Should I tell my ex my fertility test results after our split?

[ThatCuteGirl]

The thing that just sucks about this whole thing is it wasn't a case of "He wants kids and I don't" or "He wants kids and I can't have them."

So the reason for our breakup….was a difference in opinion (in his mind) on kids. Bear in mind this was something we had talked about all along, and we were always on the same page. It was always..."If it happens, it happens. And hopefully, it does. If it doesn't, we will explore the other options." Like I said, we were both in agreement. Up until the last month or so. I guess his thoughts on the matter had shifted, which is fair…totally his right.

The thing is….we were still mostly on the same page….I was just taking a much more pragmatic approach of…Let's take things one thing/kid at a time, type of thing. His desires for kids had become very, very specific. he wanted 2, preferably 3 kids….biological kids. He wasn't really (and he had never told me this before) a fan of surrogacy. He wanted to have kids the old-fashioned way, essentially.

To be fair, I didn't help. I always approached our conversations from a very "prepare for the worst" place. I always said there is a chance I can't have kids. It was never, "Oh I can't wait to have kids with you!" It was…"I hope so, but we'll see…." It was a self-defense mechanism. Or not wanting to get his hopes up if I can't deliver. During the breakup, he made it clear that my hesitancy and lack of enthusiasm played a part.

So, he had sort of done the math, and knew how long it had taken his Mom to have 3 kids, and knew his Mom had a hysterectomy at a certain age, and ultimately, told me he thought he needed to look for someone younger. He said he still loved me, and he always thought he was going to marry me. But…he didn't want to have regrets 5, 10 years from now. And that was that.

Now, I never shared our conversations with anyone, I always kept them between us, and now I am kind of wishing I hadn't. Because after the fact I talked to several people, including my sister who is a labor and delivery nurse, and they kind of…acted like I was silly to assume the worst. They feel like I jumped the gun by jumping to fertility issues and alternatives. Don't get me wrong…they think he is silly too, to put a number on things. For all he knows, he might have trouble. He isn't young. Or if he does meet a younger woman…maybe she has trouble. Or maybe after 1, she decides she doesn't want anymore. There's just no guarantee, with anyone.

But like I said…my sister is a labor and delivery nurse, so her opinion mattered the most, both professionally and as my sister. She asked me if there was any reason to believe that I cannot have kids. Any concrete reason. No. Basically what she said….the long and short of it….was that we had these conversations based on a lot of assumptions and virtually no actual data. She said that moms and first time moms my age were a regular occurrence. I wouldn't be some miracle exception…women like me are the new normal, essentially. And she urged me to get tested, not for him, but for my own peace of mind.

So I did. And the numbers aren't good…..they are great. Exceptional. My doctor said if she saw these numbers in a woman several years younger than me, she would still think they are good numbers. So for me….they are excellent. It's very bittersweet because I feel like if I had had these conversations with my loved ones and knew the numbers….I feel like those kid talks with him would have gone very differently. I would have been able to have them with enthusiasm and excitement. Because I did want kids with him. I did want a family with him. Anytime he mentioned our future kids, I would tense up, because...like I said before, I feared that I wouldn't be able to do it. But, inside, in my heart, I was so emotional at the thought of it.

I feel like I should tell him. But...I also feel like...he's made his decision and it may not make a difference anyway. My age is still my age, and on average, a younger woman would be a safer bet than an older woman. But...it's also not a complete shot in the dark anymore. By all we know now, the doctor feels like I should be able to have kids naturally, with vitamins and timing. But...he didn't choose me. He didn't choose me the way I would have chosen him if the roles were reversed. At the same time, it's hard for me to be angry at him for his reasoning.

Also, I don’t know if you said how long you were together but…you should probably find your anger.

He’s wasted your time by pretending to be on the same page and then moving the goal posts. You could have been with someone who was happy to do the tests that needed done and take things in whatever steps needed to be taken to have the kids. He seems all talk about wanting kids but then denying all the ways to see that it could get underway and framing it as if you are the one who were making it difficult.

It seemed like when push came to shove he wanted to make actually having kids difficult. But fixating on the how’s and the how many’s and refusing actual steps to get his sperm checked so you could get things underway.

Thats not a man who actually wants kids.

He doesn’t sound in a particularly stable state of mind. Have there been any other indications of him being stressed or having low mood?

I say this because it’s easier for some people to pin their mood on something external or another person than it is to own the fact that they are currently discontent. Perhaps he thinks a baby or three will fix the way he feels about life and his future. It won’t.

Seriously OP, he has done you a favour leaving. This is not a happy man.

I still think you should speak with him. And remember not all IVF involves donor anything, the vast majority is about getting normal couples their biological baby.

Someone correct me if I have a misconception.

Why do people insist on having biological children? Don't get me wrong, a biological child would be welcomed and loved, but I'd be prioritising adoption anyway. Having a biological child doesn't guarantee love or even liking each other. Just look at stats on social services, children's homes etc. Look around at all the parents you see, how they interact with and talk about their kids. Possible misconception: aren't we all related anyway? I get it's a 'closer' bio relation, but... it all just seems a bit silly to me.. people adopt animals ffs and literally jump into rivers for them.

It's just fomo, isn't it. The 'idea' of being pregnant (fuck that: a parasite inside you, urgh, can't exercise 'properly' for better part of a year, impact on body etc. Doesn't appeal at all).

It sounds more like an anal / obsessive compulsion, rather than a seriously-considered or reasonable position, regarding biological children. Also, again: fomo. A baby lasts what, a year? (No clue how long a baby is officially a baby!) and then it's just a 'person'. Do we even like people?? Even while it is a cute baby, is it that great? You have the crying, the nappies, the lack of freedom, the cost, the complaints, potential arguments / differences in personality. Possible medical issues after birth - don't get me started on what happens to your vagina 🤢 - why on earth people don't look forward to giving an existing child a home, while keeping their figures / health intact.. I can only put it down to lack of experience. Go work in a kid's home or volunteer in schools etc and see for yourself that you can build strong relationships without sharing (recent) DNA.

Flipside for balance: I do understand the desire to reproduce. It's wired in for survival, isn't it. Just saying we're not basic animals anymore. We have higher order thinking skills and the ability to see the bigger picture, forward plan, work for the good of all.. there is more than one way to start a family and it's a shame that guy couldn't see that.

I hope you and others figure out what you actually want and work to get it.

Maybe. Whatever it was, she just doesn't sound that into him or having a baby.

You both sound like kids, dreaming up stupid scenarios about 3 kids in your forties. And it’s all so vague, he actually cried when you said he might not have great sperm? And told you he’d hide away in a room? Like a dark fairytale.
The conversations that you have sound mental.

You both strike me as a little idealistic and naive - who is to say he is even fertile? Why is he getting together with someone who is potentially heading into perimenopause if he wants 3 kids? There is soooooo much more to conception and making it to a live birth than either of you seem to realise. a midwife deals almost exclusively with live births, that is not a ‘best opinion’.

Question - have you used birth control previously? Or chanced it because you thought you might be infertile?

Ignoring the practicalities and the fact that he seems to have an idealistic and unrealistic view of a relationship and parenthood, deciding you want 3 before even knowing what things will be like for both of you with one, you both sound a bit like my 21 yr old with her first serious boyfriend.

Interesting that you went for the test when you believe in God’s will, seems maybe you doubt it, or did you just need confirmation of what his will was?

@ThatCuteGirl

My son and DiL separated due to her cheating, so not the same as your separation at all. They were going through fertility investigations at the time as she wanted a baby and they'd been trying for over a year. DS was not as enthusiastic, but felt if that was what she wanted he'd go for it. The discovery of her cheating came mid-testing and they separated.

Bottom line, when his tests came back 'all systems go' he didn't say anything to her. He figured it was no longer any of her business and, bottom line, it wasn't going to change anything.

As far as you telling your Ex, what would it accomplish? Would you want or expect him to come back? Do you want to tell him in order to 'rub his nose' in the fact that he left you when you could have had a child together? If he'd really loved you, he would have stayed whether you could have had a child together 'the natural way' or not, so his love for you was conditional, wasn't it?

I'd let sleeping dogs lie.

The relationship is over. So, numbers mean nothing.

I have used birth control before. Many, many years ago.

I didn't like the way it made me feel. And...in between there, I wasn't in any relationships that I would have any need for it.

And yes, at some point, I did make a calculated decision to not go back on it. Part of it was my "If it happens, it happens" mindset. Part of it was....not that I thought I was infertile necessarily, but just that I knew that there was a short window each month, so unless the timing was bang on, it maaaay happen. But, it was as I said, sort of a calculated risk I was willing to take. (By the way, I told him up front that I wasn't on birth control so that he would have the option to use protection or not) I wasn't so evil to take that risk and not tell him first.

Personally I would tell him your results. Even just to rule out the what ifs.

The stats bandied around here about having a baby naturally are wrong though. There’s a 50-60% chance in the latest studies after trying for one year between age 40-43. It’s not uncommon in my area for couples to have babies later

Do you have a link or info for that stat?

January

AI says "Studies show that the 50% to 60% success rate you are referring to typically applies to women aged 40–43 who use donor eggs or undergo donor-egg IVF. For natural conception or IVF using a patient's own eggs, the cumulative pregnancy rate and live birth rate drop significantly within that age bracket."

I have tried to come up with an analogy for those saying, "What does telling him achieve?" It may not be a perfect example, but I will do my best.

Let's say I had kids (I obviously don't but this is just an analogy) and me and a guy was long-distance. We get to the point that...someone is going to have to make a move. I obviously can't, and he is sort of hesitant about a move. He loves his job, he has friends and family and would be leaving his whole life behind. I get the impression that he's not willing to make the sacrifice or that he may change his mind. So, despite the fact that I do love him, I just don't see a future where our paths are together, so I end things.

Then...said guy finds a job in my general-but not immediate- area. Or maybe his company offers him a transfer. It may still not be ideal. But, instead of it being 12 hours, now we are say...2 hours apart. 2 hours may still be too much. We may have to considering waiting till the kids are grown, or maybe we could figure out someplace to live halfway.

I would still hope and expect that the guy would let me know. It may still not work out; but at least I will know, and at least I can make my decision accordingly.

Does this make sense at all? Like I said...it's not a perfect analogy, but...it was the best I could come up with.

a job closer by is not a child. This bloke brushed you off because he thinks you can't give him children. Realistically what can you tell him? As others have said, the tests you have had say nothing about your egg quality and you have no idea what his sperm is like because he dodged yes! dodged being tested. Come off cloud whatif and back down to real life.

I understand what you are saying OP. There is new information on which to base an informed decision. And I can understand why you might choose to tell him, that’s fine. However, like a previous poster said very beautifully…he could have had a conversation with you and worked with you to problem-solve before walking away. He chose to come to the conclusion that you wanted different things without really talking it through. This tells me a lot about the kind of person he is and I’m wondering if he was at a point in the relationship where he had to commit or not…and decided not. He used an excuse (doesn’t think you want the same things). I don’t know if you have said anything about his relationship history but if he hasn’t committed fully to previous relationships, there could be a pattern here…a pattern of deciding he wants different things without looking at the foundation of a relationship - proper discussion and possibly compromise.

I would hate for you to tell him your news and for him to still say he’s moving on. I say this as someone whose friend told their former boyfriend she was pregnant with his child after years of trying for a baby. He had previously said the sadness of trying for a baby and never getting the news they wanted was his reason for moving on. Turns out it wasn’t. He had moved on very quickly to a new girlfriend.

Men use excuses to leave a relationship, often really hurtful excuses too that strike at the core of being a woman. By all means have a conversation with him but prepare yourself for him deciding it makes no difference.

Take care of yourself OP. Prioritise your own needs, not his.

AI isn’t always right.

It was actually from a friend originally, who had her second naturally at 45, but spoke to fertility doctors before as it was taking longer than with her first. But I saw it online also and here’s a link https://www.cofertility.com/family-learn/what-you-need-to-know-about-getting-pregnant-in-your-40s

I was 39 with my second, pregnant by surprise, but my antenatal group had lots of natural births in 40s. My clients and colleagues and friends also. A friend now is pregnant at 43, second month trying. The problem is you never know which 50% you’ll fall into

It makes sense but it doesn’t work in your situation. You can’t compromise on having kids, and having 2-3 biological kids starting at age 42 when you aren’t even ready to start trying is just not realistic. And he left you because he wants someone younger. You’d just be doing a ‘pick me’ dance. And then if you waste 5 years trying to have kids and it doesn’t work, he will likely just leave you for someone younger again because he still has time. I’d focus on healing yourself and moving on.

You aren’t even of advanced maternal age in my health trust until 42. The midwife said they had so many women coming in older, they had to increase it

A job closer would mean a certainty in terms of availability and sacrifice. It's not the same as having children as there is definitely no certainty and at your age, there is more chance of winning the lotto than having three children naturally. The numbers are misleading. Egg numbers vs egg quality are two different things.
Don't try to lure him back with promises your body can't keep - it will only lead to misery, disenchantment and anger.
He's in a very different situation to you, Op, as hard as it is to come to terms with. He has more time on his hands to realise this idea he has of a family.
You have said before that life can intervene and make a second/third child an unrealistic ambition. The fact is that, barring an accident or unpredictable ill-health, there's not much stopping younger couples having a second or third. There is a lot stopping you.
The odds are against you and you shouldn't hold on to these test results as proof of fertility. I've been there; numbers they'd never seen before but on closer inspection (a year down the road), egg quality very poor.
These results aren't what you think they are. They def don't mean you'll be having a child every year.
Don't tell him these results as he's not a doctor and might actually believe, with some good timing, a family of three kids is likely to show up. The stats would say that this is nigh on impossible.

I'd be a bit wary of taking into account your sister's experience because she is only going to see the successful ones.
It occurs to me that you have said that you are spiritually minded and your general ethos is to accept what your God sends or does not send. I wonder why you are not applying this belief to your current situation? What if your God's plan for you doesn not include this man?

No one should base their decision to be together on the possibility of one of them may be able to father/bear a child. Other than it being a shit basis for a relationship, it’s a shit basis from which to have a child.

Either you love each other or not. After 5 years trying, horrific sperm co7nts, autoimmune issues, 5 miscarriages we finally had a daughter on our second IVF. Not for a second did I think of leaving him, or him me. We started trying after 2 years together, when I was 32. A child was a deep wish but it didn’t override our wish to be together. He’s looking for a baby machine, and what if you can’t conceive? Or his counts are off? Or he decides fatherhood ain’t what he thought and legs it?

Yeah your sister isn’t a useful font of knowledge here as obvious she doesn’t see anyone who isn’t hugely pregnant. There are plenty of anecdotes - my grandmother had my uncle at 42 (after 9 miscarriages and a stillbirth) and that was totally unheard of at that time (1960). All the doctors and midwives told her she shouldn’t continue the pregnancy as it was totally outside their experience. So yes, miracles happen. But for someone at 42 to have 3 babies in the next 3 years with a 40 year old… that’s beyond miraculous. It’s intensely unlikely.

I can’t work out what you think these tests mean. As many people have said, they test one specific thing and only on you. That tells you nothing about your ability to conceive and carry a baby… several times. He is right that someone younger would have a better chance at this. He’s told you that you aren’t that important to him, that it’s not worth the risk or the effort because he wants kids more than he wants to be with you.

You can promise him nothing (no one can) so even if you were 10 years younger I’d say the same - this is not a great situation and not a great man. It’s very odd to say that children are the only thing you want but do nothing above it for years. You’re well out of that mess.

@january1244

Yes AI is nit always correct.

I'd be delighted if those stats were true but I am still doubtful.

I also know people who had babies with donor eggs and as far as I am aware they did not tell anyone outside a small circle that they had used donor eggs.

Maybe because friends knew I tried with donor eggs they are more forthcoming. Sadly, my attempts with donor eggs failed, I believe my womb is a hostile environment!

I love the idea of womem having babies in their 40s but I know people who struggled at those ages.

I wish the op all the best.