I looked ‘atrocious’

[whatgoeson23]

That’s what my boyfriend of 12 years said I looked like when I went to a friend’s wedding at the weekend. I had my hair and makeup done, and I wore a lovely dress that everyone complimented me on. However, yesterday he told me that I looked atrocious in the dress. I was honestly taken aback because I felt lovely in it, and I thought that even if you did think that, you wouldn’t say it to someone. He was in a foul mood when I went to get my hair and makeup done and barely spoke to me for most of the morning. Then he threatened not to come back in time to have the kids so that I could attend the wedding. He does this to me all the time. Whenever I go out, he threatens not to come back to look after the children. He says it’s because I make an effort with my appearance and he doesn’t like it. But he never takes me anywhere where I would have the opportunity to make an effort. I just think he can be cruel at times, and I honestly don’t know how I’ve put up with it for so long. I know this is not normal and I am planning to leave but is anyone’s else’s partner like this.

So sorry OP. My ExH would do this, seemed to take it personally when I got compliments and would sulk and be very difficult for days after. Your DP is not a good man and this is controlling and abusive. Good that you are planning to leave.

Well, it was a wedding!

I think this is probably the end. Nobody should have to be in a relationship with somebody who talks to them like that, it’s as simple as that really. It’s nothing to do with how you actually look.

I’m glad you have decided that you are leaving him, you don’t want your children to think this is how people treat each other.

To me, it sounds like he’s trying to keep you down and isolated.

Yeah mine used to, it still annoys me years later. He enjoyed the control he had over me and couldn’t give a fuck about the kids.

I dumped him and it was the best thing I did.

My ex used to be like this.
Would deliberately put me down to make himself feel better.
Get rid ASAP.

He’s being very nasty. Even if I didn’t think my husband looked his best if I could see he’d put effort in I’d never tear him down like that. He wants to hurt you for some reason… any idea why? Jealousy, have you lost weight recently or had a baby, is he getting older or losing something that he felt gave him status?

I think you should definitely plan to leave him because he is cruel and doesn’t love you.

That sounds like coercive control. He wants you to feel uncomfortable in your looks and worry about childcare so he can keep you at home. You deserve so much better. I'm sure you looked amazing, that's why he wanted to put you down. A half decent partner would want to boost you up and make you feel good about yourself, not do the complete opposite.

I know this is not normal and I am planning to leave but is anyone’s else’s partner like this.

No. They are not. If I was dressed up for a wedding, my husband would tell me how fabulous and beautiful I looked. He’d wave me off and insist I had a great day and not think about the kids. This is what decent people do.

Don’t put up with this arsehole’s bullshit a moment longer. What a nasty character.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

In his head he thinks you’re going to go off with another man every time you go out so he makes mean comments in an attempt to put you down. He wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

Read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft, your man is in those pages and he needs to become your ex partner asap. This is controlling behaviour from him and such behaviour is abusive. Your relationship to him now is over.

Such abuse is insidious in its onset and creeps up on people unawares. This has been drop drip over years from him till it’s got to this point. He’s been testing you throughout to see how weak your boundaries are.

Twelve years, @whatgoeson23?

With someone who deliberately brings you down, does their best to disrupt or destroy any plans you make for fun, and generally makes your life feel precarious and troubled?

I would raise the priority level of ‘planning to leave’ to ‘urgent’.

I just think he can be cruel at times

He is very cruel but you seemed to have missed out the word abusive. I know it's said a lot on this site but damn, so many women ARE being abused. Look up the definitions of emotional and/or mental abuse and your life is listed on it.

Contact Women's Aid or your local DA charity (should be listed on your council's webpage) to find ways to leave quicker. Like next month quicker.

What is the situation re the finances and property?. Do not remain with him any longer than the time taken to leave him.

It will also take you a long time, years even, to recover from his abuses of you and in turn the kids who are receiving damaging lessons about relationships.

Even when I'm sitting, sweating my arse off like a beast with no makeup, my partner thinks and tells me I am the most beautiful person in the world. That is the sort of person you deserve, not someone who is trying to bring you down by pure spite.

He will be damaging your confidence piece by piece. My ex was a little like this (although not as extreme) and it has taken me years to try and regain a small part of my confidence. It's demoralising and cruel.

God what a tosser 😠 I despair when I read yet another thread about some arsehole man behaving like this. If you're planning to leave, do it as quickly as you can and don't look back.

How long have you been “planning” on leaving????
don’t hang around just get gone from this awful man

Wow that’s bad, you clearly looked fantastic. I suspect you know that deep down.

hes a jealous, controlling, abusive freak. End it

He's an abusive cunt who tried to bring you down a peg because he was jealous, you obviously looked fabulous and that infuriated him. He tried his best to stop you going, even threatening you with your own children. I'm glad you are making plans to leave, it will feel like a weight has been lifted to not have to live with that.

As for your question, no, it is not normal, my husband will sometimes gently tell me the truth if an item of clothing isn't flattering when I'm trying stuff on, but he'd never tell me I looked atrocious and is always flattering if I've dressed nicely for a night out without him. Stay safe OP. Xx

You deserve to be told you look absolutely beautiful, and for a man to be excited you get a day out to have fun. Some men are so small, so rotten inside they are jealous of their own partners and want to tear them down to make themselves feel better. A friends ex was like your boyfriend and he would be like this to her when she made an effort. She left because she didnt want her daughters to think its okay for men to talk to them like that. Best of luck with leaving this man.

This is not normal behaviour for people in relationships. Why is he in your life , Op ? Does he have any qualities ?

My ex used to deliberately start an argument whenever we were about to go out and make me cry. He'd then be the life and soul of the party and keep coming over to me whispering things like 'Cheer up you miserable bitch' in my ear.

I don't know why I stuck it so long to be honest. MN wasn't around in those days, and I could seriously have done with the sort of support and advice availble now.

He is being deliberately foul to you on purpose to make you feel bad. The only advice I can give is to split up because he will only get worse.

He’s not a good man. You deserve better.

Thank you everyone for your advice, I appreciate everyone who has commented.

So financially, we jointly own a house together. He earns a lot more than I do, and I think I’ve been scared of breaking apart and not being able to cope financially, even though I work. I’m just scared of that side of things.

But as time has gone on, I think I’ve reached the point where I can’t live like this anymore. It’s affected me in so many more ways than I ever realised, and I know I need to get away.

He has said a lot of hurtful things over the years, but I think the way he behaved over the weekend because I was going to a wedding really made me realise how bad things are. This is a man who is constantly telling me that he doesn’t want to be with me, and I understand that.

But I’m just getting my ducks in a row before I leave because, in reality, the relationship is kind of dead.
No matter what, though, I would never have said anything like that to him. But that’s just the type of person he is.

His qualities I would say is, he can be a good dad and does provide for us. But on the other hand he has this horrible side to him. He always calls me a useless woman and at first that really hurt. But now I think this useless woman, works, raises both of our children mostly on my own, I do all the cleaning the washing and cooking. I don’t know what more I could do. He’s just not a nice person.

I don't know why you've put up with it either. Time to get your 🦆 🦆 🦆 in a row.

I don’t want to be harsh, @whatgoeson23 - but if the children are yours (and not just his) you really do need to leave him before they begin to lose respect for you. Never forget that what they see at home will be their model for how adult relationships should be expected to play out.

Cross posted OP, Great minds 😁

He's jealous. He doesn't want you to get compliments, he's a controller.
I went out with a right dick head who was abusive, not for too long, luckily, but in the earlier days he didn't want me to lose any more weight and was obsessed with any men looking or talking to me. Even my boss.

Bet you looked amazing and yeah, he's not a good bloke. A good partner will complement you and be your biggest cheerleader.