Do all men want it all the time?

[Justaquestionplease]

DH and I have been together for 15 years...we probably have sex 1-3 times a week. Occasionally less, rarely more. I'd happily have more but I'm absolutely fine with this....he is also happy with this.

However all I seem to read on posts here, in the media and amongst other women is how their husbands want sex all the time and can't leave them alone. My DH doesn't want sex all the time. He is not constantly all over me. All these things I read now just make me insecure. Why doesn't he when all other women's husbands want sex all the time? Am I ugly? Is there something unattractive about me? Now I know objectively I'm not ugly... I'm conventionally attractive and still get chatted up by men if I go out. But I just can't help but wonder what is so wrong with me compared to all these other women who have rampant husbands? It really gnaws away at my self esteem.

So I guess my question is...do all men want sex all the time? If you're in a long term relationship is your DH more like mine? I feel like a freak as a woman.

Yes, I assume in the context of frequency and you would have sex more…. She said her ex even rejected her advances. She hasn’t tried to make you feel worse.

I think you know that your sex life is just fine. If you are happy and he is happy, you don’t need to compare.

Different people have radically different sex drives. There are plenty of women who would see a husband wanting sex 3 times a week as a total sex pest. And a man constantly at you for sex is often not about how attractive he finds you and is just about him wanting sex. If you and your husband are having sex 1 to 3 times a week you’re doing A LOT better than plenty of people, and if you’re both happy with that then you’re also in the fortunate boat of having relatively matched libidos. So you’ve got a lot to be happy about. I wouldn’t be worrying if I were you.

In my experience yes they want it all the time

No, not all men are like that. We, men and women, are often like that in the earlier stages of a relationship but in time other things intervene, you go to bed knackered and struggle to get up in the morning.

Your marriage sounds great.

OP I do feel self esteem is the key issue here. 1 to 3 times a week is fine. Did you know the UK average is once a week? But this is about what has got in head, he doesn't want to have sex every day/multiple times a day so he must not desire me. But you have conflated two things. He clearly desires you as have sex multiple times every week. That is not the case in many relationships. Look at ways to build your self esteem that are not based on - the number of times he wants sex per week equals how much he desires me. It is not a maths equation. You deserve to feel good about yourself, that comes from within.

Honestly, I feel sorry for your DH. You are being ridiculous, and no, all men do not want it all the time.

He’s probably fed up of listening to you moan about it. It will be draining and off putting to have to constantly reassure you.

This is a you problem, you should seek therapy.

No, not all men want it all the time. Just like not all women want it all the time.

2 choices, grow up and enjoy your relationship. Or find someone with a higher sex drive.

In such instances why can’t you not “sort yourself out”?

I agree that a good orgasm does relieve stress, even period cramps etc but that is a lot to put on your husband. He is not your fidget toy - he is a human being.

Tone is always hard to interpret by text but you seem needy, insecure, focused on being perceived to be physically attractive and a bit demanding. That is not a combo I would be drawn to in a partner.

I think you need to work on your self esteem and by this I mean your WHOLE self. There must be more to you than whether or not you are pleasing to the male gaze. Stop counting how often you have sex and then comparing it to randoms on the internet. Work on your confidence and get out of your own head. Enjoy your relationship without all the tallying and comparing.

Euch. All these ppl on here jumping on each other like rabbits. I rarely want sex and think it would be far more appropriate if willies somehow fell off after ppl had been in relationships for a few years. Much better for solving population growth. Im surprised we havent evolved to do this yet.

No. DH had probably less sex drive than me to start with, but it evened out over time.

I think the main question in all this is whether you actually like your DH? Sex is just one part of a relationship but you seem to be making it the most / only important part. I don’t mean that to say you should go without but relationships are a partnership which change over time. Discussion is the key to managing relationships. At the moment you just seem to be pushing him away which makes me wonder if you actually like or love him? Perhaps some counselling would be useful?

😉

Where does your insecurity come from? Men are all different. They range from wanting sex every day to not wanting sex at all. (The latter being the one of the biggest categories)

What you have is perfectly normal.

It does depend on age but I would guess that very few men, beyond their early 30s, in a marriage/long term relationship, want to feel obliged to perform after a long day at work and going out drinking.

And you are putting all the pressure on him! He turns up to you desperate for sex the moment he walks through the door and you are sad/cross if he isn’t in the mood.

You have an average sex life, these days maybe even a little more than average. The statistics are all available, so I don’t know why you think your husband is in some way odd or unique.

This is a recipe to put any man off and potentially even cause sexual dysfunction issues.

You really need to have individual counselling first and then maybe couples’ counselling to resolve your issues of having so much of your self esteem dependent upon being constantly sexually desired.

Do you actually like your husband as a person. Do you like doing things with him or having interesting conversations?

Anyway, I have rarely seen a thread so unanimous in its responses and you need to read them and think about what you really want here.

I have done something very similar with DH actually. Told him that I would be joining a site for married dating. But for context, we were having NO sex at all. Of course I didn't do it. Things did improve for a while, but we are now back to only doing the deed about once a quarter. Thankfully for me, my sex drive has lowered a bit, as I'm peri. But in all honesty, if I could choose, I would love sex twice a week. For more context, I am very pretty.

My first H had a much higher sex drive than DH. The downside was that he was cheating constantly. Not one of the women he cheated with was prettier than me, in fact some were ugly - it didn't matter - any hole was goal.

Your sex life sounds perfect. I think you are self sabotaging for some reason.

Thank you so much for these responses, even the harsh ones. It has given me a lot to think about. Fwiw I do like my DH as a person...he is a great man and I have no idea why he puts up with me. I definitely do not want my relationship to end...I would be truly devastated. I have no idea why so much of my self worth is tied up with my desirability and attractiveness. I had a normal upbringing.

My DH has only wanted sex once this year OP. How do you think I feel? I’d be more than happy with 3 times a week!

This can't be real surely. If it is, OP you need therapy for your self esteem issues. Your poor husband.

@Justaquestionplease ,

I think that update acknowledging that it is, at least mainly, a ‘you’ problem and not a ‘him’ problem is very important.

But now you need to act on it, before he does leave you, and based on some of your recent interactions, that could easily happen.

How are you going to stop yourself falling back into that mindset and start valuing yourself as more than just a physically a desirable object?

Get into therapy/counselling.

Your behaviour right now is likely to destroy your relationship. It would be well worth the money to address this.

Just read your edited post. I am not a man...or some weirdo posting for kicks. I'm a 40 something wife and mother and post on Mumsnet regularly about all sorts of things.

I think you need help. Your poor husband having to deal with you. You are absolutely horrible to him and incredibly shallow.

"I have no idea why so much of my self worth is tied up with my desirability and attractiveness. I had a normal upbringing."

Well, you grew up in patriarchy, which is "normal" but it's not healthy. It's like sewerage water - the fish that swim in it think it is "normal" and it's weird not to have constant infections.

You are a product of this unhealthiness but the good news is that you can change this. You don't have to be a sex pest, threatening your H and your relationship with your grasping need for validation that you are worthy. You can validate yourself! Because you are worthy and loveable all by yourself.

Well I think I will definitely look into therapy for myself.

Fwiw I'm not a sex pest! I actually rarely initiate as i feel worried he will only say yes to it out of pity for me. He tells me this is ridiculous.

Sorry, but the effect it has on your mood and behaviours like snapping about how unattractive you must be, it never being enough and threatening to seek sex elsewhere fall into "sex pest" category.

You need to regulate yourself and seem to need some help with that.