Husband says he has the ick and criticises my habits

[GotTheIckWithMe]

Dh has told me he’s ’got The ick’

That over the last few months he’s needed more time away from me as ‘little things were annoying’ and he can’t put up with certain ‘habits’ anymore. He thinks I’m lazy and he worries about the image I have and how that will affect the dc.

We used to go out once a week but he stopped that two weeks ago and made excuses. He’s now said he can’t stand the way I act when out and how I eat. I’m quite shy and he finds it ‘embarrassing’ . He’s very chatty and sociable.

I don’t know what I’m meant to do ?

It's not about conscience, it's about ego. They don't want to look like they're the bad guy who only thought about his dick, they want to present it as she ended it so he looks like the good guy.

Yes but don't they enjoy being seen as thinking about their conquests above all?

I mean it is clearly the case, so I am not disputing it, as so many times I have seen this happen. But it isn't what I'd have guessed. Lots of women I know who have moved onto an affair actually get quite proud that they have lured someone else; I'd have thought men would all the more so.

Please do!! Unfortunately I also agree it is “The Script” ie he is cheating and knows he is a piece of shit for doing it, so is trying to convince everyone including himself, you and the new woman, that you’re just so unbearable he couldn’t possibly have been expected to be with you a minute longer so it’s not really his fault as his relationship was clearly doomed anyway etc… It’s NOT YOU.

I HATE how men do this. My ex did and said something almost identical to this when cheating on me and trying to justify imploding the family unit - down to finding me “disgusting”, criticising how I ate and my habits, not wanting to go anywhere with me, and the “overtime” (We both have jobs where that can absolutely happen so it didn’t ring my alarm bells at the time). I will say that my ex was also controlling and abusive, and some of what you say rings alarm bells there too. Partly the general way he speaks to you. It’s not normal for men to talk to their wives about perimenopause like this “maybe it just makes you unattractive” or whatever he said. Also the accusation of “laziness” for not wanting to do what he likely sees as “women’s work” even though you work full time and are fixing the cleaning yourself (and why is it only your responsibility to clean the home or pay someone to do it and not him hmmmm?). I got called lazy for not wanting to cook dinner from scratch after coming home from a 12 hour shift when he had the afternoon off work…

My advice is get your ducks in a row, check and photograph all financial paperwork etc, make sure he has no possible access to your finances, do not take what he says to heart at all it’s honestly not about you (I’d say don’t take any shit from him but standing up to an abuser carries potential risks). And do some snooping, consider hiring a PI honestly. I am a firm believer that everyone has the right to know the truth of what is going on in their own relationship. And it might help to have hard photographic evidence that no, this isn’t just you being stupidly paranoid and jealous probably because you are cheating on him etc etc (yes my ex did try that). Though you don’t necessarily NEED it if you just decide this guy is a loser, disrespectful, actively attacking your self-worth and basically not worth being with anyway… which I would heavily suggest should be the conclusion but it’s always so much harder when you’re in the middle of it all in real life yourself.

he’s either discovered he’s gay or has his eye on another woman.

I'd ask him which!

PS make sure your new gardener looks like the one in Desperate Housewives 😂

Yes, I'd actually hire a gigolo for his looks. He'll be able to wave a shovel about convincingly enough.

Then you can even use him when you question DH as to whether he has someone else or has discovered he is gay: "It's my gardener you fancy, isn't it!"

“ It’s not you, it’s him”. Remember that.

Do exactly this!

@GotTheIckWithMe sorry OP it must be really hard to read the feedback that your DH is cheating. Although, he does sound like a horrid human to say such awful, hurtful and humiliating comments to you, so maybe it won’t be such a huge loss if a split actually happens.

Whether he is cheating or isn’t cheating is secondary now, the way he has spoken to you is not acceptable and is enough to walk away if that’s what you want.

I don’t know but it really appears to be a male thing. But I don’t think it’s about having a conscience as they wouldn’t be dicks. It seems really targeted at not being seem to be the one to end it.

He's met someone there or he believes he will be better living the single life (and obv women will be easily available)

This. I saw my dad do exactly this to my mum.

Cherchez la femme. He has a new woman at his new job, guaranteed

I’d kick him out tbh. Okay you’ve got the ick, I’m not waiting around to see if the ick disappears. Cya mate, go have the ick somewhere else

This makes me so angry 😠. The way they are so cruel when it's all them . There's nothing wrong with you it's them. Nasty arse holes.

Please OP take this advice.

Every time he does it:

Look him in the eye and hold it, stay firm. Say “this isn’t about me and you know it. You’re creating a narrative to make yourself feel better about whatever it is you’re doing. I am perfectly fine thanks. You are free to leave if you are unhappy”

There’s usually no coming back from the ick.

and I couldn’t stay with someone who was so turned off by me.

time to end things @GotTheIckWithMe

I didn't know people said 'the ick' in real life. I've only heard of it on here?

He sounds appalling. Definitely see a solicitor.

If he's literally said he has the ick, he is a dick.

The word is used incorrectly all the time. It's not about what someone does after years and years of being together, or says or anything.

What it really is is when you meet someone new and they do something like wear green socks, smack their lips, say mmmm pizza when eating said pizza, use baby talk. It's when they do something that means you just can't shag them. He's being disingenuous.

So he doesn't even know what it is and is using it as an excuse to be horrible to give himself an excuse to cheat. Look what she made me do!

Grey rock OP. I'd smile and wouldn't let on I suspect anything and quietly get my ducks in a row in the background. Get financials together and speak to a solicitor. Don't make a move on confronting him until you're ready to drop the bombshell that you want out. He has a head start on you and this is his way of ending the relationship, you need to work on the assumption that he is cheating and getting his ducks in a row. You need to do the same.

As satisfying as it might be to call him out or throw him out or hire a hot gardener I think you should play your cards closer to your chest at least until you get proper legal advice.

He's a massive cunt, good luck OP. Xx

Anyone who uses the phrase "the ick" should be dumped.

Great advice 👌🏻💪🏻

@Whatwerewetalkingabout I agree, don’t confront him or chuck him out just yet, especially if he is controlling or abusive, quietly get financials together, snoop a bit, and get legal advice then blindside him (though barring concerns about it risking escalating abuse I would argue there is nothing to stop you hiring a hot gardener while you do this 😂 I can almost guarantee it would really stick in his craw on a number of counts!)

People who put their hands over their mouths when eating do look weird though, and I've only ever seen women do this so I'd try and stop that habit anyway, although given that he then complained about seeing your teeth when you are drinking I wonder if his previous comments are a reason you developed a weird eating habit. Does the women he is currently fussing over drink through a straw like a toddler?

Ugh. He's disgusting.

He met someone at his new work.

This.

MN ducks in a row.

He is going into verbally abusive territory and bringing the DC into it is especially awful.

To reference 'the ick' is to minimise his behaviour.

There is no coming back from this, so make plans accordingly to get yourself and DC in the best position financially and otherwise.