The Dating Thread 60 - Summer Fling!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I completely agree about good sex - and I think your approach is respectful of your future partner. (If only planes understood that this is how reasonable people work).

I guess it comes down to what you want for yourself longer term?

@BoxOfCats do you feel like you can raise it again before the move? To talk about exclusivity?

Well done for bringing it up 💐💐💐

@BellaBlackberry83 wishing you a fab day 😘😘😘

Morning everyone ☺️ Just catching up on all the chat from last night.

@Ilovelurchers and @BoxOfCats you’re both in a tricky situation with your FWBs especially because there’s feelings there. This is the only thing that puts me off, every other aspect sounds delicious! However I do agree with others who’ve said this may be subconsciously blocking your openness to other people. Ive never been in this situation so I can’t offer robust advice but just look after yourselves in terms of your happiness

No major updates from me. Still chatting with Mr Peach and we’ve no plans to meet again. He’s actually coming across as a little needy although I do still like him. Just not sure if the “phwoar” factor is there.

And still messaging Mr Tall, who is being very sweet. Ticks a lot of boxes although he only has one photo on his profile and he’s not really smiling fully and at the moment I’m not getting that physical attraction in a big way. I’ve asked him to put some more photos on his profile but he said he’ll send some over if we exchange numbers. Which is a bit odd? But he is actually very nice and we have a lot in common.

Happy Saturday everyone, hope you all have a lovely weekend!

@Nosdacariad how are you feeling about things today?

@Ilovelurchers I didn’t find someone until I got rid of my FWB, who I had a very intense sexual relationship with - in hindsight, intense due to his utter emotional unavailability. I’m not sure that ending is the reason I did finally find someone, but I definitely do think it held me back with some men in terms of whether I found them attractive or not, as he was the one I thought of sexually. I think maybe as that need was filled elsewhere, I didn’t see it exuding from other men? Maybe that is happening with you?

@BoxOfCats sounds like a mind fuck and a little like he might be delaying facing things so he holds onto this convenient situationship for a longer? Be careful!

Morning everyone! Thanks so much to all who have shared their thoughts on my FWB situation. Lots to think about, and I really appreciate everyone's perspective and experience - this thread is so useful and so supportive! You are all lovely.

@BoxOfCats, I think there are two possible interpretations of Charismatic's words and behaviour (well there are probably several.....). He could be really keen on you (all the lovely dates would indicate that) but just genuinely worried about the future as he knows he may well wish to return to the UK, and so thinks it would be wrong to "lead you on'" by becoming seriously romantically involved with you while that remains a strong possibility. This one actually speaks well of his character and the respect in which he holds you.

I suppose a more cynical inrerpretation is that he is a classic player, who plans elaborate dates primarily because he enjoys them himself, and enjoys playing the role of an attentive lover..... And if he is this type, ultimately I fear he may disturb your peace long term, even though you are enjoying the time with him now.

You know him, so are much better placed to make a judgement, though also remember that we can allsometimes be blinded by our feelings too and desperate to see the best in those we like/love.

What would you advise a friend in the same situation?

I recently ended a very similar situation for very similar reasons. I realised that my feelings were deeper than I was telling myself, and him. And all my other dates were framed by him eg comparing him to them, not really that available for them, or the opposite: desperately looking for someone to replace him, and run away from my feelings for him.

So I ended it three weeks ago. We'd been seeing each other for 7 months. Came off the apps and decided to have a reset.

I know it was the right thing to do but I miss him and also the joy he added to my life. I became a better version of myself. We had a good connection and I believe that was real but the setup wasn't meeting my needs.

I am venturing to a speed dating event next week.

Mr Tall...is he married? Does he own a full set of teeth? Is that a low effort profile?

Thanks for asking 🙂

I realised I was feeling increasingly cold in my chest each time planes mentioned the harem or the ex over the road especially. He talked about her especially a LOT. Denied being hung up on her but I think he was.

I still feel a bit like I was part of a game where I didn't understand the rules 🙃

Sending love and a reminder that the better version of yourself is still here 😘

This is such a wise post, thank you 💐

You are absolutely correct. I’m actually genuinely unsure which one he is. He is otherwise a very kind, considerate and generous person, both in words and behaviour. I do think he genuinely really likes me, and cares about me on at least some level. He’s not one to do things by halves so I think if he were in a relationship he would take it very seriously. So it could well be option 1.

However, he has also known me for a year now and always known I’ve wanted a relationship. The chat we had a few months ago he indicated he wasn’t keen on a relationship as he’d had quite a few big life changes (to be fair he had) so he didn’t feel in the right place to commit to anything.

So getting this different response now does make me wonder if that’s been a recent realisation that a relationship won’t work long term (as we had spoken yesterday about his plan to potentially move back at some point, and I’d mentioned I felt a bit like I was trapped in our current city by my job). Or it could be delay tactics. It’s clear he doesn’t want a relationship, but I’m unsure if I’m getting the true reason, or whether it’s likely to change (most probably not).

This sounds very familiar to the place I’m in now.

I really admire your clarity of thinking and strength in following through. Wishing you luck for the speed dating!

@UmberSheep Yes, I suppose I am not surprised by his response but also being cautious. I think because I’m currently off the apps it’s had more impact than it otherwise would. I think once I’ve moved house I will be joining some real life dating events.

@BellaBlackberry83 Thank you, you are totally right. Currently it does still work for me, I just do need to be cautious as you say.

Ooh surprise day out sounds exciting!! Keep us posted on where you end up going 🙂

Ahhh thanks.
It’s unlikely I’ll see him again before the move next week. We’ve been seeing each other consistently for 6 months now, so I’m sure if he were keen to lock me down exclusivity-wise then he would have said something by now.

It’s more a question of whether I’m happy with the situation or not. I’m genuinely looking forward to spending a bit more time together, and he seems to as well - he even referenced today that once I move in we should do a few nice local activities (bike rides on the cycle path by my new place, walking to a nearby beach together etc) and seemed excited. He clearly has plans for us, just not wanting to commit… 🤦‍♀️

This really made me laugh 😂 I certainly hope he’s not married! Said he’s single 7 months so I’m taking him at face value I guess. As for the teeth….🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

Met him on FB dating and to be honest a lot of the profiles are low effort, rarely a bio. But he’s very chatty in messages. Just need to find the “phwoar”!!! Or even a little bit. But I’m aware that seeing someone in real life can totally differ from a photo ☺️

Oh you summed things up perfectly in your last sentence. You didn’t really stand a chance, and neither does any of his hangers-on or any other unsuspecting woman who comes along next.

You mentioned about him being photographed with a really attractive woman. I could bet my house on him having chipped away at her self confidence over time too. Regardless of attractiveness though, as we all know it’s subjective, he’s a nasty piece of work and he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Youre doing great, and I’m so pleased you’re being supported by the thread. You have real life support too, yes?

Yes I do have real life support, thank you 🙂

How do you know he's a nasty piece of work? I mean from what I've said?

I have to say that, from what you have told us, I share @empirebiscuits12view that he is a nasty piece of work - though I am equally sure that isn't all he is, and that the things you perhaps still like/love about him may well be real too - people are complex, after all.

To me, his maintenance of the harem, at the same time as talking about a future with you (future-faking? Though it's possible he was entirely serious) implies he is a selfish man, and somewhat manipulative perhaps, as he arranges things around him to suit himself, nobody else.

If he IS involved with the landlady (which seems possible from what you have said) then he was exploiting both of you - very cruel to you, as a clearly lovely, intelligent, good hearted woman who saw the best in him - and also quite cruel to her, as one assumes it was painful to her, if she does have feelings for him, to have to witness at close quarters his burgeoning relationship with you. (Though I also think she herself behaved badly if this is true, no question of that).

I think negging is vile, childish and pathetic, and I think he was guilty of that.

And also I think his behaviour shows some hallmarks of lining you up for possible financial exploitation. And that's something I utterly despise - when a feckless man finds a woman who has worked hard all her life, and sets his mind to helping himself to her hard earned financial security. (Perhaps I feel so strongly about this because I have been the victim of it myself, more than once).

None of this is to say that I don't believe he can also have good points - and indeed when he said he loved you that may well have been true - I think even cocklodgers tend to pick women they admire/are attracted to/love - as it would take a pretty desperate person to tie themselves for life to someone they have no feelings for. It's always a bit more complex than that.

But on balance, you deserve much better. And I think you have set a brilliant example to us all by having the strength and self worth to walk away, despite your strong feelings for him....

So he kind to yourself, please. You must be feeling so many conflicting emotions right now, and I imagine every day it's a struggle not to text him. But I think you need to still think on terms of a day at a time. Dating others is probably a good distraction, but don't put any pressure on yourself to meet "the one" right now - just enjoy the dates for what they are.

And you just never know. I was PAINFULLY in love with my negging narc ex (who for ease, as I reference him on here a lot, I will call Mr Tortoise) when I went on my first ever OLD with my more recent ex (who is now my FWB). And even though FWB hasn't turned out to be my happy ever after as I hoped, he is 800000x the guy Tortoise was, and happened when I was least expecting him.....

I think that's why I retain hope, actually. Sometimes you can meet someone and you just know. And maybe it lasts a couple of months, a cpuple of years, OR a lifetime in some lucky cases.

But it's worth 20 or 200 dud dates I think, that vertiginous feeling.....

Thanks @Ilovelurchers I think all of that is reasonable from what I've said and I really appreciate you taking the time and thought to put it down in words.

I was steeling myself for the financial exploitation part (I would not be letting him, fingers burned by MrX). I also worry about the other harem members and his Mum but she sees him I think.

I guess I'd be FWB now if I had not swerved meeting up with him.

Fucking Hell - my date tonight, Mr Bursar, has just sent a series of texts basically asking me if sex is 'on the cards". Because apparently if it's not he "needs to know".

And asked me what I would be wearing under my dress.

Fucking Hell. Feel pretty objectified. Will cancel the date obviously.

This is a man in a position of significant responsibility (it was his career that drew me to him, actually and the way he talked about it - I thought, this must be an intelligent, responsible man, with really strong moral values).

How wrong can you be?

Nothing in my profile or in my previous chat has implied I am interested in sex talk prior to saying, or that I am open to a ONS.

In fact I love sex, and am quiew sexually adventurous and open minded! But if a man can't even be bothered to pretend to be interested in my personality, for one fucking night.....

Oh well, back to the drawing board..... AGAIN.

Last night's double date: will finish writing it up later and post. It fits into the hapless and hilarious meme I live in but was also fun looking back. Am shortly having 'A Tea' on another hot day in London with OlderMan.

Aargh, this winds me up so much. So many men are treating dating apps as some sort of free Only Fans/escort service. Nothing wrong with casual sex or sleeping around but I feel disrespected when men assume I am somehow desperate because I am in a dating app. I am not especially closed off to one night stands or casual sex, but I need to explore whether I fancy someone first. That can take one meeting, or two.

I had someone unmatch me when we were making plans to meet. He suggested that it might be tricky to have a drink because of the public transport links between our towns. When I suggested driving to a spot halfway in-between and having alcohol free gin, he unmatched. Clearly angling for a sleepover. He was 51. A stranger. Can he not grasp that a woman might not want to box herself into that on date 1!? I would actually have more respect for him if he was upfront with his intentions.

Warning - 57 year old sports consultancy business owner in Haywards Heath. An absolute player. He will see women simultaneously and he is damaging. I hope women and other local community members read this as he likes to think of himself as highly reputable and upstanding but in fact a total con. I hope others read this and stay well away or if they can identify please be very careful. On Bumble and Hinge. I am sick of seeing women taken advantage of and will put my neck out here. He also dates in London weekends but keeps a network of women locally.

Lurchers did such an excellent post I won’t repeat it in a worse manner.

But when you mentioned FWB here - what benefits? Considering the ED and DE? And how much of the friends? Considering how he’s treated you and the negging?

I’m actually saying this as I ended up saying Mr Situationship was a FWB without much of the friends or the benefits 🙈

Good escape - honestly is - I know it’s hard today - but it will get easier x