Husband says he has the ick and criticises my habits

[GotTheIckWithMe]

Dh has told me he’s ’got The ick’

That over the last few months he’s needed more time away from me as ‘little things were annoying’ and he can’t put up with certain ‘habits’ anymore. He thinks I’m lazy and he worries about the image I have and how that will affect the dc.

We used to go out once a week but he stopped that two weeks ago and made excuses. He’s now said he can’t stand the way I act when out and how I eat. I’m quite shy and he finds it ‘embarrassing’ . He’s very chatty and sociable.

I don’t know what I’m meant to do ?

You need to get out now. He's months ahead of you on this.

He's allowed to feel this way obviously but 1) why be so nasty? 2) He will almost certainly have an OW or want the possibility of same.

Men very rarely leave to set up home on their own like women do, they jump when they have a 'soft landing'.

I would stop talking to him now and actively start to exit. The first step is legal advice, gathering all your documents etc. Getting your ducks in a row basically.

It’s not about having a conscience. It’s so they don’t take accountability and they make everyone else think they’re the victim so no one holds them responsible.

@Calliopespa meant to quote you on my last post

Yes I understand. I'm just saying it surprises me they mind being "responsible." They clearly do as so many try this approach. But I still feel taken aback they don't rather enjoy the whole "Weeeelll I am just a can't keep it in my pants kind of guy and the girls can't but fall at my feet. It's just inevitable really" swagger.

Stare at his hairline . Make sure he notices .

Say, ‘oh, that reminds me, the shower drain is plugged up ! Must put Drain-o* on the shopping list. Middle-aged men really do keep Drain-o in business.’

Then walk off.

(* or local brand equivalent drain blockage cleaner)

I wouldn’t normally recommend making someone feel insecure or old but he’s a prize cunt. Also, leave him.

All this ‘long game’ stuff is nonsense. We have no blame divorce in England, you don’t need any ducks in a row. Get him to leave so you’re in the house - all these big speeches people are writing are cringe, ok he’s got the ick? Bye bye. Don’t make a big scene of it, legally and financially it makes no difference if there’s another woman or not, get him gone and he’ll soon realise the grass isn’t greener as there is presumably a reason he hasn’t already chosen to leave to go live with her (eg she’s also married and won’t leave her husband)

I think dismissing things as cringe is a bit cringe in itself.
A lot of people feel hurt by betrayal. Great that you are cool about it all, but I am personally not sure the "ok bye bye" is any less cringe.

It's not about conscience. It's about image preservation and about wanting their own bad behaviour to be someone else's fault.

It seems when men suddenly become nasty like this they’re up to something and it’s usually the guilt that is making them irritable.

It’s not you, so don’t let him make you think otherwise.

Women get the ick all the time about men.
I know i do.
No difference if a man gets the ick about a women.

It depends on their self image though. If his self image is that he’s a ‘nice guy’ then he’ll want to preserve that in his own head and in how he is viewed by his wider social group. If he has a bad boy, cock of the walk self image then he may of course act differently but that’s not how the OP has described him.

So, you both work full time. You pay someone else to clean your home, yet your DH claims you’re lazy for doing so?!

He criticises the way you eat (because you put your hand over your mouth) and your teeth when you drink from a glass?!

IMHO, your DH is sexist and abusive. Why do you want to be with him? Why want a relationship with someone like that? You’re worth more than that.

I suggest you start planning for a future without him. Gather what you can about his finances before he starts divorce proceedings. Start researching good local family lawyers. You can never be too prepared. Doesn’t mean you have to press ‘go’.

A sudden change in behaviour, constant nasty criticism, spending more time away, claiming you’ve changed etc. to me it all points to him cheating or planning to cheat. I’d be making plans for my exit if I was you.

There are 2 options as far as I can see:

1. he’s cheating or at least had his head turned and he’s using the script even if he doesn’t know it.

2. he is a genuinely nasty piece of shit. Who would talk to their spouse like that?

I would quietly start planning for divorce and detach from him emotionally. Without telling him.

Gosh what a heartless twat he is and 100% agree this sounds like classic Script playing out.

Keep your suspicions to yourself whilst you get yourself in a position where you can tell him to fuck off. See a solicitor, gather paperwork/evidence and mentally prepare yourself. Whether you can be arsed to look for evidence of the affair is up to you but honestly I wouldn't bother as his behaviour is enough to warrant kicking him out and he can create whatever narrative he wants. Good luck OP

It’s childish and hurtful but plenty of women use that word on this site and get told it’s valid reaction

It’s far less cringe to be dignified and not spiel off some of these big speeches people have written. He wants to hurt her with these comments etc, if she just said ok you’re not happy I think you need to leave he’s left wondering why she doesn’t care/isn’t biting, and he’s out on his arse because other woman clearly can’t run off into the sunset with him either. Let’s face it, the guy who cheats on his wife is going to be totally unmoved by a big emotional speech - if anything he probably feels validated in his choice to have an affair

The way he’s speaking to do is absolutely psychotic and unhinged. He sounds nasty and thick. Affair or not, get rid. Sorry you are being spoken to like this - no one has the right to do that

What a pig of a man.

Op even if the things you do are annoying him it doesn't mean he needs to speak to you with such disrespect and in such a belittling manner.

Mimicking you and mocking how you eat is bullying behaviour. Calling you lazy when he's not doing anything in the house bar the gardening is gaslighting and deflecting.

Tbh I agree with others that it's very possible he's cheating given the personality shift. I'd be doing some digging behind the scenes to see what you can find. I had the same issues in my marriage (although not quite as belittling and humiliating as the way your husband is treating you) and I did find messages between my now ex and another woman. He was obviously trying to justify his behaviour to himself by focusing on any negatives about me that he could find. Normally I don't advocate snooping but I think when you're on the receiving end of behaviour like this it's about protecting yourself and making more informed choices.

I would also think carefully about what you want op. When someone treats us like this we usually end up focusing on the rejection and the feeling of not being good enough. And we can end up over compensating trying to be 'enough'. But I think you need to try to step back from that and think about him, the man he is in your marriage, how he makes you feel, how he treats you etc and whether you think this is good enough FOR YOU. Is this a good enough model for any kids you have to grow up with as their blueprint for how partners treat each other.

I think the work stress honestly is a bit of a red herring. Lots of men have significant work stress, are navigating toxic work places, are struggling with their mental wellbeing and they don't suddenly turn round and unleash that frustration on their partner because that's a personal boundary they wouldn't cross because they care about that person and they value them. So I'm guessing this isn't completely new behaviour and if you really sat and thought back you might find some signs of controlling behaviour just in less obvious ways. He's just dropped the mask.

Ducks. In. A. Row

Sounds suspiciously like the script.. I’d say he’s cheating. Horrid little man putting you down like that

Get a hot gardener and sleep with him more like. I'm joking I'm joking!

Ask him to look at himself eating.
Remind him that you have always over looked the way he eats, out of respect for your marriage vows.

Plan for separation. Smart moves in gathering information and engaging a lawyer for advice will help.
Tolerate the taunting no longer.

This 100% This is 'the script' incarnate.

What does he expect you to do about this crap he is spouting?

This is the territory of lazy men. He wants you to do the dumping so you look like the villain and when he appears a month later with a 'new' gf, it's because of your bad behaviour and bad treatment of him.

Sad, infantile and pathetic.

Sorry to sound so blunt, but either there is already another woman on the scene (which coincides with the new job - and work is, after all, where the overwhelming majority or affairs begin), or he really has grown tired and bored of the marriage and is looking for an exit strategy. Unfortunately, most men feel awkward and guilt-ridden about abandoning their family, so they set about demonising the wife in order to make her look like the guilty party and, therefore, absolve them of a heavy weight on their conscience. This is the classic playbook. You need to now prepare for the inevitable and start securing yours (and any children’s) future.