I'm 34 years old, 6 weeks pregnant, and feeling completely lost.
I've always wanted to be a mum. I don't have any children and had a termination 4 years ago, which was a very difficult and traumatic experience for me. This pregnancy wasn't planned, but it is very much wanted and until recently I was excited about becoming a mother.
I've known the father for around 4.5 years and we've been together for the last 18 months. He has a young son with his ex-partner and they separated before we got together.
Throughout our relationship I've struggled with what I felt were blurred boundaries between him and his ex. He has been regularly staying overnight at her house when visiting his son once a week (she lives 3 hours from him and because of his job it's difficult to have his son at his house outside of his very limited holidays) and he has often spoken about missing his family unit. Over the last few months I became increasingly suspicious that there was more going on than I was being told.
A few days ago he finally told me the truth.
He admitted that throughout our relationship he has been in love with both me and his ex. He also admitted that he has slept with both of us at different points over the last 18 months and that he hasn't been honest with me about the nature of their relationship.
She knew he was with me but basically said to him when he had a conversation with her the other day and told her I was pregnant that she thought it wouldn't last between us and he would always come back to her anyway.
What has completely broken me is that even after finally being honest, he still doesn't know what he wants.
He says he loves us both deeply. He says we're very different women and that he gets different things from each of us. He says he can picture a future with either of us and doesn't feel either choice is necessarily wrong. He's currently in therapy and says he's hoping to make a decision over the next week or so about what he wants his future to look like.
If he had sat down and told me he'd made a mistake, that he wanted to be with me, and that he wanted to build a family with me and our baby, I honestly think I'd be willing to try and work through what has happened.
But that's not where we are.
Instead, I'm 6 weeks pregnant and waiting for the father of my baby to decide whether he wants a future with me or with another woman.
Financially I would be okay. I know he would support the child, he has money and I have a good support network around me. My concerns aren't financial, they're emotional.
I also want to be fair and balanced. Despite everything that's happened, he is an incredible father to his son. One thing I've never doubted is how much he loves him or how committed he is as a parent. I genuinely believe he would be a wonderful father to our baby too.
That's part of what makes this so difficult. If I thought he was a bad person or would be a bad father, this decision would probably be easier. But I don't. The issue isn't whether he'd be a good dad, it's whether I can cope with the uncertainty, dishonesty and heartbreak that has surrounded our relationship.
I keep going round in circles. On one hand, I've always wanted a child and if I take him out of the equation, I absolutely want this baby. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder if I'm setting myself up for a lifetime of heartbreak
Part of me thinks I should focus on becoming a mother regardless of what happens with him.
Another part of me wonders whether it's fair to bring a child into a situation where the father is in love with two women and still can't decide what he wants. Or if he does choose to be with his ex and whether I can deal with that heartbreak while having his child.
I know nobody can make this decision for me, but I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been in a similar situation or who can offer an outside perspective.
Please be kind. I'm heartbroken and trying to process a lot of information very quickly.