Well done! Really glad you’re pushing yourself to go out.
When feeling down and tempted to cancel an arrangement, don’t ask yourself the usual, ‘Do I feel like going?’ Instead, ‘ask yourself ‘How will I feel for going?’ You need to turn it around. Even if you have a cry in the restaurant, so what? You’re human! I’m sure you’ll still feel a bit better for going than for not. You’ll get hugs, some laughs, and a reminder that you have people who love you in your life.
You’re missing who he was at times, in the early days maybe etc.. That’s perfectly normal and natural. Missing another adult around to talk to at times, etc.. hugs maybe, the intimacy that must have been there at least 3 times 😉 All that. Yeah, that’s ok.
As for the internal peace, it’ll come, it’ll take some time. It’s just anxiety and fear worrying about feeling this way for ever. You fear you will, but the facts suggest you won’t. Learning to sit with the bad feelings really is a skill.
-Don’t believe everything you think.
-Fear not fact.
-Meaning. (How much we attribute to something - don’t give it more than it deserves).
I imagine you must feel somewhat torn - you want him to cope, well enough, ultimately, for the kids sake. He won’t be as good as you, just different.
Have a lovely, if not rather snotty and tearful, meal out.