DH told a lot of people I was SA and I had no idea (TW)

[Anon8761]

Hi all this is just following on from this thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5554153-dh-friends-want-to-discuss-me-i-want-to-be-there-aibu-tw?page=1

Thank you for your support there 💐

I don't know if I'm supposed to summarize the above thread? If so I will try. Sorry.

I don't know if my marriage can actually recover from this and it's confusing as DH is very sorry, right now but won't attend therapy and won't give me a decent apology. Instead he's said he'd cook us steak tonight and I want to throw his stupid pack of steak in his face! Steak isn't going to solve this is it?

I'm in this anger stage.
Past the shock.
Just furious.
Until I panic and think maybe I'm overreacting
Because maybe he did mean well and maybe I should be greatful for him 'protecting me'.... then I swing back to anger.

Can I ask, genuinely, if you were me, would this be marriage ending?

The OP has had extensive therapy to deal with what happened to her. This is not about that.

Her 'D'H has told umpteen people about an extremely sensitive and traumatic part of her life, without her knowledge or permission. He has then lied about how many people he has told, when he told them, and his reasons for doing so. He has then called the OP 'mental' for being upset, implied she is making a fuss about nothing, and instead of giving her the space she has asked for, he is trying to love bomb her.

That is not a small thing.

I'd wait at least a couple of weeks to let my temper cool, but yes, I think this would be marriage ending for me.

I could forgive a lot if given a real, heartfelt apology but your DH has doubled down and minimised everything. Since he won't engage in couples counselling then clearly the marriage isn't important enough for him to actually put any work in.

I'm so sorry, OP. I wish this weren't happening, you deserve so much better.

Her husband is the absolute arsehole.

To me this is one of thsoe situations where I could potentially forgive the crime but not the reaction to it. What he did was not ok in anyway, but his reaction to all of this is so cold.

I’m so sorry, OP. For what was done to you at 17 and for what you’re going through right now.

I think that, yes, it would be marriage ending. For your husband to have told practically everyone he knows and for his dismissal of your feelings now, then calling you derogatory names. I could never forgive that. He’s crossed the line.

Sending you a big hug. We’re here to support you. X

Right?
The smallest thing! Come on. Rape is as big a trauma as can be. to then gaslight her, blame her, squeeze time of work off it etc. How big can it get. And refusing counselling where he coul het a nanodot of understanding of why op is upset. No. This is far from small . Vile husband with vile friends

I think you’re absolutely marvelous op. You’ve shown such tremendous strength amid so much abysmal behaviour.

I don’t think you need to make any decision right now but I think you owe yourself space to reflect and just be. Only you can determine if this is forgivable to you and what actions need to be made to remedy this. This is your story and you can and will reclaim it.

I'm not sure if it would be marriage ending, it would depend to what extent you believe he genuinely was telling people for support for himself/ his boss in case he needed to leave early etc. Rather than just gossiping (has he ver had to leave early to give you support in an emergency? Sounds unlikely)

What would be marriage ending though for me is if I found out something that shook my belief in my husband and my marriage and had the potential to wreck it all...and I told my husband that this was so huge that I thought we'd need counselling to get through it together, and he said 'nah, we're fine, we don't need it' and he didn't put any effort into resolving a situation that he created (in a way that meant something to me, which wouldn't be steak).

If you've upset someone to the extent they were thinking of ending the relationship, I'd suggest most people that truly loved someone would be doing anything and everything they could to fix the damage even if tit was something that made then uncomfortable

Have just read the whole of your other thread and I’m in awe of you. Your strength and positivity is amazing.

I can’t even imagine how it must feel to have been through something so horrific and have the person who you trust the most give that information away to other people without your knowledge.

It’s your story to tell and no one else’s.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and that you are now going through this awful time thanks to your husband. He is the person who you should be able to feel safest with and he has broken your trust repeatedly.

If he was worried about needing to leave work early, surely an illness or accident would suffice. If he was worried about MIL needing to know, then again he could have made something up or said you have anxiety. If he’s worried about his friends making crude jokes around you, be a decent man and correct them regardless as who wants gross friends like that anyway.

It almost feels as though he’s enjoyed ‘gossiping’ about it for him to have felt the need to tell sooo many people. It’s a complete betrayal and violation and would make me reconsider my relationship.

Has he apologised for calling you mental yet?

I read your other thread and I can see why leaving is on your mind. Telling his friends was a huge betrayal and his actions since compound both the feelings of violation and harm he's done to you. He doesn't seem at all interested in making it right, only in having you "get over it".

I would not make any hasty decisions, because you may feel differently in a few weeks. But I'd start putting things in place. Get documentation together. Find a solicitor you trust and see where you'd stand. Look at housing options. Consider logistics. Talk to friends and family about it (if you feel able to). Maybe get a few sessions with a counselor on your own to discuss things.

When you have an idea of what it will be like you and you've had time to sit with how he's treated you, youcan make a go/no go decision.

He's probably defending his walking red flag of a mate

Is your DH claiming disability benefits? If so, can you get help using that money?

Can the local authority help with adaptations? It's not ideal to have him in the lounge, I'd look to make a bedroom a new lounge for you and the kids.

Your DH not behaving normally isn't a surprise, he may be angry and is probably just surviving at the moment.

You need some help adjusting to what has happened. Can you get access to family counselling? Ask your GP to refer you or use any employee support you might have for this. You need to talk to your DH about it all. It's not his fault, so don't make it out to be. You're all survivors of a horrible situation 😘

@Booboobagins wrong thread

Aside from the horror of the fact he used your trauma like a show and tell. The bigger issue here for him (initially anyway) has been the back and forth about the saving of the friendship group and whether or not you should/could be party to those conversations.

His concern is focused in the entirely wrong area. The refusal to engage in therapy to help process this is a massive deal. He basically wants to brush it under the rug.

Honestly, this is a man who professes to love you, but his actions aren’t loving, if he is unable to hold his hands up and admit the extent of the fault and pain he caused, and also look at his friendship group and address the problematic dynamics it seems to have. (They have far too much to say given the circumstances and what happened here - you making them uncomfortable is farcical) then honestly I don’t know what he’s bringing to the table,

You aren’t his priority, he is his priority.

Yes, this would absolutely end my marriage OP. I cannot get my head around your husband telling everybody he knows (his boss FFS!) about what happened to you. That is awful.

You got together when you were vulnerable and to be honest it sounds like he has enjoyed putting you in the box of a victim needing him so that he can play the knight in shining armour. None of this was for your benefit-it was all for his. And the fact that he is now calling you names and is not even sorry says it all.

The fact he thinks cooking a steak makes everything ok?! That's speaks volumes about who he is.

Your DH and his friends’ apparent obsession with your traumatic experience is really weird. I haven’t read all PPs but what if he’d had issues with erectile dysfunction whilst you were trying for a pregnancy and you’d spoken to all your friends about it and your boss or the kids’ teacher ‘in case you needed to be there for him’? What if he’d met your friend in a bar and they’d questioned and questioned him about his issue and what was it like for him trying to get it up, could he still enjoy sex with you knowing he was failing to get you pregnant? How would he feel about that? Maybe he would understand then how you feel?

The fact B was obviously getting off on asking if you enjoyed sex more is deeply disturbing id be wondering if the husband gets off on telling people too, IM outraged on your behalf, not all me but ALWAYS men.

Ive only just read this and the last post and i can only emphasise with how violated you must feel, the fact he has felt the need to share this means he has no control on his ability to keep his mouth shut. it is not his decision to make and if he said would you mind if I tell my boss because of, you would have had that control but he has broken that trust. Sorry it’s a hard no for me and you have been amazing standing up and ensuring he knows, but his failure to take accountability is appalling. Sorry xx

Yes it would, the very least he could have done is shut down this nonsense with his friends and have your back. Instead he’s doubled down.

I have read all your comments OP. I have a medical condition which - whilst thankfully not life threatening- is very personal and not something I discuss unless I know you very well. I was staying with my MIL when having a bad attack and so had to tell her what was going on. Found out later she had told her best friend all the details. This is nowhere near the level of trust that has been broken for you. I know how angry I was and can only imagine the white hot anger you must be feeling. Legitimately in my view. The fact your DH is unable to see your pain must add to that anger. My DH at least understood my feelings. I would find it difficult to see the long term picture with my husband in this situation.

Not in a million years would that man still be in my house. I’m so sorry for you.

I think your marriage is salvageable, but only if your DH agrees to go to couples therapy. You’ve had a major failure of communication (not blaming you!) and couples therapy will help you work through it.

If DH tries to say you don’t need couples therapy because you’re fine, tell him in words of one syllable that you (singular and plural) are absolutely not fine, and attending couples therapy is the least he could do to make up for telling everyone he knows your private business.

I’d probably try to park all the crap with his mates though. Just focus on your marriage.