Should I tell my ex my fertility test results after our split?

[ThatCuteGirl]

The thing that just sucks about this whole thing is it wasn't a case of "He wants kids and I don't" or "He wants kids and I can't have them."

So the reason for our breakup….was a difference in opinion (in his mind) on kids. Bear in mind this was something we had talked about all along, and we were always on the same page. It was always..."If it happens, it happens. And hopefully, it does. If it doesn't, we will explore the other options." Like I said, we were both in agreement. Up until the last month or so. I guess his thoughts on the matter had shifted, which is fair…totally his right.

The thing is….we were still mostly on the same page….I was just taking a much more pragmatic approach of…Let's take things one thing/kid at a time, type of thing. His desires for kids had become very, very specific. he wanted 2, preferably 3 kids….biological kids. He wasn't really (and he had never told me this before) a fan of surrogacy. He wanted to have kids the old-fashioned way, essentially.

To be fair, I didn't help. I always approached our conversations from a very "prepare for the worst" place. I always said there is a chance I can't have kids. It was never, "Oh I can't wait to have kids with you!" It was…"I hope so, but we'll see…." It was a self-defense mechanism. Or not wanting to get his hopes up if I can't deliver. During the breakup, he made it clear that my hesitancy and lack of enthusiasm played a part.

So, he had sort of done the math, and knew how long it had taken his Mom to have 3 kids, and knew his Mom had a hysterectomy at a certain age, and ultimately, told me he thought he needed to look for someone younger. He said he still loved me, and he always thought he was going to marry me. But…he didn't want to have regrets 5, 10 years from now. And that was that.

Now, I never shared our conversations with anyone, I always kept them between us, and now I am kind of wishing I hadn't. Because after the fact I talked to several people, including my sister who is a labor and delivery nurse, and they kind of…acted like I was silly to assume the worst. They feel like I jumped the gun by jumping to fertility issues and alternatives. Don't get me wrong…they think he is silly too, to put a number on things. For all he knows, he might have trouble. He isn't young. Or if he does meet a younger woman…maybe she has trouble. Or maybe after 1, she decides she doesn't want anymore. There's just no guarantee, with anyone.

But like I said…my sister is a labor and delivery nurse, so her opinion mattered the most, both professionally and as my sister. She asked me if there was any reason to believe that I cannot have kids. Any concrete reason. No. Basically what she said….the long and short of it….was that we had these conversations based on a lot of assumptions and virtually no actual data. She said that moms and first time moms my age were a regular occurrence. I wouldn't be some miracle exception…women like me are the new normal, essentially. And she urged me to get tested, not for him, but for my own peace of mind.

So I did. And the numbers aren't good…..they are great. Exceptional. My doctor said if she saw these numbers in a woman several years younger than me, she would still think they are good numbers. So for me….they are excellent. It's very bittersweet because I feel like if I had had these conversations with my loved ones and knew the numbers….I feel like those kid talks with him would have gone very differently. I would have been able to have them with enthusiasm and excitement. Because I did want kids with him. I did want a family with him. Anytime he mentioned our future kids, I would tense up, because...like I said before, I feared that I wouldn't be able to do it. But, inside, in my heart, I was so emotional at the thought of it.

I feel like I should tell him. But...I also feel like...he's made his decision and it may not make a difference anyway. My age is still my age, and on average, a younger woman would be a safer bet than an older woman. But...it's also not a complete shot in the dark anymore. By all we know now, the doctor feels like I should be able to have kids naturally, with vitamins and timing. But...he didn't choose me. He didn't choose me the way I would have chosen him if the roles were reversed. At the same time, it's hard for me to be angry at him for his reasoning.

Even in your analogy, the couple wouldn't be really choosing each other above all else - they'd be together primarily because of geography. Not a good enough reason to throw your lot in with someone, let alone have children with them.
You can do better than him!

I think the fact he walked out without waiting for tests tells you everything you need to know about his feelings towards you. What you choose to do next is entirely up to you, OP. Tell him if you want, maybe he’ll have you back. I wouldn’t want that for myself in your position, but if that’s what you want you don’t have anything to lose in telling him.

I want to say that I totally understand I do not take or cite the test results as "proof" of anything. Even my doctor said that. She gave me as much advice as she could based on what SHE had access to (the numbers and Ultrasound), but that ultimately a specialist would be the next step.

I think all it proves is that it wasn't the worst case scenario, which is what I expected and/or feared. What she said was that it warranted further investigation and discussion, again, with a specialist. She didn't promise the moon, but she was encouraged.

I think it also proves how much I want this, and how much I am willing to do to try my best to make it happen.

I think it is totally fair to say, "Hey the numbers aren't everything. There may still be issues." Poor eggs, thyroid problems, etc etc.

On the opposite side, I feel like it's unfair to say, "Hey the numbers aren't everything. The situation is probably medically hopeless."

and again, I thought your attitude was "not what i want but what my God wants"?

@ItaliangreyhoundI’m so sorry, that’s devastating.

I’m not sure, I’d say they are correct within my circle. One terminated, as she had completed her family, so it definitely wasn’t donor eggs. Others weee worried when trying, but it did happen for them within a few months, so I don’t think they went for IVF again. Ubiquinol and acupuncture, yes

I had my son when I was 40, it's definitely not too late based on your age, but I was lucky and got pregnant as soon as we stopped using condoms, and had an easy, healthy pregnancy. The fact you were having unprotected sex for a while and didn't get pregnant obviously shows you're not actually 'super fertile', or maybe he isn't, or both.

If you are desperate for kids have you considered donor sperm?

We've been having sex for about 9 months. Unprotected probably 6-7 months.

We weren't going at it like bunnies. I would say we were intimate between 3-6 times a month.

While I don't know my cycle exactly, what I do know is there were several months where it fell just before, during, or just after my period.

Were there maybe some times that it fell during the right time frame? Maybe. Probably. But, it certainly isn't like we were doing it all the time.

Why are you so desperate for someone who walked away on such a flimsy, unfactual and naive idea? You have value, op, this man does not love you.

Right, but I guess the point in the analogy is....

"I" have kids....kids that can't move. Meaning, I can't move. Does that mean I love "him" any less? Does it mean I don't love him?

It's a dealbreaker. A fair dealbreaker.

Don't get me wrong....I am struggling with it. If he loved me, wouldn't he want to be with me, no matter how our family would end up?

But, for many....kids are a dealbreaker. A fair dealbreaker.

How is asking him to give up his dream for kids any different than asking someone to leave their kids behind and move across country?

This is all rhetorical. It's just hard, because I am hurt and angry and sad, but at the same time....seeing him with my nieces and nephews....he will be a great dad...so I get why it is so important to him.

Op speak with him.
But do be realistic at 42 you'll be lucky to have one child. .

Realistically by the time you have one child you'll be too old for a second. You also need to consider they still need you into their 20s for support through Uni and early career.
That takes you into your mid 60s.

You didn’t ask him to give it up. You said it might be harder for whatever reasons. Instead of exploring the options with you, he left.

The analogy doesn’t work in my opinion.

but your writing just seems to be in a romanticised style, which is fine of thats how you write/think about it but the reality seems to be quite different.

you have to accept your not on the same page. The fact that you have had unprotected sex all these years even prior to him & not fallen pregnant is more of a miracle than you probably now falling pregnant very quickly cos you are trying

and that's the end. "he will be a great dad" You see him doing Disney Dad with the nephews and nieces. I get the "kids as dealbreaker" thing. I am childless not by choice and it was at a time where the options were less, less successful and nastier. But I say again, why would anybody want to be with someone whose primary want is children and not the person?

this. I know its hard to give up the dream but OP, you have to do it.

Nope, have to disagree about this statement. Just because you make a clear choice not to be a single mum, does not mean you don't want it kid. It may well mean you want to give that kid the very best start you can and will wait for that opportunity or like me, knew myself well enough to know I would struggle to do it on my own. Sadly the right partner doesn't always come along.

But OP wasn't on her own, that's the whole point!

It wouldn't make sense to me either but hey, if that's what you believe....what I don't get is why it still isn't in God's hands? maybe God doesn't want the OP and this man to get together?

Your point was that women who hadn't tried for a baby didn't want one. She got to 42 before she started dating this guy, so according to you she had many years of not wanting a child and I don't think that is true. I think she was waiting for the right person to have a child with. They hadn't even committed to a life together let alone having kids because the communication between them was not good.

Why would you want to be with someone who only wants to be with you if they have children? Especially when there's no guarantee. Your doctor said you could have a few years left but that doesn't mean it will happen.

I'd be so stressed being in a relationship and knowing the person only got back together because I promised him children. How would you feel 6 months down the line if you'd tried and failed? Wouldn't you feel more stressed?

Also, not to be cruel but if he really wanted to be with you wouldn't he try to come up with a plan to monitor periods and really try for the fertile period etc instead of just leaving. The time of ovulation is so short that having sex 3-4 times a month could so easily miss it.

So important to him he didn’t even bother to marry the would be mother of his child. And was coming up with nutso suggestions like 3 kids with not even the possibility of surrogacy even though you’re both in your forties. Yeah, sure.

He is taking you for a mug. He might want kids the way kids want a puppy tbf, but he doesn’t want to be a dad.

When push came to shove, he bottled it.

It’s a red herring. By all means tell him about your results but be very careful you don’t get used. He puts a ring on your finger first before you try again. He steps up and proves his commitment.

I suspect though that he will decide on another excuse not to come back becuase it was all bs in the first place. But maybe it would put your mind at ease knowing you gave it that last shot of telling him and letting the chips fall where they may.

Why do people insist on having biological children?

because adoption of a child who has been abused and removed from their parents results in trauma and attachment issues and very very challenging behaviour. Because FASD also results in very very challenging behaviour and learning difficulties.

This is fertility clinic misdirection through - some clinics (dishonestly, IMO) cite their early pregnancy rates rather than their successful pregnancies. They do this knowing most pregnancies in women 40-43 will result in miscarriage, or as a “chemical pregnancy”

ETA : and the info from that clinic says that the chances of having a baby from your own eggs from IVF at 42 is only 4.1%

@january1244 thank you, but it's fine. We had one child with IUI (my own eggs), then tried donor eggs when told by two doctors my eggs wouldn't work.

Then ended up adopting number two.

Let’s be honest that’s not why though, the fact is most people don’t even consider adoption because they are fundamentally selfish. Because they want a baby, not a human. And for men, because they care about their blood not about an actual give and take relationship between equals.

There are all manner of children in the adoption system and yes whilst some kids have some pretty severe issues, so do some children who are simply BORN. Especially to older parents. And there’s nothing to say they can’t be traumatised by something out with your control at some point as your birth children either.

Also, people are individuals and capable of working through trauma.
There will never be an easy child in existence. Adoption isn’t for everyone. But let’s not pretend most people even give it enough thought to go
oh wait but they might be more difficult”.