Do all men want it all the time?

[Justaquestionplease]

DH and I have been together for 15 years...we probably have sex 1-3 times a week. Occasionally less, rarely more. I'd happily have more but I'm absolutely fine with this....he is also happy with this.

However all I seem to read on posts here, in the media and amongst other women is how their husbands want sex all the time and can't leave them alone. My DH doesn't want sex all the time. He is not constantly all over me. All these things I read now just make me insecure. Why doesn't he when all other women's husbands want sex all the time? Am I ugly? Is there something unattractive about me? Now I know objectively I'm not ugly... I'm conventionally attractive and still get chatted up by men if I go out. But I just can't help but wonder what is so wrong with me compared to all these other women who have rampant husbands? It really gnaws away at my self esteem.

So I guess my question is...do all men want sex all the time? If you're in a long term relationship is your DH more like mine? I feel like a freak as a woman.

Frequency of 1-3 times per week is normal. My husband and I probably average twice a week (we're both 52).
It sounds like perhaps communication is your issue, so tell your husband you like hearing his thoughts daily, ie not just when you're having sex - you want him to tell you how sexy/attractive he finds you whilst doing the everyday, mundane stuff.

This isn't a sex issue, this is a you issue, you've a self-esteem issue I would say. Sex isn't everything and how much sex you have it's not the barometer to measure yourself against. If you want sex every day because that's your sex drive, that's fine. If you want it every day because it is the only way you feel good about yourself then that's not so fine. We can show our partners we value them in all sorts of ways and being married is about being a team, a best friend as well as a sexual partner.

In my great and varied experience men do not want sex all the time. Men seem to have good PR in this department about how they're always up for it etc. The reality is that they aren't and as they slide into middle age they definitely aren't. In fact I'd call the concept laughable.

I really don't understand where this idea comes from. I can't remember ever turning down sex with any boyfriend/DH but I've certainly been knocked back more than I'd like.

You're overthinking it. Most of the posts on that thread will be about men who aren't getting as much sex as they want.

I'm male, and I've always thought that I'd want sex every day. DP and I have always been a bit feast and famine. Basically our sex life has been entirely down to her hormones. For one week a month, she basically wants it daily, the next two weeks we might do it once if I'm lucky. And then there'll be a week of nothing.

On the weeks where DP isn't up for it, I masturbate once or twice a day. Always have, figured that was just how much I wanted it. So obviously, sex every day, that'd be the dream, right?

Well, about two years ago, DP hit perimenopause, and now she wants it all the time. She would happily have sex ever night, maybe even twice. Great news right? I'm living the dream!

Am I fuck. Turns out, sex is a lot more effort than a quick wank. I cannot do that every day. I tried to keep up, because I thought "How long is this going to last? Better make the most of it" But I actually got to the point where I started dreading going to bed, because I just wanted to read my book and go to sleep, rather than feel obligated to have sex.

Turns out, around 4 times a week is my sweet spot. I love DP, I fancy her and find her incredibly attractive. That was true when I met her, and it's true 20 years later. But 4 times a week is just enough for me. I don't need it more, and I'll likely enjoy it less if I try to have sex more often than that.

Sounds like for your husband @Justaquestionplease , 1 to 3 times a week is the sweet spot. That says absolutely nothing about how much he fancies you, how attractive he finds you. It's not about you at all. That's just what his sex drive is. You really don't need to worry about it.

(To add, obviously, all of the above is a simplification. My sex drive varies, just like anyone elses. There are weeks and months where I've not wanted sex at all. When I'm grieving, under the weather, stressed about work, all these things have an effect. As does having a week of work or being on holiday etc, but in the opposite direction. I'm male, not a machine.)

Is this parody or just peak MN?

Everyone is different and their is always a exception to the rule.I think their is a difference between wanting it and being satisfied by what you get . I think a reasonable proportion of men would be happy to indulge on the daily but are completely fine and satisfied with 3 times a week ,the daily grind and other aspects of life take over the need to be all over each other . I think most couples are like that . I think you and your husband are doing fine and you are overthinking it .

She would happily have sex ever night, maybe even twice. Great news right? I'm living the dream!
Am I fuck

This is funny. I do wonder when I hear women say their husbands would want sex several times a day ...If they really would? Or is it just bravado.

OP I think 1-3 times a week is a LOT! I'd be happy with once a week/fortnight and that's what we do. Think that's normal and don't think it reflects he's any less attracted to me than someone who was constantly pawing at me, which I'd hate.

Men who pester for sex would pester anyone - it's not about their partners being irresistible.

You sound a little insecure about your looks though - why, have something made you feel this way? Does your DH tell you you are beautiful regularly etc? Or just stroke your hair/face and say nice things? Maybe you need more of this sort of thing, not sex.

Everyone's sex drive is different ideally we would all marry someone with an identical sex drive. You would like a bit more sex than your DH that doesn't make him wrong and you right or you less attractive you are just slightly different in sex drive. Aren't there any days when you think actually I'd prefer a nice cup of tea?

Honestly no. Maybe I'm very unusual. I think as well when I'm stressed I actually find sex to help..I find it a stress reliever whereas my DH is the opposite and stress totally kills his mood.

What is the question here?
You’ve asked if you’re ugly a few times but also clearly stated you’re attractive.
Maybe you’re so attractive he’s intimidated by you op.

Yes I definitely am a contradiction. I feel like I'm attractive and I make a huge amount of effort with hair, make up and clothes. I work out a lot and try to stay in shape. I get compliments and men pay me attention. But I do place a huge value on how I look which is not something I like about myself...I also really crave male validation which is a ghastly trait and I really dislike this about myself too.

How old are you both?

I used to feel like you , i equated sexual desire to mean my husband loved me but it was my lack of self esteem that made me this way .
I’m older now 60’s and realise that he shows love in other ways , his desire for sex has really diminished in the past few years and I found that very hard at the time , we talked about it and he made me realise from his point of view that he felt the same way about me as always just didn’t want as much sex . I’m happy with this as it works for us . It was my skewed way of thinking that I was only desirable if he wanted sex all the time but i know I’m desirable and loved and that really takes the pressure off .
hope you find your happy compromise .

I would guess that the people saying their DHs want sex ‘all the time’ are not having swx 1-3 times a week. They are very likely to be more like once a month and then get upset when the DH tries to initiate it more.

Your problem here is equating your self worth to some imaginary stereotype about husbands.

As you can see from this thread, lots of people have sex less often than that. Men are individuals and some of them will have higher or lower sex drives and also different ways of approaching it. Whether or not your husband wants sex daily or is 'all over' you is fuck all to do with where you fall on some international scale of attractiveness and far more to do with his individual needs and personality. You need to calm down and stop obsessing over whether or not you're attractive 'enough' - you've said you're both happy with your sex life, so you're actually not even measuring it against what would make you happy, you're measuring it against some mythical idea of What All Men Are Like. Which is ridiculous because there is no such thing.

Do you want it, sir? Ooh, suits you sir.

He sounds totally normal to me. Just because you're not having full penetrative sex doesn't mean you don't desire each other, don't flirt. Men's libido is controlled by testosterone, dopamine and a few other things. Just because his might be different from a few rampant men doesn't mean he's not attracted to you.

Please don't make him feel bad or insecure for being normal!!

I think 1-3 times a week is an exceptionally healthy sex life, i wouldn’t think you have anything to worry about to be honest, everyone is different, when i was growing up i could have coped with 3 or more times a day but now i’m older (and hopefully wiser) a few times a month or once a twice a week would suit me just fine, as you grow older your needs change, sometimes just a cuddle up on the sofa and some crap TV is enough, especially when you have kids constantly on your heels all day.

1-3 times a week is loads. It sounds like you both enjoy what you have: IMo it’s a pain living with someone who’s obese end! It’s not a nice feeling to have someone pouncing on you whether you want them to or not!

Obese end was meant to say oversexed!!

No, they don’t. Ignore the nonsense on here and remember that you are happy and he is happy, and if you are worried talk to your husband

No way. My DH has always preferred his laptop and Netflix.

Absolutely not. Mine doesn't want it at all. With anyone ever again.

No I aren't happy about it and it's been 3 years. I am looking to leave. There is a lot more to this than what I am putting here but I think mumsnet is not the place to find the average.

This thread has helped me so much..thank u all!