Glam & Fab Part 6 - The Summer of Discontent

[Tanee58]

Hope you all find your way onto this new one !

Baffy well done that can't have been easy to say or for him to hear.
Did he respond at all ?
At least your cards are on the table but if he didn't agree with what your saying. You are right 110% is the least should be putting in but can he ? Until he tells her it will always be 50/50 and edging his bets

Tannee glad he rung hope the texts follow soon !

UC you sound so strong well done can't believe you can't find time in your diary to meet him lol !

HW know what you mean about finding suitable activities for dc's of different ages beyond the park/zoo i am also struggling. Ds wanted to do bowling not with a baby and 3 year old but luckily my friend took him today. Now just need someone to take him to pics as he wants to see Walle but i know dd2 would cry the minute we got there!

Well the sunshine has just come out here so going to leave the ironing and sit out in the garden and then dp rang saying to meet him at the pub after work for a drink albeit with dc's but they have little park for them. Can't believe it but me and dp haven't been out together since my birthday last November !

Hope everyone else having nice day

I think he's willing to give me the space. In fact I think he finds the whole serious communication thing so difficult that if I walked away now he would be glad of the easy life!

I'm probably being unfair there. In his own way he genuinely is trying. He's just absolutely useless at communication and reassurance. The first thing is what led to the affair in the first place. The second is the reason that I'm unsure if we'll get through this.

He texted before as we're due to go away together to his friend's wedding in a couple of weeks and were planning a few days away either side of it. I've said we need to discuss it as I'm not sure I wish to go anymore given the current state of things between us. He just said 'no worries' with a sad face.

He just hasn't got the fight in him I really don't think he has. I'm going to give him the chance. But I'm not fighting for both of us alone any more. Either he steps up to the plate and starts acting like my husband who loves me and puts me first, or he can go and do this alone.

Thanks Tanee xx

(I'm having major major issues in work you'd think I was managing a team of 12 year olds not grown adults!!)

Lilyloo, have a lovely evening in the pub. - and hope you manage to see Walle - it got a great review on Radio 4 last week - now I want to see it too.

x posts - thanks lily xx

p.s. Tanee good luck with the text thing we shouldn't have to hint should we! Glad he phoned though

Baffy, you are quite right - it seems as if, so far, you have done all the hard work - he seems to bend depending on which wind blows strongest - you or OW. Perhaps if you step back, he may learn to stand up for himself - or he may not. But you are so strong, that whatever happens, you will have the better, happier life - with or without him. I just wish we could all give him a kick up the backside and tell him to be a MAN!

Oops, x post again .

No Baffy, we shouldn't have to hint. He said he'd stopped texting me because I never had my phone on (it was old and playing up). So I bought a new phone - and he STILL doesn't text unless I text first - and sometimes not even then.

(Heaves a big sigh at men in general and tries to get back to work)

Baffy
He is just not strong enough to do anything. Him doing nothing means he does not have to take responsiility for what is happening to him. If he is sad it is not his fault .??
He will still say - he wants you and then somehow make you feel that it is YOUR fault that the marriage failed (i'll put money on it).

I know you want it to work out so much - but he has not only broken your marriage he is smashing it to pieces and not even seems that bothered.
I sometimes have thoughts that our lovely marriage is spoiled forever - and like a picture do we try to 'rub out' the mistake or do we start again with a whole new picture? Believe me it is not easy piecing it back together but you do at least NEED to KNOW that you are both working on the same thing.

Exactly HW. And I'm so drained in fighting for this when all he does is keep running back to OW and smashing it all to pieces again.

It was hard telling him all that. But this is the last and final time, and I won't back down. It's clear how much I love him and how much I want it to work. But he HAS to give me that same level of committment back or it's just not worth it.

I'm not going to be back to square 1 in a year's time, with him walking out again, and starting the whole grieving process again, just because we tried to save the marriage with totally different expectations and agendas. We're just not working as a couple. He's not putting the same effort in as me.

I don't even expect him to act the same as me. He's a different person and does things in different ways. But you know when you can just tell that we're not yet on the same wavelength.

I'd rather walk away now and start getting over him than have 12 months of half-hearted crap just to get my heart broken again.

It really is time for him to start being a man. You're so right.

And after that wonderful week with ds I finally feel strong enough to see this through. Whichever way it goes.

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Baffy, what you said sounds fantastic. You are spot on. You have laid it on the line for H. Now it is up to him. Well done! Just don't give in now. Stay strong. It is really really hard, I know. Keep reminding yourself of TFM's advice, which I've seen often on here - you have to keep strong, let him do the running, don't cave in. Take time for yourself. Wear make up, wear heels, whatever makes YOU feel good. Let him see it - he needs to see the beautiful woman he is risking losing forever. If he is not prepared to fight for you, he is not worth having. I know that sounds harsh, and I am struggling with this myself. But it has to be 100% from him, or there's no point.

I am so thinking of you.

It makes me how OW is trying to make you look like the other woman. Try not to consider her. It is her gut reaction talking. If she wants her baby to see its father, and he decides to be with you, she will just have to accept that you are there. She has no right to dictate. Let H fight that one though, it is not your battle. Fight one front only, and put your energy into yourself.

UC thanks so much that's a brilliant post

Such good advice over OW too.

Dior I do think you're right too - just not 'enough'. That's the problem. Well have to see if he can now prove it's enough or lets me go... either way at least I know where I stand and I'm not kidding myself any longer.

Great news about the weight loss too Dior Sounds like they're really keen to have you back. Bummer about the fight last night but it's great you got it sorted so quickly.

Off for a bottle glass of wine now me thinks!!

Dior - congratulations! I'm still walking to work - even though it's actually too hot! I need the exercise just to declutter my mind from work. Today has really stressed me out. No one else but me to do everything, all the interns seem to have disappeared, some ahole at the council complained about a letter one of the interns sent (it wasn't a very polite letter, but he IS still an ahole and what the letter said was true and actually made me laugh when I read it), a woman in tears on the answerphone, EVERYONE on the answerphone, still haven't finished casework from surgery 3 weeks ago and I have to do surgery again tomorrow, so will have 12 more cases - I feel like everyone's shouting 'me me me' and I haven't enough time.

So - deep breath and a walk home, a nice shower and a quiz night with my old PTA chums. We haven't met since my birthday and I was beginning to feel I had NO friends. But will enjoy tonight.

Baffy, we're all behind you. I know it's so very hard, you love him - but it seems like the man you love isn't there at the moment. You've fought long and hard for him - now he must fight for you.

Well done dior - dont race too far ahead of me though please .
September is my starting date proper but i feel a lot more in control now too and even though i know i probably wont lose lbs between now and then it is not an excuse to stuff my face until then.

Baffy - was thinking of you and do you know what you really want? Someone who will shout from the top of the buildings just how much you mean to him. There are men out there who would do that for you, maybe even h did in the past. But for now for whatever reason he can't. Who knows maybe one day he will and maybe you will still have him back then - but until you know he wants to do that you must just leave it to him to figure it out for himself. Sorry feel so sad for you - but i have been there too and i remeber that emptiness and blackness of what my future held. I honestly dont know how i got through it but i did and i think even though it was only for a short time i learnt a lot about who i was and i am always grateful for that.

We are with you and will support you always, words i know you wish someone else would say but i hope we will do for now at least.

Take care

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Baffy - totally agree with the wise ladies on here and UC's post particularly good. Lawyers eh..............no flies I agree entirely with your position on this. You cannot fight for both of you. He needs to step up. How bitterly disappointing for you after investing hope, energy and time in having him back Well done for having that chat with him. He is burying his head in the sand. Head needed to be pulled out. Sand needs to be concreted over. Passive men eh

Dior - well done for the weight loss

Thanks all to the posts about my situation. Glad you agree. I just envisage feeling more vulnerable if I get pregnant.

Good news. H went for a job interview and has been offered the job. He's going to take it. Obviously I am happy for him cos it's a great development opportunity. Most of all though, I'm pleased he won't be working with OW any more.

My job going well though no such luxury as an easy induction. Straight in doing injection clinics and duty work. Enjoying it though. Looking forward to weekend. A luxury to be off at the weekend Lilyloo - you're right.......the location is not good for my finances. Bought a top, cardi and bag this week but I am so worth it

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evening all

baffy, god I so feel for you. we seem in remarkably similar places, as ever! at least you've taken the bull by the horns and laid it on the line for him.

i have yet to do that with H.

dior, well done and glad the row was resolved with H.

tanee, glad DP called and impressed with your plumber-ing

hw, your thoughts and advice are really great. it's so useful to have a view from the other side of the fence and you sound really positive too. hope the starvation diet works as well as you'd like. i'm eating for england at the mo, permanently hungry. i think i am exhausted tbh.

lily & TFM, glad you're enjoying the holidays. dd is away with grandma and i miss her little (never ceasing) voice but she's a treasure when i ring and yells "i LOVE YOU Mummmmmmeeeeeeeeee" DM tells me she did a poo in the playground today LOL. Silly DM forgot the portapotty pmsl!!

well, i am utterly drained. work is crazy and what was supposed to be a relatively early night out last night wasn't due to other people being late

am am revelling in having the flat to myself tonight and just ordered a pizza. can't afford it but bugger it!

I am celebrating, I had my review today and it was excellent. I have exceeded (this time year was a partially met ) and I know it's a justified grading too. It feels good to be recognised and all positive for the promotion which I'm told should be by September.

My friend arrives from O/S tomorrow and we are going out tomorrow evening so really looking forward to that.

Only blot on my landscape is that asbo boy is back and the floors are shaking again. Might just give him a taste of his own medicine tomorrow night tho!

Hope everyone else okay and trucking along.

Sorry if I've missed anyone, I really am deadbeat tonight.

LL, well done on the job front. I'm positive you're worth a few treats too!

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Well done PC and LL on the job fronts!

I just want to say that my post earlier was really cribbed from TFM... so don't give me too much credit. Also, I'm good at giving advice, not always so good at following it myself...

thanks

UC, I am the grand master at giving good advice and totally not following it myself

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although I am doing very well following her advice at the moment, in fact I appear to have become obsessed with what I am calling "Operation Husband". It is like an undercover spy operation. Basically trying to do exactly what I told Baffy to do earlier, and show him the me he married, rather than the downtrodden wifey me who was always worried about what to do for tea and when to get DS2 to have a nap, and all those boring things we mothers do worry about.

Spent the evening so far going through financial stuff so my head is clear. Happywoman, can you pass on your solicitor's top 5 tips? We could probably all do with them...!! Thanks so much for your offer of mailing. I don't know how to CAT??? Do I have to pay? If so, TFM has my email, does she have yours? We could get in touch that way...?