Boyfriend strange with money

[Midfortiescamb]

My boyfriend is confusing me. Been together about 1.5 years, both 47, divorced. I have three kids, shared custody, he has two who are 15 and 12 and he sees every other weekend. He's lovely with my kids and easy to be around, bit over chatty but fine. He's generally kind and patient and has gotten over pushing us to live together which was driven by the fact that he hates paying rent but has now put an offer in on buying his own house. There's a money issue though and I've tried to be fair and patient...on our first date he didn't take his card out to pay, so I did and he later said he liked that I didn't expect him to pay (I didn't tbh but told myself why should the man pay). He paid for our second date in a simple Vietnamese place but I could feel his tension shuffling his cards choosing which one. But he was sweet so we carried on. Our first road trip he drove so I offered petrol money, he accepted and from then on it was clear I'd pay half for petrol. Meals were always split. I spoiled him as I like to on his bday in a lovely restaurant and gifts etc. On my bday he got me a pair of earrings on sale on Etsy which were pretty and took me to a restaurant but tensely said 'is this the kind of place you get starters' so I obviously said no need and only got a cheap main. He told me the other part of my gift was he'd take me for a hike and I wouldn't have to pay half for petrol. He cried a bit the next morning after I was honest after he asked me were the gifts not good and I gently said that petrol thing wasn't really normal. A few weeks later when he said he wanted to see me so would go to his fave Chinese on the way and bring it to mine without offering to get me some I calmly told him I'm struggling with this constant splitting of things, he should trust that I'm not after his money and I took him out to celebrate his new job etc. I am a generous person. To make up for the bday he bought me flowers but mentioned how they're good value in Morrissons, where they were from. Fast forward to this bday coming up in two weeks...I was honestly so nervous about him spoiling it so I booked myself a cottage in Wales for a couple of days and it hurt him but I told him to please not take it personally. My ex husband upset me on my bdays and I could do with a couple of days to myself but really, I know boyfriend isn't good at romance and I couldn't face another awkward meal. Anyway, twice over the last few weeks he has mentioned how he budgeted for my present (a hot water bottle) last month so this month he's budgeting for the meal. He earns £50k and only gives his ex wife the amount the child support calculator asks of him which is around £200 ish per month, he says because she gets children's allowance: not my business but I do think kids cost more and his daughter is autistic so needs therapy. Anyway, he then asked whether I want to go to the restaurants i took him to on my bday, I said, please - you choose. He said 'I'll just take you to the one you took me to'. I said to him, my love, please can we just not do bdays, anniversaries, Xmas (he got me a five pack of socks)...let's free ourselves, there's something awkward/tense with money and its making me uncomfortable, feeling like work/burden. He got very upset and said he couldn't feel more hurt or empty and is now not really talking to me! Its been 2 days. I told him he'd never expressed any kind of excitement about my bday and I just don't want this heaviness. There are just so many money orientated odd things...like he bought me pink salt and I said it was lovely and he said '£1'. I know his ex wife said he was controlling about money but he said she expected him to be the bread winner and was financially abusive: obviously I don't know the full story. It all just feels so awkward and I don't like how he's gone cold. Otherwise he's very affectionate and sweet....not selfish in bed but a bit predictable. Anyway....thoughts?

"But I like you"
(That was your Dick Emery impression wasn't it?)

"Being tight with money isn’t just a personality quirk, it’s a lack of generosity that invades every aspect of a relationship. Begrudging every penny you spend is the mark of a shrivelled heart, counting the cost of everything and understanding the value of nothing."

This is so true, I love buying random stuff I come across for my kids/family, "just because" I saw it & knew it would make them happy.
My H is a miser, it's part of his make up, seeing his reaction, makes me recoil, just realising he indeed has a miserable shrunken heart.

I'm 45 and honestly I don't know how you are doing this at 47. You must have the patience of a saint and the kind of kindness and caring only seen in Disney Princesses because I would of told him were to shove his socks and his hot water bottle.

There should not be this much back and forth about meals and petrol. Him not trying to pay on your first date should of been the point you deleted his number and left him to it.

Honestly, scale it back and break it off. He sounds like he enjoys seeing how much he can get out of you and that sweetness is a mask so you feel guilty about even questioning it.

the words F* and NO come to mind. They aren't married. DO NOT EVER get involved in credit agreements with someone you aren't married to and even then I would seriously caution against a credit card as joint debt.

Ewww I’d get the ick. This is no way to live life.

I really do. And you know what, he had bad erectile dysfunction for our first six months due to years of sexual rejection from his wife and I was so compassionate and helped him get back to great function. Asshole!!!!

Is he Paul the wine guy from friends?
It's a line!

He's a wannabe cocklodger. If he'd moved in with you like he wanted he'd have been like this about every little thing.
My ex had a spreadsheet to make sure shopping costs were "fairly" shared out so he'd take the receipts and tot up in columns what was joint food, his food and my food. He didn't like raspberries so if they appeared on the receipt they went in my column and so on. Of course he always tried to work it to his advantage so when I was away for a week he bought a lot of expensive cheeses and other treats and then put all of that in the joint column on the spreadsheet because they were "essentials" that we both ate. Except I wasn't even there. So I said he could either take them off the joint column or we'd also add all the meals I'd eaten while I was away too. He took the stuff he'd bought off the joint column but very reluctantly.
In the winter when my cats liked to sleep on the radiators he wanted me to pay more than 50% of the heating because my cats were getting more of the benefit of the heating and he didn't see why he should pay for the heating the cats were using.
He was a cocklodger. Didn't want to work (that's another story). Took me a while to realize how bad he was and I also made excuses for him like it might have been his upbringing, he'd been (supposedly) taken advantage of in a previous relationship financially.
OP don't make any excuses for him or try to be sympathetic about possible reasons why he is like this. Just bin him off because it will only get worse as time goes on.
Wait until his house sale falls through and suddenly he's homeless and he needs to move in with you, just for a few weeks until he gets back on his feet. Do not fall for that shit because the next thing is, once he's in, there will be an "employment emergency" where he loses his job, or has to quit for stress or some other reason and then you'll have a fully-blown cocklodger living with you.

He's a tight-arse ! And I'll warn you that if he is tight like that now he'll be ten times worse should you marry him .

He was either born like it or he's been done over in the past and the anger and bitterness has stopped with him . Either way it's not your fault and you need to ask yourself if you want to be someone like that.

Great post

This is exactly what I thought too.

He does sound like he really doesn't know how to act in situations where you're sharing things and he wants to be seen as "fair".

I think sometimes what your childhood was like shape how you are with money. I was the same, anything over a pound was a considered purchase. You can get better, i have, its just hard when its so ingrained.

Oh my! This man sounds so like my very first boyfriend. Truly difficult to get him to go to the cinema coffee bar etc, always had to be walks or sitting at home. Come my first birthday to celebrate with him my mum knew it would be difficult for him to choose so she showed him a pretty Cleopatra necklace, inexpensive but looked gorgeous and he bought it and I loved it. Many years on we were in contact again through a mutual friend and in his 70s he’s still tight with money, really tight and guess what he remembered buying my 16th birthday Cleopatra necklace and how much it cost!!

Ooofe, no. In the bin with him.

My Dad was careful with money as we had very little but he was careful to spend money on us kids appropriately. He was always walking a fine line but now, as an adult, I can see what he was up against.

This is being tight for tightness sake and in addition, he doesn't seem to care about you as a person @Midfortiescamb so being a dick with money isn't his only failing.

Get him gone and get back out there. POF in the sea.

Kindly OP, but your use of the words "strange with money" is worrying.

You have already been in an abusive relationship.

Language is so important in how we speak to ourselves and how we describe our reality.

He's not strange with money, he is extremely mean.

Whatever diagnosis anyone gives him, it doesn't change the facts.

He is extremely mean.

Paying for the first date should have been enough for you.

ED for six months because his wife who divorced him wouldn't let her near him?
What a red flag.

He's not someone you should want around you at all.

So much better to be alone than to allow your life and that of your children to be tainted by a man who is solely focused on his needs.

Wanting to move in with you quickly to save money?
Could he be any clearer?
The cying is so 🤢 and manipulative.
I would get rid of him asap.

Read Women who love too much. By Robin Norwood.

He's tighter than a gnat's arse. People like that can only be in relationships with other people who relish not spending any money and living like paupers. He's not for you. Throw this one back.

i think the fact that you have to ask here says it all
he is controlling
one's attitude to money says so much about a person
you have kids so don't need more- so find someone nicer

Agree with this ^ wholeheartedly
He is not strange with money
Hes a nasty mean man
You deserve way more ❤️

Do not, whatever you do, marry or get a mortgage or joint account with this man.

I think there are a few different things to unpick here.

Yes, he sounds mean- not just to you but also to his children.

It also sounds as if there may be some things underlying this (possible neurodivergence, maybe lack of money growing up, money being a factor in the breakdown of his marriage) and the fact that he got upset when you explained that the petrol thing wasn't normal perhaps supports that. It feels from your posts almost as if he takes any expectation of spending money almost as an attack- money as a bulwark against vulnerability.

But none of that means you need to put up with it. Everyone has flaws and everyone's flaws can be traced back to something, whether nature or nurture. So the question isn't whether he has an excuse for his meanness but whether it's something you are willing to live with, taking his good and bad qualities in the round. Given that it has already been a factor in the end of his marriage, I doubt very much that it's something he is able to change.

You have a buggage that any man would run away from, but I like the fact that you sound generous. You are a bit comparing him to your exes, and maybe that's what shuts him off. Not good at romance and mean with cash. What else, lousy sex, so what are the two of you thinking you are doing

@Midfortiescamb You both have issues of a different nature.

Either he has some form of neurodivergence with emotional dysregulation, which is affecting him physically as well and emotionally or he has what my gran called "meanness of spirit". I suspect it's first one.

Hot water bottles and socks are not the stuff of romance they are gifts you give your old granny when you have explored every other viable option and you do so with a sense of defeat, unless they have been asked for. Grandad always said you could ever have enough socks type thing! Again this is someone who lacks imagination/romance or is simply tight fisted and people who are tight fisted do not gift things that are of no use to the user, they regift or no gift.

Where you go next with this depends on how you feel about this guy. I will say he sounds like my brother who is autistic. He does not understand romance, gifts are practical, finances are practical and accounted for to the umpth degree. He does not intend offence and cannot comprehend that any would be taken. My brother was diagnosed late in life, we all knew he was different but in the 80's stuff like this did not get picked up.

Others have asked this question and it has to be said, that there is a concern that you have allowed yourself to be treated like this for some time, it shows a lack of self worth. Or, and here is the rub, you are very empathetic and can see the positives in this man and at some level do not see it as mean spiritedness, but some form of inbuilt difference that he himself does not see and is actually quite self destructive and maybe you can make a difference.

You need to decide if you want to take on a project who can be helped, if he wants to be helped because whilst he could have been financially abused in the past, that maybe his neurodivergent nature speaking and he has yet to face up to it. My experience is that they need to reach the decision by themselves and that is sometimes as a result of a major challenge, do you want to be that challenge. Is he worth it to you.

Personally from what you have said, I would walk away because you need to do some work on your self worth and there are kids involved.

But only you know, what you see in this guy.

'In the winter when my cats liked to sleep on the radiators he wanted me to pay more than 50% of the heating because my cats were getting more of the benefit of the heating and he didn't see why he should pay for the heating the cats were using'.

That is probably the worst I've ever heard and I've known some tight arses. That's a new level of mean. Bet you feelt a weight lifted when he was binned off.

Not sure if I missed this - I see he pays minimum child support BUT OP are you sure he's not being tight just REALLY in massive debt.

i.e. Can't afford to pay his rent/mortgage, missed payments, about to get his car repossesed. That would explain it.

And £50K is not really a huge salary either.

Then again, he might have loads saved and just be a tighta@se which would be bad as everyone says.

He's autistic. Obviously this has already enraged the MN man-hating autism police because how dare I diagnose a man when he is clearly better off labelled as a financially abusive arsehole. But shocker, he can actually be BOTH. More proof being that his daughter is diagnosed ASD and he wasn't able to hold down a long term relationship.

Being bad at romantic gestures and thinking extremely literally are very common in ND men. Literal thinking often manifests as financial stinginess because it involves making decisions based on numbers and what makes mathematical sense rather than what emotionally feels right.

For instance, lending someone £1 and then asking for it back makes perfect sense on a literal level. Or paying exactly the amount needed as mandated by the court document. However in real life, a lot of money etiquette is determined by emotional and social rules which autistic people have problems understanding. Asking someone for £1 back is considered very rude. Voluntarily paying more child support (or just money that goes to the child) is considered totally normal if the man is the higher earner.

A lot of autistic men do tend to be stingy with money even if they understand social rules and cues. It could be down to a sense of justice where they dislike the idea of something they worked hard for to be "taken away" from them for no reason. Just anecdotally, ASD men tend to like spreadsheets, budgeting, numbers and having an exactly overview over their finances. ADHD men tend to be very impulsive, more generous and have poor grasp of their finances. AuDHD men tend to swing wildly between both...they may be very tight when it comes to setting up a standing order for their family but wildly impulsive when faced with a shopping decision in a store.

that is just nuts.... I never understand how couples can split money like this. Surely its all in one pot.....

I've pretty much ALWAYS earned loads more than my wife. Not just a little bit like taking home 2.5/3 times more. What do people do - split the bills then watch partner run out of money and you stick £1000s in savings? Sorry thats just nuts.

What about when the wife has kids and has to work less? Do they still do it? (If I was a wife in this situation I'd be charging for childcare at a premium rate lol)

Oh wow, go you, the professionals would be hugely delighted at your ability to diagnose a person with autism with limited knowledge from a chat forum. I suggest you write to ghe general medical council and explain there is no need for all their fancy diagnostic methods, you’ve got it nailed. And can do it in seconds from a few scant details on a chat forum.