Should I tell my ex my fertility test results after our split?

[ThatCuteGirl]

The thing that just sucks about this whole thing is it wasn't a case of "He wants kids and I don't" or "He wants kids and I can't have them."

So the reason for our breakup….was a difference in opinion (in his mind) on kids. Bear in mind this was something we had talked about all along, and we were always on the same page. It was always..."If it happens, it happens. And hopefully, it does. If it doesn't, we will explore the other options." Like I said, we were both in agreement. Up until the last month or so. I guess his thoughts on the matter had shifted, which is fair…totally his right.

The thing is….we were still mostly on the same page….I was just taking a much more pragmatic approach of…Let's take things one thing/kid at a time, type of thing. His desires for kids had become very, very specific. he wanted 2, preferably 3 kids….biological kids. He wasn't really (and he had never told me this before) a fan of surrogacy. He wanted to have kids the old-fashioned way, essentially.

To be fair, I didn't help. I always approached our conversations from a very "prepare for the worst" place. I always said there is a chance I can't have kids. It was never, "Oh I can't wait to have kids with you!" It was…"I hope so, but we'll see…." It was a self-defense mechanism. Or not wanting to get his hopes up if I can't deliver. During the breakup, he made it clear that my hesitancy and lack of enthusiasm played a part.

So, he had sort of done the math, and knew how long it had taken his Mom to have 3 kids, and knew his Mom had a hysterectomy at a certain age, and ultimately, told me he thought he needed to look for someone younger. He said he still loved me, and he always thought he was going to marry me. But…he didn't want to have regrets 5, 10 years from now. And that was that.

Now, I never shared our conversations with anyone, I always kept them between us, and now I am kind of wishing I hadn't. Because after the fact I talked to several people, including my sister who is a labor and delivery nurse, and they kind of…acted like I was silly to assume the worst. They feel like I jumped the gun by jumping to fertility issues and alternatives. Don't get me wrong…they think he is silly too, to put a number on things. For all he knows, he might have trouble. He isn't young. Or if he does meet a younger woman…maybe she has trouble. Or maybe after 1, she decides she doesn't want anymore. There's just no guarantee, with anyone.

But like I said…my sister is a labor and delivery nurse, so her opinion mattered the most, both professionally and as my sister. She asked me if there was any reason to believe that I cannot have kids. Any concrete reason. No. Basically what she said….the long and short of it….was that we had these conversations based on a lot of assumptions and virtually no actual data. She said that moms and first time moms my age were a regular occurrence. I wouldn't be some miracle exception…women like me are the new normal, essentially. And she urged me to get tested, not for him, but for my own peace of mind.

So I did. And the numbers aren't good…..they are great. Exceptional. My doctor said if she saw these numbers in a woman several years younger than me, she would still think they are good numbers. So for me….they are excellent. It's very bittersweet because I feel like if I had had these conversations with my loved ones and knew the numbers….I feel like those kid talks with him would have gone very differently. I would have been able to have them with enthusiasm and excitement. Because I did want kids with him. I did want a family with him. Anytime he mentioned our future kids, I would tense up, because...like I said before, I feared that I wouldn't be able to do it. But, inside, in my heart, I was so emotional at the thought of it.

I feel like I should tell him. But...I also feel like...he's made his decision and it may not make a difference anyway. My age is still my age, and on average, a younger woman would be a safer bet than an older woman. But...it's also not a complete shot in the dark anymore. By all we know now, the doctor feels like I should be able to have kids naturally, with vitamins and timing. But...he didn't choose me. He didn't choose me the way I would have chosen him if the roles were reversed. At the same time, it's hard for me to be angry at him for his reasoning.

Why. On. Earth. Would. You. Communicate. With.. Someone . Who . Jettisoned.. You. ?

This is a gift...he showed you how much he loved you and how hard he will fight in a difficult situation.. you were replaceable.

Move on...let go ...find better

I haven’t read the full thread, but I agree with those saying that this man’s not for you. If you genuinely want a child, I’d consider creating embryos via sperm doner and going it alone. However, if you really love this man and think you’re always going to be wondering ‘what if’, I’d contact him, tell him the results of your tests (with the proviso that you’re honest about how little they can tell you about the chances of two forty-somethings creating viable embryos and carrying one/more to term), state clearly what you’d like (to start IVF/to start TTC ‘naturally’ but ‘wholeheartedly’ (eg fertility tracking, ovulation tests etc) or to leave things to ‘god’s plan’/chance as you were -or even just asking whether he’d consider becoming a sperm doner, though you’d be better off asking a younger man if you want to know the doner) and see what he says. Then you can move forward in whatever direction you wish, with no regrets.

If you want to get back with him, tell him. See where it goes.

Gently I think at 42 waiting for engagement and then marriage is wasting your time. You could have started trying and if you fell pregnant gone to the register office to make it legal and had a big wedding at a later date.

Time is not on your side which is sad when you reach this age as often you have to make decisions on people quicker than you would like. My best friend met her partner at 41 and started trying within months. She fell pregnant with a bit of fertility intervention 2 years later. They broke up not long after. She said he probably wouldn’t have been the man she picked had she been younger and had all of the time in the world, but she didn’t and she’s glad she picked him because he’s a good Dad.

I’m not sure what good telling him you’re fertile is because you don’t know the quality of your eggs, chances of miscarriage and also conception are unfortunately still high. Obviously it is possible and we all know people I’m sure who have accidentally gotten pregnant in their 40’s but they are an exception to the rule. I would only tell him if you are wanting to get back together and start trying straight away.

If the sexes were reversed and you were a woman saying “I’m 42 and desperately want children and my boyfriend is saying he’ll leave it to God and won’t actively try”, she’d be told to leave him because he’s wasting her chance at motherhood.

That’s what you’re doing with this man- stringing him along. Sure, men can makes babies later into their lives than women, but given your age, having multiple children, if any, wouldn’t have been a likely option.

Just leave him alone to get on with his life, and to find someone who wants the same things as he does. And don’t go dangling your (presumed) fertility in his face- what do you even hope to achieve with that?

I would say leave him he and have a child on your own if you want one. From ' oh what will he will be' to ' I want 3 biological kids without any help' sounds like he's using it as an excuse to dump you because he has his eye on or thinks he can meet someone younger. Let it go.

That by the pool part ...sounds like future faking

With respect, your communication style is anything but clear.

Lots of double negatives, presumptions and negative talk without a clear plan and chat about the next step is not communicating effectively what you actually say you want. Which is children.

So he left.

All this 'leaving it to god' is a bit of an excuse tbh.

It sounds like he wanted an incubator ultimately so I think you’ve had a narrow escape. I don’t think your fertility is any of his business. If you really want a child then go it alone with a donor.

Maybe your hesitance OP was your instincts telling you he was unreliable...big talk but no follow up..I think some part of you knows this

I dont think you have said yet.
Why was it you told him 'i may not be able to give you kids' what was this based on?
Assumptions you made about your age? Something else?

It is entirely possible you will be able to have kids even later in life but bringing them up as an older mum is going to be very, very tough. Also, the chances of you dying when they are still very young is going to get higher and higher as you get older.

So you were married for a year (at 40ish) and he left you because you were ambivalent to having children?

If I have understood this correctly, it may be that your ex is 'firing blanks' to use a crude term.

I think regardless of what his future may be, if at all possible, he should be aware and seek medical advice. You may not ever be together again, but should he enter another relationship, it would be unkind to the woman concerned not to know about the limited possibilities or none of having a child with him.

If, as you say in your reply, you’ve been having unprotected sex then surely you have been trying.
perhaps he can’t conceive?
if you are 100% sure he is the right person for you id have the conversation with him and be completely honest.

I don’t know what getting in touch with him would do. Are you wanting to prove to him that he made a mistake seeking someone younger and that you were still a good option? Or to let him know if there are any problems conceiving then it’s a him problem and was never a you problem? I think you need to move on; if he really wanted to stay with you then he would have found a way.

Regardless of your good numbers you are leaving it late and there is no guarantee you would get pregnant and he probably realised there is a good chance he won't have any with you.

I had exceptional numbers at 35. The numbers of someone a decade younger . I was still subfertile and needed ivf, the numbers do not reflect egg quality and I hate to be blunt but at 42 this is likely to be poor.

Well, I would say, being with someone for about a year is not near enough time to have kids with them. Especially multiple ones. It does happen, and heck, it can work out, but realistically, there are so many people who jumped into a relationship quick, jumped into having kids quick, and then realise they have nothing in common, they have no business being a couple, etc. What I am trying to get at is that people need to take the time to actually get to know the other person. One year is, or almost a year is nothing in that regard.

However, I do get the urgency around what age the couple is in, always. I know people don't like hearing it, but after a certain age it does become a complex situation. Potentially difficult pregnancy, you just don't have the energy raising a tiny human (especially multiple) that you would've had when you were in your 20s. Not to mention the fact that you had a lot more time to just be on your own, looking after your own needs only, getting used to a certain level of lifestyle, routines, adjusting those past 40 instead of 20-something is more difficult. A lot of people take offence to these, like they are personal attacks, but this is the reality of it, I mean no harm with this. Just biology. I personally always add the view as well to be able to see my kids grow up, potentially being able to see their kids, even. Not going to parent-teacher meetings when I would be confused as their grandpa.

So, with all of that in mind, planning on even beginning to have three kids past 42 is very complex. I am not saying those who choose to are wrong, it's their life, I certainly wouldn't do it. (There is also a difference between having 2 kids already and then getting pregnant when you are 42, instead of just getting pregnant with the first one).

Also, nothing tells me that a couple has no idea what they are talking about (and how could they, you only know once you actually do have kids) when with zero experience they are super ambitiously go "yeah, we will have exactly three, boom boom boom". That's not how life works, and your views and ideas could shift after having the first or second.

So, in short, with such a short relationship it is a bit ambitious and not careful enough to jump into having multiple kids, to begin with. (Heck, there are animals who need more time to gestate than how long your relationship was, a giraffe, for example.

As such, since you split, I don't think the info on your fertility has any relevancy to your now-ex-partner.

Older mum here....the experience gained over 2 decades does have advantages. Without knowing the OPs resources Theres no reason to presume these problems.
Also ...living proof I am still very much alive as are many contemporaries.

At the age of 40 new relationships where people have kids are by definition shorter ones. But this needs to be balanced by having the maturity to know what you want and commit to it.
There are many kinds of relationship. Some women plan and choose to be single parents.

I'm an older mum, too - I do wish I had my DC earlier.

But I'm a single parent with no family around so maybe it does cloud my judgement.

I agree, completely.

At 42 with 'numbers like yours' if you really wanted kids you'd have had kids. You'd have put effort into it. You don't want the same thing. You're not suited to each other. Move forward and move on instead of looking back. There's no point in having further conversations with him on the subject.

He just wasn’t that into you, OP, and the kids thing was a convenient excuse. Stop dwelling on it, definitely don’t share your test results with him, just try to move on and find someone else - you’re running out of time fertility wise so stop wasting your time and energy on this guy.

It is not at all normal or common for women to have babies in their 40s. You wete completely correct initially when you presumed it would be difficult or impossible

He wants to have multiple children and also...and this may seem harsh...has chosen to leave you . That speaks for itself.

Don't go back begging to be taken back op its not dignified. Also the truth is you may not have kids...your relationship needs to be able to survive that.