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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

974 replies

mummy917 · 29/06/2026 07:20

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Onwards1 · 08/07/2026 16:35

Hi OP - I’m so sorry to read what’s been happening. A very similar thing happened to me - my husband blindsided me when I was about to give birth - and of course it turned out he’d been having an affair. That is always the case.
My divorce has just finalised and we didn’t get a court order for our child - however he was far more interested in his new life with his girlfriend and more than happy for me to raise our son 95% of the time, so we didn’t need one.
just wanted to say that this has happened to lots of us out there - it really is horrific, but you will survive and you will come out of this a seriously strong mama bear. Sending you love xxx

WallaceinAnderland · 08/07/2026 16:37

Go for the meal OP. It will be a distraction if nothing else.

Is there anywhere in your house that could do with a bit of redecoration? Now would be a great time to spruce something up. Make the most of your free time so you can give full attention to the kids when they're back. Batch cook? Whatever will keep you busy over the weekend.

mummy917 · 08/07/2026 16:37

I will see how I feel in an hour or so and decide from there. I really thought I’d turned a corner with how I was feeling but I have had moments over the last few days where I’ve just thought I’m back to square one and wondering if I’ll feel like this forever.

I will pay for the parenting app if needs be, but the one I downloaded initially had to have his email too so could he not just refuse to use it?

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 08/07/2026 16:38

Why don't you let your friends know how wobbly you're feeling and that you might not manage going out? Keep your options open. If you need to hide, hide. Or they can come for takeaway. You're doing brilliantly. It's ok to struggle sometimes.

lessglittermoremud · 08/07/2026 16:40

I think if you do head out, you’ll probably find that you are glad you do. Sometimes it’s the thought of doing something and then once you’re there, you manage to have a nice time.
I’m sure your friends will totally understand if you aren’t your usual sparkly self but a change of scenery and some company is probably what you need x

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 08/07/2026 16:42

mummy917 · 08/07/2026 16:37

I will see how I feel in an hour or so and decide from there. I really thought I’d turned a corner with how I was feeling but I have had moments over the last few days where I’ve just thought I’m back to square one and wondering if I’ll feel like this forever.

I will pay for the parenting app if needs be, but the one I downloaded initially had to have his email too so could he not just refuse to use it?

I'm sure he could refuse the app, but that's not going to go down very well with the court. If his objection was that he didn't want to pay for it, that's no longer relevant if you pay for it.

I'm sorry you're having a wobble, it's inevitable there would be days like these. And you will really be missing your lovely children. Sending a big hug .

leopardandspots · 08/07/2026 16:46

mummy917 · 08/07/2026 16:31

I just feel because now the dust is starting to settle, the reality is setting in more and for some of this, I felt as though I’ve been watching it happen to someone else and not me if that makes sense.

I did have plans to go for a meal tonight with my 2 close friends but I honestly don’t know if I can face it. I’d like to just hide in bed for the night to be honest.

Would your friends come over for a take away?

mummy917 · 08/07/2026 16:47

I’ve just spoken to my best friend and said I’m not feeling the greatest. I don’t fancy sitting in a restaurant and potentially bursting into tears as I’ve felt tearful all day and just about managed to hold it together in the middle of Ikea 🥴

The thought of a weekend away somewhere unfamiliar would definitely not be something I could handle at the moment, even though it was a lovely suggestion. I just don’t feel strong enough for that at the moment. I also keep thinking that he is getting on absolutely fine, not feeling any regret or remorse for what he’s put us through yet I’m left feeling like this, despite what he’s done.

I’m going to sort myself out and see if I feel up to going as we were meeting at 7.

Sorry for the gloomy reply, I just can’t seem to pull my head out of my backside the last few days.

OP posts:
IonianNerveGrip · 08/07/2026 16:48

leopardandspots · 08/07/2026 16:46

Would your friends come over for a take away?

Good idea, if you really can't face the restaurant.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 08/07/2026 16:49

mummy917 · 08/07/2026 16:47

I’ve just spoken to my best friend and said I’m not feeling the greatest. I don’t fancy sitting in a restaurant and potentially bursting into tears as I’ve felt tearful all day and just about managed to hold it together in the middle of Ikea 🥴

The thought of a weekend away somewhere unfamiliar would definitely not be something I could handle at the moment, even though it was a lovely suggestion. I just don’t feel strong enough for that at the moment. I also keep thinking that he is getting on absolutely fine, not feeling any regret or remorse for what he’s put us through yet I’m left feeling like this, despite what he’s done.

I’m going to sort myself out and see if I feel up to going as we were meeting at 7.

Sorry for the gloomy reply, I just can’t seem to pull my head out of my backside the last few days.

Big hugs. It's such a roller coaster of a journey right now but sooner than later you'll be having more good days. I promise you.

mummy917 · 08/07/2026 16:51

I wish I could get to the point where I can sit and just be. I don’t want to feel as though I have to be busy all the time but then I’m terrified I will just end up feeling the way I do now, if I don’t keep myself distracted.

OP posts:
anotheruser124 · 08/07/2026 16:54

mummy917 · 08/07/2026 16:37

I will see how I feel in an hour or so and decide from there. I really thought I’d turned a corner with how I was feeling but I have had moments over the last few days where I’ve just thought I’m back to square one and wondering if I’ll feel like this forever.

I will pay for the parenting app if needs be, but the one I downloaded initially had to have his email too so could he not just refuse to use it?

Hopefully you feel up to going out as the distraction might help but also nothing wrong with a night at home and relaxing. Its going to take time to adjust but you will get there and feel so much better for it.

If the apps require payment you dont necessarily need that, you could just ask that all communications be kept on WhatsApp, just stopping the calls allows you to have more control over what he says as if he is abusive over message you can ignore it, but he seems to bombard you a bit over the phone. It also doesnt hurt to have it all in writing to refer back to if needed.

Freeyourmind · 08/07/2026 16:57

This first contact was always going to be a horrible time for you. It really is just a case of getting through as best you can.
The reality of his new life will be hitting him now, you're gone and now untouchable to him, he's no one to complain at, there's young children currently demanding he steps up right as I type, or his mother will be messaging him asking what time he'll be home.
You will be ok, maybe not today, but in time definitely.

ComfyKnickers · 08/07/2026 16:57

mummy917 · 08/07/2026 16:47

I’ve just spoken to my best friend and said I’m not feeling the greatest. I don’t fancy sitting in a restaurant and potentially bursting into tears as I’ve felt tearful all day and just about managed to hold it together in the middle of Ikea 🥴

The thought of a weekend away somewhere unfamiliar would definitely not be something I could handle at the moment, even though it was a lovely suggestion. I just don’t feel strong enough for that at the moment. I also keep thinking that he is getting on absolutely fine, not feeling any regret or remorse for what he’s put us through yet I’m left feeling like this, despite what he’s done.

I’m going to sort myself out and see if I feel up to going as we were meeting at 7.

Sorry for the gloomy reply, I just can’t seem to pull my head out of my backside the last few days.

He's definitely not absolutely fine - he will be struggling with the children, furious with you for not solving all his problems and just bemused that his new single life isn't going as well as he expected.

You are amazing, you are doing all the right things and will get through this!

Lostpassporthelp · 08/07/2026 16:59

mummy917 · 08/07/2026 16:47

I’ve just spoken to my best friend and said I’m not feeling the greatest. I don’t fancy sitting in a restaurant and potentially bursting into tears as I’ve felt tearful all day and just about managed to hold it together in the middle of Ikea 🥴

The thought of a weekend away somewhere unfamiliar would definitely not be something I could handle at the moment, even though it was a lovely suggestion. I just don’t feel strong enough for that at the moment. I also keep thinking that he is getting on absolutely fine, not feeling any regret or remorse for what he’s put us through yet I’m left feeling like this, despite what he’s done.

I’m going to sort myself out and see if I feel up to going as we were meeting at 7.

Sorry for the gloomy reply, I just can’t seem to pull my head out of my backside the last few days.

Please be gentle on yourself. It’s completely natural to feel up and down and to have such mixed emotions. It takes a long time to get over a relationship, especially when you’ve been together so long. You’ve got the added heartbreak of being separated from your children too for some of the time. Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do to get through the day. People can make suggestions but only you know what you need to do for you.

Try not to focus on how he’s coping. Maybe genuinely he has no regrets, but equally he might have them, his communication with you doesn’t come across as being from someone who’s suddenly happy and full of the joys of spring. He comes across as being quite bitter. My guess is that the new life isn’t quite how he imagined it, but because he’s Twattoo he can’t possibly admit he’s made a colossal mistake, so instead he’s turning it around to blame you. He’s trying to get a rise out of you at every turn to try and justify to himself that he’s made the right decision.

MyrtleLion · 08/07/2026 17:05

Have you arranged to FaceTime them later?

That might help when you see their faces.

I’m sorry it’s so hard. It does get better, but sometimes you have to sit with the crappy bits.

Jamlighter · 08/07/2026 17:07

Do try and take these social opportunities. It stops you going round inside your own head. it reinforces you and supports you, It also helps to re-build your life without him in a central role. Good luck

Frillysweetpea · 08/07/2026 17:08

mummy917 · 08/07/2026 16:37

I will see how I feel in an hour or so and decide from there. I really thought I’d turned a corner with how I was feeling but I have had moments over the last few days where I’ve just thought I’m back to square one and wondering if I’ll feel like this forever.

I will pay for the parenting app if needs be, but the one I downloaded initially had to have his email too so could he not just refuse to use it?

If you know his email can you not supply it then he has to use the app if you do and you refuse other channels? I'm not familiar with parenting apps so sorry if that is completely wrong!

IonianNerveGrip · 08/07/2026 17:10

ComfyKnickers · 08/07/2026 16:57

He's definitely not absolutely fine - he will be struggling with the children, furious with you for not solving all his problems and just bemused that his new single life isn't going as well as he expected.

You are amazing, you are doing all the right things and will get through this!

Fully agree. He wants to continue receiving spouse privileges when it comes to childcare, and to the extent that he'd thought about it at all, evidently expected those would still be available to him. Whining about the tattoo appointment when he has so many other free days in the month is not the action of someone who's absolutely fine. He's getting a taste of FAFO.

mummy917 · 08/07/2026 17:16

I’m not sure how the parenting apps really work either to be honest. I only got as far as putting in our email addresses and thought he’d probably refuse to verify it or something like that.

I’m honestly trying not to think of how he’s coping or what he’s thinking and it is only ever in my head when I feel the way I do.

I am going to go out tonight, the alternative is sitting in an absolutely silent house with just my own thoughts for company.

I plan to FaceTime them in about 20 minutes before he starts getting the twins sorted for bed.

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 08/07/2026 17:21

There will be lots of firsts, and each one you ride out will make the next one feel more achievable.

You have the comfort of knowing that you are-
doing the right thing
not the person who made this happen
in a strong position to rebuild a life that will be much better for you all.

MorphandMindy · 08/07/2026 17:29

I do think you should maybe not facetime them tonight. For their benefit, not for yours.

It's the first one for a while, I'd let him get them sorted out on his own or they might start getting upset after hearing mummy when they're tired and grouchy. I'm afraid I have no experience with separation, but I do have a group of senior female colleagues who travel for work and they all say they had learned not to call in the evenings because it ended up upsetting the kids and making bedtime harder for everyone.

Maybe call tomorrow (morning) and ask them how their evening was and what lovely plans they have for the day? There's less risk of destabilising them when they're not tired and at a tricky time of day.

Daisymail · 08/07/2026 17:29

travelallthetime · 08/07/2026 15:39

Have a look at Jess runs for survivors on facebook and insta. She is brilliant at talking you through what you do and dont need to respond to and how to respond.

This, she talks a lot of sense.

LastOnePlease · 08/07/2026 17:39

OP I want to say that it is okay to miss your husband. It is okay to still love him, it is okay to miss him. It's okay to mourn for the life you thought you'd have together and the person who thought he was.

Would it not be stranger to feel nothing after you built a life together and had your beautiful children together?

it doesn't change that he's a twat but he can be a twat and still be someone you loved and whom you miss.

It's a bit like he's died, the person you thought he was. So it makes sense to mourn all of this. You are not failing by doing so.

Frillysweetpea · 08/07/2026 18:04

mummy917 · 08/07/2026 17:16

I’m not sure how the parenting apps really work either to be honest. I only got as far as putting in our email addresses and thought he’d probably refuse to verify it or something like that.

I’m honestly trying not to think of how he’s coping or what he’s thinking and it is only ever in my head when I feel the way I do.

I am going to go out tonight, the alternative is sitting in an absolutely silent house with just my own thoughts for company.

I plan to FaceTime them in about 20 minutes before he starts getting the twins sorted for bed.

@mummy917 I asked Claude (AI) for you re the apps. HTH but have a good night out first before you try to sort this out! You are doing marvellously, BTW. I'm afraid I smirk reading about how well you are handling him. He won't know what's hit him - definitely don't be thinking he's out there having fun and coping fine, he isn't.

Do both parties have to verify their email to use a co-parenting app?

Yes, effectively. You can invite him by entering his email address, but he'll need to verify it and set up his own login before he can see or respond to anything. You can't operate both sides of the account yourself. If he never verifies, he simply won't be on the app — it won't work as two-way communication until he does.

Can she just supply both emails and then decline other communication?

Not quite in the way she might hope — she can't control his side. But the underlying idea is exactly how these apps are meant to be used: instead of texting or emailing directly, everything goes through the app, keeping communication on the record and documented. Once he's verified, she can legitimately stop replying to texts/calls about co-parenting matters and redirect him to the app every time. Messages are typically timestamped and unalterable — nothing can be edited or deleted — which is useful if things ever get contentious.

The catch: it only works if he cooperates enough to verify and check it. If he's being awkward, there's a real chance he just won't bother. Some apps handle a reluctant co-parent better than others, which affects which one's worth choosing.

Best UK apps and costs:

  • *AppClose* – Moved to a paid subscription in January 2026, but still offers free access to parents facing financial hardship and domestic violence survivors, plus a 60-day free trial with no card needed. It has a "Solo" feature letting one parent use it even if the other never signs up — useful as a fallback if he refuses to engage, though it won't give her the two-way documented record she wants unless he does verify.
  • *TalkingParents* – Free web-only plan with basic messaging and record-keeping; premium (needed for the mobile app and extras) is roughly £4.70/month. Low barrier for him to join since the core version costs nothing, and it's well-regarded for tamper-proof, timestamped records.
  • *OurFamilyWizard* – The most established app and the one UK courts most often recommend or order, with UK-based support and GDPR compliance. Costs around £79–£99 per year, per parent (so he'd need to pay too), plus optional extras like ToneMeter (roughly £10/year), which flags aggressive wording before a message is sent.
  • *2Houses* – Free option available, with paid plans from roughly £8–£10/month; decent value but not as widely recognised by UK courts as OurFamilyWizard.

My suggestion: Start with TalkingParents — free for him to join removes one excuse, and it has a strong reputation for records that hold up if things ever escalate. If he still won't engage, AppClose Solo is a reasonable fallback so she at least has her own organised record, even without his participation.

One practical tip: she should send the invite, then simply redirect every text or call from him to the app ("let's keep this on TalkingParents") rather than replying elsewhere. She can't force him to verify, but she can make the app her only channel — which gets her most of what she wants even before he fully complies.