The Dating Thread 60 - Summer Fling!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Just a question... Why would you 'settle' for anything? Are you looking to tick the box of being in a relationship, and therefore be in a relationship with someone you aren't attracted to? Or would you want to be in a relatioship because you've met someone who gives you a reason to be in one because of how you feel about them?

As for me, I feel a bit meh after my online dating experiment and perhaps a little tired in general. For example I notice I've become really bad at returning texts, can easily take me 4-5 days to reply. Before my OLD experiment I was really excited about life and the summer, and now I just feel like climbing into my cocoon. I don't think I'll do it again tbh, it's bad for my MH.

My friends invited me out the other night. There were actually several very attractive appropriately aged guys at the bar. It was some kind of solicitors night out. In my head I thought 'wow that blond one over there, I should talk to him' but in reality I justs didn't have the energy. Even with a couple of the guys trying to talk to me, I just didn't have the mental energy so closed the conversations off within 60 seconds.

Honestly don't know what's wrong with me, on the one hand I am really keen to have a hot fling if nothing else, on the other hand I shut down pretty much every opportunity to get to know someone.

Maybe I am just happier single and living in my little world.

@ElleintheWoods it sounds like you need a break. OLD is exhausting, and there is nothing more lonely than having several utterly uninspiring conversations on the go - it feels like a job. Even having a hot fling can be tiring!

@Ilovelurchers I don't think any of us are capable of settling. It is just not how we are built. We are not 18 year olds in our first relationship, who don't know our standards and boundaries.

The other thing I would say about attraction is that often that "head over heels" response to a total stranger is an anxiety / stress response - it is fun, but part of the excitement is the danger and uncertainty. I also (possibly wrongly) think that often decent men don't excite those feelings in us, because they are nervous about being too full on and OTT, and making us feel uncomfortable.

@BellaBlackberry83 Thanks for your reply. Just to clarify I don’t OLD/ habitually go on dates. Have gone on 2 dates in 12 months. I feel like my identity is dating-curious 🤣 A bit like these men on the apps that chat but never actually bother to meet!

I like the idea of it but just can’t be bothered 🤣

Good question - I don't feel any strong need to be in a relationship on a day to day level (I like my own company, enjoy the freedom and independence of being single, etc). I do like the idea of falling in love again - sex is a big part of that (sex with my FWB is great on a physical level, but there is an additional element to sex with someone you are in love with, that I would love to feel again).

I would also like to have a boyfriend with whom I could have meals our, theatre trips, weekends away..... All that stuff is fun to do on my own, or with a friend or my daughter or my mom, but it would be nice to have the option of doing it with a romantic partner too sometimes - for reasons I can't quite articulate that just makes certain experiences a bit more special, for me.

But you are right, none of this is a reason to "settle". I tend to be impatient (not just with relationships, with everything). As soon as I form a plan, I want to set it in motion. And now I have decided it would be nice to have a boyfriend, I want one to materialise!

Bur thinking about that, that's silly. There is no point pursuing a relationship with a guy who wouldn't make me happy. Equally I know I won't find anybody perfect, because nobody is perfect (least of all me!). But I probably do need to relax, keep dating, keep learning from each experience, until the right one comes along (if indeed he ever does!)

Funnily enough, Village has messaged, but I have yet to read it! (He didn't read my message for 24 hours, and while I won't wait that long, I am trying to energy match at least a little). It could be a thanks but no thanks, of course. I'll be fine if it is (unless it's particularly cruel.....)

You and @Ilovelurchers are right x

So do I send something sarky about no response?

I think leaving it is the best option. Draw a line under it all xx

What kind of effed upness is this?

Honestly I think you would be best just to have some space away from it all. What would meeting with him achieve, other than to give him an opportunity to try and win you back again? I know it’s super hard at this stage and way easier said than done, but I think now is the time to exit stage left and refuse to engage any further. He’s just trying to draw you back in.

Hello all! It's been two threads since I last posted - had a lot of things going on (not romantic!) which has meant little time for dating. My son is about to fledge - he's had final exams and a complicated year out to plan so I've been preoccupied with that.

I skimmed through the last couple of threads and @Nosdacariad I'm sure you made the right decision - as well as everything else, the avoidance around dealing with his ED is a big warning sign. I know from experience with this guy I was seeing at the end of last year that if they don't actively address it, things will never magically improve...

I told Mr Producers that the distance and his responsibilities would be too much of a problem to try to nurture a relationship and he sent me an absolutely beautiful message. Such a gentleman.

In the meantime, and partly to distract myself with my son leaving 😥I have an ongoing chat with someone who may also be a bit far away - MrPolyglot. Lots of green flags so far - sociable, loyal - he's a year out from a long term relationship of two decades - similar politics/ values to me. We have a date set up on the 8th!

@Chocolatefreak sounds great!

Crickets from 🛩🛩 he is messed up.

You know what I think of him
but I also know how hard it is to detach when you have feelings

I knew my last relationship would be a disaster but I just couldn’t leave it alone

He really is! Clearly just playing some kind of power game. You will have bruises his ego by finishing with him - he probably wants to lie to himself and convince himself he could get you back if he wanted to.....

You should do whatever is best for your peace and mental health. That might well be ignoring him. Or maybe you want to send a message telling him what you feel about him, and then block? Sometimes that Dan be cathartic.

It's whatever works for you. Try not to worry about what he thinks. Who cares? He probably doesn't even really know himself what he wants.....

Meanwhile, Mr Comedy has asked me for a date tomorrow! I can't make it but have told him the nights I am free next week. At least he seems keen - I think I should see him again - it was a really enjoyable date, and the attraction could grow.

In fact, this sounds stupid and irrational but I wonder if what is putting me off him, attraction-wiae, is that his profile pics were pretty bad. He was actually much better looking in the flesh! But maybe I had convinced myself I wouldn't fancy him, so I wasn't really looking for it. If that makes sense? (I mean, I know it makes no sense! But the mind can work in funny ways.....)

I do worry slightly that he may have cock-lodger vibes too. He currently rents a room in a woman's home. Well more than one room actually, I think it might be a mini apartment, which is not so bad I guess..... He does work, though his work does sound a little unstable. And he did talk about moving in with his last ex quite quickly, even though she had lots of red flags from what he said, so that made me wonder.....

I am hyper vigilant about this, having suffered at the hands of a cock lodger before.....

Oh good spidey senses. The photos would not bother me.

The living situation and the job...how enmeshed are they would be my question and is it planes? (how old is he?).

Planes got back and suggested some stuff but did not apologise for leaving me hanging.

I don't think it's Planes - imagine 😱😱😱

We are in the West Midlands - is that your area?

I think he said he was 56?

(He looks younger).

He has his own business, but it sounds a bit sketchy? I described it to my mom and she said 'he sells knock off" - I don't think it's quite that - but still I couldn't fully understand how the business works, where the stock comes from, and how or generates enough for him to live off.....

To be fair, I am not looking for a husband, or to cohabit, so maybe his finances shouldn't bother me? But I've to an extent been financially exploited in three of my five relationships - so it does bother me a bit.

I think it speaks to character. Dogdy business? Mooching off women?

I don't think it's planes (wrong area slightly wrong age) but I'll pm you a pic if you want to check.

Planes is "setting up" a business and as far as I can tell the business model is drinking and chatting - which unless one is the landlord I'm struggling to see the profit in.

@Nosdacariad- I knew he’d be in touch - and to get the apology is good.

I think though once you responded and said you’d talk then he’d locked in a win, in his book, so it could all go off his radar again and be back to low effort - plus he will absolutely know you were sitting on pins waiting for the response and so that would heighten your need to see him - he knows women don’t forget and how they operate, or he would not be maintaining a harem.

Its up to you of course, and I know the heart wants what the heart wants- and we will all support whatever you decide, but I tend to think it’s already spoiled and at this early stage is it worth working on. My youngest ‘worked’ on stuff with her ex for about 2 years after some ‘events’ early on - it was painful and ended in a complete binfire that she is still struggling with - although she does have her own issues - her self esteem though is totally shattered.

That’s just a random example - maybe it would be different for you and it would work -,but I know you deserve so much more - you’re clearly warm, loving, friendly, caring and definitely punching above planes.

Keep on posting - do something nice just for you and be kind to yourself 💗

Pretty much what I want - also impatient lol. I didn’t really expect it at 60 though and settled for single just then looked for the odd date.

I’ve fell lucky with Mr T in that it’s awesome chemistry, awesome chats and just lovely dates - just soending time with him is so nice - I don’t know though where it may go and get weird anxiety still about that - I have no anxiety anywhere else in my life as I’m fortunate not to worry really so idk what that’s about, men I guess or previous relationships- I also can’t bear adult conversations about this either - still at 60! - I just want it to happen and happen how I want it haha! Really I should just enjoy the luck I already have and I generally can do that now - it’s the overthinking that kills you!

Matching energy is the best way to go - Gemini helps me with that if I have a mini panic about text responses too.

Mr Comedy - sounds promising as in fun and some attraction - I get the fear of cocklodgers though - maybe just keep an eye on it? I didn’t go anywhere with Mr Not for Me but I was aware his current ‘business’ sounded a bit odd and he was living with his son - for now he said till he got somewhere - that would never have even phased me to think about younger but I’d definitely protect assets now and myself from the scroungers.

Maybe your cab light just isn’t quite on yet? As per sex in the city.

That ennui about dating is well known to me - and I can’t even say why I made the effort this time around - I went on OLD as before to distract from ironing and suddenly there were folk to talk to like there hadn’t been for years haha! Also whilst got current date from OLD I notice I did interact more in real life as well with guys - maybe could have got a date that way.

It is annoying when a fling would be so much fun, or a few dates, but something is stopping it - maybe it’s the universe saying no not right now - and you maybe should just enjoy friends, single etc for a bit for a reason that may become apparent later? I mean I don’t see much reason for my wait tbf lol but I’m in a better place in life than a couple of years ago in general - and really enjoying Mr T - so possibly it worked better or I avoided some other awful guy 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think when you’re ready - when your body knows you’re ready, or the universe - then it will happen.

Unfortunately I am on the phone app so can't do private messaging. But Mr Comedy guy definitely lives in Birmingham, so it can't be Planes. There are obviously a lot of these guys out there! (In fact, one of my FWBs also rents a room in a woman's house he seems to pay well under the going rate for - there seems to be a lot of it about among men of roughly our age!)

Without being too outing, Comedy's job involves buying stuff cheap and selling it for a bit more money without actually dealing with the stuff directly - items, not drugs! - but still I can't really see how it works or makes him enough money. To be fair, he is also an artist (and dabbles in stand up) and I can see why he doesn't want a full on career as he wants to pursue these aspects too - so I am probably sounding a bit judgemental here....

Anyway, he has asked me out next week on the very first evening I have available - his keeness is flattering I guess!

Mr Village is still messaging occasionally but no mention of a date. Now I think about it, he did talk about not wanting anything too full on - I assumed he just meant that he wasn't thinking co-habitation, marriage etc - hearing what I wanted to hear I guess. Now I wonder if he meant that he wants someone to see about once a month or something ... I definitely want a bit more than that!

Anyway, I am keeping my options open. I have a date booked in with Mr Good Looking soon, and Mr Cat (who is actually even better looking than Mr Good Looking) is back from his holiday soon and I am hoping we will arrange a date at that point. (Though he is the one I matched with initially on a different app and finally unmatched because he wouldn't meet in person - so I am not holding my breath..). There are two or three others I am chatting to that I would potentially date too.

This is really the first time in my adult life that I have been dating for any length of time - and I often thought when in relationships that it was maybe something I had missed out on - so I want to try to lean into the fun, freedom, flirtation and flattery. (And maybe there might be something else starting with an "f" I can eventually add to the list 😉). My therapist suggested last time I tried OLD that I try to be less future-focused and enjoy it for what it is.....

I want to give that mindset a try!

@Ilovelurchers but so hard not to be future focused.

@MsJinks thank you. I will have a conversation tomorrow but will not be getting carried away.

@Ilovelurchers that would all bother me too (not the lack of attraction, so much as the lifestyle instability). Even though you will be hyper aware of any cocklodging activity, the lack of stability may be evidence of more fundamental incompatibility.

However, the only decision you need to make right now is whether you want a second date. You do. So no need to overthink it at the moment (as a fellow overthinker, I get it). My Village strikes me as a bit of a timewaster, but I am pleased you have two others lined up.

If you learn how to be less future focused, please let me know your secret!

I know what your both mean about being future-focused - it's an image instinct, really hard to overrule. But it did make sense when my therapist said it - my urge to secure things for the future has often led to me rushing into things rather than having the patience to wait and assess my options....

An example would be an iron I am chatting to at the moment, who I will call Mr Archeology. He's good looking, interesting, intelligent. But he is also jobless and homeless by his own admission. (Well, he is doing casual work as a painter and decorator as a friend, and I suspect living in the property he is painting while he works on it, but nothing permanent). I could date him - it might be fun and enjoyable. But knowing his situation is so precarious, I would be well aware it couldn't really go anywhere, and that would stop me enjoying it, I feel.

Mr Comedy's sitatuon is a bit better - but not by much!