Should I tell my ex my fertility test results after our split?

[ThatCuteGirl]

The thing that just sucks about this whole thing is it wasn't a case of "He wants kids and I don't" or "He wants kids and I can't have them."

So the reason for our breakup….was a difference in opinion (in his mind) on kids. Bear in mind this was something we had talked about all along, and we were always on the same page. It was always..."If it happens, it happens. And hopefully, it does. If it doesn't, we will explore the other options." Like I said, we were both in agreement. Up until the last month or so. I guess his thoughts on the matter had shifted, which is fair…totally his right.

The thing is….we were still mostly on the same page….I was just taking a much more pragmatic approach of…Let's take things one thing/kid at a time, type of thing. His desires for kids had become very, very specific. he wanted 2, preferably 3 kids….biological kids. He wasn't really (and he had never told me this before) a fan of surrogacy. He wanted to have kids the old-fashioned way, essentially.

To be fair, I didn't help. I always approached our conversations from a very "prepare for the worst" place. I always said there is a chance I can't have kids. It was never, "Oh I can't wait to have kids with you!" It was…"I hope so, but we'll see…." It was a self-defense mechanism. Or not wanting to get his hopes up if I can't deliver. During the breakup, he made it clear that my hesitancy and lack of enthusiasm played a part.

So, he had sort of done the math, and knew how long it had taken his Mom to have 3 kids, and knew his Mom had a hysterectomy at a certain age, and ultimately, told me he thought he needed to look for someone younger. He said he still loved me, and he always thought he was going to marry me. But…he didn't want to have regrets 5, 10 years from now. And that was that.

Now, I never shared our conversations with anyone, I always kept them between us, and now I am kind of wishing I hadn't. Because after the fact I talked to several people, including my sister who is a labor and delivery nurse, and they kind of…acted like I was silly to assume the worst. They feel like I jumped the gun by jumping to fertility issues and alternatives. Don't get me wrong…they think he is silly too, to put a number on things. For all he knows, he might have trouble. He isn't young. Or if he does meet a younger woman…maybe she has trouble. Or maybe after 1, she decides she doesn't want anymore. There's just no guarantee, with anyone.

But like I said…my sister is a labor and delivery nurse, so her opinion mattered the most, both professionally and as my sister. She asked me if there was any reason to believe that I cannot have kids. Any concrete reason. No. Basically what she said….the long and short of it….was that we had these conversations based on a lot of assumptions and virtually no actual data. She said that moms and first time moms my age were a regular occurrence. I wouldn't be some miracle exception…women like me are the new normal, essentially. And she urged me to get tested, not for him, but for my own peace of mind.

So I did. And the numbers aren't good…..they are great. Exceptional. My doctor said if she saw these numbers in a woman several years younger than me, she would still think they are good numbers. So for me….they are excellent. It's very bittersweet because I feel like if I had had these conversations with my loved ones and knew the numbers….I feel like those kid talks with him would have gone very differently. I would have been able to have them with enthusiasm and excitement. Because I did want kids with him. I did want a family with him. Anytime he mentioned our future kids, I would tense up, because...like I said before, I feared that I wouldn't be able to do it. But, inside, in my heart, I was so emotional at the thought of it.

I feel like I should tell him. But...I also feel like...he's made his decision and it may not make a difference anyway. My age is still my age, and on average, a younger woman would be a safer bet than an older woman. But...it's also not a complete shot in the dark anymore. By all we know now, the doctor feels like I should be able to have kids naturally, with vitamins and timing. But...he didn't choose me. He didn't choose me the way I would have chosen him if the roles were reversed. At the same time, it's hard for me to be angry at him for his reasoning.

Your ex sounds very immature to me. Many people don't have children and manage to have happy lives if they love each other. Him now talking about three children, which is fairly unrealistic, and even surrogacy, which is extreme (though I note he now says he wants bio kids naturally), makes me think he wants out of your marriage and to spread his wings, if he hasn't already.

Just tell him. What have you got to lose.

I doubt it will change anything but there is no point waiting for another year and then telling him.

If he does want to get back together why not go for it and see what happens. Going for it means trying to have a baby with unprotected sex plenty of times and knowing your cycle.

It sounds like this has crystallized what you want.

Why not have an honest conversation with him and then if he is resolute it's over move on.

Please can I add a word of caution, being 42 and getting pregnant is not impossible but it is much harder, I speak from personal experience.

But if you want this, go for it.

Good luck.

I think you just need to have this conversation with HIM, so you don't have any regrets. It sounds like he made his decision not knowing truly how you felt, given the fact you had a guard up incase you couldn't have kids.

Have the conversation. It may not change his decision, but if it does, at that point you can decide if you would like to give the relationship a second chance or not. And if you do, then make sure he gets himself tested again (if he hasn't already), and if you both want them then plan for them. Also remember, you can always use a donor and do this on your own, lots of people do and if it's your dream you have that choice. Good luck!

Also, re your posts... you said 'mom' are you outside the UK? just asking.

Also, "Us not getting pregnant after unprotected sex for a year. For one...we didn't start having sex immediately. And it wasn't unprotected in the beginning. That said, as I mentioned...we don't live together. I travel for work quite a bit, he works long hours. A lot of our dates and weekends and time together did fall either during my period, just before, or just after. Not always, but that just seems to be how it sort of worked out. So, it certainly could have been a timing thing."

If you do want a baby, with him or anyone else, you will need to be present with the man before, after and during your most fertile time. Please do prioritize this if you really want a baby,

Just simply the age thing. Nothing else.

I have seen some questions and statements about getting tested before now. I actually had talked to my dr 5 months ago about it. So, yes it was on my mind, it was in the picture.

The only reason I hadn't gotten tested yet was "Day 3" kept falling on either a weekend or a day I was not in town. Dr. said Day 3, so I followed that to the letter. A friend of mine told me that Day 4 or 5 would have probably been fine, so I was kind of bummed that I didn't realize that or I would have had it done. But, as it was, I was able to do it on Day 3 this time.

So, again, I was not ambivalent about it. I did not share this with my then-bf at the time, because like everything else, I didn't want to get his hopes up. I had planned on telling him about it once I had it done and had the results.

Wait wait wait…hold the bus…he didn’t even marry you and he’s talking bout three kids?!

He sounds a right pig. Dangling marriage like a carrot.

Why did you tolerate that?

Oh and heads up, he didn’t leave you becuase of the kids issue. That was just the easy way out to leave you thinking you were the problem..

I have a twenty says there’s another woman.

Actually no, make that £100.

Either that or he’s fell down an incel rabbit hole and now thinks he’s worthy of some twenty one year old supermodel.

@ThatCuteGirl

My child was born when I was 39, later I had had treatment with donor eggs, and in the end we adopted number 2. When I was young I wanted 6 kids, then it went down to 4, then 3, in the end I am happy with 2. Happy to offer any information I can.

I always wanted 3, then after the first I had to make myself have the second so they’d have a sibling. Then that was enough! My DSis stopped after one following a traumatic birth. You’re right that he might not get what he wants with another woman of any age. But he didn’t stop to think about that, did he?

I don't think I could be with any man who viewed me as a baby making machine and whose reason for splitting up was because i couldn't deliver. I honestly think you dodged a bullet.

It’s not a question of maturity but of priorities. A friend of mine was in a ltr with a man who was clear he didn’t want kids. She was fine with that for 10 years but in the end decided it was more important to her to have kids than to be with him specifically. So she ended it and found someone who also wanted a family.

It’s ok to want what you want. Bottom line this guy wasnt into OP enough to possibly end up childless.

This is it. He didn’t like OP enough. That’s all OP needs to know.

And seriously op, don’t tie yourself up in knots about this.

He just wasn’t serious about you. And this was his way out.

“He wasn’t keen on surrogacy” oh bully for him! He can have the babies naturally and screw up his body then! Honestly it sounds like he just wanted to baby trap you and because you had boundaries he didn’t like it.

Don’t go chasing after him about how it’s all fine your end. You’ll end up getting used for sex or for a baby and then he’ll bolt again.

Im glad your fertility is solid. You can find a nice man who will marry you and THEN play things by ear. Not a pushy chump who wants to use your body like a brood mare without even putting a ring on your finger.

And again, he probably has another woman.

Be prepared to shut the door in his face when he tries to crawl back after that fails.

I am afraid that fertility tests can't tell you about egg quality which is the key factor for women in their 40's. You may have a high AMH and follicle count but this doesn't tell you whether you can actually get pregnant. I personally don't think your fertility tests change anything. At 42 you need to get on with trying asap if you want a baby

I'm very sorry about what has happened to you. Before I went on my IVF journey with my husband who had the infertility - I made a decision not matter how much I wanted kids it was my husband I wanted to be with more. Thankfully we were successful, but if we hadn't have been I would have stayed with him regardless.

I agree with others at 42 if you want kids you need to start asap. Unfortunately, this man is not for you. He has told you who he is and what he wants - believe him.

They’ve found recently that the sperm starts to mutate in men around thirty five, where as women’s eggs are fine to forty fiveish. So whether or not he gets with a young woman he may still struggle to conceive and the baby may have issues.

If I wanted kids the natural way, I’d find myself a thirty year old man. I know you’re forty two but there’s plenty who like older women. You have more to worry about from an older man as a baby daddy than he does about an older woman. Also, man’s health determines the placenta quality and so, your morning sickness. So any man who wants a baby should probably spend the year before getting in the best shape of his life.

Don't tell him, mostly because the ‘great numbers’ don’t mean much because having a child at 42 is much more than hormone levels. Your great numbers don’t move the needle much if you weren’t actively trying to conceive and I am surprised that neither your sister or the person you saw about your fertility didn’t not impress upon you that time isn’t on your side.

This guy has more time (biologically speaking) than you, he has that luxury, you don’t. I would question his commitment to raising children because there’s a lot more to it than ‘giving’ his mother a grandchild, family tradition and bloodlines. I fear that the woman who has a child with this man will be doing most of the heavy lifting. Hypothetical children are the easiest.

The breakup is still fresh, give yourself some time. I think continuing to be in a relationship with this man would have caused you more heartache in the end because he doesn’t sound particularly informed or mature.

The red flags for me are that he has suddenly changed his mind- either someone has got in his ear or he has indeed found someone younger than you. Is the relationship/ he robust enough to support you through having children? It’s the hardest time of your life, to stay together you need to be rock solid.
There’s nothing to stop you from mentioning it to him if you are still interested in being in a relationship with him. Be candid, have a plan- are you going to shag like crazy for a few months then break up if unsuccessful, or then go to IVF, or just go straight to IVF and ask them to stick a couple of embryos in and hope for multiples?
I would say consider doing a round of egg harvesting for yourself anyway as you may want to have children alone/ with someone else.
Either way, get cracking. 42 is fine to have a baby but it’s physically harder, the risks are higher, you’ll be more tired with a newborn etc. Going through peri and menopause with toddlers is no joke!

I agree with pp, your hesitancy to.embrace etc, convincing your dh it might not happen rather than actively trying screams out on some level that you'd onto really want kids yet. Most women your age rush headlong into it knowing time isn't on your side.

What do you feel now? You aren't exactly coming across as bery passionate about the whole thing.....Help, I've realised I've made a massive mistake and lost the love of my life, now I desperately want his children.

I mean, what if you tell him, he blows up his current relationship to come back to you and then you start all the "Let's just see what happens, it might not happen" nonsense again.

I specifically asked him if he had been tested recently. I wasn't trying to upset him, but my question was sort of, "Well what if you have problems on your end?" The question essentially being, is he open to exploring alternatives, and potentially not natural pregnancies.

He made such a fuss about having kids naturally, that I wanted to sort of make him fully aware that...there still be situations where natural may not be possible.

Well...he cried.

He said he didn't know what he would do. Said he'd probably hole up at his place and no one would see him for weeks. That he wouldn't date, because he wouldn't want to inflict his troubles on someone else.

At that point, I had considered mentioning his health issues and medication as realistic detractors, but I didn't want to kick him while he was visibly upset.

How old is he?

40

Ok…but did he actually get tested?

Because his reaction just sounded like a big “woe is me” distraction tactic let’s be real. You didn’t need another baby in that relationship, you already had one.

I sooooooo disagree with people telling you to get cracking baby wise btw. I don’t think we should ever encourage people to be single mothers unless they are really, really well off and have a solid support system. Having a baby can make it impossible for you to go back to work for a start if something goes wrong.

I say focus on you and being happy in yourself. Your attitude of what will be will be is healthy. Too may people worry about what ifs and what should be’s. Children arenot not an entitlement, nor are they a happy ever after. And evidently, men aren’t either.

That partner would not have made a good father as he had unrealistic expectations that no child would have satisfied.

You on the other hand would probably make a good mother. Why not try another route to have your own child?

I think you are well rid of him. I certainly wouldn't want a relationship and definitely not a child with someone that had just dumped me to look for someone with a younger womb. Id probably tell him but only on the basis of Ive been tested and have had good results so you might want to get yourself tested in case theres a problem. Im sure he'd come crawling back if ironically he found he was infertile.

Maybe something in her just didn’t want to have his baby because she could tell he didn’t really love her.