ASMR am I allowed to be upset?

[Sunnyday410]

Good afternoon
I am looking for some prospective please.
I dont know if I am being irrational.
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years live together ect.
I know he used to listen to Asmr before we met, I found out today he has still been listening to it. I didn't know. It is a woman talking and whispering one title was "tingles all over your head".
He works nights so we dont always sleep together. When I found out I was and still am so upset. I know it is my feelings but I cant help it. I know people have made it sexual. I think in this case it is purely for relaxation.
It has sent me on a major spiral. Please calm me down. I feel so unwanted and hurt.

Yesss, you GET me! Love him 😁

@Sunnyday410 There are two types of ASMR, one is erotica but I don't think that is what we are talking about here.

ASMR isn’t about attraction, romance, sexual interest, replacing a partner
or preferring someone else. It’s more like listening to rain, hearing a soothing voice, enjoying a massage, feeling comforted by a sound. It’s a neurological response, not an emotional or relational one. You can’t “provide” ASMR to someone unless your voice, tone, or sounds happen to trigger their brain’s specific wiring and most partners don’t.

It’s like asking: “Why can’t I be your favourite flavour of crisps?” or “Why can’t my voice make you sleepy the way white noise does?” It’s not about the partner’s value. It’s about the person’s sensory system.

Why he can’t “get it from you”, because ASMR triggers are involuntary, idiosyncratic (unique to each person), not linked to emotional closeness and not something a partner can learn to do. Some people get tingles from whispering. Some from tapping. Some from brushing sounds. Some from nothing at all. It’s like having a favourite smell, you can’t make someone else smell like freshly baked bread just because you love them.

Why this isn’t a threat to the relationship, this is the part I think you need to hear,
ASMR is not a replacement for intimacy. It’s a relaxation tool. It’s closer to listening to a sleep story, using a meditation app, watching a calming video or putting on background noise to unwind. It’s not about wanting someone else. It’s about calming the nervous system. Your partner isn’t choosing ASMR over you. He’s choosing ASMR over stress.

It clearly makes you feel rejected so maybe understand ASMR as a sensory tool rather than a relational one, talk about boundaries if it makes you uncomfortable and ask what emotional need ASMR meets (calming? sleep? anxiety?). Then try separate ASMR from intimacy so you doesn’t feel replaced

From the extra comments you have made, I think this is about the fear that it means something about the relationship. It doesn’t. I think you just yearn for more love and attention and that is a perfectly natural way to feel when you love and miss someone.

You need to give your head a shake.

I mean 🫠😭🤣

I listen to videos to fall asleep. Usually men talking about a topic that I find boring to send me to sleep
It is not sexual!

You are obviously a very jealous person ,that comes from insecurity. Work in yourself and your own self worth you're partner is doing nothing wrong .

That sounds sooooo chat gpt!

On the asmr thing you are totally unreasonable. It's really a nothing thing. However, your relationship doesn't sound happy. Even if he stopped listening to it, would it really make any difference to your relationship overall? I think it's easier to concentrate on this then take a step back and investigate what the actual elephant in the room is

😳

I have NEVER used chat gpt in my life.

Tbh when I read your post I didn’t know what it was about at first so had to read other posters comments to get the gist of it and thought you was over reacting until you put the YouTube link on and I’ve got to say if my dh was listening to that it would give me the major ick and I’d be telling him to fucking turn it off and if he wanted to relax or meditate whatever the. Find some without an over sexualised woman doing it. So I do get it, it wouldn’t upset me I don’t think but it would turn me off of him completely

My favourite meditation on YouTube is by a bloke, Australian I think. I find his voice and tone etc soothing and go to sleep quickly. I suspect your partner finds the same thing. If he was aroused etc by it then that wouldn't relax him in the same way. I've never mentioned to my DH what I listen to because it's literally ten minutes and then I'm snoring and it doesn't occur to me again until the next time I'm struggling to sleep, which thankfully isn't every night. If he asked what I was listening to I'd tell him, and probably recommend he tried it himself. Really kindly OP I suspect there is a deeper root cause to this and you could probably benefit from some support. There may be other things going on but I think it's highly unlikely that this is anything to be concerned about.

How do you know that "in his head" he's listening to those words but fantasising about you? Have you raised the issue of your insecurity with your therapist? If not, you really should.

OP have you ever looked up the meaning of ASMR?

Also look into why some women get jealous of it.

Whilst I cant understand why you feel the way you do, I can sort of understand, not understanding why this is a thing for your partner.

Please look into it more, although it doesn't sound like things are too great, maybe its best to move on

@Sunnyday410 I know people have made it sexual. I think in this case it is purely for relaxation.

I assure you that it is not a sexual pleasure.

Given that you know he likes ASMR, have you considered indulging this? I am sure he would love having his hair stroked while you whisper to him.

Op he hasn't told you cos u are obviously extremely sensitive The fact that he feels the need to hide something that he has no need to hide (cos he's doing nothing wrong )says more about how he feels in the relationship than you . If you came on here to say you're afraid to talk your boyfriend about the fact u listen to asmr in cast of his reaction you would be told you where in a abusive relationship and need to leave immediately. You've! asked for advice and thoughts the vast majority think your being irrational. Take that on board and work on yourself and your own self esteem cos this should not me triggering such a extreme reaction from you.

I think it's touching a nerve because your relationship is not on solid ground.
You question whether you are enough and enough for him.
You might have insecurities from past experiences.
Whatever your issue is, you do need to face it. Whatever the issues are in the relationship are need to be faced as well.
Good luck. 💐

The poster you were responding to here did not suggest that you "keep quiet and get on with it" nor suggest that any of this was your fault. She simply asked if you had told your partner how him doing this makes you feel? That's quite a logical question to ask. It's obviously something that is making you feel extremely uncomfortable and insecure in your relationship. It may be that the times you have to be together is limited due to your work patterns, but surely there is some time where you can explain to him how you are feeling, without accusing him of doing something deliberately or intentionally to hurt you. If you approach him with the mindset that he is listening to that in the full knowledge that it's causing you to "spiral", then your conversation won't be very productive and may upset him. However, if you approach it with an open mind, willing to concede that he's listening to it solely as a means of relaxation, you might find him more receptive to hearing how its affecting you. None of that is saying that you are "at fault" for feeling the way you do. But you need to find a way to express that without making your DP feel as if he is the one who is "at fault" (until/unless he says something to the contrary). You might want to work through this with your therapist to explore how you might approach this sort of conversation with your DP.

I find Wes Streetings voice incredibly sexy .
No , I don;t want to sleep with him.

I don;t think he'd be bothered TBH

I haven't listened to ASMR for a couple of years, but I did check it out for a while. I remember the effect of someone breathing, licking noises or whispering right on your ear, and I saw several with close-up video miming spreading their saliva all over your face. I have never otherwise experienced anything of that kind outside an intimate sexual relationship. PPs have said there are now more overtly sexual ASMR practitioners online, though I wouldn't see them. I don't necessarily agree with dismissing the intimate or erotic element. Imagine excusing porn with 'she's not really touching you or inviting you'. However, I'd compare an interest in ASMR with spa massages, a romantic movie or a medical examination. You get up-close and personal but the purpose is not a reciprocal attraction and generally nothing untoward.

Now I can quote !

and he’s so satisfying with his powders and cleaning tools

pools I get can be dirty and need cleaning - but the spas he cleans - the owners are manky .

Just empty and dry and store it for winter

Thank you for taking the time to explain things to me I appreciate that

Perspective

But OP,

In all seriousness, what kind of relationship is it when have almost no quality time together?

Surely that's not sustainable?

I really think you would be better off ending it and finding someone else. The ASMR is a red herring.

Good luck!

LOVE these videos!!!