The Dating Thread 60 - Summer Fling!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

He mostly got drunk when not with me (he didn't have much more than a couple of pints with me normally).

You may be right that chronic alcohol consumption was a factor plus age plus (and sorry to repeat myself) taking an SSRI, not getting what Greg Davies charmingly calls "dick pills" and probably also having the "death grip".

Almost all of these solvable. But not by me.

@Ilovelurchers good job 👏👏👏

I have Mr H&S sunday night 😁

@Nosdacariadand @Ilovelurchers- good luck with the dates - hope they’re at least enjoyable 🍀

Wayching some band then football with Mr T tomorrow but I have grandkids Sunday so will have to maintain restraint in pub and at his 😆

Bloody Hell, this guy I matched with just asked me why "there is a massive time difference between his messages and my replies".

Sometimes I have taken a few hours to reply, because I have been at work or out with friends or whatever, but never more than 6 hours (apart from over night). Is this particularly terrible? What does he expect?

My FWB can occasionally be a bit shitty with me if he feels I don't text him enough, and that in itself pisses me off, but at least he is someone I ACTUALLY know and have a history with. Not some random stranger.

I have immediately unmatched but also feel weirdly upset by it. I know I shouldn't.....

Ah they’re knobs these guys - I’ve had ‘don’t ignore me’ and more blunt messages - without me even doing that.

Dont let them
get to you Lurchers - I wonder if they’re mock up accounts just to be nasty to folk for any reason. But it is interesting to see so many guys think they’re actually entitled to berate us women for nothing.

Bullet dodged - but it is depressing to find out so many absolute knobs and abusive folk walk amongst plus - I get that - not all though. 💐

This is an absolute bullet dodged. Sounds attached to his phone for one.

@Ilovelurchers have you tried any in-person singles events? I was just thinking given you seem quite up for throwing yourself out there, that it might work for you. My friend goes to ones with padel, walks and things. She has not had success but knows people who have.

Thank you - I do wonder if this demanding and expecting our attention is a specifically male thing - I could be wrong, but I can't imagine many women would approach it in this way, even if they did feel frustrated by slow responses from a match. There is a certain sense of entitlement in thinking it's acceptable to complain about this, and literally demand more attention.....

Anyway, I guess I should be relieved that he showed his hand so early - if he is like this when we haven't even met or arranged a date, imagine how he would be with someone he was actually involved with.....

Thank you - I haven't but would be up for this - I will have a look over the weekend, see what's available in my area... I also wouldn't mind trying speed dating, but I have no idea how to find such events - I never see anything like this advertised. On the rare occasions I see single nights they are not for my age range. (I am 47). I did see a singles board game event a couple of months ago, and so vaguely regret not going to that. Not that I am a massive board games fanatic, but I would try anything once .....

It's his issue, sorry he upset you. It sounds weirdly controlling.

If I was in a relationship and did not get a reply for ages and I knew the person was online I might be miffed, but not this!

What does H and S stand for? Have been trying to work it out.....

As I have now hit the ten first dates mark with no second dates, I decided to put it all out there with Gemini and see if she could spot any patterns. According to her I'm "doing great" (really????) But need to work on my pre-date screening.

She also cleverly identified that I have a tendency to be more attracted to those who are less available (Comedy and Village, the only ones I actively wanted to see again, both of whom turned out to be unavailable in the end). She suggests that if I broadly like someone, even if there isn't much chemistry, I should give them the chance of a second date. There are a couple that, looking back, perhaps I could have?

Not sure though. Again, I am forced to reflect that, though highly intelligent, Gemini doesn't actually have a libido and can't actually know what sexual chemistry (or indeed its opposite) feels like.....

She is a useful tool though. And cheaper and easier to access than therapy, and broadly as effective, in the sense that she reframes things for you and challenges you to think differently about things, even if she isn't right all the time. (Therapy can't be an exact science, after all .....)

Elf and safety 😁

Have you time to give some of them a second date? Going forward?

Of course! Sorry. The heat is slowing my brain down even more than usual.....

I do have time to, it's just that when I decide I am not attracted to them, a strange thing happens in my brain and I almost become actively repulsed by them - even though objectively they aren't repulsive guys at all. Or maybe it's not then themselves I am repulsed by, it's more that I imagine becoming intimate with them and it horrifies me a bit.

It's weird, I always used to be quite broad minded in terms of who I could be attracted to. But these days the field seems very narrow. It's not that I have lost my libido, it's just become very focused somehow bland doesn't seem to apply to very many people ... A hormonal thing perhaps? Or an avoidant thing.....

Are you still hung up on someone?

I can't imagine even kissing someone else right now apart from planes 😭

That's a good question.

Up until recently, I had hopes that my FWB would actually commit to a proper relationship with me - he was amazingly supportive when my dad passed, and I wasn't thinking very clearly and misread that support as a desire for exclusivity. It wasn't....

But to be honest, even if he asked me for an exclusive relationship now I would say no, as I know it couldn't work. I'm not in love with him, though I do love him on some levels.

And the attraction is still very strong, so I think I do probably compare other men to him in that sense, and find them lacking.....

And obviously if I started seeing someone seriously, the benefits aspect of our friendship would have to stop, and although I feel like I am ready for that, it's possible that subconsciously I am not?

I wonder if you will be open to dating while you are bonded to FWB?

Only you will know xxx

Yeah, I have been starting to wonder whether I actually need to go cold turkey and stop seeing him. It will have to end anyway if and when I meet someone I want to pursue a relationship with. So am I just postponing the inevitable?

Realistically, I won't even be able to be friends with him in any active sense, as I don't think it would be fair on a boyfriend for me to have a friend who up until recently I was having the best sex of my life with - I wouldn't like that if the situation was reversed! So although I will always wish him well, our relationship will have to change drastically if I meet someone. (And the same for him too, although he claims he is not looking for anything exclusive with anyone.... But I know people say these things, and he could meet the love of his life at any time).

But another part of me thinks, I am always so much more relaxed and happy after I have seen him - I do think good sex is good for mental health.....

@UmberSheep@MsJinks@BellaBlackberry83 Ahhh thank you for your comments and support.

Just got home from my date with Mr Charismatic (it’s late Saturday morning here). We went out to a very cute and cosy French restaurant last night. Small place, intimate atmosphere, candles, fairy lights, and amazing food. Mr C was the perfect gentleman as usual, holding doors open and just generally making me feel very well looked after!

Then this morning I put my big girl pants on and asked him how he was feeling about things between us, as it feels like we are more than just FWB but not really in a relationship either. It seems he is still quite happy with the status quo, he said that he had been enjoying our time together but wasn’t sure what else to say at this point as he hadn’t really given our situation much thought since we last spoke about it 🤦‍♀️ He also said that relationship wise he’s not sure how that would work, as longer term he isn’t sure where he will end up living (we are in New Zealand but he is English).

I am moving house at the end of next week and will be very close by, he said he was really looking forward to me being closer and to being able to pop in and see each other more easily (as I’ll be a. 10 min walk or very short drive). He said we should wait until I’ve moved and then revisit the conversation.

I think I am fine with there being no long-term plan/commitment but I wish I’d asked him about exclusivity. Given he’s said nothing about it though, I’m assuming he is still seeing other people, or at least wants that as an option. I think I probably should just wait until I move house though and see how things go. I do genuinely love spending time with him and have feelings for him, and it could actually be awesome having him close by, even with our current non-relationship arrangement. But I’m conscious that it is definitely preventing me from seeing other people, as right now no one else really seems to be able to live up to the same standard.

That sounds tough, on he one hand if you enjoy spending time with him then I’m sure that’s quite hard to let go of! But longer term might mean you’re less emotionally available to genuinely meet someone else. I can totally relate to this situation!

Sounds like you have quite a few dates lined up though. I guess there’s no rush to decide anything so maybe just see how you go…?

@BellaBlackberry83 That’s very sweet of Mr Physics! Glad to hear things are going well, it sounds like he is making quite the effort!

@MsJinks Has it really been 3 months?! Wow that’s so good, super happy for you!

@BoxOfCats that sounds really tricky and frankly a bit of a headfuck. As wonderful as Mr C sounds, I would just keep an eye on your mental health with it - I can absolutely see myself going into a similiar situation, then realising that it isn't working for me and is actually doing me more harm than good, but then struggling to extricate myself due to how good teh dates are. But you know you have all our support anyway!

@Ilovelurchers I have just counted, and I did 19 first dates in a row with no second date. I had several conversations with friends where I genuinely asked them if they thought I was dead inside. They thought that was a joke, but it wasn't to me. I honestly doubted my ability to actually feel anything for anyone. It is just luck, the sparse nature of the dating pool, and our unwillingness to accept anything less than what we want.

In terms of the FWB, only you can answer whether he helps or hinders. I have never had an FWB (unfortunately, would love one) so can't relate directly. I think as long as you keep firmly in mind that no man is going to be able to live up to him at a first date, because it is simply not possible on so brief an acquaintence, then it should be OK to keep going with it. I haven't heard you say at any point "I had a bit of spark with Mr X, but he cannot compare to FWB". The reality is that you haven't had a spark with any of them. It is only when you do have that spark with someone (and you will) that FWB comes into it. Just my thoughts.

Mr Physics is taking me for a surprise day out today. He has planned it all, I have no idea what we are doing! I guess his choices will reveal a lot...