New husband turned nasty within the space of months…wtf?

[Sillygirl1988]

I just want to get some perspective. I got married in October last year. We’ve been together 5 years. One son DS age 4. I don’t fully understand what’s happened but in the last 4 or so months my husband has got progressively nastier and nastier to me to the point I can’t really speak or engage with him because everything is just a dig at me. He’s just getting meaner and meaner and I don’t know why??

It’s hard to put into words but as an example, I only work a half day on Monday. I made a huge effort to go stock the fridge up, come home, clean up and pre cook everyone’s dinner ready. Knowing that my son had sports day and my husband was taking him and then staying for a picnic, I got lots of salady bits in - mini sausages, fruit, nice bread. He went mental and asked me “where the hell is the chicken and beef to actually cook a meal” and that I’d only been to work a few hours. . He broke the glass on the oven door a few weeks ago. I asked if he’d managed to order a replacement. He said he couldn’t afford it (he’s just spent over £100 on trainers) and if I’m so bothered I can replace it myself.

writing it all down seems outrageous he’s acting this way. Everything I do is wrong. I got the wrong bin bags. I pack the dishwasher wrong now. He’s lovely and sweet to our son but suddenly it’s like he hates me!! I had a really important interview for a new job. He didn’t even say good luck or how was it. I’m staring to avoid being around him. Not that I have to avoid his calls or texts. He stopped texting me and calling me in the day a few months ago. I don’t understand what I’m posting for really. I just can’t see why it’s gone downhill so fast.?!

I agree-his eye is elsewhere and he is reframing the story

He's being abusive and nasty. It doesn't matter why. You need to leave, it will only get worst. Maybe now your married he thinks he owns you/you can't leave him.

I mean he sounds exhausting tbh. Imagine never been able to address issues with him because he accuses you of starting a fight every time. That shit will break you. And it’s what shitty people do to shut you up and break you so that they can keep being shitty.

Do you want another 50 years of this? (If it were possible). If not, don’t sink anymore time into it.

Theres no shame in walking away from things we realise don’t work and make our lives a misery. Theres was a lady on here earlier lamenting having spent 20 years with a useless git out of duty. She has a son too and he made the son’s life miserable having to witness his shitty attitude too.

He's abusive and you need to leave.

This won't get better, it never does. Maybe temporarily it will feel like things are getting better if he senses you might leave him and he wants to reel you back in, but then the pattern will start all over again.

Abusive men show their true colours either when they think they have you trapped (pregnant, or if you have recently got married).

He may have someone else and resent you as he now sees you as 'being in the way'.

But regardless, whichever way you swing it, his behaviour is diabolical.

Reach out to Women's Aid, OP.

Make plans to leave. 💐

This is horrific.
do you feel safe to stand up to him eg say ‘you’re being an absolute nasty bastard sort your attitude out’ or do you know he’d make your life hell?

No point having a conversation with him, he is actively being nasty and finding fault, that isn't accidental, thats intentional.

He's cheating, or he wants to, or for some other reason, he wants out but doesn't want to be the one who ends things.

Save yourself a LOT of bother - get all your ducks (and any other farm yard fowl you like) in a row, get the paperwork you need, sort yourself somewhere to live..

And fuck off. And ideally, only tell him when it's all sorted and you're on your way out the door.

He isn't going to change, as the saying goes 'he is showing you who he really is - believe him'.

And don't think staying for the sake of the kids is an idea with any merit - they are already exposed to it and he will use their presence to be nasty to you, without you daring to fire back at him.

How do you respond to him when he says these things? Are you scared of him?

There are a couple of common reasons for a personality change like this

1. He’s being an arse so you call it quits so when another woman pops up he can say you ended things first.
2. He’s hoping that by digging away at your self esteem and confidence your self confidence plummets, you don’t accept job offers, social invitations etc all to make himself feel better. Either way if your treading on eggshells over sink sponges I would suggest it’s not a relationship that is healthy to stay in

I mean this one’s a leap but not interested in sex and guards his phone like his life depends on it…could be gay or bi? Lots of married men on grinder.

He's not interested in sex, so (relatively) early on in your marriage? Sounds to me like he thinks now that you're married, that you're his house servant.

Whether or not there's another woman is irrelevant, frankly. He's abusive and you need to get shot of him.

I'm sorry

Has he got financial problems and they are mounting up?

At least she’s married though even though it’s a short marriage she has equal rights, well hopefully anyway. Add on previous 5 years plus joint child.

I’m scared my son will hear shouting and fighting. And so I don’t say anything.

So f’ing what. Cry me a river. Adults talk about these things not emotionally abuse their wives.

Get your ducks in a row, start researching assets, take copies of important documents etc. document his behaviour. prepare to leave…. But make sure you are prepared.
either there is another woman and he is trying to get you to leave (in which case - you are leaving on your terms and are prepared), or he is just genuinely nasty, in which case you don’t want to be with him, surely?
and if it turns out that he was just super stressed or something… you have seen his true colours.
be safe. Get your child out of such a toxic situation before it escalates

Could he be using drugs? Cocaine use can lead to a personality change like you’ve described

you could take your son out for a walk when there are arguments or to see friend relative nearby.

Catch22 isn’t it. If you don’t say anything then the boy thinks it’s ok to talk to women (and to you) like this. You’ll have two of him in the house if your boy stays under the roof witnessing this for long.

Chances are he will start mimicking his dads disrespect toward you sooner rthater than later, and then it’s a slippery slope.

I was going to say that too.

Honestly, every time I've seen a man suddenly pick fault and become nasty for no apparent reason, it's because they've met another woman. It happened to me in the 90s and was so incredibly painful.

I’ll have a root around see if I can see a thing in his work clothes. I doubt it though. He’s a keen gym person so wouldn’t help with that

Like a previous poster, I’ve seen this before, but with my good friend. He turned nasty, literally in the cab on the way to the wedding night hotel. Then followed two years of hell that escalated to bad domestic violence.

Do you even need to know the reason? He’s being nasty and emotionally abusive. I would start preparing to leave.

Obviously you would like to know why he's changed in this way; but ultimately it doesn't matter. Whatever the reason it's unacceptable and you shouldn't (and don't) have to put up with it.

He could have had his head turned; he could have trouble at work that's making him anxious; he could be sick. But you are not his emotional punchbag.

I'm also alarmed that you feel you can't talk to him because he'll cause a row in front of your child. What does that say about your future together? You can never raise any issue with him in case he kicks off? That's not a sustainable position, and it's a terrible example for your son of toxic masculinity in action. Show him an example of a strong woman not putting up with shit from anyone

Could he be on the roids?

things like extra bathroom breaks are worth noting. Both for drug taking and for texting other women

Reminder to change every single password to every single thing from email to linked in to your banks. Change your phone pin. Men like this are very, very controlling