I think I have to leave my husband

[PlaidJane]

I have had a nice little life the past few years with my DH, we get on well he’s a nice guy generally and we have an enjoyable time together. He’s quite insecure in his looks and not overly confident so I do feel I fall into the pattern of being a bit motherly, you know giving him reassurance. He says a lot of the time that I’m out of his league. This isn’t wildly attractive I’m sure some people would agree and I can find it annoying as I am not that shallow, I want someone who makes me feel loved and is nice that’s all.

I’d say the issue in our relationship up until now is that I feel like I am putting on a perfect persona all the time as he finds it hard to cope with me in any other raw format version. He gets defensive and upset if I have any Big Feelings - even if they aren’t related to him at all. Therefore I don’t share many big or small feelings with him. Hence the plodding along.

Over time I recognise I feel friendly affection for him with our lives tied together in a house and joint assets etc and I wasn’t going to disrupt anything.

I am a people pleaser and I find it so hard to let people down or put myself first.

I have been working on a short term project with another man for some months now which has ended. During this time we got along great, but I didn’t think anything much of it as I knew the project would end and mostly thought just this guy is a nice guy.

I don’t think we spoke emotionally or overshared our personal lives more than normal colleagues, we worked well as a team and had good fun in the process. As the project came to an end and we said goodbye, we both simultaneously appeared to realise we had formed some kind of feelings for each other.

I assume this is what happens to movie stars on film sets or strictly shows, when you spend a lot of time with someone in close proximity. So I’m not sure it’s real at all. I got worried I was in limerance so was working on detachment

We have had one honest in person conversation about this where we shared exactly identical experiences and thoughts about each other - it’s so weird and uncanny. I feel like we just wanted to check we were not going mad and deluded in our own minds? These moments in our minds were totally identical realisations or memories, matched each other in sync. This has never happened to me before. We both admitted we had grown attracted to each other physically but more than that, we liked each others personalities and couldn’t stop thinking about the other. It’s affecting both our sleep and appetites. We have agreed we need to detach because it’s very dangerous

Running off together is ridiculous, this isn’t some big romantic movie, also this is an awful thing to do to my husband. I’d rather be single right now and have none of this hassle I just want to run away from everything and everyone

I think I’m having a midlife crisis of some kind and I have to leave my DH but I don’t know where to even begin to detangle our complex finances. We don’t have any savings and a huge mortgage and the market is terrible right now for selling. I also feel sick at the thought of telling him I’m not romantically in love with him as it would break his heart.

I’ve stopped trying to explain things now, I was doing that. When I go grey rock he leaves. He gets in his car and drives off. He is gone for ages. I’m here alone. I settle down and get back my mental energy. I build myself up in courage. He returns, and another attempt resumes. I’ve told him I don’t want any physical contact and I’ve told him we are not working and our relationship is toxic and I don’t feel safe.

When I start to try to discuss leaving that is when I freeze up.

I don’t have any family to stay with and I don’t have friends with any room. I have very small savings. I’ve booked a solo hotel next weekend, my friend did invite me to stay as a gesture on the sofa but I think alone time sounds amazing. I’ve told him about the hotel. But not where it is or anything. I didn’t go this weekend and I regret that but I don’t get paid till next week and money is tight so I did a pay on the day hotel on booking.com

You need to get a phrase, repeat it, and stop these discussions. No more walks, no more endless speaking about it, just say 'I don't want to discuss this again' and move on with getting this sorted. Grey rock is a sensible move here. You need to take action, not words. Of course he's promising the world, he's now scared he won't have the choice over your life anymore. You do, though, not him.

Please consider putting your important documents or sentimental items somewhere safe whilst you are away. Maybe your friend could hold onto them? Kids passports etc…

It’s not unknown for men like him to “punish“ you for “rebelling”. Or other deviances.

And heads up,
if your bank account is joint, make sure to get your own account asap and put your share of the money in it. Make sure any wages etc go to that account from now on.

Because when his lot think you are thinking of leaving, they often drain joint accounts.

I think you need to just be blunt and come out with it. These long walks and building up to the conversation is only keeping you in this mess.

Find a moment where he's approachable and tell him the truth - I don't have romantic feelings for you anymore and the time for hail mary promises to 'fix' yourself has come and gone. You treat me appallingly and I don't want to be with you anymore. How shall we sort the living arrangements?

Until you put it out there in black and white he's going to think there is a chance he can talk his way out of this and fall back into his husband facade. You're the one with the power, not him. Once you've made the first step you'll feel relieved to free yourself of these circular conversations and focus on yourself and what you want instead of him.

Yes to this good advice about finances. If you have a joint account take half and put it in your own account. Stop automatic deductions where possible. Look hard at joint finances and make sure obligations are met (such as mortgage ir utilities) but that extras are shut down. If you are in one of those relationships where you pay for his treats then stop.

Recognize that his pattern of sulking /withdrawal and then reengagement is literally a brainwashing and abuse technique. It is a technique of coercive control. He doesn’t have to “know” that or “intend” that for it to be abusive and very dangerous. Don’t let him corner you or interrupt your sleep or otherwise distract you from meeting your need for privacy and safety. He will do it to keep you off alan e. Avoid Avoid Avoid.

And maybe turn your phone off whilst you are away as sure as fate he won’t like that your mind is not on him whilst you’re on your break so he’ll start constantly texting trying to monopolise your mind space.

Maybe some message about needing to access your house and having lost the key or something. Something stress causing anyway.

He’s done so much work to frazzle your head. He doesn’t want you undoing that with time away to think.

It escalated quite a lot. I have left I am in a hotel. I packed a bag slowly when he wasn’t looking and said I was going out for petrol then went to the car with the bag when he was in the loo and booked a cheap room a few miles away. I’ve told him I’m in a hotel but not where. I don’t have much stuff with me

The escalation was when he was coming in and out of the house and the last time he came back, he was absolutely hysterically crying and it scared me, I was just watching TV, he was saying leave me alone, I don’t want to be near you, I said it was scaring me, I gave him the space but he kept coming back in the room where I was. It was so disorientating and he was saying scary things about hurting himself and feeling lonely

it felt like emotional manipulation like look how bad I feel

Well done for getting away. All your senses must have been on high alert as he baited you and tried to escalate things with his drama. Enjoy the peace, and I hope you can use it to regain some balance. His entire modus operandi is to destabilise you with this sort of behaviour.

Focus on safely escaping more permanently in whatever way you can. You don't owe him any explanations or apologies. Even if you found the perfect words to put your case, he won't get it. He's not actually interested in your feelings at all.

Be safe.

@PlaidJane where are your dc? Are they somewhere safe?

its actually very common manipulation in relationship with coercive control. If you are worried you can call 111 and tell them that you are worried for his mental health and that he may hurt himself. Sounds like he is spiraling, they may decide to sanction him for his own good. Either way you are not responsible for his mental health and you cant stay against your will just so he doesn't feel suicidal. This is extremely abusive. I am glad you found a way to book a hotel and leave. It may be worth speaking to domestic abuse charity and see if they can provide some support whatever advice or even temporary accommodation etc. He cant keep you there like a prisoner with his emotional outbursts.

OP when you return and he kicks off like that again call 999 tell police you are scared of him. They will help you . I think you said your children are adults hopefully they are not living with you both. Take care

Another textbook move from the abuser. Normally it’s once you leave them but considering he has already recognised you are pulling away it looks like he’s started early.

As pp said the best thing to do is usually to not reply and arrange a welfare check. But that’s when you are separated. As is, I think I would leave it be as any reaction now will show that he has gotten to you and you are worried for him.

often they will threaten suicide but in that case you leave and you call the 111 people and let them know the score and they can decide what to do.

it seems you don’t have kids? That makes things easier. I would be inclined to speak with women’s aid asap. I don’t think you should go back there with him there. Maybe even speak to the police tbh. Even if it’s just to get them aware of the situation incase they need to come out fast. Cause if he will threaten himself, he will threaten you.

if you do not feel safe there - you are not safe there.

we have instincts for a reason.

I don’t think he needs a welfare check I got a notification he had spent money in Lidl from the joint account

One DC is out at their dads and the other is also out but I have said can come stay here if they want to, but they said they are fine will go home. He won’t do anything. He is emotionally manipulating me no one else

I'm glad you can recognise this for what it is, manipulation

The point of the welfare check is usually just to say “I’m not going to respond, but I will call your bluff via ambulance, have fun bullshitting them”.

But is more for if they try to use suicide or self harm as a manipulation after you’ve left them. They don’t appreciate having to fake their mental health issue with professionals when they only intended to manipulate you xD

That's good the kids can stay with their dad at least.

Unfortunate that they have to witness this man treating you this way though. Hopefully you can get away from him soon.

I would get yourself and your children away from him.

@PlaidJane how are things after the weekend?

I wasn’t sure what updates to put.
He has had me in what feels like manipulation push and pull all weekend. I stayed out all weekend

he’s so reasonable and caring by text and understanding and this lulled me into a false sense of security that he was being reasonable again. I suggested we speak this evening. I set boundaries or my needs and said no shouting or demanding things

I had to come back today because I need to go to work and my things are here. I knew he was working today but he was here when I got back. He asked to talk to me in our bedroom, it was very serious he had been sitting on the sofa waiting so I felt this pit of dread. He was angry I didn’t come back earlier as I had opened one of his texts early that morning so he knew I was awake.

He demanded I answer if I love him. He had been awake all night (as have I on high alert). I hesitated as I was on the spot and this hesitation just descended into another meltdown straight away as I panicked and froze

He did leave immediately which I think he thinks is some kind of self control but it’s like detonating a bomb then running away

He can see my needs and recognises them but his needs and feelings are constantly taking control and priority. He can’t even compromise

I set boundaries or my needs and said no shouting or demanding things

It's very important that you adjust your thinking on boundaries. While, of course, stating a boundary will hopefully ensure that the other person will respect that, you cannot control that. A boundary is not a rule for the other person to follow. A boudnary is a clear understanding in your own mind of what you will and will not accept, which you may well communicate to other parties, and what you will do should that boundary be breached.

In this case, the boundary is that he cannot shout at you or demand you do things. Which means not that you can expect him not to shout or be demanding, but that you are 100% cllear in your mind that the moment he does either of these things, you will stand up, say something like, "I told you I will not accept being shouted at or being told what to do" and walk out of the door.

Basically, you can't police his behaviour. Only your own.

He can't expect or demand that you love him, either. Why should you?

The only feelings of yours that he's interested in are the ones that prop up his fragile ego.

Please be very careful about entering his lair.

@Iwanttobeafraser yes sorry it was that if he shouts I will leave. As in there is a consequence for his choice to do it

I don’t know why he thinks this is fair either.
when this rage takes over him it’s like I’m invisible

As pp said, boundaries are for YOU.
You set boundaries for the behaviour you won’t tolerate.

And in this case the boundary you should be setting is to have no more conversations with him and to focus on getting away and staying away from him. ASAP.

You do know you are in danger right? He is showing you he will hurt you. Your gut is screaming it at you when he is angry. You freeze about telling him it’s over because your body gets that if you do, more harm will come. Perhaps even physical harm.

Him leaving to “control himself” is actually not that. It’s him telling you you are in danger. That hurting you IS a possibility. His rages are designed to make you feel unsafe. And to shut you up.

He is not losing control. He is angry TO control you.

Get yourself and your kid out of there whatever it takes and stay out. Can you speak to your work? Is there anything they can do? Didn’t you say you had a friend that asked if you wanted to stay for a bit? (Apologies if that wasn’t you).

This is very important.

You are learning with each interaction. Don’t go into an enclosed space alone with him. Don’t see him again alone. He could get very dangerous. I agree with the others that all his vaunted self control is just an indirect threat. Please contact women’s aid snd discuss the situation.