Do all men want it all the time?

[Justaquestionplease]

DH and I have been together for 15 years...we probably have sex 1-3 times a week. Occasionally less, rarely more. I'd happily have more but I'm absolutely fine with this....he is also happy with this.

However all I seem to read on posts here, in the media and amongst other women is how their husbands want sex all the time and can't leave them alone. My DH doesn't want sex all the time. He is not constantly all over me. All these things I read now just make me insecure. Why doesn't he when all other women's husbands want sex all the time? Am I ugly? Is there something unattractive about me? Now I know objectively I'm not ugly... I'm conventionally attractive and still get chatted up by men if I go out. But I just can't help but wonder what is so wrong with me compared to all these other women who have rampant husbands? It really gnaws away at my self esteem.

So I guess my question is...do all men want sex all the time? If you're in a long term relationship is your DH more like mine? I feel like a freak as a woman.

1-3 times per sounds good and it obviously works for the two of you, some people want more some less, but some men are just gropey sex pests no matter how often they have sex. I am an old gimmer and far from gorgeous but I have never based my attractiveness on how much sex my dh wants, or whether he watches porn for that matter, when we both fancy it we do it. Don't over think it.

Early 50s M here - in an ideal world 1-3 times a week would be perfect. Actually once a week would be fine, and much of it is around the other persons needs. I could have sex more, or less. For example, a few times she has has said she is not really in the mood but happy for me to me to have a quickie, which is a big turn off for me as need the other person to want it too.

Also, I often mix up sex and love/affection. So if a relationship is great, lots of kisses, time together and things are good, I dont need sex. But if things are not going so well I know I have used sex as a way of feeling loved, as a barometer on how she feels. So actually, in many ways, the less sex (within reason) the better!

Does having sex make you feel valued, is that why you want it 'at least once a day' meaning twice.

You would better off asking on somewhere like Reddit where you would have a better gender balance
FWIW male mid 50s - newish partner has a higher sex drive then me - but we don’t live together so it’s okay right now - else I feel I would be the one saying no as she would probably have sex daily and twice a day a weekends

This wins the prize for the most stupid attention seeking thread on Mumsnet.. 🙄

I like feeling wanted and attractive but I also have a high sex drive separate to that issue.

Ok so you do recognise you have poor self esteem and equate your value with how attractive you are. You are using sex as a means to 'prove' you are attractive and has very little do do with the actual sex act and you need counselling to work out why you think like this .

It's quite complicated. I actually think I'm attractive...which is why I feel so confused about why my DH doesn't constantly want it. I always thought the nicer you look the more men want you...this kind of defies that logic making me doubt myself. I do feel like the whole of society as well as the media portrays this idea of men as constantly being up for it...so it's really confusing as a woman to be with a man who is not.

Maybe go futher back to when you when you were younger, you've picked up messages from somewhere that having sex=attractive=value=love

Some men probably do, just like some women. Most, no. They're just like women, all individuals.

I’d say “at least once a day” is a lot. That sounds like a really high sex drive.

1-3 times a week sounds fine to me, and 3 times a week is quite a lot.

so I wouldn’t say there’s anything at all worrying about your husband “only” wanting it 3 times per week.

BUT, that’s just me. Everybody is different. Have you told him you would like it more?

For what it’s worth, I’ve noticed husband and I have a particular mismatch: the longer I go without sex, the less I want it. Then, as soon as we have sex, I want it again the next day, and the next. Whereas, once he’s had it, he tends to calm down a bit.

Men, like women, range in their sex drives.

Your husband sounds like he has a perfectly normal average sex drive.

No idea why you're determined to be upset that he's not constantly sexually harassing you.

For what it’s worth, I’ve noticed husband and I have a particular mismatch: the longer I go without sex, the less I want it. Then, as soon as we have sex, I want it again the next day, and the next. Whereas, once he’s had it, he tends to calm down a bit

Yes exactly the same

I don't think anyone can answer as they only have experience of 1 or 2 husbands and everyone is different. Mine would have it every day if I wanted it every day so it's hard for me to imagine a man who doesn't but that doesn't mean your husband doesn't fancy you, just that his sex drive is lower.

😆

Don't feel bad.
As long as you and your husband are both happy with your sex life, who cares how much or how little everyone else is having it.
Incidentally, a lot of women who go on about their husbands lusting after them continuously are probably boosting their own ego up a bit... in reality, after the first flush of lust has calmed down, it's pretty annoying rather than flattering.

I don’t think you’ve actually said how old you are but I would say that while not all men are alike (obviously), by and large, younger men tend to want lots of sex and can seem insatiable but despite what you often hear (and read on here), it is really common for this to tail off in middle age especially when there are health issues or mental health issues or just general stress from life/ responsibilities involved.
People don’t really like to acknowledge this for some reason.
Or the fact that a lot of men begin to suffer with ED in their forties and from there it increases each decade to effecting at least 70 per cent of men in their seventies.
If a man in his fifties went to his GP and said Something is seriously wrong with me, I don’t have the libido or stamina I had in my twenties, the doctor is just going to laugh.
It doesn’t sound like you are there yet but it may be wise to prepare yourself for this kind of thing because you sound very naive.
It is not a nice thing when your partner starts to experience problems in this area but it’s a common biological reality and you really have to try not to take it personally. Men are not machines. Different things affect their performance and their drive at different life stages that have nothing to do with how attractive their wives are.

Sorry OP but you sound incredibly insecure and need to be seen as a sex object to feel valued.

Your husband has a completely normal sex drive, upto 3 times a week after 15 years is bloody good going.

You really need to work on your self esteem, it's strange you don't seem to realise this?

Men, like women, are all different.

I think there can be s lot of bravo about wants what, when.

If you want it more often then you can see if he does too. But please do not worry. Your sex life sounds totally within 'normal' amounts.

Have you considered that:

a) Many of the women who say they've been with a man for decades and he still wants sex all the time are telling porkies, and

b) If your husband really does find you unattractive (but still shags you 1-3 times a week, which makes no sense) then it might be because you're so obsessed with your looks, which isn't exactly an attractive trait?

OP sex drive is fuelled by many things including hormone levels. It’s not just driven by if they think their wife is fit. You put too much stock in this and your looks.

Aging is going to hit you like a train if you don’t get a hold of this. He will hit andropause and his sex drive will decline along with his testosterone. You will lose waist definition, get wrinkles, sag, grey hairs etc. These are not ‘ifs’ they are ‘when’s’.

It's obvious surely?

you have a regular sex life of 1-3 times a week.

The men who "want it all the time" are the ones who don't have a regular sex life and are gasping for it.

I still can't believe after 15 years that you are active for 1-3 days a week, that's between 52-156 times a year...some men (and some women) could only dream of that frequency...honestly your both fine. I'm fairly sure he's happy, and if he's not i doubt it's sex related.

I'm probably different from everyone else. My husband didn't want me..hardly at all. I was the one doing all the chasing. He was very diffident to sex. And it stopped in his 50's. No discussion. Just stopped. And he won't talk about it at all. Be happy where you are in life. It can all be taken away so quickly. I miss the intimacy heaps but hey ho. It's life.

There is nothing wrong with the frequency of your sex life. It will fluctuate based on family life, work and other things. I think it’s quite a healthy amount but you seem to want it more. The heat has made my partner want sex during the day time as no kids have been around. And I have doubted myself in the past too. The advice I would give is just enjoy sex and if you want more speak to him about it. It also helps in this weather wearing a short revealing dress, my partner has gone a little crazy for this :)

So last night he had a night out. I waited up for him to come home...put on nice underwear, perfume, make up etc. he got home had a brief chat and fell asleep snoring. This morning I had to go to work but messaged him asking him why does he find me so ugly? What can I change so he actually finds me attractive? I am so upset...what man comes home from a night out to find hia wife/partner like that and just falls asleep. I am clearly not irresistible.