Glam & Fab Part 6 - The Summer of Discontent

[Tanee58]

Hope you all find your way onto this new one !

Well done PC and LL on the job front Much deserved! Congratulations!

Thanks for all the support too.

Had another brief chat last night re his freinds wedding, I spelt it out again what I'd said the night before. Then he went all stressy and wouldn't speak, clammed up, the usual... so I am leaving him too it.

He's obviously not that bothered. Out last night with one friend, out tonight with another, working in the bar on Saturday... so I'm dammed if I'm sitting in thinking this through while he's out spending money he doesn't have and having a laugh.

I'm just backing right off now. 100%. Either he'll come to me or he won't but despite all of this I do feel stronger than ever and I'm not backing down this time.
Thanks HW you're spot on again.

Now just have to face the hell that is also known as work!! Tanee I completely understand how you feel! Roll on Friday night...

btw UC I think you're doing so well and being so strong. Not sure I could have done that at your stage. You seem to be so level headed about it.
How are things with him at the moment?

Oh Baffy
He is being a spoilt child - if he doesnt get his way he sulks. Now you know you are better off without him dont you?
I have a rule that i will not tolerate behaviour from people that i find unacceptable in my children and that seems to be a good rule so far .

If he truely wants you he will take that risk and cut out ow and come to you - and it will be a scary thing for him. But you have told him soooo many times and it just isnt sinking in yet.

Stay strong - you are doing well and you have proved to yourself that you do not NEED him now.

UC i will try and cat you with my email.

Couple more thoughts before I open the office door and face the never ending line of whinging staff...

PC and LL glad you got the pizza and clothes - you deserved it and yes, you are so worth it!

LL on the pregnancy front too I agree with you on it and it's something you should definitely not rish into until you feel 100% ready and secure again. LO's bring so so much joy, but at the same time can put a strain on the strongest of relationships. So you're totally right in what you're saying.

Look at you baffy - still thinking about others when you have all this on your plate - you really are amazing - i hope you know that by now.

UC my cat needs renewing - so if TFM could pass on your email to me or mine to you i would be greatful.
Baffy also has mine as does dior - and i have put it on facebook in the past too so you may be able to find me somehow. Just dont want to put mine on here though.
I may get around to renewing my subscription today too.

Thanks HW

I'm honestly ok. He's hard to communicate with at the best of times. When it's something serious he just clams up and wants to hide. Or go out and have a laugh and forget it all!

The strange thing is that I do know in his own way he is really trying. He's a different person to the man he was just a few months ago.

And I feel like such a bitch saying that when he's finally trying, it's not enough. But it's just not enough!
I've had a taste of what it's like to go out with someone who really wants to be with you and makes that known to anyone and everyone. And if I can't have that from him then I don't want anything. I love him to bits. But I'm so fed up of feeling second best and somehow 'lucky' to have him! I want that feeling to be mutual. And if not I'd rather be alone.

UC I'll CAT you now xx

Thats it baffy - you know yourself better now and its ok to set new boundaries for any new relationship from now on be it with h or someone new!

He was the one that messed up and so he needs to now mend those things. Does he go and see a counsellor at all - it may help him see where he is going wrong.

For a while i think it was the only time i saw the 'real' h and now he is so much better at communication on every level.

Have a good day everyone.

Oops UC it says on your preferences you have chosen not to receive CAT... you can either amend that or I'm sure if you contact TFM she'll pass on the details.

May mention the counsellor again HW. He gave it up becuase he just lied his way through every session then couldn't understand why he was getting nowhere!

morning all.

you can still recieve CAT even if your subscription has run out, you just can't send them.

baffy, good on your for standing your ground. it's good that you can understand why he's behaving the way he is but that's doesn't justify it. i think you're doing the right thing because if he can't change himself in this critical way then you're never going to be able to grow your relationship going forward.

had a bit of a blip here last night which spoiled my evening and meant i barely slept. don't want to go into detail but had some un-invited contact from someone on the periphery of my situation. content was a bit upsetting. rang h, he said he'd ring back but didn't

he's rung this morning tho and it's all sorted out now.

am glad it's sorted as thru the night i felt very sad that it looked like we were going back into the dark days and i was prepared to cut all contact again (slight knee jerk reaction but had had some wine!).

gave me yet another insight into how far we have to go tho and also really whether it's possible to get over everything at all.

something also happened at the festival that freaked me out which again was me over-reacting (altho justifiably given the history).

at least now H is willing to discuss these things rather than clamming up and becoming unavailable.

that helps a lot but again, it really highlights how much damage has been done to the trust.

I'm really glad he's communicating with you PC. It really is a massive step in the right direction.

Remember, you've been in this limbo for a long time, don't be hard on yourself over making decisions overnight. Take one day at a time and see how it goes. You're obviously making progress. If it continues in the right direction then you never know what might happen!

And when you say 'justifiably' given the history, please always remember that. H had a massive issue with me on Wednesday for the fact that I have a problem with a girl he works with, who has made no secret of how much she likes him, staying at his flat.
He said he 'wasn't used' to being quizzed on his actions and doesn't see why I'm overreacting about it?!

Now 99% of me does believe that he only sees her as a friend and the attraction is very much on her side. But I honestly can't believe that he couldn't understand, given what he's done!, why I would have a problem with her staying over!

So, with my ramble aside, I think until they can understand and empathise with our reactions to things (in the same way as we do for them, day in, day out!) then it's a non starter anyway.

That was a massive turning point for me on Wednesday and made me realise just how far H has to go with accepting responsibility for his actions and understanding exactly what he needs to do/say to start putting it right. Some of these things we really shouldn't have to spell out!

only v quick as have to do pick up NOW!! Have changed my preferences so I can be "CAT-ed", whatever that means!

And baffy, I would be very p'd off about someone from his work "staying over". Much more annoyed about that than any lap dancing club where the girls are just paid to do a job... You sound very strong. Keep it up girl!

PC - i know everyone thinks you need to have trust to have a good relationship but it is a complicated issue that is just not going to go away.

H knows now that i will never ever trust anyone again the way i did - that is just a sad fact of what has happened. It is just like any other scar and although you cannot see it- it is there and always will be. I have to learn to live with it as much as anyone else in my life has to. Call me a cynic now - it is not always a bad thing though. I think of it like any other loss it has gone it will not come back all you can do is learn to live with it. That sounds harsh i know but rather than fighting it just try and accept it and find new statagies for dealing with it.
I once read somewhere that one solution would be to set up a fund so that if ever the doubts creep in there is money for a PI. Sounds a bit extreme but just being able to think and find a solution is enough.
I suggested to H that he allow me to 'track' his mobile phone - now i know that sounds distrustful but the fact that i said it and h understood why i may want that was enough. It is bit like the having nothing to hide - it sort of makes me feel safe and i dont feel bad that i dont trust him iyswim.

Baffy maybe he would be willing to see a counsellor alone where he would be a complete fool to lie.
My h lied to the counsellor too at first - what an utter waste of time and money that was.

UC if you are able to cat me please do - my subscription has run out but when i renew i will cat you.

quickie for me too, under an avalanche of work and deadlines!

HW, at this stage for me the trust is about him going AWOL and shutting down etc again rather than anything else.

okay gotta write this report!

Also baffy
I too would be angry at him allowing another woman into his flat - even if it is only just friends (sorry thats what nearly all ow start off as and say they are ). Real friends help families stay together not destroy them.

The other thing i dont like about the aftermath of this is that i really dont trust woman as much as i wish i did.
I am very wary of any woman getting too close to h now - it is a thin line that crosses.
And just to have a rant - even though it is not the ow responibility to the wife - she does know that what she is doing will hurt but chooses to justify it with the wife is not her concern. What a sad society we are bringing our children into if we teach them those type of morals, 'dont give a f* about xxxxxxx as they are really nothing to you and you dont 'owe' any other human anything.' aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

PC
It is still a trust issue - there are somethings i can trust h with totally and always did - looking after the children and providing for their needs. I have always trusted him with money.
It is about allowing your life to be defined by what they may do again iyswim.
Until your h has 'proved' himself you do not have to 'trust' him.
You may never fully trust him (or other men for that matter) but does that really matter if you know that is one of your fears - as long as you are honest about it?
Like i said i dont think i would ever 100% trust any man again - as h knows this he has stepped up to the mark and really has done a lot to aliviate my fears.

But do you know what - you can trust yourself to be able to cope if you had to. I do find it hard to think that as i dont want to cope alone and i sometimes think by thinking the worst makes me feel worse - but i do know i can rely on me and that is far better in the long run (if not as romantic).

Time will tell and as h tells me often he is going to prove to me over the years that it was a massive mistake and while he sticks to this mantra i am happy .

I'm glad you don't think I'm being unreasonable about her staying over.

He honesly couldn't see at first why I was so thrown by it and why I got a bit jealous/questionned him etc..

He said I was being a bit unreasonable because he's 'told' me it's not 'like that' between them.

To be fair though I really haven't gone on about it. I made it clear I wasn't happy and said that if we are to make a go of this it's something I wouldn't see as acceptable. I won't mention it again.

Which means one of two things. He'll take that on board and not let it happen again.
Or lie next time she stays.

What were you saying about trust HW...

I give up!

p.s. HW I know you've been through hell. But I'm so so pleased at the outcome you've got from it and the way he is being. You deserve it so much

PC & LL, congrats on the jobs - it's great to get some credit. I'm still alive - and sorted out the shower pump last night, so gave myself a pat on the back. Work is mad again - where HAVE all the interns gone? Surgery very stressful with two paranoid people in - it's so sad when you meet people who think they are being followed or victimised, and you KNOW it's probably in their heads. 17 phone messages and now 12 pieces of casework on top of the rest. Roll on 5pm and I am OUT of here!

Baffy, as someone else said, would H go for counselling on his own - and be honest? He seems so immature and unable to face up to anything difficult. He needs to look at why he is like this, and realise that taking the easiest way does nothing but harm the people he professes to love. I so admire the stance you've taken. OK he doesn't like it, but it's the only way to make him face up to the consequences of his own action/inaction.

Thanks baffy

It doesnt matter how silly it seems to others if there is a particular thing you find uncomfortable you really do owe it to yourself to let him know.
And actually i dont think you are being unreasonable at all.
He just seems to want everything on his terms or not at all iyswim.

What is happening with the ow - surely she is not happy that he is not going to live with her after all? Has it all gone quiet there now.

BTW H is in bed having put his back out - he hates being ill in anyway so i am keeping out of his way.
This is definitely karma - as he would have zero sympathy for anyone who even dared to say they had a bad back and couldnt come into work. He is working from home so is still able to talk on the phone and keep up with emails. But he will be impossible if it means he cant go in on monday.
Shall i go and ask him for a quickie????.

Tanee hope you get home in time to enjoy some of the lovely sunshine.

Tanee well done with the shower!
Totally agree about roll on 5pm!! You don't fancy a night out tonight do you?! It's FRIDAY and I have NO plans it's just not good enough!

We had couples counselling which was a sham. But H went to an individual counsellor which was sorted out through his GP. He lied to her for the whole time too.

I just don't think he's ready to face up to what he's done. It's too painful for him and admitting what he's done out loud will mean he finally has to take steps forward and face it.

I will definitely suggest the counselling again though. I think you're all right. I've made my position clear. There's nothing more I can do. But he clearly needs help.

I just got a text saying how sorry he is, that he loves me, wants to be there for me and wants to be with me. But he knows he's a 'fuckup' and is 'coming across all wrong' and he just doesn't know what to do about it...

Positive in a lot of ways.
But so bloody frustrating too!

There is still something fundamentally wrong. And I don't think I'm the person to fix it. He has to do this himself.
All I can do now is focus on myself and ds and hope with all my heart he can sort this out.

I will suggest the counselling.

Thanks xx

Hey just realised - i have what all woman want. Their man in bed unable to actually move or even argue too much. Im off to the shops - put in your orders ladies.

He also cant drink cos of the painkillers .

And while i am here wasting time catching up with friends he is thanking me for looking after him.

offer to send it onto ow - he is totally incapable of cutting her out so he needs a hand to do it .

See i have too much time today to think up evil plans.

Wish you were closer to me baffy i could do with sharing a bottle of wine in the garden ths evening.

Go for it HW!!

Regarding OW - it's all quiet as he's said he won't live with her, she now has this 'back-up' rich bloke who she's now looking to move in with, and in the meantime she is hoping to make H insanely jealous of that, so he'll want her back, and she's making it very clear that she calls the shots with this baby and I'm never seeing it.

She's all quiet as she's working on her plan and I know exactly what she's doing.

The new guy is a meal ticket and a way to push H's buttons. That's very clear and H knows it too. But he's serving a purpose while she works on getting H back.

The minute she gets the slightest hint that H and I may get back together and live together, she will go mental and everything will change. I'll bet my life on it.

And suddenly, rich, supportive, handsome new bloke will be the abuser from hell who is torturing her and will be a threat to her child and she can't possibly do any of it without H as she is now going to be homeless. Of course none of it will be her fault. And she thought this guy loved her. And H's child will suffer forever unless he's there for her and only her... I bet my life I honestly do!

Which is why I've been pushing H so much that if he is genuinely serious about us, then she needs to know. Firstly so we can face the resulting hysterics and blackmail. But secondly, and I believe more importantly, so she realises that if she chooses to bring this child into the world she is doing so with H's full support as a co-parent, but with no expectations of them becoming the perfect family.