New husband turned nasty within the space of months…wtf?

[Sillygirl1988]

I just want to get some perspective. I got married in October last year. We’ve been together 5 years. One son DS age 4. I don’t fully understand what’s happened but in the last 4 or so months my husband has got progressively nastier and nastier to me to the point I can’t really speak or engage with him because everything is just a dig at me. He’s just getting meaner and meaner and I don’t know why??

It’s hard to put into words but as an example, I only work a half day on Monday. I made a huge effort to go stock the fridge up, come home, clean up and pre cook everyone’s dinner ready. Knowing that my son had sports day and my husband was taking him and then staying for a picnic, I got lots of salady bits in - mini sausages, fruit, nice bread. He went mental and asked me “where the hell is the chicken and beef to actually cook a meal” and that I’d only been to work a few hours. . He broke the glass on the oven door a few weeks ago. I asked if he’d managed to order a replacement. He said he couldn’t afford it (he’s just spent over £100 on trainers) and if I’m so bothered I can replace it myself.

writing it all down seems outrageous he’s acting this way. Everything I do is wrong. I got the wrong bin bags. I pack the dishwasher wrong now. He’s lovely and sweet to our son but suddenly it’s like he hates me!! I had a really important interview for a new job. He didn’t even say good luck or how was it. I’m staring to avoid being around him. Not that I have to avoid his calls or texts. He stopped texting me and calling me in the day a few months ago. I don’t understand what I’m posting for really. I just can’t see why it’s gone downhill so fast.?!

Could there be someone else?

That sounds horrific, I am so sorry. If there hasn't been a massive change - a house move, job change, bereavement - then I am at a loss to explain such a volte face as you have outlined. Have you spoken him about it? It sounds rough.

Spoken About it? He’d just blow up. I’d be trying to cause a fight. Apparently.

Don’t think there’s anyone else?

Yes, in my experience the nastiness often manifests itself if there is another woman.

He’s doing it because he’s horrible
it’s no way to live
It sounds like he’s looking for a way out of the relationship by being vile; you dump him and he has someone else waiting in the wings
spending £100 on trainers and acting unreasonable because the oven door is broken is petty and selfish

He could be looking to end the relationship and make it your fault

he could be abusive and now you’re married feels you can’t leave. Can you honestly say he’s never exhibited this behaviour before?

if you don’t feel you can ask him it’s not greaT - are you scared of him?

I don't see how you can avoid speaking about it - it's making your life unbearable. It might be someone else. He might have decided married life isn't for him. He could be having a bit of a settling down crisis - you've been together five years but have a son who is four - that all happened madly quickly and when the whirlwind dies down people look at where they have landed. You do need to talk to him though, we can offer you advice and support, but none of us know why he is doing what he is doing. As I said, I am so sorry, sending you strength.

You deserve better.

I would wonder if there was another woman. It would explain the seething resentment and being cold/aggressive: he is mean, you then leave or ask him to, he then gets out the marriage without looking like the bad guy. Do not know why some men play it like this but some do - too chicken shit to leave themselves but try and force your hand, ostensibly to deluded themselves into thinking it was you rather than their own shiity attitude.

Hmm, I would imagine there was a trigger of some kind 4 months ago.

That said, that is NO fucking excuse to treat your wife like literal garbage and his outbursts of anger are completely unacceptable.

I am quite feisty so if it were me, I'd be laying my cards on the table and forcing it out of him, I'd also be telling him to sort himself out or else I'd be leaving. You cannot live your life like this - it's miserable. I am so sorry

What an arsehole, you deserve much better than this, sorry but you’re better off without him.

Showing his true colours now he has his ring on your finger.

I believe you have to be married one year before you can divorce ?
Meanwhile you can get your ducks in a row. Only 3 months to go...

Thing is, if I try and address it he will start talking about it in front of our son. He has no filter. I don’t want him exposed to that.

Or did he marry you for your money- are you better off? Just tell him you want a divorce not ask tell him

No you need to do it when your son is at school or not in the house.

He sounds utterly vile - I dont know how you can even stand to listen to him breathing

"I had a really important interview for a new job."

Well, there you go. Sabotage starts in 3...2...1...

If you don't feel you can talk to him, I'd write him a letter/email whatever and lay it on the line. That you don't know what's changed but unless it changes back very quickly then the marriage is over.

You can't live like this. If he wants out then he needs to go. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to work it out. If its another woman, then the truth will out in the end. But you need to be firm that you're not willing to accept being treated like this.

You think he might resent my job? Why though?! That’s mental!

Abuse often ramps up when men think they have you trapped, you’re scared to confront him and know he’ll use your son against you. Call women’s aid for you some good advice on how to leave.

Do you earn more/have better prospects than him?

Not really- if it's a good job and he has a chip on his shoulder about not being good enough that could easily be enough to trigger it. Dony underestimate the pettiness of the male ego

I feel very much like I’m walking on egg shells.

I purchased the wrong sink scourers yesteday. Got told “not to buy them again”.

popped into m and s to buy my fave cocktail. It’s been a long week. Utter waste of money apparently. It’s literally everything.

Then leave. Because he already is being exposed to that.

This ain’t going to get any better you know. Why? Becuase even if he acts normal again, you now know he’s capable of being the bastard he currently is. He’s not a safe space. And a partner who isn’t a safe space, isn’t a partner.

And yes, it usually means they are cheating.

I mean it could be that now you are married, he feels you are trapped so he can drop his mask and become abusive but, I would have expected that to happen at your pregnancy tbh. Which probably means he isn’t being nasty for the sake of being nasty, he’s being nasty because he is cheating so he has to convince himself you are a horrible woman who has driven him to it. And therefore, you deserve to be treated badly.

He might not even be cheating yet, he could simply be on tinder looking to cheat.

I’d check his phone personally.

Actually just ask him to give you his phone and see how he reacts. If he is reluctant you know he’s cheating.

This. Such cowards that they'll act like complete cunts so you'll be the bad guy who ended the relationship. I'd tell him to quit talking to you that way or fuck off