.
So he won’t go to therapy because his marriage is fine? Well, maybe he will understand everything isn’t quite ‘fine’ when he receives his divorce papers!
I’d be starting to separate within the home if he refuses to move out (do you have / can you create a spare room? Otherwise the sofa) and work on how you will manage independently. I’d talk to him about how to manage the separation. My reasoning would be ‘you perpetuated an unforgivable betrayal and cannot even accept you did so, so there is nowhere for this marriage to go. You cannot fix it if you cannot see that you broke it.’. Maybe he will have some sudden Damascene conversation and recognise the magnitude of his betrayal and find a way to save his marriage but personally I could not see a way I could come back from this.
The frustrating thing is you know he will blame it on you being ‘mental’ when actually it is the opposite. It is you being your own person and demanding the respect you deserve because you have not let what happened beat you. I admire you.

Too many men have no idea how the ordeal you went through effects a woman, they think if a woman has a sexual relationship after by choice then it can't have been that bad, they have no concept of how violated and terrified you must have been. Surely, of all people, your DH should understand how deeply this marked you and how strong you've been to overcome the anorexia and get on with your life, you may not have done paid work but you've birthed and raised your DC.
Your DH has treated you like a child Op, he's told everyone, he's portrayed you as weak and unstable. Now, and in my mind, worst of all he thinks he can sweep it all under the carpet, make you dinner, make you a coffee and all forgotten like giving sweets to a child.
So no, I don't think I could forgive, certainly I couldn't forget, all trust would be gone for good