Husband says he has the ick and criticises my habits

[GotTheIckWithMe]

Dh has told me he’s ’got The ick’

That over the last few months he’s needed more time away from me as ‘little things were annoying’ and he can’t put up with certain ‘habits’ anymore. He thinks I’m lazy and he worries about the image I have and how that will affect the dc.

We used to go out once a week but he stopped that two weeks ago and made excuses. He’s now said he can’t stand the way I act when out and how I eat. I’m quite shy and he finds it ‘embarrassing’ . He’s very chatty and sociable.

I don’t know what I’m meant to do ?

I have not read the whole thread but I echo those who say he is cheating. 100%. It's such a pathetically predictable script. Get out now would be my advice.

His behaviour is disgusting. 😡
Even if what he said were 'true', there would be absolutely no excuse for him behaving like this. It's one of the most horrible, bullying things I've read on MN, and that's saying something!

What a shame.
You sound like a delightful person.
Thank goodness you have your own income.

He ticks literally every box of being a complete twat

Been there, got the t-shirt, worn it and threw it away...

Sorry OP but I would bet my last penny that's he's cheating.

New job - hmmm ! New female has turned his head.

I would prepare yourself for a nasty shock. Get 'your ducks in a row' get advice
about divorce and check out your finances.

Do you have a joint account? If you have, then you can see if he has been paying for unusual items/meals out/hotel visits.

I'm sorry x

Cherchez la femme.

He's having an affair, or has got his eye on someone, and he's beating you down so you're more submissive during the divorce he'll land on you.

Sorry to say this so bluntly, but it's almost text book behaviour. And i'd bet that the 'so much responsibility' leads to 'having to work late' etc etc....

Line up your ducks!

How do you want to take it from here OP? Are you ready to separate? Are your finances sorted? I think he needs an ultimatum, he either shapes up or he ships out. Don't let him stay doing this vile behaviour on you long enough to let it affect your self esteem.

I’m thinking hes met someone through this new job, going by The Script, and being v unkind and rude to you.

Instead of saying the relationship isn’t working for him anymore, he’s going all out insulting. He wants you to end it first, my bet is, as he doesn’t want to be the one doing it, so hes being as mean as he can, to drive u away. My bet is hes no oil painting of a man, doesn’t help much round the house and himself has quite a few disgusting habits, that you keep quiet about as you are not the type of person to hurt their partners feelings in such a way?

As other have said, this is a script.
Put you down ✅
Find reasons not to spend time with you ✅
Disappearing for periods ✅

Give it a while and you’ll suddenly but hit with he’s seeing someone else for “insert reason”. He’s trying to make you the bad guy.

I suggest consulting a solicitor

"he said to me ‘get a straw as I can’t stand seeing your teeth when you just drink from a glass"

This is appalling OP so sorry you are having to deal with this. Not going to give advice on what to do, but be sure you are not the problem here. 💖💖

I'd be looking to end this marriage yesterday, when the OW [and there will be one] is suddenly lumbered with this prince full time she might well get the ick too.
You can do so much better than dealing with his stupid comments and behaviour.

It's one thing to think it and another to say it. He's being mean. What is his goal with that?

Also, what makes him think he is so superior and special? I'd start pointing out all of his shortcomings too!

Maybe take a break from meals together in general. If he doesn't like the way you chew, then he can make his own dinner.

I would agree with those about the script. My husband went through something like this for many, many months while having a midlife crisis. I don't forgive him for it but he did eventually sort himself out. It doesn't make it okay. I do believe he might have at least had his eye on someone at the gym, and when I confronted him about his behavior at long last and said that he was acting like a boilerplate of pathetic middle-aged man with fragile egos and to go online and read the script and that I could practically predict his next move, he suddenly canceled the gym membership and never returned and has been better ever since.

I don't think it means your husband is having an affair...I think it's more some twisted way of making himself feel superior and deserving of more. Like a twisted ego thing.

Even if he’s not cheating (he is), no one should speak to you in the way he is. You are worth much more than that. Take back control and kick him out.

Don’t change for him. You are perfect the way you are.
Look up “The Script”. Plenty of posts about it.
Im Sure you will recognise most of the signs.
And don’t mention your thoughts or suspicions to him. He is trying to re-write history, so that he looks like the good guy.

Most people wouldn’t react that way if someone does that to a long term partner with whom they had children. Society generally frown on that - even if it’s performative most times.

OP he is comparing you to someone he has a crush on, probably at his new work place. His overtime is probably not overtime either. I would get my ducks in a row as he is going to get worse, aka start re writing your history together and make it out to be all on you here, and he will jog into his future telling everyone how awful things have been. I mean he is already telling you how lazy you, get angry.

It’s not nonsense. She needs to do practical things like understanding the financial situation, mortgage, utilities and whose name is on them. What bank accounts are available. Some cheaters start liquidating assets. If she can afford to run the household herself. I know of women that have waited till their children started school as they couldn’t have coped by themselves with childcare and work. Some women have had to get a new job or increase their hours. Thinking long game means planning for the future, not “staying” long term. Approaching him immediately just gives him a chance to bullshit her and hide things.

Well it's nice to think so I guess.
And I totally agree with you the OP needs to think strategically. Far better to have a short phase of unpleasantness or look unstylishly bothered than to carry the downside of being "amenable" about these things for decades into the future.

He has absolutely nothing on his phone at all, I looked through everything, he leaves it around all the time and there’s nothing I can find. The only strange thing is that he has an appointment confirmation for Botox ?! a lot of googling fitness regimes and stuff about weights and building muscle while losing fat. That’s it which seems very strange but no messages to any women, no reference to anyone in messages to friends, I can’t find anything. I can only assume if there is a woman involved/causing this then it must be that he has a crush and she isn’t aware ? Perhaps that’s why he’s booked Botox ?

That's because he probably has a spare phone

Or just deletes the messages instantly

Another one here that says he has another woman. My ex went on a diet, had his back waxed (for the first time ever since it didn’t bother me) and bought new clothes. He then told me it was so he could “look good for his honey”, me naively thinking his “honey” was me 😐
if they met at work they don’t need to message on personal phones, or he has a burner phone. Sorry OP.

Few things it could be for me. He has a spare phone, he has one of the disguised apps (don't know much about them, but there are apparently apps that look like random things but are completely different), its a crush and she doesn't know/nothing has happened yet, he is deleting messages, he's using an email address not on his phone, he's using work email

It is very interesting and concerning that he has developed these 'icks' relating to you from seemingly nowhere, he is apparently getting botox, he has a sudden new interest in fitness. All points to some kind of mid life crisis and/or an affair/wants to have an affair with a new person. So sorry OP, hope you are doing ok and stay strong.

Sorry OP.
He sounds horrible.
Next it'll be "I do love you I'm just not IN love with you."

He's got another phone.

That's horrible, and enough to make you shy/socially anxious (if you weren't already).
He's going to wear you down and undermine your confidence. That's no way to live. Speak to a solicitor and consider your options.