The Dating Thread 60 - Summer Fling!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Snap! This is exactly me haha x

@Ilovelurchers Oh definitely lean into all the Fs! I am by nature a very planned ahead sort of person so I’ve found it hard to just loosen up a bit and enjoy the journey rather than thinking too hard about the destination. I’m very much enjoying the journey with Mr Charismatic at the moment even though there may never be a final destination as such.

@Ilovelurchers for me it's wondering if we would be chosen if it were not for their jobless, homeless state.

I think we've had this conversation before, or maybe with someone else on this thread? I'm in a really good place, but perhaps that's the issue - I really enjoy my life and whenever I as much as get talking to someone, I quite quickly start imagining how they'd make my life worse 😅

I feel like maybe it's just my personality - perhaps chronically avoidant? Any relationship I've ever gotten into, the guy has been around for several months + before I've gone 'you know what, actually I could see myself with them!' So maybe 'dating' in the usual sense, i.e. going out with someone who I'm not close with and like, just isn't for me.

It does usually actually massively put me off if a guy asks me out in a romantic way shortly after meeting.

Talking of guys who are 'around' and who we chat and banter with regularly, they are all either married or 22-25 😂From the 25-year-olds I'd probably fancy a couple - if they were 35!! Actually unsure if they are lowkey flirting or we just have a really nice friendship, but either way it's irrelevant 😊

Unfortunately I don't work in a male dominated environment anymore where there was always the next attractive guy to potentially choose from, so I do have to socialise more to meet people.

Perhaps that's another hurdle - I've never had to go anywhere or do anything to meet guys, whereas these days life's a lot more 'online' and people spend a lot of time at home. It does genuinely feel a bit odd going out to town or an event as 'there may be guys there' 😂Prior I'd just go to work and be surrounded by guys and their friends.

Hi everyone. I wonder if I can join in the (questionable) dating "fun".

I thought I'd struck it remarkably lucky with online dating, having met someone I felt a pretty much instant connection with a few months ago. But, I think, once he got bored of the novelty of having someone to have sex with after a several year dry spell, he binned me and left me pretty broken-hearted.

I've switched apps to Hinge, which seems to have a much bigger pool than my previous app, but so far my recent dates have been a bit questionable. The first one was a definite man-child. And would have been too immature for me 20 years ago, nevermind now. The second, I met twice as he did seem to have a bit of potential. But he was very very handsy during a walk in the early evening on our first date. Despite me specifically saying that I felt uncomfortable, and that I wanted a bit more time to get to know one another before we decided if we wanted to become intimate, he slapped my arse in the middle of the street at the end of our second date and told me, very explicitly, all the things he wanted to do. After telling me that sleeping with someone casually "wasnt a part of his culture in the way it was a part of mine" in the pub less than an hour before. Righto.

Not sure if I should just give up and accept my destiny as a single "lady" on bus tours.

Charismatic does sound great - I love the effort he goes to to make your dates really special. ❤️ When are you seeing him next - do you have anything planned?

Did you always feel like this, or has it been triggered/exacerbated by Planes' recent unkind words?

I ask because, the first time I did OLD, and to a lesser extent when I started this time, I was pretty much convinced that the vast majority of men I dated would be hugely disappointed when they met me, and that if they did want to continue seeing me that would almost certainly be due to something I could offer them. (If I earned more than then, for example, or if they needed somewhere to live....). And I am convinced that this was due to one particularly unkind ex, who told me (among other things) that I was unattractive....

A surprising plus side of the many dates I have had recently, is that they have actually been really good for my self esteem, particularly regarding my physical attractiveness! I think the therapeutic work I have done over the last couple of years has boosted my essential sense of self worth, but I've perhaps needed the dates and the positive responses from a range of men, to actually persuade me I am sexually attractive (to some at least - I know it's very subjective) as well as being an intirnsically decent person.

That's not to say my confidence couldn't easily be knocked again - and no doubt will be.....

Welcome, @PotatoFruit!This thread is brilliant - an absolutely cracking, supportive, non-judgemental, emotionally intelligent bunch of women.....

Your recent dates sound shocking - I'm not sure I'd want an established lover slapping my arse in public, let alone someone I wasn't even intimate with.... And "part of your culture"? You what now?

Sometimes I really do despair of men. And I know it's not all men. But.....🤦🤦🤦

@Ilovelurchers Yes, it was pretty awful. And quite triggering. My children's dad left (eventually) just over a year ago. In retrospect, I can see that his behaviour is quite classically narcissistic, but he had me convinced that I was dependent on him and wouldnt manage alone, when the reverse is very much true. Having someone squeeze my arse in public is not a new thing for me, but its never been something I found anything other than humiliating.

My last partner was totally different and was very understanding of the trauma I had experienced. I think I then mistook what was a much more normal physical relationship as being an intense emotional connection for both of us. So I was pretty gutted when it ended.

I thought maybe jumping back on the dating bandwagon would offer me a distraction, and perhaps let me see that my most recent partner was right for me at the time, rather than my soul mate. But so far its not working out too well! I have a few other potential messengers, so I might see if any of them seem potentially sensible and less of an arse-slapper.

No, keep going if you want to - and welcome!

I think planes didn't help, but MrX saw me as his retirement plan I think.

I'm wondering if my dear late husband is just irreplaceable.

Any tips for meeting planes tomorrow?

He says he wants to find a way forward but I think I might be getting an invite to the harem.

@Nosdacariad I think heed your own advice on the rules of this thread lovely. It wasn’t just one amber flag, it was a full on bunting spree x

Thanks @UmberSheep I need the plain truth x

Do you have a clear objective for what you are hoping to get out of the meeting?

Remember Planes has form for talking you round, and he is likely to offer a plausible apology, explanation, and reassurances for the future. Bur he has done this before, and his dodgy behaviours have persisted.

If you want him to know how you are feeling, the meeting should provide an opportunity for you to tell him, so I would just go into it with a clear objective of what you want to say.

And remember (in the words of the Dua Lips song) - "If you're under him, you aren't getting over him! "

Meanwhile, I think I am going to have to cross Mr Cat off the list. I told him I am dating others (I am always open about this if they ask) and he has now asked me three times whether I "always kiss on dates". It's fucking weird! All I can think is that either:
A) he is trying to find out whether I sleep with them, in order to calculate the likelihood of me sleeping with him.
B) he has a kissing fetish and is just obsessed with kissing.
C) it's an INCEL thing - an attempt to imply I am some kind of prick tease.
D) it's a variant of a cuckolding thing and he is getting off on the idea of me with other men.

None of these floats my boat in any way! It's a shame because he is insanely hot in his pics, and we have been exchanging bland messages for so long he almost seems like a friend. But it's time to unmatch I think....

Also Mr Archeology needs to be cut loose too, I think. No home, no job..... And when I asked him what jobs he was applying for, he just flatly dodged the question. Again, he seems very attractive physically - he is also intelligent and interested in lots of things I love. But I think my poor mom would have a heart attack if I told her I was dating another jobless homeless guy.....

@Ilovelurchers So weird of Mr Cats, what an odd question! It would totally out me off too.

Not sure when I’m next seeing Mr Charismatic. We both work in full on corporate jobs and neither of us has kids. We tend not to plan in advance on when we’ll see each other (if we do it’s maybe a couple of days at most) and is typically once a fortnight. He’s currently away travelling so might see him this weekend, might not…

Personally, I wouldn’t go. I’d exit while I had the upper hand and send him one last message saying I’d changed my mind, there are too many non negotiables and it’s over. Hold your head high and move forward, he’s only going to continue bringing the drama xxx

I don't comment much on these threads but still follow along as I'm an old timer on here.

I've always wondered why Mr Planes has so many ex's hanging around and I think its linked to his ED - he can't perform in the bedroom so he gets his ego boosted and validation from having them all hanging around so he's developed quite a harem, unfortunately they all sound dysfunctional in their own way - I don't think they can see that the harem is not healthy.
You are not dysfunctional but you can see it.

Just remember all the negatives you've posted about before, for me the ED is a huge issue. Sex is so important in a relationship.
Also the not having any aspirations- what exactly is he doing for his business?
He's claiming UC and wants to defraud them so he has more money - that is something I hugely disagree with and would be misaligned values.

Could you list what his plus points are as I haven't seen any?

You are a strong, beautiful independent woman and you deserve the best

Think you’re right - no option is good with Mr Cat. He may though struggle with social cues - I said before Mr Not for Me suggested he could just lay on my bed whilst I slept 👀 when I turned down him staying - bloody weird - but he had mentioned ND too so I decided it was that or maybe that as well. However, still a big fat no to the lay on the bed, and to seeing him again - as it wasn’t for me this stuff - once weird is uncovered it cannot be forgotten!

Haha at your Mum and Mr Archeology - I wait on my 2nd daughter’s fellas to see what they will be taking from the table - last time I was glad he wasn’t a serial killer after previous line up of reprobates- still whilst that was a relief he wasn’t great for her - he’s just gone so we’ll see in a bit I’m sure - she is the ‘nicest’ of my kids and gets the worst guys bless her.

Do keep enjoying the dating though - work on less future planning! Did you ever read Village’s last message?

Find a way forward reads to me like persuade you to give him another chance!

The real question is what do you want to get out of meeting him? Do you want to stay friends with him? Give the relationship another chance? He has shown you who he is, it’s unlikely to get my better from here…

Work colleague Mr Social has now graduated from messaging me to leaving me a couple of voice notes today 🤔 Friendly banter, nothing flirty as such. I’ve sent one reply, unsure how much I should engage, although he does make me laugh!

Next week our entire office have a (belated) winter Xmas party after work. There will be an open bar and free Ubers home, so as you can imagine everyone is gearing up for quite a big night. I will of course be on my best behaviour 😇

@Nosdacariad- I like this reply - I think you may be best not listening to his bullshit whether it’s nice or goes mean.

I think you will probably go though - the heart is still there I think plus we always want to make stuff nice/normal - so you have to decide what you want - are you open to him promising better? How would that look? What would he need to do? Can what you need from him be defined? As I think you just want him to step up and show up as you thought he was going to do.

If it’s broken down into parts then there’s quite a list I think - work, UC scam, pub, harem, ED - a lot to change. If he says he will would you credit it?

Keep on posting - you’ll get bits of advice you can get onboard with even if some you can’t - and always, always our support 🍀

Ooh - I never do voice notes - I reckon I should awful on answer messages haha - but definitely upping his flirt game.

Party is definitely late lol - sounds worth waiting for - I always think it’s a great idea to have one more, or 10 more haha - possibly be more restrained at a work do though - possibly.

I appreciate you will be an absolute saint - but wondering what might be at the back of your mind lol? And his but I can’t ask him!

Haha oops that was meant to be “mid winter Xmas party”. As Xmas is in summer where I am 😊

@MsJinks
Unsure what's at the back of my mind. It's fun and I’m admittedly enjoying the attention but I don’t think I want anything to actually happen. Mainly because I don’t really know what I want from meeting anyone else at the moment and I’m conscious that could get particularly messy if it’s someone I have to work with.