New husband turned nasty within the space of months…wtf?

[Sillygirl1988]

I just want to get some perspective. I got married in October last year. We’ve been together 5 years. One son DS age 4. I don’t fully understand what’s happened but in the last 4 or so months my husband has got progressively nastier and nastier to me to the point I can’t really speak or engage with him because everything is just a dig at me. He’s just getting meaner and meaner and I don’t know why??

It’s hard to put into words but as an example, I only work a half day on Monday. I made a huge effort to go stock the fridge up, come home, clean up and pre cook everyone’s dinner ready. Knowing that my son had sports day and my husband was taking him and then staying for a picnic, I got lots of salady bits in - mini sausages, fruit, nice bread. He went mental and asked me “where the hell is the chicken and beef to actually cook a meal” and that I’d only been to work a few hours. . He broke the glass on the oven door a few weeks ago. I asked if he’d managed to order a replacement. He said he couldn’t afford it (he’s just spent over £100 on trainers) and if I’m so bothered I can replace it myself.

writing it all down seems outrageous he’s acting this way. Everything I do is wrong. I got the wrong bin bags. I pack the dishwasher wrong now. He’s lovely and sweet to our son but suddenly it’s like he hates me!! I had a really important interview for a new job. He didn’t even say good luck or how was it. I’m staring to avoid being around him. Not that I have to avoid his calls or texts. He stopped texting me and calling me in the day a few months ago. I don’t understand what I’m posting for really. I just can’t see why it’s gone downhill so fast.?!

This might sound weird but see if you can get him to go get his eyes checked.

My ex got very nasty with me at one point. He had an eye test and they told him to go straight to A&E because his spinal fluid pressure was too high. (They could see signs through his eyes).

One of the sides effects is mood swings.

After he had it drained he was quite a bit calmer.

As a past victim of really intense emotional and psychological abuse I hear what you're saying but my experience is why I strongly advocate on here for women to stand up for themselves, push back on this sort of boundary testing as soon as it rears its head. Don't let the bastards get into your head and wear you down.

Maybe it's too late in the OP's case, it's hard to get a sense of whether or not OP feels safe to have some difficult conversations. (OP - can you let us know? It really does change the advice.)

This is such a good point @OneFineDay22. I'd also add when you do push back in the beginning, you're punished for it in ways which don't send off alarm bells as they look like "normal" couple issues, so most people wouldn't be overly concerned. Often they are also given a pass for being stressed etc.

I always told myself I would never stay with anyone abusive. I think everyone likes to think they would know what to do, would spot an abuser instantly when it starts to happen and would save themselves. The horrible thing with abuse is that it can happen to literally anyone because abusers present well. That's how they get away with it and why you likely know or have known someone who is one without even realising. They groom you. Saying "well I wouldn't let it happen" means you believe they let it happen or accepted it.

Of course, I didn't say that. But now that you mention it, the OP seems a bit to be treating it as if it were her fault.

I suppose you're right, but one would hope to fall back on the basic ideas of one's life, which for me would include not being a doormat, and trying for a solution before things got too toxic.

Yes, a bit of distance can be a huge help to clear the head. Which is why it's handy to have honest, clear-sighted friends, too.
I once had a friend with a new-ish boyfriend, living with her at her apartment, and she happened to mention that something had made her fearful. I told her sternly that if she ever felt in the least threatened, she should grab her money, her jewelry, and an extra pair of shoes, leave, and come to my place. I told her than anything apart from shoes, she could borrow from me.

Leave.
You can't talk so leave safely and unexpectantly, leaving a written note.

Explain in the letter that you can not live with his change of personslity. Give two recent examples of his nasty behaviour.

Also suggest that he sees his GP for a thorough check up incase he is suffering very high blood pressure or a brain growth that has affected his emotional control.
Leave ph no. of GP clinic.
Tell him that you have given his parents and best friend a copy of the latter so that he has support and people who understand.
Arrange for your child to visit his parents for set hours each weekend.
Go the lagal separation.

Tell me you know nothing about how abuse works without telling me.

Edit for better link.

Seems appropriate.

open.substack.com/pub/zawn/p/if-a-woman-in-an-abusive-relationship?utmsource=share&utmmedium=android&r=39bx5c

TIFU by putting in the wrong link twice. Both food for thought though. The one I meant:

open.substack.com/pub/shadowsofcontrol/p/why-telling-abuse-survivors-i-would?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=39bx5c

He has lost respect for you and does not value your contribution to the relationship. I would say either this has been triggered by him comparing you to someone else whom.he is now measuring you against, or he is jealous of your job/success or suspects you have a too close friendship with a work colleague. His behaviour is designed to drive you away, be use it's easier for him.to kept house and your son if you leave, and if you leave he will tell every it's your fault.

Bitter experience-and a waste of the best years of my life spent with an emotionally abusive man. My adult son is now a victim having been reduced to tears and now none of his three children have contact with him.
And he had another partner all through our marriage. All came out in the end when she left her sunglasses in his van.

He's definitely doing something. It's possibly an affair or an addiction, or both. He sounds unhinged.

I don't know why so many people are so keen to attribute his behaviour to a given cause - an affair, cocaine, a brain tumour, early dementia, even high blood pressure (wtaf?!!)

It's always possible that it's none of these. It's always possible that he's "just" a nasty piece of work, a bully. That was the case with mine. Whilst affairs came later, that wasn't the reason for his unpleasant narc personality which he hid until after our wedding. Neither was he a drug user, and afaik, years after we split, he is still going strong with no sign of any brain tumours or early dementia!

Some people are just horrible. They don't need a reason or an excuse.

I totally agree. My friends based on nothing but facts have told me it’s abuse. My manager and therapist has called it abuse. Domestic abuse support workers have called it abuse. Intellectually I can call it abuse. I know it’s abuse. There are key, evidenced facts that show it’s abuse. Yet, one message from him telling me it’s all my fault and I start doubting it again. Because it programmed me over time. I’m now slowly re-programming my brain.

There is always a cause. Most abusers didn’t start out in life abusive. But the cause is irrelevant. Adults have a responsibility to work on themselves to change their behaviour so it is no longer abusive regardless of the cause (cognitive impairment aside).

Yes! It is batshit the amount of mad excuses people are making. And to those saying just sit down and have a chat. Do you not think she's already tried that?! Usually the bingo call of Autism and ADHD get trotted out too. And to those of you certain it would never happen to you, maybe. These type of people do target certain types of women they are often kind and open minded and forgiving. But, it's a rare person that hasn't been fooled by a manipulative charmer at some point, you just probably don't know that lovely Steve from down the road is an arsehole behind closed doors.

Oh yes, my Steve (how did you know?!) was a real charmer - until he got me hooked. "Love bombing" wasn't a phrase used much 30 years ago, but it's certainly a real behaviour, and it sucks you in.

People think my ex is lovely. And he is to everyone else. Until you challenge him.

How did he break the glass on the oven door?

She cannot have an argument and take her son for a walk at the same time.

When I wanted to discuss my husband's behaviour with him I'd wait until the children were in bed, and I'd use a quiet voice. He would raise his voice deliberately and with such a smirk on his face, and the children would run up crying, and of course that would shut me up; then he'd just go out.

@Sillygirl1988 I hope you are ok OP and his behaviour hasn't escalated 😟

You might let it get that far if you were unaware before it was too late....abusers are master manipulators.......have you ever heard of the frog in boiling water analogy? It can happen to anyone....although granted, once its happened you once, you would hope you would recognise the signs way before you're in too deep the next time.

And it doesnt take into account that sadly some women are trained in accepting abuse from childhood. So "he doesnt hit me so it isnt abuse" or "he is better than what I grew up with so it isnt abuse", because they have known things to be far far worse than what they married into.

For far too many women, being abused is all they know.

So true :(