The Dating Thread 60 - Summer Fling!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

The world is your mollusc, you will be amazing 💐

If you both called it a relationship that's ok but just wondering whether his Mum wouldn't and that's why she won't meet as its so early.

Personally I'd see 9 weeks as having a great time dating and getting to know someone before hopefully committing to a relationship if we were compatible.

What dates do you do currently? Do you go out? Who pays for these?

Hi all, also new to this thread, although have been a long time lurker!

@Nosdacariadi also met someone about 8 weeks ago and it came to an end on Wednesday after I realised he just wasn’t that into me! And it has been pretty hard to come to terms with and stop myself from messaging him as it started out so promising! I thought I may have found someone. I am 44 and he is 52, so I thought great! Maybe a bit more mature. But it turns out he has a lot of emotional baggage and can’t give me what I want.

I think you’re in a similar boat, and similar timespan and want to say…. Don’t meet planes! Or if you do, listen to what he says and let him down afterwards so that you have the upper hand. I don’t feel like this will end well for you 😔 and you have someone who will be staying strong at the same time as you! (Me).

I love reading everyone’s different experiences and perspectives on here!

Yes lots of dates but not since we split up.

He pays for 60% (and source of £££ a mystery).

I just messaged to clarify what he's hoping for.

He hopes I'll join the harem so I declined to meet.
I'm heartbroken over again 😭

What the actual fuck ?
can you screen shot the reply on here (removing all unidentifiable stuff of course)

I can't I deleted the thread but in essence he is not hoping we'll get back together at the moment but wants us to be "meaningful friends".

I told him I don't want to be part of the ensemble (but it hurts so much, I wanted to see him but if I do it will hurt more).

Typically he missed his exam yesterday as he got the time wrong.

Oh @Nosdacariad, sending you such a big hug. There's your MASSIVE line in the sand now. Fuck that guy!!! I'm so angry for you!

I'm accepting breadcrumbs from Mr Mullet today for that makes you feel at all better! Not exactly advocating for myself.

@Nosdacariad he never wanted a relationship in the first place he just wanted to add to his harem. Block him .

I'm so pleased he was actually honest with you rather than stringing you along for months pretending he wants a relationship with you.

Its ok to be heartbroken. Whatever you are feeling is right for you💛
Be gentle with yourself over the next few weeks as you grieve.

Do you have things to keep you occupied? Friends? Hobbies?

Assuming the exam was linked to his business....surely very important that you'd set multiple alarms after checking the time, date and location hundreds of times.

It's makes you wonder if he wants his business to succeed.....

It's easy when it's someone else!

I wonder if this is his MO. Decides he has got bored/the ed becomes an issue, tests boundaries to destruction...

At the moment I have two jobs😁
Also probably a date Sunday and probably one Saturday night.

Yes it is all part of the picture, I think the business is so UC won't pester him to get a job.

Honestly team - you did tell me AND you were right xxx

Sooo sorry 💐

It is rubbish today, but will get better.

I mean though wtf ‘meaningful friends’ - I have been part of a harem, and got into that within 3 months - it is so easy to do - but so bloody painful and bad for you - this is so good you said no - you absolutely rock.

You will get a better guy - tbf that’s not hard - but you’ll get someone for you who deserves you, you are the prize - take care and be kind to yourself xx

2 jobs is very good to keep you busy.

Dating is nice to have....

What about other sources to meet your needs like friends and hobbies?
I'm a firm believer that no one person can meet all our needs so its good to havr friends and hobbies as well as a partner - then you don't rely on one person.

Onwards and upwards!

I have a very full life and shoved a lot aside to spend four evenings a week with him.
It was too much really but I did not feel secure when we were apart because exes/pub every night/poor comms.
His comment about my weight still rankles.
Also I will not miss the damp, dirty place he lives, the sexual dysfunction, the lack of work ethic, drinking, poor comms.

@Nosdacariad as PP said, I’m glad in a way that he has continued to add to the flag bunting as better than gaslighting you into continuing.

Well done for drawing a line on it and hope you can enjoy your dates, hopefully with some less complicated men! As you said it should be easy in the early honeymoon stages 💐

@CleanShirt can you make some stuffing with the breadcrumbs and feed it to the dog…. 😂. And if he does have a mullet then you can bin him off for that with no qualms 🤪

He's an absolute fucking cunt. "Meaningful friends" my arse. He's an egomaniac, hoping to compensate for his inability to shag and hold down a job, by surrounding himself with admiring acolytes.

On an essential level, I have no doubt he knows your worth, and knows he can never be worthy of it. And Planes would rather not try, than fail. And you hold him to account (unlike his handmaidens) so he won't want to risk having a relationship with you in which you can do that going forwards.

I know it must hurt horribly, but one day you will look back on this and be glad you didn't waste more time on this solipsistic, feckless grifter ...

Meanwhile, be kind to yourself. Can you do something nice this evening - cinema, takeaway, whatever makes you feel better. You will be ok in the end - this pain will pass. Time is a great healer, but she's no anaesthetist....

Keep focusing on those negatives. Get the ick!

@Nosdacariad So sorry to hear that your heart is breaking. No matter how unsuitable the menfolk prove themselves to be, it still hurts so much. I like (plot-thin) audiobooks for distraction. And I find exercise surprising helpful for a lazy person. And no radio, because of all the stupid love songs.

He does sound like an idiot, and it will get better, but I found it deeply hurtful when my friends told me that they couldn't understand why my heart was so broken after such a short relationship. So I won't attempt to minimise your feelings. You've lost someone you thought justified your love. And it was both brave and intrinsically human to be in love. Let yourself grieve and remember it won't always be like this. Hugs (in a neurodiverse non-tactile internetty way) x

I had a long conversation with Gemini last night in which it helped me draw up dating criteria, to reduce the amount of time I waste on chats/dates that will never go anywhere.

It was interesting - we identified the four main areas that are important to me: respectful communication; personality and interests; sexual attraction; financial and general life stability. And agreed I would immediately un match if a red flag shows in any of these areas, and also not swipe on anyone "weak" in one of those just because they are strong in another.

It's greatly reduced my number of matches (I deleted loads!) but I feel ok about that.

Gemini also encouraged me to send a text to Village which basically says, do you want a date or not (more politely), because he is now breadcrumbing - I await his response with a due sense of pessimism! Though to be honest, even if a miracle happens and he offers a date now, he has jerked me around this week so I won't be all that excited ....

I have never used AI for emotional issues before and I have to say it's cheaper than therapy and I really liked it! It's obviously very solutions focused, as is the type of therapy I favour (having tried various models in my time!)

It's a weird experience though. Had to keep reminding myself that I don't have to thank it, or tell it I like it's ideas or anything. And I can just stop talking to it at any time and I won't hurt its feelings because it doesn't HAVE feelings.

So weird.