Glam & Fab Part 6 - The Summer of Discontent

[Tanee58]

Hope you all find your way onto this new one !

My goodness HW, your H sounds just like mine (again) - he says he is really scared of turning into his dad... he says his dad never really showed emotion, and believes you should stick with something and work at it whatever. So the opposite in effect to your H, but the same underlying fear, of turning into his dad... I'm trying to work out his weakest area at the moment.. I really think I have to show him I am still the woman he fell for all those years ago.

Baffy, I don't think I am an inspiration! But thank you, it brought a lump to my throat to read that from you, who has managed to put up with so much. Good for you being strong now, you do sound like a different person in your approach. Good luck with the financial talk - you should definitely not be funding him! He should be funding you..!

Anyway, children squabbling... off to play umpire...

Baffy unreasonable are you joking this is something that could never describe you.
One day h will realise how bloody reasonable you have been through all this.
Hope you can find strength to stick to your instincts on this.

PC he got it

HW wish i was going on hol in 3 days!

UC how are you feeling ?

to all

Quick one from me and apologies to anyone I haven't personally responded to.

Baffy - glad you enjoyed the wine God knows you deserve it. H is taking the piss big time. Put bluntly, he needs to finish with her and to make contact only when it is regarding the baby. He seems to lack the courage/inclination to do this.

Ginnny - glad you are enjoying the holiday. Hopefully you won't be affected by the red light district.

Dior - well done on the 8 points. Enjoy the hot chocolate. Well deserved

Job going well but caseload growing at some pace. It's a very busy team. Good in some ways, not good in others.

LL you hit the nail on the head there. and lily, finally, I have found the strength to stick to my instinct. I don't want to go into everything that happened tonight as so drained, but you would all have been so so proud of me.

For the first time I looked him straight in the eyes and said I would do whatever it takes to make our relationship work, including accepting the child, but I need exactly the same in return from him. 100%. I said if he can't give me that I'm walking away and I will build a life for me and ds away from all the hurt and pain.

Do you know what, for the first time since this whole sorry mess started, I meant it.

I guess I've finally realised that I can be happy without him (in fact I may be happier without him!) and actually, I know exactly where the boundary is. Either I'm with someone who loves me as much as I love them and shows me that every single day through words and actions. Or I'm better off alone and happy with my beautiful baby.

Oh my god I feel like a weight has been lifted. I promise I haven't been drinking!

I promise promise promise that you will not get another post from me saying I've backed down or accepted any more crap. It's all or nothing with him now.

And do you know what, as much as I feel devastated to the core that my marriage may finally be over for good, I have this tiny tingle of anticipation of a fresh start, clean slate, and new life. Without the baggage. Either way, the future is going to be good and I'm going to make sure of that!

Baffy, I'm so glad I logged on now... WELL DONE!! You sound so upbeat. I think you should go to bed now, and try and sleep well. While I hope he goes back to wherever he is laying his head, and can't sleep because he's racked with fear that he's really losing his wife this time.

I am feeling ok, thanks Lily. I think the last 2 weeks have been a turning point for me. I am showing h that I really can get on without him, I am happier with the DSs and I'm sleeping better. I am told I'm looking good, so if h doesn't notice, someone else will one day. I really really think a lot of it is down to you ladies on here. I have heard a lot of sense on this thread. I have had such great advice, and it really does help to know you're not alone, doesn't it?

xxx to all of you.

Thanks UC

I totally agree. Hearing from people who have been through it and come out stronger at the other end, whichever way it goes, keeps you going on the darkest of days. I also think it's such a unique group of people on here, who invest so much time in helping others, and have some of the most fantastic advice ever! We'd pay professionals a fortune for all that!

There's also the fact that we've followed each other's stories for so long, and built up a knowledge of each other's history and some of the things we've lived through, and I think that a lot of us open up on here a lot more than we sometimes do to RL friends. It's easier without having to face people.

And the good thing is that sometimes, when you do need a slap or someone to tell you you're being an arse and to pull yourself together, you get that too! Even if you don't like it at the time you one day realise just how valuable the arse kickings advice and support has been!

Glad you're doing ok. You do sound like you're doing so well. And you are an inspiration! I was nowhere near as composed and focussed at your stage! In fact until tonight I never have been!

Just logging on to have a catch up and am so so glad to read your "news" Baffy Sorry I haven't replied to your email and text I've been thinking about all of you guys (including the new guys who I'm in awe of as well!).

Things are okay for me - the last couple of days have been shit tbh. DH is away at the mo dealing with the family crap we've had on our plate for the last few months. Thankfully it seems to be over now but I feel drained and exhausted by the whole thing. All my insecurities and worries about DH have had to be put on hold while we deal with the latest crisis - on the one hand I feel terrible for DH because his ordeal is truly dreadful but on the other hand, I feel so sorry for myself because I never get the chance to get the reassurance I need because I'm constantly battling with the shitty circumstances of life, none of which are down to me personally

Must go and do some work now It really is far too early!

Wow Baffy
Wish i had told you about the book a long time ago.
You are not being unreasonable at all - you have now put the ball firmly back in his court - if he chooses not to pick it up it is his choice and however much you want to help him you must leave it to him now. Good luck and stay strong. Things really cant get much worse now can they? .

UC - you really dont realise just how strong you are.
How are you going to make him see the 'old fun' you then?
Are you getting him to do his share of babysitting yet - to give you a chance to live it up do the supermarket shop?

Hi to everyone here - trying to catch up on washing the mountain i have here.

Hi HW - I'm afraid I've been crap at catching up. How are things with you? Last time I looked you were going on hols - did you have a good time?

Pants about the washing (pardon the pun!) if it makes you feel any better I've been up since ten to five working on a statement for work. I've finally finished and have to wake up sleeping beauty in a minute

Cash do you ever sleep?!

I'm sorry you're still having such a hard time. Totally understand how crap it is when you feel like all you ever do is support others, and deal with the fallout from others, when all you've ever done is be a good wife and mum and want a quiet life! It's exhausting isn't it. I hope dh can start giving you some of that support in return now.

HW I don't think he will pick up the ball. Truly. He'll hope I'll back down again and we can go back to this 'nothingness' where he doesn't have to make any decisions, I'll bend over backwards no matter what, and... most importantly to him... he can keep OW sweet.
No chance.
After a good night's sleep my resolve is usually weakening but I feel stronger than ever. His cheery message this morning just made me want to scream "did you listen to a word I said last night?!"

I'm taking the distance myself approach though. Have said it all. Am done

Only a quick one as working. Trouble is H isn't doing any sitting for me. I sort out my own sitter if I need one, as does he. I have to rely on seeing him when he picks up/drops off the DSs. Having to think of other ways to get to him....

Keep it up Baffy...

Thanks UC

I'd try the approach of looking gorgeous when he's picking them up, and hurrying them a little bit as if to show that you have plans and need to get out of the house too. Even if you then sit alone and read a book!

Or do a similar thing when he's dropping them off. Be smiley, gorgeous and hurry them in a little bit (at the same time hurrying him away!) saying come on boys, need to get you washed/cleaned up and into some nice clothes, chop chop etc! Again, you don't have to say anything to him but just your actions and the way you're looking will have him wondering!

Or have a 'friends' car - nice big flash one of couse outside your house (he is not to know whos it is and if he asks just say - oh a friend popped over). Try and get the car he would love - wish i was closer i would do it for you - we have a couple of flashy cars and one has a personal NP!!
They are flash cars but very old and actually are hs hobby too before you all think i am the rich bitch .

Have emailed you too uc with some more ideas.

Baffy you sound so much stronger than i think you have ever sounded - how did the talk about money go?
It can go 2 ways now - he picks up the ball and starts to show you he is committed (and dont be too hard on him he may have the odd slip up!!) or you are right in that he is too weak at the moment - in which case you have saved yourself some more weeks of heartache and uncertainty.

I think he may well wait for you pick it up for him - but if you dont he will try again if a few weeks - by which time we will have you so strong and that boundary so well defined you can only win. He will pull out all the stops for you then. You will then be in a position to see if that is still what you want - or maybe even move those boundaries again .

Anyway thinking of you.

Thanks HW. The talk about money is what set it all off again. It went well in that he 100% knows that I've been more than reasonable for far too long. But when it comes to solutions, or actions, he just doesn't have any!

I can't spell it out any clearer though.

He's moving out of his flat next month into a tiny bedsit that is actually within his budget. I think that will be a massive turning point for him. Seeing that life is not all roses and luxury 100% of the time. A single dad, on a low wage, with 2 separate families to support, and living in a grotty bedsit all alone...

2 years ago he had a beautuful home and garden, a brand new car, 2 holidays a year and everything he ever wanted. Not to mention a wife and son by his side who idolised him.

The grass is rarely greener!

And I have everything I need and everything in place to buy a new house and start all over again.

hi all, mental busy so just popping in.

baffy, on the good side at least H is taking some responsibility and facing reality in that he is giving up the flash pad. personally i think this is a real indication of a turning point. H really started to improve when he took on his own place.

glad you're resolve is sticking and even if it didn't and you waver, you know we are all still going to be here for impartial ass kicking

another 2 phone calls yesterday and a late night text saying he misses me. more emails today. can a grown man become a changling like babies?

more and more there are shades of the man i married.

on the down side, i had a very weird dream which brought a few other things into focus. still very much questioning if there is any real hope or even desire for anthing other than an amicable co-parent thing.

worried that the more H comes to the table the less I want it and how hard would it then be to tell him that

I am utterly exhausted with having had a houseguest all week. DM here this eve then houseguest back again tomorrow eve. I just want my own quiet little flat to myself !!!

Taking dd to see Halvorsen on Friday.

PC Dont worry about whether you will want him at this stage - you are allowed to change your mind at any point - he has caused this and so if it does not work out he will only have himself to blame and not you (although we all know he will have to use you as a scapegoat - you wicked woman leading an innocent man on like that ). That is what i tell myself too from time to time. Even if i decide to call it a day now i have not done anything wrong except regocnise that i cannot live like this. It gives me a degree of power as i will only stay whilst things are good and going the way i want. I do too still feel bad about the fact that i really dont think i could now say 'for better for worse'. But hey ho lets hope i dont have to test that one.

Baffy - maybe the bedsit will be the reality check he needs - so far he has lived in a fantasy world where everything always seems rosey. Like being on holiday. All i will add is hope he really hasnt left it too late and can i come to your new houswarming .

Still very warm here - nearly done all the washing now got to make sure the kids dont start wearing the clothes i am going to pack for them .

Hi everyone, and WELL DONE Baffy - as the others have said, you sound so much stronger, more positive, more in control. Keep it up!

I've had a good day yesterday doing very little with DP and his Spanish friends. The wife doesn't speak english, but certainly tries speaking in spanish with lots of gestures, and I nod and smile and then say no comprendo (I have no spanish at all) and hope her husband comes back in the room soon to translate! . She seems very nice though and shares her name with DD (who was very embarrassed, after doing GCSE Spanish, that SHE couldn't understand her either!)

One nice thing was that after I went to bed last night, DP and his friend talked till 3am and that included talking about us and DP's stress over the finances etc. His friend told me this morning that he's as sure DP doesn't want to lose me, as I am desperate not to lose him, so that gives me the strength to keep fighting for us. DP certainly seems more relaxed at the moment and seeing his friend, whom he's known since college, must have done him a world of good. Especially since men don't usually talk about these things to each other. I'm sure Friend would have told him what he told me -that when he was first married and living on a very low junior lecturer's salary, he and his wife had huge rows about money - but they've managed to survive 25 years and produced two lovely children together. So it CAN be done!

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Baffy - I am so glad you are feeling focused I was worried I was being a bit outspoken but problem is I really meant it. You are a strong woman. I have a real sense that you are from your posts on this thread and from my thread when you were very supportive to me. Loving an errant, weak husband doesn't make you less strong but having boundaries and staying focussed will help you so much - whatever happens. Yes, you need to do what is best for you and your son in the long term..........with or without h. He needs to step up. A cheery text..........still avoiding I fear.

Have a great holiday HW/Rich Bitch

Maybe i will now change my name to Rich B. I tried HW as i wanted the initials like UC but it was already taken have also noticed there are a couple of others with HW initials and even i am getting confussed.

Any other ideas for a name change greatly recieved.

Just had a panic about

whoops - sorry about that
Just had a panic about how long you need on a childs passport to go to spain. Phew it looks as if you only need a valid passport - anyway fingers crossed - there is at least 3 months left so it should be ok.

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Dior are you his wife or slave

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