DH told a lot of people I was SA and I had no idea (TW)

[Anon8761]

Hi all this is just following on from this thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5554153-dh-friends-want-to-discuss-me-i-want-to-be-there-aibu-tw?page=1

Thank you for your support there 💐

I don't know if I'm supposed to summarize the above thread? If so I will try. Sorry.

I don't know if my marriage can actually recover from this and it's confusing as DH is very sorry, right now but won't attend therapy and won't give me a decent apology. Instead he's said he'd cook us steak tonight and I want to throw his stupid pack of steak in his face! Steak isn't going to solve this is it?

I'm in this anger stage.
Past the shock.
Just furious.
Until I panic and think maybe I'm overreacting
Because maybe he did mean well and maybe I should be greatful for him 'protecting me'.... then I swing back to anger.

Can I ask, genuinely, if you were me, would this be marriage ending?

Unfortunately you married a weak man. You are not weak though. It’s okay to depise him.

It would end the marriage for me. The betrayal, deceit, lack of remorse and distasteful group of friends would be enough, but worse than that, you will never again be able to reveal something intimate to him without fear of him spreading it far and wide. He's not even prepared to go to couples therapy to try to salvage the marriage. He should be on his knees begging forgiveness and booking the counselling himself. Instead, he's lied about the lies, told you you are mental, and plans to put things right by cooking a steak. I'm truly sorry OP, you are both so far apart I don't see how this rift can ever be healed. 💐

By every possible imaginable reasoning, what he did is unforgiveable, OP.

He has taken your trauma and pain and used it for sympathy for himself.

All without a second's thought to what people knowing would do to you.

His hideous selfishness, self-centred actions and blatant disrespect of you cannot and SHOULD NOT be overlooked.

He doesn't want to work on things - he wants YOU to just get over it.

Well, FUCK THAT and FUCK HIM.

At the very least, he needs to be sent these threads.

I'm guessing he won't like strangers talking about him, even though he allowed people you knew to talk about you!

Absolute arsehole of a man.

I really think you should change the locks and put him out while he's at work.

I'm sure his Mother will take him in!

I think it’s very difficult for anyone who has not suffered the trauma that you have suffered to opine on whether your husband’s behaviour here is marriage ending. I have found it shocking and wrong, and feel intense sympathy towards you.

As a general matter, I think it is better to wait and see how you feel, rather than let one piece of bad behaviour end a marriage (with exceptions for infidelity or crime.) I think ending the marriage is an option to be considered over the coming months, depending on your husbands behaviour going forward, rather than a decision to be made now.

It would be over yes
I'm so sorry

I'm sorry OP. I read your original post but haven't caught up with it all. They way his 'friend' treated you, if this was my husbands friend he would have or threatened to kick the shit out of them. I know that's not the answer I'm not saying he would but he would want to even though he's a placid man. I was married previously, not at all related to what you are going through, but there comes a point when you're not being respected or feeling safe (not physically but mentally) and your brain and body makes the choice for you. Something dies and you realise you just can't be with that person anymore. Like the biggest ick of your life. My now husband would never tell any of my secrets never mind one like yours and he is the love of my life. I'm not suggesting you should leave your husband, that choice should always be yours but please do what is right for yourself in the long term of your life. There is always life after divorce. You sound strong and you deserve to be happy and respected. Most men will never understand how vulnerable it feels to be a woman. A horrible, inhumane ordeal for you has been gossiped about and it has opened wounds for you. Stay strong ❤️

Would be marriage ending for me, if he’d discussed with a therapist or one very close friend because he was struggling with what happened to you it could be worked through but the cunts told every man and his dog it’s absolutely vile! I’m so sorry op!

This
Wouldn't trust him or this group with the things we've recently learned about how many men are in vile text groups and o horrific websites I wouldn't trust a single one of them

I may be way off base, but I'd be starting to wonder if he's actually titillated by all of this. Obviously B is, and that's apparently OK and normal and excusable to your husband and his friend group.

This is my take away too, from reading the first thread. Without trying to use inappropriate words and make things worse what he's done just isn't normal, it really isn't. And his reaction now is just as bad, calling you mental??

If I could I'd give you a great big (consensual!) hug OP because you've shown such huge courage and strength to get to this point in your life and now it turns out your DH is absolutely not the man you thought he was.

To answer your specific question, yes it would be the end for me. What he's done isn't right, fair, appropriate, or in any way positive. It is another violation of you and that is just appalling.

I really, really wish I could say something to make this even a bit better but it just sucks, 100% and I'm so, so sorry. 💐

there comes a point when …… your brain and body makes the choice for you. Something dies and you realise you just can't be with that person anymore

Spot on @Idontcareboutthestateofmyhair .

OP If your feelings of love and your bond with him have been destroyed by what he’s done, you’ll know, and the relationship is over. If you don’t feel that way, if you still want to be with him, there’s a lot of work to be done on the marriage. Unfortunately at the moment he’s showing that he doesn’t want to do that work. He’ll need to come to his senses if he wants to stay married.

I wondered about this too. He seems to have enjoyed sharing the details of your trauma widely. It’s extremely unsettling.

It’s over. Beyond the gross violation of trust, everything screams that he has absolutely no idea just what being raped means to a person - to you - his wife. Whom he should really know. I also think B was getting off on discussing your trauma with you in various ways. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had some dark fantasies

Hi @Anon8761 .

I'm so sorry for the rape you suffered as a teenager.
I have also experienced sexual assault on several occasions, (thankfully never rape). Sadly, most of the women I know have.
So I understand some of the feelings involved here.

I can imagine the incident with B in the bar was incredibly triggering, as well as constituting another assault in itself.

And everything that has happened since then is like one blow after another, hitting you when you're down.

One thing that occurred to me - DH has admitted telling a number of people, in various spheres of his life : work, mates, family (your MiL).
The horrifying thing is that all of them WILL have told other people - it's just what people do.
So you have no idea how many people now know about it, or who they are.

It's a bit like nude photos or videos being posted online - they're out there forever, and the victim will never know who has seen them. And can't retrieve them.

I can imagine you feeling totally 'exposed' by your husband's actions.
And it was completely unnecessary for him to tell anyone! I'm sure his boss would have given him time off if he said there was a family emergency he had to deal with. Absolutely didn't need to disclose to the boss details of your rape. That's just him desperately trying to find an excuse to mitigate what he's done.

I would take some time to think things over. Ask him again to please give you some space, and stay away for a few days/a week.
Consider whether you can trust him again.
And make your decision.

Good luck, OP. 💐

There is no way I could trust him with my heart or body now, so yes, it would be marriage ending.

Leave the utter bastard @Anon8761 and take him for everything he has. You deserve compensation for his betrayal and trying to sweep it under the rug for his own benefit. In fact all of this has been for his own benefit, telling his boss, getting sympathy, getting off work, getting ‘good guy’ points. Everything. Utter bastard. E

I’m sorry op. I am horrified by your husbands behaviour. It was not his story to tell. If he had to tell people for any reason he should have told you. It sounds like he thrives on drama but the only drama that has been caused is by him.

Me too. I am shocked at his response. Totally inadequate.

It would be for me. It's not just the fact that he seems to have told every fucker he knows about it so now you have no idea who knows, and is possibly talking about, something only YOU have the right to disclose. It's also the fact that his mates seem to think that rape is no big deal, think its funny (the jokes they were making), or get off on it (B). There is something very, very wrong about that friendship group that your husband is right in the heart of. I wouldn't trust him now as far as I could throw him, or have any of his shit bag mates cross my threshold again.

Only you know, OP, and my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine what you are going through tonight. x

OP you should know that mumsnetters think everything is marriage-ending and you should LTB.

If you love your husband, talk to him and explain how you feel and that he needs to take it seriously. Get couples counselling. This is something that can be worked through and even if he is reluctant now, if he loves you he will see that he needs to listen and step up eventually.

Everything about this is bad. For whatever reason, he has disclosed your private trauma in what seems to be a dreadfully cavalier way for his own agenda (whatever that is), and then instead of apologising with awareness of why his actions were so massively inappropriate and cutting off his nasty friends, he is doubling down.

The name-calling combined with the work comment, is he resentful of you not working do you think? I wonder why that was a part of his defensiveness.

This would be marriage ending for me personally. You will never be able to trust him again or look at him in the same way. I'm so sorry for the tremendous shock this must be.

There’s no coming back from what he’s done. He used your trauma as a means for people to cut him some slack or see him as an associated victim or some bullshit. You’re done.

If you otherwise love him, have children together and this is the first time anything like this has happened, I would personally hold the line on therapy and make it really clear by explicitly telling him that if he doesn't do this you're gone. He is trying to avoid what he has done. The fact that he was willing to have a meeting with friends to talk about you is disgusting and I certainly hope that idea bas been binned.

If you don't have children with him, just bail.

If you can go and stay with family or friends for a week and give him some time to think.

I am not defending the OPs husband but if the OP has truly not been able to work AT ALL apart from 3 months by the sounds of it from the trauma then he is in fact carrying a heavy load of care and is in fact her carer. This couple desperately needs marriage counselling so the dynamic can be worked through .

Some men deserve to live all alone, by themselves. That’s the most decent thing I can say without being rude.

He 100% violated your trust. There’s no way I could forgive that. So many men, I’m finding more and more, are irredeemably stupid.