How can I move past my sister's reaction before Mum's birthday?

[SweetSwallows]

Sorry, this will be a long one.

My dad is terminally ill and will shortly be moving into a hospice. My mum's birthday is coming up. I live about 300 miles away; my sister lives in the same town as our parents, both quite run down areas (relevant).

Since my dad had to move into the spare room and their house filled up with the paraphernalia of his illness, I haven't been able to stay there. I've always visited for a week at the time of my mum's birthday - it means a lot to my mum, especially now she has to cope with my dad, - but for the last few years I have stayed with my sister and her husband.

She and her husband have a dog with complex health needs, which can't be kennelled, so to allow them to go on holiday, I've dog-sat for them several times, travelling to her house at my own expense and taking care of the dog's routine and meds etc.

My usual summer visit was planned months ago, and I booked advance train tickets which were not very cheap, nearly £200.

My sister messaged me today very briefly, to tell me that I could no longer stay with them - her husband's sister is having a family crisis and will be staying in their spare room..

I'm not sure what kind of response she expected, but I messaged back to say it wasn't good news, I couldn't change or cancel my train tickets or my annual leave from work, and I wanted to spend time with our dad while I still could, what options did she suggest?

I got back what I can only describe as a four-screen long text rant, telling me to grow the fuck up and stay in a fucking hotel, how dare I try to guilt trip her etc.

I was shocked. She has herself in the past advised me against staying in hotels in the area as anything remotely in my budget is used by the council to house people, often with issues, drug users and so on. The unexpected vitriol of her reply really struck a nerve and I became quite tearful.

Not to drag this out longer than needed, I replied asking why her SIL couldn't stay in a hotel for the few days I'd be there if this was such a great idea, but I would look at other options, we exchanged a few more messages and some kind of civility was restored, but the tone of her original message has really upset me and I am struggling to move past it.

I'm supposed to be dog-sitting for her in September while they go to Italy and I now feel like telling her to get her SIL to do it (she's barely mentioned her SIL to me before so I highly doubt she would do this). I bought her an expensive kitchen item to cheer her up when she was feeling low, something she really wanted but not something I'd use - she knows I've bought it for her and was thrilled when I told her - I now feel like a mug at the thought of giving it to her.

This has really soured our relationship at a time when it really needs to be strong to get through the coming months of my dad's decline.

How can I move past this?

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read my lengthy post.

Well it sounds like your sister was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Her SIL could be in a really bad situation. Could you order a blow up bed and stay at your parents. Not ideal obviously but it’s only a week

I hear you but also I can imagine your sister is very stressed indeed and trying to accommodate multiple needs. Your reply, whilst understandable in content, must have come across as yet another demand, ie. you find a solution for me. I can only suggest that her stress may have prompted her response. I would let the dust settle and then have a conversation about it.

I would leave it a bit and then reach out to her again.
Say you're sorry the SIL is in a rough place, but that she has now put you in a really difficult situation where you've already spent money and can't afford a decent hotel.
I think you need to make it clear that you know there probably isn't an "easy" solution, but also that you feel really let down especially since you've already agreed to dog sit this year in return.

I'd be looking for at least some level of understanding from her that she's left you in a shitty situation

her changing the plans after money has been spent is well wrong - I can quite see why you are pissed off

if you have to pay for a hotel then you won’t be able to afford to travel up to hers will you ?

That's probably what I will do, thank you - I do have another possible option, I will manage somehow.

What I'm really asking is how to get past the row with my sister and whether I should stop the dog-sitting in future or whether that would be petty.

I don't know the details of her SIL's problem - absolutely none of my business - but whatever it is, I don't think my sister's vitriol towards me was fair. I've never met her SIL and she didn't volunteer any info about what was going on so I couldn't really offer sympathy.

If you do go ahead with the dog care, I'd make it conditional on them paying your travel costs and a shop for whilst you're there. They should be doing thst anyway.

Your sister was rude and dismissive towards you which isn’t ok regardless of whatever stress she’s going through.

It’s highly understandable that you don’t want to put yourself out for her.

I think you are both understandably going through a very hard time, and emotions are heightened.

I would argue though that your sister has probably been dealing with a lot being the local hands on support. Equally she is having pressure from her husbands family and taking on that burden. Why pile in on her now?

Can you stay at your parents home on the sofa if need be?

It's like the old saying, you never know what someone has to put up with. You don't know what SILs problem is. Must be pretty bad - could be terrible. Can you not give her the benefit of the doubt here?

Your sister could have been stressed with that and guilty at letting you down which is why she reacted. I think it would be petty to now refuse to dog sit in September, it's already been arranged.

Just keep in touch with her as you normally do. It's natural for siblings to have the odd fall out just move on and don't let it drive a wedge between you. Sounds like you've all got a lot on your plate right now with your Dad's illness so let this go.

edit for typo

I think she’s probably at the end of her tether: pulled all different ways by all the people who want something from her.

I wouldn’t withdraw my help from someone who may well be on the edge.

Do not be petty and try to accept that your sister is doing her best to manage a very difficult situation where she’s stuck in the middle and having to not only support you, your mum and your terminally ill dad, but also her husband and his family dramas too.

You will only regret it when you’re both past this immediate crisis.

The travel is a sunk cost. I can't afford a decent hotel - I certainly wouldn't expect her to pay for one. I wonder now if she thought I was hinting when I mentioned the train tickets, but I wasn't - she isn't any wealthier than I am.

I don’t think you should pull out of dog sitting for now, it sounds like this is out of character for your sister and she may have felt your reply lacked understanding? If she used the word crisis that implies something pretty bad. Regardless of whether she gave more info or not, she may have expected a response more along the lines of oh gosh I’m so sorry to hear that, no worries at all and I can sleep on a mattress at mum and dads.

She may have snapped under the pressure of your dad being sick plus whatever is happening with her SIL.

Thank you, yes, I am trying to see it as a moment of stress from her. I'm just shocked because I'd never send that kind of message. I might think it, I might even start typing it, but I wouldn't actually send it.

If she apologised I'd feel better but I think the restoration of civility might be as good as it gets.

Thank you, that's a really helpful perspective.

It does suck....
bit given your relationship is okay and shes normally well... normal. I think it sounds like the straw that broke the camels back and you were the unlucky person on the receiving end.
She might have already had a whole argument with her dh about the sil you dont have context.
You also live a £200 train ride away... she is living with the sick dog, your parent poor health, her own life, her marriage ...her sil
It's a lot no?

I wouldn't be begging for forgiveness or anything but I'd try and show some grace towards her.

Get a blow up and sleep at your mums frame ot as nice because you'll get more time with her time way too.
For anything specific birthday thing of your mother's try and include more people (it will dilute your contact with her)

Sometimes space is needed.

Keep your powder dry.on September and dont make any decisions until after the visit.

Yes, that's very true. I just feel hurt that she seems to be putting SIL before me, but I suppose that is childish of me really.

If she doesn't apologise then I wouldn't be looking after her dog again.

Id give it a bit of time for you both to calm down before deciding anything re dog sitting.
Its clearly a stressful time and right or wrongly, sometimes people lash out.

See how it goes, see if she apologises for having a go at you then decide what if anything you want to say.

Honestly I can see why she reacted badly to your message, she was stuck between a rock and a hard place. In terms of getting past the argument, I’d just accept that you’re both going through a difficult time, emotions are heightened and no one is perfect, so sometimes they react badly.
I wouldn’t cancel the dog sitting based on the argument.

Yes, I'm going to give her space. Our messaging ended on a reasonably amicable note so I will leave the ball in her court.

She is being an arsehole. She could have even offered you a sofa for the duration of your stay but chose to point blank say no to you staying despite knowing how much you do for her.

I agree with you.
OP’s sister is under extreme stress. She is being pulled by the needs of her parents, her sil, a sick dog. Who knows what else.
i’d give her some slack OP.

She's trying to cope with being the person close to help out your parents. accommodating you, a pet with complex health needs and now supporting a person in family crisis.

I think she's right, you should have just said, no problem I'll get a hotel.

I think your sister was very unreasonable to react this way. I would go and stay with your mum. I would give your sister this item as you promised but I would distance myself a bit and would only do “functional “ communication. In the meantime I would have a long hard think.
There are 2 ways out of it: she would approach you to apologise and would explain her feelings. Maybe she was in a really difficult situation with her DH and SIL, maybe she was too involved in helping parents being local and it was too hard
The other way: she won’t apologise, then I would consider to opt out of dog sitting. I would invent polite excuse and add “unfortunately” and “ sorry” but I wouldn’t do it.
Don’t wait too long as she will need to sort it out.