New husband turned nasty within the space of months…wtf?

[Sillygirl1988]

I just want to get some perspective. I got married in October last year. We’ve been together 5 years. One son DS age 4. I don’t fully understand what’s happened but in the last 4 or so months my husband has got progressively nastier and nastier to me to the point I can’t really speak or engage with him because everything is just a dig at me. He’s just getting meaner and meaner and I don’t know why??

It’s hard to put into words but as an example, I only work a half day on Monday. I made a huge effort to go stock the fridge up, come home, clean up and pre cook everyone’s dinner ready. Knowing that my son had sports day and my husband was taking him and then staying for a picnic, I got lots of salady bits in - mini sausages, fruit, nice bread. He went mental and asked me “where the hell is the chicken and beef to actually cook a meal” and that I’d only been to work a few hours. . He broke the glass on the oven door a few weeks ago. I asked if he’d managed to order a replacement. He said he couldn’t afford it (he’s just spent over £100 on trainers) and if I’m so bothered I can replace it myself.

writing it all down seems outrageous he’s acting this way. Everything I do is wrong. I got the wrong bin bags. I pack the dishwasher wrong now. He’s lovely and sweet to our son but suddenly it’s like he hates me!! I had a really important interview for a new job. He didn’t even say good luck or how was it. I’m staring to avoid being around him. Not that I have to avoid his calls or texts. He stopped texting me and calling me in the day a few months ago. I don’t understand what I’m posting for really. I just can’t see why it’s gone downhill so fast.?!

Think back through your relationship. Is this a complete u-turn on his behaviour from how he was before you were married? I'm guessing the signs were there before. Maybe you thought getting married would make things (him) better and his behaviour is now amplified because of that. In any case, it's unacceptable and there's no excuse.

OP, this is a toxic environment to your son. Please don’t let thia continue much longer. For his sake and your own.

Can you arrange for the two of you to go out somewhere public (like a cafe) and then tell him you are concerned about the marriage and want to try to understand what’s going wrong. In public he’s unlikely to shout/kick off. If he starts insulting you try to bring the conversation back to why now, even if what he’s saying is true why are all these things suddenly a problem? You could ask him if he wants out of the marriage, it’s scary but it might shock him into realising he is risking the marriage with his behaviour or he might say yes which is awful but at least you would know where you stand

The talking to you badly in front of your son is not down to zero impulse control. It's just another way of exerting control over you and ensuring that you tow the line because he knows your main aim is to keep your child happy. The reason he is being nasty is because he is nasty.

He wants out I’m afraid. But feels stuck so he’s taking it out on you.

If he’s always rabidly guarded his phone I’d say he’s been cheating for most of your relationship or talking shit about you to friends and family or has a gambling or porn problem. People with nothing to hide don’t guard their phones

Personally I’d be looking for somewhere to live. I’d be ‘sorting clothes to sell on Vinted’ and secretly packing them away. Then I’d take a few days off work to secretly pack my car and move to my new house. Then I’d text him saying I want a divorce.

Does it really matter if he’s cheating ? The fact is he is treating you like shit - you need to focus on that and make a plan to get out

My first thought would be cheating and my second thought would be drugs.

Its quite common that men change and become rude and nasty when they're cheating, a deflection tactic I suppose. Its easier if you're the bad guy and the one who is always wrong, than him facing up to what hes doing.

Could be neither of those things. What is your plan? I'm sorry, it sounds like such a shock.

Is there any chance he’s using steroids?

Some steroids cause aggression (‘roid rage’) and can also cause depression and low libido - sometimes libido goes up at first but it can can then drop and cause erectile dysfunction and a lack of interest. They mimic testosterone, so the body stops making its own.

Start divorce proceedings.

Record him being nasty with the voice memo function of your phone,

You really don't need to put up with this OP! I would leave if I was you x

The question should be raised with him, the very next time he says something nasty asking why he is being nasty. Then proceed to give him examples of other times and ask him why he thinks he can be like this and you would be ok with it. Remind him his son in the house if he “loses it” - his behaviour is his responsibility to manage. It will be good for your son if doesn’t grow up to learn from your DH.

His response should determine what your next move is, either you’re ok with him “ trying to be nice again” or you feel its ended anyway to go your separate ways.

You should take charge of your own future and not let him or your son or your excuses to get in the way of your life and your future.

He’s showing you who he is OP
Believe him and act accordingly.
THIS is the BEST it’ll be.
It will continue to get worse.

Youll think you can change him “back”.
You can’t
The ONLY thing you can change is the fact that you are enabling him to act like this by staying.

Future you is begging you. Please leave

While you can

I think he feels he’s made a mistake

I put up with exactly this for 20 years. I ended up so gaslighted I had a complete breakdown. It has taken me years to try and recover. And I had children too. For goodness sake do not be me.

Coercive control?

One element often missing from these kinds of posts is some clarity as to whether the woman has tried to discuss the problems in a quiet, low-key, non-accusatory way.
Seems to me that counseling would be the next step.

Yes. I did that. Read my other comment as to how I ended up. Please don't put up with this. Trust me.

I think many people, after getting married, begin to reproduced the dynamics they grew up in with their own parents. Like they have learned “this is how to be a family”.

What are his parents like?

Whatever the reason - do you feel physically safe?

If you are not physically threatened I suggest making yourself bigger, not smaller.

That means pushing back. “You know where to find the store.” You don’t have to raise your voice. Stay calm, but don’t take this laying down.

Its possible he is an addict -
I would go to women's aid and get you and your son out of there asap

My ex was awful to me when his head had turned. It's like they can then justify it to themselves. Just picking at me all the time like yours is.

What the OP has described screams get out to me after what I went through. Not low key discussion.

That was my thinking, steroids. regardless of the reason you need to leave. Don't allow your son to see you treated like this. He sounds deplorable.

Sorry OP, no clue or advice really. Only wanted to say I'm so sorry this is happening to you and he's completely out of order. At this stage, i'd say it's not salvageable.

Look after yourself and your little boy. I'm sure it will be much better once this AH is out of your life. Good luck 💐

In my experience, men are like this when they are having affairs and, on top of that, when they are comparing you to someone else - and never in your favour (these dicks usually compare a working mum to a much younger free party-type female).

I would slowly stop doing anything for him/ for the house, start distancing yourself, preparing your escape, get advice from solicitor and one day just leave. Divorce him, make sure you get fair deal. He will try to manipulate you though your son - be calm, let him see DC, but dont get drawing into facilitating it.

This relationship is not salvageable. He might try and get you back, he might get angry - whatever. Anyone who allows himself such disrespect toward his life partner should be binned.

Think how he will behave when you are ill, or injured or old. Please get away from this man.