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Are these comments about his stepdaughter and young women red flags?

119 replies

NanaNanu · 18/06/2026 01:43

Been with him for 8 months now. It's such early days I know, we haven't slept together yet although that's not for want of me trying. He seems very shy somehow in that department, even though we are both middle aged. He's been married before and has children, now divorced of course. I initially thought he was being very respectful and taking it slow, but now I'm not so sure.

He talks about his children a lot, they are all in their twenties and for the most part, they have all done well for themselves and he is very proud of them. I have met them all and get on with them, they all seem very well rounded, happy people with good jobs and lives. On quite a few occasions, he has mentioned his stepdaughter, how stunning she was before she got married and had a family, how she was so curvy etc. etc. I thought it a bit over the top but let it go. Then a few days ago we had a few drinks together and we were discussing careers and the struggle young people have nowadays getting on the property ladder etc. He said: "Stepdaughter is so sexy..... oops I can't get the words right... I mean stepdaughter is so SUCCESSFUL". Having had a bit to drink I laughed it off, but the next day thought it was really out of order. Like in vino veritas?

I had a horse when I was a teenager through to my twenties and we walked past the local riding stables. Another odd comment: "Ah imagine that's where all the lovely long-haired..... oops I mean all the young girls that love horses just like you did go".

Red flags or not? There are other odd things that he's said. But I think those two are bad enough...?

OP posts:
Duvetdayneeded · 19/06/2026 12:54

Yes, definitely walk away!!!

NanaNanu · 19/06/2026 13:38

oliviaAustin · 19/06/2026 10:02

No sex in 8 months? I’d say you’re just a companion to him not a sexual being. Talking about his step daughters curves is incredibly weird. I’d say he’s not attracted to women his own age.

Yes, I think you're right, he keeps saying we're such good friends, great mates, we can help each other and support each other so much, we're really good for each other, sometimes it feels as if he's trying to brainwash me into accepting that we are ONLY that, but I don't want a "friend" who has a secret perverted life. To me, that's a fake person.

The zero sex is no doubt due to him only liking much younger women... girls.... blerghhhh I now have the serious ick.
I know pretty much all men ... and women for that matter... fantasise... but this is something else. Why on earth would you be scrolling through photos of your stepdaughter in tight dresses on a regular basis? He even commented on one photo about how revealing her outfit was! Just NO!!!!!

OP posts:
Besidemyselfwithworry · 19/06/2026 13:41

NanaNanu · 19/06/2026 13:38

Yes, I think you're right, he keeps saying we're such good friends, great mates, we can help each other and support each other so much, we're really good for each other, sometimes it feels as if he's trying to brainwash me into accepting that we are ONLY that, but I don't want a "friend" who has a secret perverted life. To me, that's a fake person.

The zero sex is no doubt due to him only liking much younger women... girls.... blerghhhh I now have the serious ick.
I know pretty much all men ... and women for that matter... fantasise... but this is something else. Why on earth would you be scrolling through photos of your stepdaughter in tight dresses on a regular basis? He even commented on one photo about how revealing her outfit was! Just NO!!!!!

It’s a huge red flag
Claire’s law request????
either way get rid

NanaNanu · 19/06/2026 13:43

Besidemyselfwithworry · 19/06/2026 13:41

It’s a huge red flag
Claire’s law request????
either way get rid

I actually did a Claire's Law on him when I first started dating him as a friend thought she knew him and that he had abused his wife. Turns out my friend had confused him with someone else altogether who works in the same place..... he has no poiice record whatsoever.

OP posts:
Besidemyselfwithworry · 19/06/2026 13:44

NanaNanu · 19/06/2026 13:43

I actually did a Claire's Law on him when I first started dating him as a friend thought she knew him and that he had abused his wife. Turns out my friend had confused him with someone else altogether who works in the same place..... he has no poiice record whatsoever.

Edited

Ah ok but he still sounds like a perve!
his poor stepdaughter - can you make her mum aware of this? Or speak to the stepdaughter
that poor poor girl

NanaNanu · 19/06/2026 13:48

Besidemyselfwithworry · 19/06/2026 13:44

Ah ok but he still sounds like a perve!
his poor stepdaughter - can you make her mum aware of this? Or speak to the stepdaughter
that poor poor girl

I don't really know them well enough. I wouldn't even know how to approach it.

Think of the problems I could cause by doing it. He takes care of his grandchildren regularly, ferries them about, helps with a lot of jobs around the house. To be frank, on a practical level, she would be lost without his help and at one point, her children almost ended up in care because the father has nothing to do with them and she was struggling hugely. I think the mother knows. She was with him for almost 20 years. She has a new partner now. I would find it hard to believe that she doesn't know about it all.

OP posts:
Besidemyselfwithworry · 19/06/2026 13:50

NanaNanu · 19/06/2026 13:48

I don't really know them well enough. I wouldn't even know how to approach it.

Think of the problems I could cause by doing it. He takes care of his grandchildren regularly, ferries them about, helps with a lot of jobs around the house. To be frank, on a practical level, she would be lost without his help and at one point, her children almost ended up in care because the father has nothing to do with them and she was struggling hugely. I think the mother knows. She was with him for almost 20 years. She has a new partner now. I would find it hard to believe that she doesn't know about it all.

This all sounds a nightmare @NanaNanu it must be so difficult but I think you just need to get rid of him and be honest as to why.

Missj25 · 19/06/2026 14:13

All men are attracted to & fantasize about women in their late 20s , you say you guys are mid 40s .
What makes him a creep is the step daughter thing ..
As for only into younger women, I’m sure he isn’t , I’m sure Ex partner is in around his own age ?
I’ve no doubt ED is a huge issue for him , hence no sex .

Skybluepinky · 19/06/2026 15:14

He likes young girls and you aren’t one, kick him to the kerb.

NanaNanu · 24/06/2026 13:24

Just updating. I haven't had the chance to end it as I've been so busy with work and then a sick family member. He's rang me at the weekend but I told him I was too busy with work and other family commitments.

Since the weekend, his communication has changed massively. He usually sends a text in the morning. Nothing at all today and I know he has a lot of time off the next couple of weeks. His messages the past couple of days have also seemed off and more disinterested in what I have had to say than usual! I was hoping it would just end itself and it actually looks as if it will. I turned down his invitation to go to his stepdaughter's house on Sunday...... just arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

The more I think about the whole "relationship", the ickier I feel and wonder what on earth I was doing. It feels like someone has flicked a light on and illuminated who he really is. He shows a different face to the world but in private is far from the type of person that I want to be associated with.

I need to work on my boundaries and on trusting myself much more the first time I either feel something, notice something is off about someone, something they say or do. People show us who they are through what are often very small "tells", I kind of brushed them under the carpet as I wanted it to work so badly. Now I have no idea why I wanted it.

OP posts:
NanaNanu · 24/06/2026 13:26

Oh... and despite knowing a family member may have needed a 111... in the end they thankfully didn't need a trip to hospital, he expressed no concern on the Saturday evening, didn't offer to run us through to an out of hours appointment... which he has done on other occasions. He left us to it. I'm happy about that of course, it's more confirmation that deep down, he has no shits to give about me.

OP posts:
Missj25 · 24/06/2026 17:02

NanaNanu · 24/06/2026 13:24

Just updating. I haven't had the chance to end it as I've been so busy with work and then a sick family member. He's rang me at the weekend but I told him I was too busy with work and other family commitments.

Since the weekend, his communication has changed massively. He usually sends a text in the morning. Nothing at all today and I know he has a lot of time off the next couple of weeks. His messages the past couple of days have also seemed off and more disinterested in what I have had to say than usual! I was hoping it would just end itself and it actually looks as if it will. I turned down his invitation to go to his stepdaughter's house on Sunday...... just arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

The more I think about the whole "relationship", the ickier I feel and wonder what on earth I was doing. It feels like someone has flicked a light on and illuminated who he really is. He shows a different face to the world but in private is far from the type of person that I want to be associated with.

I need to work on my boundaries and on trusting myself much more the first time I either feel something, notice something is off about someone, something they say or do. People show us who they are through what are often very small "tells", I kind of brushed them under the carpet as I wanted it to work so badly. Now I have no idea why I wanted it.

Edited

He’s just being like that cause you turned down his invite to go to his step daughter’s house , who he fancies !! 🤮 .
You’ve 💯 dodged a bullet OP !

Morepositivemum · 24/06/2026 17:05

Op I honestly believe if you worry something is a red flag you are done already. Imo though, yes, it sounds a bit creepy

bringbacksideburns · 24/06/2026 17:15

Just rip the band aid off tonight. Short and sweet.

I’ve enjoyed getting to know you but I think the relationship isn’t working for either of us and we should call it a day.

Have you left any belongings with him? Arrange to get them and say goodbye. If he asks why say you don’t think you are very suited and should just remain friends. Then bin the friendship. He sounds really odd.

NotSureNeedSomething · 24/06/2026 18:49

Yuck, red flags indeed. He’s giving pervert vibes and potentially even predatory / paedophile depending on what he means by ‘young girls’

NanaNanu · 24/06/2026 21:58

Missj25 · 19/06/2026 14:13

All men are attracted to & fantasize about women in their late 20s , you say you guys are mid 40s .
What makes him a creep is the step daughter thing ..
As for only into younger women, I’m sure he isn’t , I’m sure Ex partner is in around his own age ?
I’ve no doubt ED is a huge issue for him , hence no sex .

Whilst I think it's perfectly normal for men to fantasise, I find befriending teenagers on FB that he doesn't even know, is not OK or normal. And following really young girls on FB, one of whom looks to be around 14 if that and definitely nowhere near 20, is also not OK. That is abnormal. This isn't just about women in their late 20s, or just his stepdaughter, which of course is more than bad enough. He also trawls through images of his stepdaughter from when she was a teen, with various hairstyles and colours. And her friends from back then...

Ex partner is similar age but he did tell me they didn't have sex because of his ED for many years.

I think he is a pervert and managed to keep it sort of hidden for a while, but couldn't for much longer.

OP posts:
Missj25 · 24/06/2026 22:35

NanaNanu · 24/06/2026 21:58

Whilst I think it's perfectly normal for men to fantasise, I find befriending teenagers on FB that he doesn't even know, is not OK or normal. And following really young girls on FB, one of whom looks to be around 14 if that and definitely nowhere near 20, is also not OK. That is abnormal. This isn't just about women in their late 20s, or just his stepdaughter, which of course is more than bad enough. He also trawls through images of his stepdaughter from when she was a teen, with various hairstyles and colours. And her friends from back then...

Ex partner is similar age but he did tell me they didn't have sex because of his ED for many years.

I think he is a pervert and managed to keep it sort of hidden for a while, but couldn't for much longer.

Edited

What a creep , Teens .
Block the fucker !!!

CarbonArtist · 24/06/2026 23:54

He is a disgusting pervert.

Well done for spotting it, OP - you sound great.

Pinkdayss · 25/06/2026 04:11

He is a real creep.
" Women who love too much". By Robin Norwood is worth a read for improving boundaries.
Good luck.

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