34, pregnant, always wanted a baby... but the father can't choose between me and his ex

[Georgia3092]

I'm 34 years old, 6 weeks pregnant, and feeling completely lost.

I've always wanted to be a mum. I don't have any children and had a termination 4 years ago, which was a very difficult and traumatic experience for me. This pregnancy wasn't planned, but it is very much wanted and until recently I was excited about becoming a mother.

I've known the father for around 4.5 years and we've been together for the last 18 months. He has a young son with his ex-partner and they separated before we got together.

Throughout our relationship I've struggled with what I felt were blurred boundaries between him and his ex. He has been regularly staying overnight at her house when visiting his son once a week (she lives 3 hours from him and because of his job it's difficult to have his son at his house outside of his very limited holidays) and he has often spoken about missing his family unit. Over the last few months I became increasingly suspicious that there was more going on than I was being told.

A few days ago he finally told me the truth.

He admitted that throughout our relationship he has been in love with both me and his ex. He also admitted that he has slept with both of us at different points over the last 18 months and that he hasn't been honest with me about the nature of their relationship.

She knew he was with me but basically said to him when he had a conversation with her the other day and told her I was pregnant that she thought it wouldn't last between us and he would always come back to her anyway.

What has completely broken me is that even after finally being honest, he still doesn't know what he wants.

He says he loves us both deeply. He says we're very different women and that he gets different things from each of us. He says he can picture a future with either of us and doesn't feel either choice is necessarily wrong. He's currently in therapy and says he's hoping to make a decision over the next week or so about what he wants his future to look like.

If he had sat down and told me he'd made a mistake, that he wanted to be with me, and that he wanted to build a family with me and our baby, I honestly think I'd be willing to try and work through what has happened.

But that's not where we are.

Instead, I'm 6 weeks pregnant and waiting for the father of my baby to decide whether he wants a future with me or with another woman.

Financially I would be okay. I know he would support the child, he has money and I have a good support network around me. My concerns aren't financial, they're emotional.

I also want to be fair and balanced. Despite everything that's happened, he is an incredible father to his son. One thing I've never doubted is how much he loves him or how committed he is as a parent. I genuinely believe he would be a wonderful father to our baby too.

That's part of what makes this so difficult. If I thought he was a bad person or would be a bad father, this decision would probably be easier. But I don't. The issue isn't whether he'd be a good dad, it's whether I can cope with the uncertainty, dishonesty and heartbreak that has surrounded our relationship.

I keep going round in circles. On one hand, I've always wanted a child and if I take him out of the equation, I absolutely want this baby. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder if I'm setting myself up for a lifetime of heartbreak

Part of me thinks I should focus on becoming a mother regardless of what happens with him.

Another part of me wonders whether it's fair to bring a child into a situation where the father is in love with two women and still can't decide what he wants. Or if he does choose to be with his ex and whether I can deal with that heartbreak while having his child.

I know nobody can make this decision for me, but I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been in a similar situation or who can offer an outside perspective.

Please be kind. I'm heartbroken and trying to process a lot of information very quickly.

I think you need to make the decision, not him. Even if he chooses you, you will still be very unsettled when he goes to visit his son. Even if he promises not to stay over you will still feel unsure.

There’s no easy option for your emotional health. The only option is to let go.

Once you do let go it’ll probably trigger him into wanting you. And probably making all sorts of promises. Then you’ll have another very difficult decision.

Prioritise your mental health. Xx

You don’t let him call the shots, regardless of who he picks he’s always going to be wondering ‘what if’ he’s a complete fuck up and you deserve better. He will also be tied to his ex and you will always be left wondering if they’re still at it.

prioritise you and your baby x

You deserve better. Can only echo what everyone else said here. If you hve to even question his loyalty or heart for one moment, then you are better to walk away. Even the ex should walk away tbh.

He’s a nightmare and his ex is pathetic if she has known about you and carried on with him.
I would keep the baby and raise the child alone if possible.
Him saying he will make HIS decision? Hes an absolute dickhead.
An aside: I believe in good therapy but after reading a few threads on here it seems some men use it to justify their appalling behaviour.
It is appalling behaviour.

he's hoping to make a decision over the next week or so about what he wants his future to look like.

I wouldn't wait around while some man decides whether to pick me from his range of options or not! Who the fuck does he think he is?

However 'wonderful' a father he is, he has another child 3 hours away. It's pretty hard to be a great dad at a distance. Doesn't leave room for a lot of bedtime stories, nights with the sick bowl, being there when they come home from school upset, weekday parents evenings, etc etc.

If he deigns to pick you, he will always be disappearing to visit his other child - and you will forever wonder what else he is getting up to while gone.

If you want a child, ditch him and have your baby, deal with the fall out of a 'now you see me, now you don't ' Dad.

I did know someone in your situation (minus the pregnancy) and they did eventually go on to marry. I think they’re still happy. If it were me, he’d have been under the patio yonks ago though.

There really isn't much of a dilemma here.

Your whole relationship with him has been a lie. The only reason you see him as a good Dad is because he's still visiting to sleep with his ex.

Dont play the pick me game, its embarrassing. Just walk away. He isn't the person you want him to be.

This shouldn’t be about you and him this should be about what’s best for any future kids you have. I wouldn’t want to bring a child into this situation. It’s too complicated and it’s unfair on any child.
There is nothing wrong with being a single Mum but I wouldn’t purposely give a child this man as a father. He will end up being in your life for years and years to come. It’s not just about the baby years. Think about future events like graduations or weddings or holidays. It would
almost be easier If you knew you would never see him again.

I’d rather have a baby with a sperm donor than this useless waste of space and all his baggage

I agree
once you’ve had a child with someone there’s always that connection and he seems to love himself
no way would I be sat around waiting for him to make my choice
I’d make my choice

Sorry OP, it’s a really horrible situation. I personally wouldn’t be able to bring a child into this knowing their dad couldn’t decide between me and unborn child or his ex and child. You are just creating a life of resentment ahead.

You poor thing. You are probably feeling it much more with pregnancy hormones as well. Time to take control and be strong for you and your baby. You want this baby so focus on that. The instinct to protect yourself and your baby will get stronger. Do not go down the route of saying its unfair to bring a child into this relationship etc...be strong.

@Georgia3092 Don’t wait for him to decide (not that I think you’re necessarily saying you will, but I’m unclear). End things with him - you should never be in a position where you’re waiting for someone to decide something like this. Take the power back.

I’d counter the idea of him being an ‘incredible dad’ - I’m sure there are good points but:

1. He isn’t there for day to day parenting. I know this is occasionally unavoidable but the reality is he’s not there, for whatever reason, so can’t really meaningfully parent. He might feel like he has not had a choice in his job, but if he was the primary carer or single parent he would’ve had to have found a way to be there; so he has had a choice to an extent and has chosen not to be present.
2. He’s behaving like he is - no person can behave so badly and be an incredible parent. By definition he is setting a poor example (even if his son doesn’t know about it) and is behaving with a complete lack of integrity.

I feel like culturally our bar is so low for what a good father is that we accept men who behave appallingly in other ways, and who choose to defer the main care to women, as being somehow brilliant if they’re otherwise ok. That’s not a criticism of you, @Georgia3092, by the way.

All these amazing, incredible dads who cheat and mess women around. If examples like this guy are amazing, God help any of the bad dads!