New husband turned nasty within the space of months…wtf?

[Sillygirl1988]

I just want to get some perspective. I got married in October last year. We’ve been together 5 years. One son DS age 4. I don’t fully understand what’s happened but in the last 4 or so months my husband has got progressively nastier and nastier to me to the point I can’t really speak or engage with him because everything is just a dig at me. He’s just getting meaner and meaner and I don’t know why??

It’s hard to put into words but as an example, I only work a half day on Monday. I made a huge effort to go stock the fridge up, come home, clean up and pre cook everyone’s dinner ready. Knowing that my son had sports day and my husband was taking him and then staying for a picnic, I got lots of salady bits in - mini sausages, fruit, nice bread. He went mental and asked me “where the hell is the chicken and beef to actually cook a meal” and that I’d only been to work a few hours. . He broke the glass on the oven door a few weeks ago. I asked if he’d managed to order a replacement. He said he couldn’t afford it (he’s just spent over £100 on trainers) and if I’m so bothered I can replace it myself.

writing it all down seems outrageous he’s acting this way. Everything I do is wrong. I got the wrong bin bags. I pack the dishwasher wrong now. He’s lovely and sweet to our son but suddenly it’s like he hates me!! I had a really important interview for a new job. He didn’t even say good luck or how was it. I’m staring to avoid being around him. Not that I have to avoid his calls or texts. He stopped texting me and calling me in the day a few months ago. I don’t understand what I’m posting for really. I just can’t see why it’s gone downhill so fast.?!

Please leave before your life turns into a true crime podcast.

Sadly men turning abusive after marriage is very common. They think they have you trapped so let their guard down. It won’t get any better but it will get worse.

Yup, and make sure you have your own money in an account of your own, not a joint one.

Maybe - he's resentful of you for whatever reason and is trying to bring you down a peg or two. It could come from how he was brought up by his parents, power play involved. But whatever, it won't get any better.
I was married to someone like this. I was treading on egg shells all the time. I didn't recognise myself. Thankfully no kids involved. I wandered into an estate agent one day in desperation and asked if I could buy a house. Turns out I could as I wasn't on our mortgage. I found a house and bought it! This was pre 2000 so entirely possibly back then. Alas, not so now. The point is, I knew I had to escape for my sanity.

Steroids is that a possibility
Bottom line he's an abuser
And you need out.
Fuck him and the reasons why he's like this.

You and your son are numero Uno's in all of this

He’s definitely cheating or planning to cheat. So sorry op.

Totally agree with you but just questioning whether this could be involved here too

Cocaine use causes lack of interest in sex and wouldn’t stop gym use. In fact gym can suit addictive personalities. I know an addict and it really does sound like how he was with his (now ex) wife. There’s also the financial cost which would mean he would be short of money. Obviously I could be completely wrong but I wouldn’t rule it out I’m afraid to say.

Could be an affair as many have suggested. Could equally be that he feels trapped and resentful about the marriage and is taking that out on you rather than addressing it. What a horrible way to behave, regardless of reason.

If he’s never in all these years shown any signs of being abusive, then my money is on OW, sorry OP.

The other things you’ve said - guarding his phone with his life, erratic work patterns and lack of interest in sex all also point to OW.

No. It's rare for two women to be interested in the same man.

My previously lovely friendly, funny boyfriend of 11 years turned nasty and in turns out there was someone else.

Do you need to know why he's nasty? I mean he's treating you like shit infront of your son because he's got zero impulse control. That would scare me (and give me the ick). I would talk to him calmly and give him a chance to lay cards on the table. Like "What's really going on here? Why are you constantly criticising me? Is this about us or is something else going on? Because I'm not having any more of it. This is not how I want my life to be. This is not what I want my son to think a healthy relationship looks like."

If nothing gives I would say divorce because it can and probably will escalate.

@Sillygirl1988 I worked in domestic abuse field for many years. It is not uncommon for abusers to reveal their true nature once married. Get out while you can see what is happening before you are made to feel you are losing your mind.

he has already got you to “adjust” your behaviour.

this will be futile. He is probably not having an affair.

Get out honey while you can.

OP this isn’t a healthy relationship. You should be able to voice these things to your partner. A partner should be a safe space for you. What you are describing is far from that. I’m sorry. As a father, he should be able to contain himself so as not to flip his lid in front of your child. Sounds like an absolute shit situation but you do deserve a partner you feel comfortable and safe enough to communicate with (both positively and negatively if need be.) Does your child go to school? If so, are you able to communicate with husband when child is out the house and clearly stipulate you don’t want man child behaviours in front of your son?

So cause a fight? Its not your job to appease him?.

Ill tell you two things

1. my husband and I got married after 8 years together. In the 3 months after we had been married he stopped lifting a finger around the house. We had no kids, both worked full time, i made more money then him and worked longer hours but for some reason once we got married he thought he had a "wife" to do things for him. I sat him down and told him if he didn't pull his finger out his arse I would stop doing anything in our house. I was probably doing 60% to his 40% before we got married anfd I would have not done a single other thing at all. The only reason I didn't leave him then was because he was fundamentally a good man and the way he was behaving was so out of character. I still don't really understand what he was thinking but he reverted back to normal and never did thatagain

2 I had to get rid of my Alexa cause I hated the way I spoke to it. So rude and bossy it really brought a side out of me I did not like. I realised it's because it didn't argue back and was just constantly searching forways to make me happy. Don't be Alexa-if he tells you you stacked the dishwasher wrong tell him cool he's now in charge of the dishwasher. If he complains about something you bought ask him to go to the shop right now and by the correct one. If he talks to you in a rude manner tell him to go away and come back when he can speak civilly.

But what it comes down to really and the only reason im even entertaining this post is you know if he's a fundamentally good person whose acting like a dick

If he's always been a dick to other people and now he's being a dick to you it absolutely will not get better so pull the plaster off and leave him now.

This!

I can't say why he's behaving like this but I'd recommend getting yourself a notebook and writing down everything that happens and is said . It may help in the future if you divorce . Tbh I would be afraid that things could escalate , do you feel safe ?

I personally would not confront him as just reading your post makes me nervous ! Is there anyone you could confide in , if not please consider Women's aid for support .
Sending a hug .

Both an affair and a drug habit would be a deal breaker for me. But so would being unable to address his behaviour for fear of how he'll react.

@Sillygirl1988 I know you say you're recently married, but don't get caught up in the sunk cost fallacy. Better to end it sooner than later, when your confidence has been destroyed.

I'd suspect another woman.

This isn't right though.

Your child is already being affected and is learning from you both how romantic / Family relationships work. Not good.

I'd get out of this situation gal. Get your ducks in a row, speak to your loved ones and friends - don't suffer in silence, you need support. We're all here for you.
My first ex could be like this, he was a colossal mummy's boy who had been raised to expect servitude from women and had not been taught respect or how to communicate anger. I very much felt like once we moved in together I reaped what his mum had sown in raising an entitled man child. Suffice to say we split up 18 months after moving in because I'm worth more than being spoken to like this, and so are you! You deserve the world for you and your boy x

Yes, if you don't already have this then it should be your very next move.

Whether there is another woman behind this shitty behaviour, or whether it is just down to resentment at having a higher earning wife, how can you ever come back from this? Don't stay in the marriage just because you are worried about the impact on your son. Kids pick up on things. He will already know something is not right.

Above all, be safe, speak to a trusted friend or family member and maybe even stash an overnight bag for you and DS there in case you have to get out fast.

You and your son deserve better and you dont have to put up with his abuse. He sounds like he is cheating / planning to cheat. Either way you need to put ducks in a row to be ready to file for divorce when you are able to in a couple of months.

Secure your own money into an account he cant access. Make sure any wage payments / child benefit payments are going into that account.

What is your housing situation? Are you in rented or do you jointly own the property.

Start quietly gathering together important documents payslips / passports/ pension / financial and property documents / marriage and birth certificates ready to smuggle out somewhere safe i.e with friend / trusted relative.

If you think either yourself or your child are in danger of harm then be ready to leave.

I think you are but you need to protect yourself and your child.

My ex husband turned nasty and I was torturing myself trying to understand why. Turned out he had someone else and was resentful of me and the kids for existing and preventing his happiness.

It isn't a good sign as you probably know. It could be mental health or something but often this can happen when a man has had his head turned by another woman and he wants to cheat, is cheating or flat out wants to leave you. By finding fault with you and making you the bad guy he gets the leverage he needs to rewrite history and absolve himself of any guilt for being a cheating scumbag. I'd be doing some discreet digging!