The Dating Thread 60 - Summer Fling!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@Ilovelurchers well done on being selective...you are doing better than me 🙂

I think that's the sensible thing to do.

Thanks so much for posting.

Planes Pros
Intelligent, loving, I fancy him, good company, capable with maps and driving, does repair well, emotional intelligence.

@Ilovelurchers my objectives are

To find out what he wants (to get back together is my understanding)

To find out his intention with that comment

To find out what would be different if we did get back together, including ed, harem, comms.

I'm not really interested in being friends with him.
I would like to give it another chance...and I l'm sure you're right.

Ok Mr Social is vvkeen. What do you want to leave the office party with?!

@MsJinks you are a star. It's a shame he was not living with his mum when we met as this weird dynamic would not have developed.

I have agreed to go and I will but with all your comments in mind. It should not be this difficult 9 weeks in.

I love that you've listed capable with maps and driving...aren't most men capable of this?
I mean I think most women are too!

Emotional intelligence is an interesting one - from what you've posted I'd say that he has low Emotional intelligence.
And this is from someone who was brought up with parents with no Emotional intelligence.

The list of pros are not unique to Planes, I think a lot of men could offer the same.

What does a relationship for you look like at this stage of your life?
Can Planes offer this?

I know for sure I don't want to live with anyone again, I also like my own time as well as time together so someone who is quite independent is important as well as them being solvent and able to pay their way.
Its surprising how many men don't even come close to offering what I want.

Ha…. Ideally I want to leave with my reputation and self respect intact! 😄

@Nosdacariad personally I think you can do better, however hard that is to throw yourself back in the dating pond.

you said previously he didn’t make you feel emotionally safe and made horrid comments about your appearance.

Please, please know your worth as he’s shown you who he is with the flags waving and sadly, despite I’m sure being able to put on a veneer when trying to impress, this is who he is and who he will revert to 🥲. The number of exes says it all……

Take care of you 🙏

Haha - love this. Have to own the main thing I have lost over my years, and had to go scrabbling on the floor to retrieve, is my dignity lol. I’ve not yet had to look into emigrating so taking that as my win!

It could be fun whatever though this do - and anyway we definitely will need an update!

@Nosdacariad I’m afraid you’re just going to end up part of his harem . Makes you wonder how all these other woman ended up in it and if they have gone down this same path as you previously.
he really doesn’t seem to offer anything positive .

Ahh - it really shouldn’t be, no. Plus I guess you may be anxious most of the day for it too, and then afterwards- but I think you feel you still need to do it - and that’s ok - wishing you the best of luck - and we are all here waiting after to support you, whichever way it goes 💐

I think he could offer it. I would like to live with someone eventually. It's just his current set up is bonkers, enmeshed landlady, ex over road...

I am coming from a low bar as MrX could get lost anywhere and avoided driving.

I wonder if there are many women who would go for planes and I suspect many would not.

@Nosdacariad I certainly wouldn’t! And I’m so sorry your ex has brought you to a place with such a low bar. It’s almost heartbreaking that someone has dented you so much that you think his actions might be ok to continue with 🥲

You can 💯 do better 💪

Hello all. I am so pleased to have found this thread. I am reading through posts and finding things illuminating and they help me to realise I am ‘not the only one’. I’m Lena, 29, live in London and after a breakup a year ago have been having dating adventures and misadventures. If I had to pick a word to describe these collectively it would be ‘hapless’, but close behind is ‘absurd’.

Welcome, @LenaFromTheNineties and same!!

The thing is @Nosdacariad only you know him. With my ex if I told people about what was going on they’d think I was an idiot but he seemed so genuine , my friends told me he didn’t ’seem Like the type to cheat’ . He seemed to have done a lot of work on himself with therapy and was level headed . Treated me a like a princess . Let me meet all his family and most of his friends and colleagues early on .

BUT

if I told a stranger I was finding nipple clamps / used condoms / bondage tape etc etc etc and he was seeing this woman he wouldn’t let me meet who he was enmeshed with . They’d think I was off my rocker

there’s clearly something you see in him that we as strangers can’t

True @TheThingOnTheIce and after 9 weeks I don't really know him.

His mum does though and she has declined to meet me.

You mention your husband, what about setting the bar there rather than with Mr X?

I think that's a much better bar.

How could Planes live you without an income, he wouldn't be able to get UC as your income would be counted as you'd be a couple living together.
Or would you be happy to keep him and give him 'pocket money'?

This enmeshed landlady/tenant relationship also shows low emotional intelligence. Why are they so enmeshed? How did it come about that he rented a room with her rather than elsewhere? Is she an ex?

My husband was not perfect but was much easier.

Planes is 'setting up a business' so unless that comes good, or he gives it up and gets work then he won't be able to afford it and I would not be keeping him.

Planes has not admitted to her being an ex but his ex over the road suggested the arrangement...she's maybe 15 years older but she is VERY possessive of him though we've met and she's ok with me.

It is all very weird.

Only dysfunctional ones as he could seem quite a catch to some.....

I think the bare minimum is someone who is self-sufficient or if they've been down on their luck working towards being self-sufficient.
I get that redundancies happen but most people would take any job rather than sit in a pub regularly drinking.

Its interesting that his Mum won't meet you..although its 9 weeks in so maybe he has a lot of short lived relationships...
Although is it even a relationship at 9 weeks?

I’ll post something about dating eventually but for context, I met The Catch (that’s what everyone told me and on balance he was) when I was 22 and working briefly outside of academia post first degree. We became a thing and I assumed that in time, no rush, we would get married and have children. Neither happened, though I had a miscarriage when 24 from an unplanned pregnancy. There you go.

Two years older he has always been on a fast track business trajectory while I’ve been collecting degrees, with a PhD finally in sight, or just over the horizon. So we each had very absorbing lives outside of the relationship, which was a good one. Couldn’t wish for more. Then after 6 years together he gets a move opportunity to the Far East. “You are not going to come are you?”, ‘no’. So off he went and after three months wondering what had happened, I started dating, aged 28. I really don’t know what dating is now and my experiences have been truly strange. Oh and a friend of my mum said I should join this site when she knew about those exploits that I have felt able to share, so if she does spot me, thanks.

We were saying it was 🙂