Glam & Fab Part 6 - The Summer of Discontent

[Tanee58]

Hope you all find your way onto this new one !

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Hi everyone

Just checking in.

Baffy, what can I say? I am so sorry for evrything you have gone through with H. I am so sorry that he lives up to his name of Gutless Wonder and that he never had the balls to be totally honest with you, that he has put you through all this emotional pain and turmoil knowing full well he was still deceiving you.

Anyway, no matter what, we are here for you We will sort you out Thats good news about the house by the way, I'm excited for you! But I do hope you decide to go alone, it's time to show H that although he is welcome in DS's life he is no way welcome in yours.

DP's Gran wasn't so good yesterday (thank you for asking ) she has lost so much weight. I only saw her on Tuesday and was shocked to see how much more ill she looked yesterday. Life seems very cruel sometimes.

Love to everyone else xxx

Baffy I do wish you hadnt mentioned the wiggles - I have toot toot, chugga chugga big red car going through my head now!! We used to play the CD in the car DS1 used to get very annoyed because I sang to it!

I do think its hard for us to say you shouldnt be with the GW, we have a snapshot of who he is from what you have told us....from that snapshot I really wouldnt wish him on my worst enemy so all we can do is encourage you to the point where you feel strong enough to say "either you stop this sh*t NOW or I will move on" - I am hoping you are now at that point

I think it says a lot for who you are that on what must be one of the worst days of your life you are still apologising for focussing on YOU and asking how everyone else is

My honest opinion is that you can do a lot better for yourself - you seem to constantly be giving him support, love (and money?) - he is giving you not a lot in return except hassle and knockbacks. You KNOW I think relationships should be equal - he SHOULD love you as much as you love him but you cant MAKE someone love you and it will do nothing for your self esteem if you hang around forever waiting for him to be the man you want. When you are ready to meet someone else there are loads of men out there who would love to have a girlfriend like you and wouldnt dither about for 18 months trying to decide if they want to be with you or not!

Hi everyone else - I am trying to stay off MN today LOL I need to get some work done!!

pmsl at SG thinking you could be "friends" ...welcome to planet la la!!

Good post WW. Totally agree.

But, there is this little part of me that think's Baffy's H really is a very weak man, he knows what he wants and what he doesn't want he just doesn't have the guts to come out and say it. I think in his foolish misguided way he has thought he has been sparing Baffy by not being straight with her. Plus, I think he has this really big need to be liked and approved of and he just doesn't want Baffy to think bad of him, thats why he plays her, thats why he likes that she still loves him and wants him, because it makes him feel better, even though it's not necessarily what he wants. He must be exhausted from all the ducking and diving, trying to please both Baffy and OW!

Baffy, he has conned you from day one, he has played you in a very devious way right from when he talked you into selling the family home. He has deceived you in a very charming way really, in a way that makes him out to be the victim. Quite a clever man really

Oh I agree totally he is weak and both Baffy and SG are strong women (although in VERY different ways) He agrees with what each woman wants when he is with her, he probably doesnt want to hurt anyone but unfortunately he should have thought of that before he started along this path there is no way to end this situation without people getting hurt.

I dont think he is a clever man, I think he is somehow damaged by his experience of life (did his parents have an un-balanced marriage?) Unfortunately while SG & Baffy both want him no one is going to be happy and the children will eventually be effected too as they get older they will grow up to think this disfunctional type of relationship is normal. From what Baffy has said of SG she is a damaged person too I dont think she is destined to have a happy or settled life but Baffy can once she decides that she will not settle for less.

I promise you Baffy one day you will look back on this and wonder what you EVER saw in him....I know because ive been there. I look at men like my exbf now (I can spot them really easily) and I just think "ugh no way, you may be pretty but you are so disfunctional"

Mmm yes, controlling mum perhaps? I wonder if baffy would mind if we analysed him

Strong mum, weaker or easy going dad, either Dad was unfaithful when he was younger or mum was a drama queen like SG (sorry Baffster we may be completely off the mark here!)

My mother was a control freak, that turned me into a people pleaser. My dad was quiet and let my mum control him (for a quiet life i presume) I can't tell a lie to save my life though, I wouldn't be able to lie, cheat or deceieve. I'm a coward

deceive

Hi everyone

Well what can I say. I have tears streaming down my face just writing this.

I'm so weak it's untrue. I really can't eat or sleep. I told him last night it was over for good and that was it. As long as he stuck to his access for ds and paid the maintenance, that was all I cared about.

He agreed.

I sobbed until I was sick. The thought of him potetially settling down with OW and their baby, and my ds having to visit, makes me physically sick. This isn't about a battle to 'win' anymore. I had the happiest life and everything I could have ever dreamed of. Why do I have to give it up? And then be tortured forever while she has the life I worked so hard for?

I have just had a couple of months with H being shown that we could have that back. And now she turns up with his child and it's all so cruely taken away from me again.

How do I come to terms with this? Knowing I was so happy with him. Wanting to be with the man I married, the man I love. And never wanting to share my child. But having to accept that he just doesn't love me that way in return and the unborn child of a woman he doesn't love is more important

Raffaella thank you for your comments though, it's all so much appreciated right now

I feel weak and pathetic. And also scared to death of life as a single mum while I watch the man I love with another woman.

I have made an appointment at the doctors this afternoon. I need some help. I don't know what they can do. Sleeping pills. Something to calm me down. Just a good telling off that I need to eat. But I need to do something because I feel that they have destroyed me and I don't know which way to turn.

I'm so sorry

In terms of your analysing - his mum was very much the stronger character. Main earner. Did all the DIY etc! His dad is very laid back.

In a lot of ways he had the 'perfect' childhood. Only child. No trauma. His parents were very much like us, viewed to be the 'perfect' couple. He says he can count on 1 hand the number of times he saw them argue.

Around 2 years ago, just at the time me and H started having problems, his mum left his dad in the most cruel way. For a man she works with who has plenty of money. And it tore his dad apart. They were planning on early retirement in a year or two.

Now his dad has nothing, had to sell his home as he couldn't afford it on his own, and it a shaddow of his former self.

I don't know if that helps with the analysis xx

How you treat other people, how you conduct relationships and how you will accept other people treating you is definately something that is formed as you are growing up and using your parents relationship as a blueprint.

If you become aware enough of how what you learnt as you grew up effects your behaviour now then you can change

Oh Baffy you have such an idealised view of who the GW is - he really has treated you unforgiveably. He will treat her badly too...just wait and see. He doesnt love you the way you deserve to be loved that doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you or anything better about her.

You need a man not a weak boy - if he is so so about her and has other women throwing themselves at him when she is pregnant trust me this honeymoon period is not going to last long.

Could you start seeing your counsellor again - you really do need some support.

"I told him last night it was over for good and that was it"

That doesnt make you weak that shows you are strong

Thanks WW

I wondered about going back to the counsellor.

But tbh all she really does is listen. And you guys do that but actually offer constructive advice too!

Unless you're telling me to go back because you're sick of me!

I know I told him that. But deep down I just wanted him to say no I don't want it. But when he accepted it I became almost hysterical

I actually don't think it's H with the problem anymore. It's me.

Why would I take this?

Ok I was so happy. I love him. I had ds to bring him up together and never want to share him.

I believe I'll never find happiness like I had with H.

But I have no choice. He doesn't want me and has tortured me for 2 years, and now plans to let that continue for the rest of our lives.

Perhaps he is too weak to be honest with me. But actually I'm the weak pathetic one who can't see what's staring me in the face.

I think they just listen so you come to decisions for yourself

We want to make it right for you...and unfortunately the way to make it better isnt really the way you would choose to go at this point in time.

The problem is GW relys on you so much as soon as all is not rosy in his garden he will be throwing you crumbs again. Ideally you need to see him as little as possible can you arrange for DS to be handed over by other family members (there is a time when it will benefit him to see you being friendly but I dont think you are anywhere near that point at the moment)

Baffy .
Don't know what to say to you.
I know its not the done thing on MN but here,s a big ((((((((hug))))))).
I just wish I could come up and give it to you in person (and while I was at it I'd give GW and SG a few good hard slaps!).
xxx

Well at this point in time you share DS as much as YOU feel comfortable with...you will always be his Mum no one can take that away from you.

Well at this point in time you share DS as much as YOU feel comfortable with...you will always be his Mum no one can take that away from you.

Please don't apologise to us Baffy, we are hear for you no matter what! And our advice is free!

I am so sorry you are going through this, I really am. You are not weak and pathetic, you are in love with a man who you can't have. You are frustrated and heartbroken but not weak and pathetic. Please don't be s hard on yourself. You are just grieving all over again.

With regard to his parents, in a roundabout sort of way, H has done to you what his mother has done to his dad. Left the perfect family home and blown it all apart. You would have thought he would have learned from seeing his dad's heartbreak that it's not the way to go. Lot of love Baffy xxx

There is a reason why we know what you meant when you said you had "done something" thats because WE all did the same thing. Im sure most of us tried to cling to the relationship AND thought less of ourselves because of the behaviour of the man we loved.

I know I have been saying this since your "oh shit..." thread but it WILL get better but not until you grieve for it and let it go

Hi everyone xx

Apologies that this is only advice/comments to baffy but i havent the time to catch up with everyone at the moment but i will do i promise.

Just couldnt read and not post.

Baffy there are not enough words to express how much i feel for you right now. I totally understand that raw pain you are feeling right now and it breaks my heart that your feeling all this pain all over again.

Im totally shocked that h could do this too you. It been 2 years of planning and conniving. Im sorry baffy but i think its been pretty well played out. His even had you feeling sorry for him when ow has cheated on him!!

I know she is the ow and im sorry if this hurts you but i do feel sorry for her. She is a naive 20 yr old and he has played her the same as he has played you.

Getting her pregnant ensures that she is there trapped and dependant on him for at least the next 9 months. Do you really think he will give up going out and stay at home playing the dutifull father to be? No!!

His he going to move her in so he can take care of her? No!!

Whoever h was when you married him he is not that man anymore.

Also be very careful on buying a house until the divorce is through. After all thats gone on you cannot trust a damned word he says. Even his actions are lies.

Ask your solicitor if he could make a claim on the property? Money wise but also ask him under the land registry spousal rights could he put a charge on your new house simply because legally you are still married? They makes it a pita to sell and you would need to go to court to fight to sell without his permission.

I understand you want you own place with ds but for now wouldnt you be best off with your mum? Just whilst the reality of all thats just happened sinks in? You then have all the support right there and it will give you time to get your head together to deal with the praticallities of buying a house and his entitlements.

Just him coming and choosing a house with you i believe is part of some new idea he has of keeping a hold on you and money.

We all wanted so much for your relationship with h to work because its what you wanted.

Please dont torture yourself with images of them 2 being happy ever after with their baby. Because i gaurentee it will never be like that. He married you had a child with you. you were childhood sweethearts totally devoted to each other. Yet in 2 years time he has turned into a cold conniving git bag. Yet she believes he loves her and would never hurt her like that? His already slept with you when his meant to be with her and vice versa.

I think her asking to be friends is a cry for help i really do. She is young and she is scared. I think she may even see what h is really like but is so scared of being alone she puts up with it. Thats why i think she did what she did to you because she i s petrified of being alone but feels that you could cope. Does that make sense?

Im probably rambling here got kids going 'mum, mum, mum' of all the words in the english language that get stuck on that one!!!

Baffy i hope i havent said anything to upset or offend but i think everythings got to be looked at differently now with regards to h.

Youu really have got to distance yourself and concentrate on a life for the forseeeable future with just you and ds. You wont be alone forever. There is someone worthy of you and ds out there and oneday you will find him but for now all your love and strenght needs to be for you and ds only.

H is meant to be a man. He created this mess now its up to him to deal with it. And him and ow will be a mess.

If he reads this " h there are not enough swear words in the world to describe how low you are.You do not deserve the love that you have been incredibly lucky to recieve from baffy. You will never recieve that level of love again and i truely hope you end up a lonely old man"

OW " you helped cause untold pain to a beautiful special woman. That will come back one day to haunt you. If you think your special enough to gw that he will always cherish you think again. You will end up a single mum. And probably pretty screwed up to. I just hope by some miracle the child your carrying doesnt get caught in the middle.You can only hope to half the mother baffy is"

Way too long a ramble now im late for school run!! lol

We love you baffy and we will always be here.

And maybe we need to tour up to manchester soon!!

Love to everyone else xx

Baffy hi - I'm back at work today & feeling very fragile - just caught up with your news.

You know you won't get a slap from us - if anyone needs a good slapping, it's GW . I really don't forsee a happy ending for him and OW, honestly - so don't grieve that she's going to live the life with him that you'd hoped for yourself and DS. He's played you both and one day, he's going to be on his own.

Do you think it would be worth finding a different counsellor? I ask because DP said at Relate, that he'd stopped seeing his counsellor (he was in therapy when I met him 20 years ago), because all she did was listen (ahem, I thought the word 'counsellor' meant 'giving counsel'?) As a result, he used to just make things up to fill the void! The Relate counsellor agreed that it didn't sound helpful and suggested that there are different kinds of counselling and that he should try again, to find one who gives suggestions for coping strategies instead of just being a sounding board.

On the other hand, you get TFM on here for free !

You know, we really do need another meetup.

OK, so reporting on my garden session yesterday - though I hesitate to say anything as Baffy's crisis is far far worse than mine .

As GU said, the session really only scratched the surface - there is so much that needs saying. I asked DP whether he thought it worth pursuing when he comes off the tour. He wasn't exactly leaping at the chance, but has agreed to give it a try as I'm keen. We also discussed putting a TV point in DD's room as it really won't cost that much to set up - certainly less than selling up! And I urged him to see his doctor. He's very reluctant - he was on Prozac after his father died 10 years ago, and says it didn't help, just made him dopey. Now you girls are much more knowledgeable about ADs than I am, so tell me, am I right that there are several different types, with different effects? I still think he should try again. We have a new doctor whom I have only seen once with DD, but he seemed really nice and listened to DD very carefully. He dealt with DP's hernia very efficiently too, so I have confidence in him. I'll suggest DP makes an appointment for the next time he's home in late July.

We spent a pleasant evening after that - even cracked a bottle of bubbly in the garden before the football, and went to bed together instead of him crashing on the sofa as he has done all this week. So I am - tenuously - hopeful. At least things are coming into the open now. (shaky )

And Oh my Teabags (and Raffaella, welcome), thank you SOO much for all your love and support. You have seriously kept me sane through a ghastly week! Especial hug for you, Baffy, for even sparing me a thought when you are going through so much .

Hi Tanee

Just a quickie as I am about to go collect dd but, as alcohol is a depressent any antidepressent that DP takes will be ineffective. He really won't feel a benefit from taking any AD unless he gives up the booze.

Also, your idea about putting a TV point in DD's room may not be a bad one. We did that for DS and it gave us all some space, no arguments over who watches what, he gets his space, we get ours etc. So maybe that will be something that will be of benefit. I hope so anyway.

One last point, I don't think Baffy or anyone else will mind me saying this, no matter what your problem it is a just as vital to you as anyone elses is to them so don't ever not post because you feel your need is not as great. We are all here to help each other, no matter what xx

Hope you are ok Baffy, thinking of you xx