Glam & Fab Part 6 - The Summer of Discontent

[Tanee58]

Hope you all find your way onto this new one !

Oh Baffy - I am so sorry what a spiteful bitch she is and how weak is that ex of yours.

As I keep saying - you deserve better and I know how you feel about him but really there IS a lot BETTER out there.

And the poor child - what is sg going to tell her about her begining ?

The one thing she will never take away from you is that your ds made your h into a father, which is one of the biggest steps for a man.
I am now feeling sorry for her - she is already second best in every respect.

Baffy, I am so, so sorry. I wish you were nearer London, would so like you to camp out in my spare room. We girls need a personal support session.

Dior, yes, Tuesday is on my calendar

Everyone, Relate went ok yesterday, only wish we could go straight onto regular sessions. DP is obviously very low - and he looked such a mess, unwashed, unshaven, shoes falling apart - hard to see that gorgeous man underneath. He said he felt more stressed now than during all the buying and selling period before we moved - when I thought we were both enduring all the stress I could ever need, and when we moved, we vowed that we would live here till we rotted and never put ourselves through all that again! I told him quite frankly, that just as he hated coming home, I also found that although I looked forward to him coming, not long after he comes home, I'm looking forward even more to him leaving again! I hadn't said that to him before. It felt safer to say it in front of someone else. I also said that I loved him more than any man I've known and hoped we'd grow very, very old together.

The counsellor urged him to see his doctor about the depression and drinking. She was very kind and also suggested that, though selling may turn out to be the only way in the end, we should really first try my alternative ideas of renting the room and making space for ourselves for more privacy and freedom to do what he wants without DD in the way, AND he must get treatment and perhaps counselling for his depression. He tried counselling without success 20 years ago, so has rejected the idea since, but she pointed out gently that there are different types of counselling and he could hopefully find one that suited him and would give him coping strategies.

We haven't yet talked about yesterday, but he's just come in from a walk and gone to the garden, so I'm going out now to join him and hopefully talk without alcohol in our brains.

Wish me luck - boy I feel utterly, utterly drained! Thanks everyone for your support

GU, forgot to say I'm thinking of you. WIll he ever sort himself out? At least, for his DD's sake???? Big hug.

Right, off now to the garden...

Tanee that sounds good.
The trouble with selling though is that you still have to live somewhere dont you, and rents are going up so much at the moment too.

I hope he is brave enough to seek medical help too.

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Hugs for everyone can't believe it is so shit again ....will try and come back later and catch up properley - am finding this working single mum to 2 bloody hard work (and pretty relentless just of to the second round of bath/bed)....Baffy GU Tanee thoughts ....the rest doing ok yes???

Hello everyone

I'm so sorry this is all 'me me me' at the moment so I will do this update and then I will catch up with all of your news and be a proper friend again!

Ok nobody is to tell me off because there's a few things in here when I know you'll be thinking 'why did she do that'?!!

(And for the record I don't care who's reading it in RL - this is the truth and I'm not messing about with FB!)

H came with us today. 1.5 hours minimum each way in the car, when I knew ds would sleep, seemed to good an opportunity to miss. I needed to talk to him. I was physically sick last night and this morning over the scan.

We talked and talked. About how we'd got so close lately. How he felt happy at giving us another chance. And how this pregnancy has affected all that.

I'm going to see a house this weekend and he said he wanted to come to see it with us!

I then said I thought I could deal with this child and if we were together I would support him through anything.

Anyway. All good?! ..... Nope! It just didn't feel quite right. So for the first time I started to delve a little deeper. Rather than bore you for hours, basically, what I realised, is that H is never going to be the husband I want him to be. I couldn't quite get to the bottom of it. But in that 2 hour drive home, it hit me. He won't ever love me like I love him.

I droppped him off and on the drive home I decided to contact OW out of sheer madness/desperation/frustration... I can't explain why.
I said I bear her or the child no malice, but I'm sick to death of the games and I want H to start telling us both the truth. I just knew deep down that I wasn't getting it. And I guess I knew I'd get more from her!

She replied (both very calm! how amazing! maybe we will be friends afterall! ) anyway, she said that if H told her even once that he didn't want this child then she would not bring it into the world. She said it was conceived with them both knowing they weren't using contraception and he made her believe he wanted it as much as her. And it is H who has now begged that she keep it and promised he'll do whatever it takes to support her.

Obviously I didn't know whether to believe that. But given that I couldn't get to the bottom of what was up I knew there was a pretty good chance she was telling the truth. I just rang him. And it's all the truth. Everything she said.

That mistake (as he tells me!) unborn baby, matters more to him than his wife and current child.
(I know it's not as black and white as that. But seeing what I'm going through, the physical as well as emotional wreck I am due to this, then that's what it boils down to.)

Now ladies. He's not all bad. There was a lot of good there and that's why I loved him so much and tried so hard. But this is beyond low. He is still playing us off against each other, and whilst offering me a glimmer of hope (for a future he's trying to decide if he wants) he's still lying to us. Including lying to a 20 year old girl who's pregnant with his child and thinks there is a future for them too.

So... whilst I love you all for being so wonderfully supportive of me and H no matter what he's thrown at me, please please please will you give me a slap if you EVER hear me thinking of getting back with this man.

He does not deserve me. You do not play with the lives of people you 'love' and treat them in this way. No excuses. 18 months on and he's still doing it.

Confused/mid life crisis/difficult situation.... RUBBISH! No excuses left. I would rather be single than allow this man to keep treating me this way.

Thank you all so so much for the wonderful advice and support. I bet you're thouroughly sick of me. But this is closure. The only way now is forwards!

Dior/HW - if we really could arrange a trip down I would absolutely love to come and see you. If ds and I could get a little hotel maybe somewhere in the middle of you one weekend and then we could all catch up, either lunches, or an evening in the hotel maybe (ds is great in his pram and a glass of wine or 2 wouldn't go amiss! )

Right... proper catch up...

TFM - definitely triple congratulations for your wonderful children! You should be so proud that you have been such an amazing mum, in the face of some very difficult times, and look how well they're all turning out.
How is DP's Gran doing?

Ginnedup I'm sorry he's doing this again his poor dd too. I guess it is good you can shut the door on him now and leave him to it. Doesn't make it any easier though does it

Macd glad things seem to be going better for you. You sound so much stronger too. Keep up the good work!

Tanee I'm glad it went well and you managed to say some things you haven't been able to say before. Sounds like the counsellor gave him some very good advice. I really hope he takes it.

Glad PC is having a great time too

Baffy i really don't know whether this is out of order or not but he is a complete and utter selfish scumbag

How you can feel anything other than contempt for him shows what a remarkable human being you are! His behaviour is below contempt , he really does think he can play this game forever doesn't he. He is the weakest person i have (never) met! He has absolutely nobodys best interests at heart other than his own.

I really do believe 110% you and ds are better of without him. I am so sorry for you and ds and his family who must be thoroughly ashamed of him and his behaviour but somewhere along the way your husband and ds dad has dissapeared!

I really would leave them to it and more fool her to even contemplate having a child with this 'man' !

How

Sorry to rant but i really feel everyone on this thread has tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, think he would come to his senses and see you and ds for the wonderful people you are and he has let everyone down.

You need to draw a line under this you are right you deserve the love that you have shwon him back and m ore besides and he will never give it you or ds. Only when you tell him it's over and you follow it through will he ever begin to see what he has done , i fear he has never thought you would go through with it.

Much love to you and ds , did he enjoy his show ?

Thank you lily. That is just the sort of thing I need to hear right now. I am finally seeing it for myself. And I can't tell you the relief I feel

Ds was totally totally overwhelmed! We went to see the Wiggles. He loves them and knows EVERY song. He was absolutely silent! He just couldn't believe his eyes. He clung onto me the whole time and sheer amazement. It was brilliant

He's talked about it none stop since we got back. Brilliant day.

Brilliant day (aside from the H stuff I mean!)
But TBH I'm finally getting somewhere now. So in fact is was a good day all round.

Now... any of you have any attractive single friends...?!

DS will get you through this Baffy so every time you feel a wobble indulge him.

You have wasted 18mths of your life feeling shitty because of him and he really isn't worth another second of your time , thoughts or emotions.

TBH i think if you tell him it's over, that you won't do it anymore, that actually you aren't giving him permission to walk all over you and you won't be second best, proceed with the divorce and sort your new house /life out he will come running. And i hope that at that point you will be able to turn around and tell him goodbye you have moved on.

I know you will need to retain contact for ds which quite frankly is more than h deserves but you can do that at a distance.

This cannot consume you any longer and you have to focus on your life onwards and upwards, his without you is a downward spiral.

So glad ds had a lovely day did he see Jeff ?
My dd sings that song drives me insane

And DON'T take him to the house !!!!!!

Baffy do not ever, ever even in your wildest dreams think of getting back with that man (man - hah - think I'm being generous he is so pathetically immature)

I hope you will find the strength to just deal with the necessary regarding the divorce and DS. You have been emotionally abused for long enough.

Best wishes to you and DS.

Sorry, almost feel like I am intruding on a "private" thread but I've been reading this tonight and am at what's been going on.

I shall willingly give you the requested slap in future if you even think about taking him back.

Good luck to you Tannee as well.

Heck, why are relationships so hard sometimes.

Baffy - I think you are me about 6 months behind - I had very similar conversation with H and OW ....I would honestly take whatever that woman says with a pinch of salt or ten.....my H OW said much the same that SHE offered to go private for termination while we were on holiday of he paid half and he said to wait and see ...if I am completely honest I don't believe her - and though I have no doubt H played her as well as me - I really don't think he (wanted) this child - though have no doubt he loves it now....I honestly think these women are so obsessed with winning the man and beating us almost to the point of madness.....
You need to step back NOW - just back right off and concentrate on you and DS - I was physically ill as well and lost loads of weight (though I could well afford it and YOU my dear cannot)...let them sort their mess out....
I recognise well this feeling of losing him - of being worried that if you back off you will push him right into her arms so you fight and fight with everything you have to keep him even though there is a little voice whispering that maybe it really isn't worth it ....I think you have finally heard that little voice - mine is roaring at me right now
It has taken me a year to come to terms with his other child, a year to think about it without feeling physically ill and close to tears, a year to accept that it she will be part of my daughters lifes, a year to accept that its me that needs to decide what I want, a year to feel happy again deep inside.....you will too Baffy I know right now it feels like the end of your world/life and perhaps it is - the end of this hellhole that we have been living and the start of a new one, a better one, maybe with H maybe without it doesn't really matter either way.....
I heart you Baffy you are doing well even though I know you feel like you are breaking into little pieces....

Oh No Baffy. He's a real piece of work isn't he. How could he string you along again. I almost feel sorry for SG, seems he's been manipulating her as well (although she deserves all she gets imo, but the child she's carrying doesn't deserve parents like that).
This is the final kick in the teeth for you, but it sounds like its given you the strength to move on. I can't believe he was talking about looking at a house with you while he's also telling SG he'll support her. What a worm (in fact that's an insult to worms!)
Tannee I'm glad relate went well. It is such a shame you have to wait so long. I really felt that the counsellor got through to dp when we had our session, but she only scratched the surface. Sadly, by the time we get our appointment through I think we'll be history.
He's come round and apologised tonight and to his dd too, but both of us are at the end of our tether with him. We have a family holiday booked next month, and we are all still going as it is paid for and we don't want to disappoint the dc, but I really think that it will be over when we get back. I've seen such a nasty side to him this week (even when he was sober yesterday he was trying to make out it was my fault he kicked off at me, yeah my fault I happened to be in my house when he walked past I suppose!)
We had a really long chat tonight and he's admitted that he hasn't been going to his counselling sessions (he's been going to the pub instead ) he said he thinks he's too old to change and I should just accept the rough with the smooth and stop trying to change him. He also seems to assume he'll move back in after his lease is up in 6 months because I'll miss him so much I'll be begging him to come back. I don't think so. I told him unless something drastic changes between now and then I won't ever live with him again, his answer to that was "well what's the point - we may as well split up" He is so in denial, he will never change and I've been a fool for ever thinking he would.
So Baffy, if you do find that nice single man - ask him if he's got a brother for me!!
Sorry for ranting on and on - I'm just feeling so emotionally drained and crappy today.

PS. I'm so glad PC is having a good time. I wish I could take off in a campervan this week!!!

Me too
And I don't want a man am quite liking my own company these days

I just want a nice, uncomplicated, good looking, kind man with no addictions and no hangups - not too much to ask is it?
(but then if I ever found such a thing I'd be bored in 5 minutes )

Oh Baffy

We will get you through this and i really do believe there will be a queue of decent men waiting to take you out.

Good luck with the house hunting too.

The offer of a weekend away is still here if you ever need to just escape. Dior will vouch that my h really is harmless (although he was rather drunk when she met him ).

As you can see I have only just managed to catch up with you all.

School is winding down now - mine have only got one more week left and it is so hectic, so not much chance to read all this.

Morning all

It really seems like you are all coming to the end of the road with your other halfs Baffy/GUP/MCD/PC isn't it funny how life works !

At least on here there is always someone who knows how your feeling so hope you can all draw srength from each other.

I am going to meet a friend today who has just had a mc after getting pg and trying for years , in her 40's ! Seems so unfair when h and ow find it so easy Baf/MCD.

Have as good day as you all can

xx Lily

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I'm with Dior on that. Much as we hate seeing you unhappy Baffy, we totally support you and will be behind you 100% whatever you do. That goes for all of us I think.
I'm amazed at your (our?) capacity for forgiveness, we will forgive these men for pretty much anything won't we. All we want is to be put first and loved the way we love them.
Can you imagine if Baffy or MacD had had affairs, got pg and expected their dh's to pick up the pieces, or if me or Tannee constantly got drunk and nasty and blamed all our problems on our dp's? Or if Dior put her dh down and rejected him just for putting on a bit of weight?
We wouldn't see them for dust would we.
life's shit sometimes!

PS Hi Rafaella - come on in!!!